Odd Males Who Have Attempted to Penetrate My Drawers: Episode II - "Do You Ever Get Sexually Frustrated?" (2331 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.62 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lisa (View user info) at 2006-11-16 02:23:18 EST
"Do you like dancing?"
"Yeah, I like dancing."
"I'm taking this swing dancing class on Saturdays, do you want to come and be my partner?"
Tiny Tim stood about 5'4"; his short stature and soft facial features made him look like he'd just graduated junior high. But he'd mastered the challenge of "interesting small talk" during those fifteen minutes in the animation lab, and I thought I should give him a chance.
"Great! There aren't a lot of girls in the animation department, especially cute ones. Do you want to do something before Saturday? You wanna grab some pizza after this? You like pizza, right?"
Let's be honest: I'm not the warmest, most approachable person. Being called a "cute girl" makes me feel like a second grader, and moreover, I don't really like being asked out by people I've just met. They can't possibly know what I'm like yet, which means they must be interested in me solely based on the way that I look, which in turn leads me to believe that they're either shallow or desperate. So, in my mind, asking for two dates at once was overkill. Then again, I wouldn't want a total stranger sliding under my legs while I was sober, so I agreed to dinner.
We split a shrimp pizza (his idea) at a pub in the South Loop. He showed me his sketches, which were really gorgeous. I was surprised at how well we were getting along. Then I made the mistake of asking Tiny Tim his age, how silly of me.
"I don't tell anyone my age!"
"What?"
"No, I'm not going to tell you."
"Okay...why?"
"I don't tell anyone my age."
"Well, I know you're old enough to order alcohol, unless you have a fake I.D."
"See, most people think I'm younger than I am. This is why I don't tell anyone my age."
"Honestly, I don't really care how old you are—"
"I'm 23."
Practical Lisa silently pointed out that Tiny Tim had overt security issues, flew off the handle unexpectedly, and cared about things that don't matter. Affectional Lisa argued that everyone has weaknesses and, so far, Tim seemed like a decent guy. Practical Lisa insisted that women who trust their affectional side stay with boyfriends named Jeb who have mullets, don't change their underwear, drink beer for breakfast and punch holes in walls.
One of me is always right.
Tiny Tim had only made it halfway through his beer before he started telling grandiose stories that became increasingly sexual in nature. First, he told me about a high-stakes bet...that he made with his grandmother...over the loss of his virginity. Don't ask, I have repressed the details.
"I have another story for you. Me and my buddy were visiting family in China. We'd been to a few bars and got a taxi back to our hotel. On the way, we saw this amazingly beautiful girl, picked her up, and she invited me back to her place. She said that she was a prostitute, but I told her I didn't want to have sex with her. I said I just wanted to talk. So we talked for hours on her bed about everything imagineable...it was really nice and romantic."
"So you went home with a beautiful Chinese prostitute and spent the night on her bed 'just talking'?"
"Well, okay, I lost my virginity to her. I didn't want you to think poorly of me."
I don't know what's worse, that this guy tried to turn some pathetic story about losing his virginity to a prostitute into a heroic fable exemplifying his chivalry, or that he thought I was gullible enough to buy it. Or simply that he couldn't stop gushing about his virginity, which, by the way, he lost.
Tim's own stories appeared to be making him flush, and the stench of sweaty desperation wafted this-a-way. He spoke with the unrestrained excitement of an ADHD kid with blue balls.
"Do you ever get sexually frustrated?"
...
I wished that life had a remote control, so I could rewind and record over the least cool thing that anyone has ever said to me in the history of my life. I was painfully embarrassed, not for me, but for Tiny Tim and his lilliputian erection.
"Doesn't everyone get sexually frustrated?"
"So I can assume that you masturbate?"
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm usually quite comfortable talking about sex, but it's a different story when I'm talking to a cartoon-drawing spaz about to bust a nut under the table.
"Everybody masturbates, it's not really an exciting or extraordinary thing."
"But some girls say they don't—"
"Yeah, I don't know, Tim, maybe they're lying. Anyway, are you ready to go?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be having dinner at home. My mom's going to be upset."
Tim walked me to my apartment and presented the inevitable question, "Can I come up and see your place?"
"I don't think so, Tim."
He left me a voice mail two days later, asking once more if I wanted to "do something before Saturday." Needless to say, I didn't want to "do something" with Tiny Tim before Saturday, on Saturday, or anytime after Saturday, ever. I spent Saturday imagining a horny Chinese kid peeking up the twirling skirts of middle-aged women while he does a Cleveland Box that was, thankfully, not mine.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It sounds like this dream I tried to have about a year ago.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-19 16:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-11-19 10:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, what I would give to let you ruin my life.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-18 20:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-18 12:37:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I read the title as "old" instead of "odd" kept expecting it to pop out that he was 50.
______________
50 is still a young punk....
