OH NOES!!! Teh horror! (1244 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.97 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <letthesonshinein2000.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-11-15 04:09:56 EST
So, you think you've had a bad day? Well...not as bad as my friend's. Please feel free to laugh at his misfortune, I certainly did.
I recently found out that my ex-girlfriend just got a job as a stripper. This is the same girl that I was planing to propose to only four months ago. Since that day she ripped my heart out, I've had a great time simply screwing with her head. I'll call her one day and pretend that I miss her and love her with all my heart, and will simply do anything to have her back. When I talk to her three hours later, I call her a whore and tell her to go fuck herself. The next day, I call, apologize, and begin the cycle all over again.
Apparently I'm not the only which this works for. http://www.ubersite.com/m/95735#2224275
But I digress. As I was saying, she recently got a job as a stripper. (I can't wait till the Army finds out about that. I'm sure that they have some sort of rule against it.) While I have nothing against strippers in general, I have a very big problem with some one that would have been my wife rubbing against a pole, topless, to the latest hip-hop techno shit that they pump in those clubs. I'm not sure if that's a jealousy issue, or if most guys would have a problem with it. I suspect most guys would have a problem, since the 10-15 guys I've asked have all expressed disgust at the idea. (Of course, that could just be disgust at the thought of my ex naked.)
To make a boring story more entertaining, I want to relate to you how I found this information out.
Last Thursday, my friend, Jake, and a few other friends decided to go to a local strip club for fun(I had to work...fuck the restaurant business in its cellulite-wasted ass). They like to go there and drink, and make fun of the strippers as they "perform." I personally find a good suicide more entertaining, but hey! They are big boys and they can do what they want.
When the guys got there, they got a seat by the stage. This ensured the proper position for maximum taunting/flirting. As the song ended, the MC announced the next stripper:
"Everyone welcome our newest girl, Jasmine!!!" Jasmine is not her name. I guess they change that shit. I don't know why, the girls sell their bodies, after all. What guy cares what your name is when you're taking your top off?
As the people in the club cheered, my friend's jaws dropped as they realized who the new girl was. Of course, they decided that the best thing to do was to call me and let me know the good news.
12:30 A.M., I'm working my ass off, and my asshole friends call to tell me that the girl who broke my heart is now, and I quote those assholes, "dropping it like it's hot." My friends aren't the smartest guys. One of the guys was quite smitten, however, and after the show, he took her home and had his way with her.
I wouldn't have found this out, but the guy called me up today to tell me some very important news...he has herpes. Since the only girl he's slept in the past six months is my ex, and he's been tested since then, that means...she has herpes.
I get the last laugh, after all.
Important UPDATE! Hardee's now has their chili cheese fries back! I was going to post a picture, but have this instead. Just imagine, this can be yours for only $299!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-16 19:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:18:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have found this out, but the guy called me up today to tell me some very important news...he has herpes. Since the only girl he's slept in the past six months is my ex, and he's been tested since then, that means...she has herpes.
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also, how would that mean you get the last laugh? that means you probably have herpes. dude, cut your dick off now, you won't be using it ever again.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-16 06:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mikey, is this you?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-16 06:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Let me get this straight, you work in the 'restaurant business', and work late nights. You're a fucking waiter, a chef at best. Your ex goes from being a virginal sweetheart to a stripper? She probably did that because of you, and your lack of fucking her.
You fucking suck, either way.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-16 05:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I left some things out...
Shitty job? No. Late nights just happen to go along with it.
Bad friends? Obviously.
No girlfriend? Where in the fuck did I say that???
Herp? again, no.
oh, and inion, I'm glad you're moving. It raises the country's IQ just a smidge.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy hell i didn't realize that this was THIS bad of a post.
Okay, yes, I did, but who the fuck cares.
To answer...
1. No, we never had sex. Some people don't have sex before they are married. I believe you call those people losers.
2. Therefore, no, I don't have herpes.
3. Suicide? Well, maybe...
4. No, no suicide. I'm not a fucking emo.
5. Never end a list on four.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-16 00:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I personally find a good suicide more entertaining..."
_______
Indulge us.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 10:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'M SORRY PHUZZY I DON'T READ ALL THE REVIEWS!!!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-15 10:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:06:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
you're one of the reasons i'm eventually leaving america.
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take me with you
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-15 10:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stop blogging. I don't give a shit.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:18:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have found this out, but the guy called me up today to tell me some very important news...he has herpes. Since the only girl he's slept in the past six months is my ex, and he's been tested since then, that means...she has herpes.
-------
also, how would that mean you get the last laugh? that means you probably have herpes. dude, cut your dick off now, you won't be using it ever again.
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Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-15 06:27:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bud, if you pomped her in the last 6 months, I doubt the last 'laugh' is what you'll be getting...
NOBODY LISTENS TO ME :(
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have found this out, but the guy called me up today to tell me some very important news...he has herpes. Since the only girl he's slept in the past six months is my ex, and he's been tested since then, that means...she has herpes.
-------
also, how would that mean you get the last laugh? that means you probably have herpes. dude, cut your dick off now, you won't be using it ever again.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:49:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
My consolation after reading this tripe is that you have the herp, no girlfriend, a shitty job, and even worse friends.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you're one of the reasons i'm eventually leaving america.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-15 08:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing worse than going into a tit bar and knowing 3 of the 5 dancers working.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
My consolation after reading this tripe is that you have the herp, no girlfriend, a shitty job, and even worse friends.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
So wait... You got Herpes?
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Let's do the math:
You were gonna propose 4 months ago, so it can be assumed you 2 were together.
+
Your buddy hasn't slep with anyone in the last 6 months besides your ex and he now has herpes
=
You need to get tested because you probably have herpes and don't even know it.
P.S. Please don't spread your crotch rot. That is one lovely parting gift that no one would be happy to get. It's like getting the dining room setting and carpet instead of the vacation and car in the showcase showdown on the Price is Right.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One of the guys was quite smitten, however, and after the show, he took her home and had his way with her.
=================
That guy sounds like a total cunt. He probably deserves herpes, as do you.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This really was a pile of bullshit.
Your friends sound like idiots (only retards say "dropping it like it's hot")
Your ex sounds like she's actually taken a step in the right direction since dumping you
It doesn't sound like she would have been your wife, unless you forced her, which seems to be your only option
And, to be honest, I'd rather have herpes than have you (as a friend, lover, colleague, pet, enemy, stranger or monopoly opponent)
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What gives you the right to assume I've had a bad day?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-15 07:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Fuck me where to start??
You come across as nothing more than a bitter little shit-bag.
Yeah, that'll do for now.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-15 06:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bud, if you pomped her in the last 6 months, I doubt the last 'laugh' is what you'll be getting...