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-18 12:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I read the title as "old" instead of "odd" kept expecting it to pop out that he was 50.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-17 22:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GREEEN (user info) at 2006-11-17 20:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't masturbate...
more than once per day...
very often.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ideally I'll end up with a guy who is smarter and in every way better than me, but has low enough self-esteem to think I'm worth his time.
__________
Well then, you will die a lonely old woman. Take up smoking. It's your only option.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-17 10:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definately on par with Pentameter's series.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-11-16 21:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
he seems like a sweet kid. gotta give him credit for poneying up the sack to ask you out. most animation nerps wouldn't have the balls.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2006-11-16 21:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-16 15:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-16 15:18:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
It sounds like dialogue from a tv show about one of those overly neurotic nervous annoying characters that seem to permeate all nearly every shitty show on TV. Makes me think of Ally McBeal or something neaseating like that where half the show all you do is listen to some retarded character talking to themselve. Jeez.
--------------------------
Holy shit maybe ally McBeal was more realistic than I thought.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-16 15:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
My thoughts exactly... I already knew the astounding majority of women are emotional whackjobs but.... is it really this bad.
The fact that this guy turned out to be such a total loser probably only attests to the fact that the author has blown off all the quality guys for stupid reasons like
"Being called a "cute girl" makes me feel like a second grader, and moreover, I don't really like being asked out by people I've just met. They can't possibly know what I'm like yet, which means they must be interested in me solely based on the way that I look, which in turn leads me to believe that they're either shallow or desperate."
It sounds like dialogue from a tv show about one of those overly neurotic nervous annoying characters that seem to permeate all nearly every shitty show on TV. Makes me think of Ally McBeal or something neaseating like that where half the show all you do is listen to some retarded character talking to themselve. Jeez.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:38:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are all women this terrifyingly analytical when us men, having worked up the courage to ask one of you out, follow up with an incoherent cascade of semi-plausible, uninteresting and increasingly desperate stories over a mediocre but painfully expensive meal?
God help me.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-11-16 14:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-16 14:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ideally I'll end up with a guy who is smarter and in every way better than me, but has low enough self-esteem to think I'm worth his time.
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This actually works.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-16 14:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lisa, because I like you, I did not deliberately link to a picture of the retarded black guy in the superman outfit after that last comment. But it was very tempting.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ideally I'll end up with a guy who is smarter and in every way better than me, but has low enough self-esteem to think I'm worth his time.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that, by the way.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you are one of those people that won't fall for anyone that isn't smarter than you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:28:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:14:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have in my mind this TV show starring Lisa as a homicide detective. Her interrogation technique is to just sit in the room with the killer staring at them until they confess.
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FBI: Frigid Bitchy Interrogators
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lilliputian erection
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-16 13:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
punny ending
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I wish I had game like that!
I normally have to have a few beers in me before I can woo women with tales of me losing my virginity to a prostitute...
For some reason I read the title as "old" instead of "odd" kept expecting it to pop out that he was 50.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well told
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Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:53:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think every woman has stories likes these.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. I'm digging these stories.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-11-16 12:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:14:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have in my mind this TV show starring Lisa as a homicide detective. Her interrogation technique is to just sit in the room with the killer staring at them until they confess.
-----
FBI: Frigid Bitchy Interrogators
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have in my mind this TV show starring Lisa as a homicide detective. Her interrogation technique is to just sit in the room with the killer staring at them until they confess.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, the animation department brings in some real weirdos. No wonder so few girls choose that as a major. What is it with swing dancing and those guys too, they think that they're gonna woo us patrick swayze style???
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So...
you masturbate?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:21:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
After all that 'work" he put in, I can't believe that you AT LEAST didn't blow him.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok it's funny
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked with a guy who used to always talk about the love of his life, the girl he lost his virginity to. Came out she was a Portugese prostitute. His favorite story to tell was how she said he was the best she ever had, and with the biggest dick too!
Poor dumb bastard.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I attract the weirdest people, too...not the good kind of weird either.
I was in the metro the other day and some dude tapped me on the shoulder, so i turned around...he told me that he liked my pants and that i had good style.I said thank you politely and turned back around, praying to god that he wouldn't keep talking to me.
Then he decided to tell me about a book he was writing about the human mind...I sort of zoned out, but he was blabbing about cell division and Julius Caesar and fascism.
Actually, it was pretty amusing now that i think about it...whatever.
People are weird.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-16 10:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He spoke with the unrestrained excitement of an ADHD kid with blue balls"
This alone did it for me.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-16 09:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you couldn't at least jerk him off or something?
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-11-16 09:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you ever get sexually frustrated?
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-16 09:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
offended, short, sexually frustrated menz below.
hardy har har.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-16 09:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny funny stuff
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
INCONCEIVABLE
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After all that 'work" he put in, I can't believe that you AT LEAST didn't blow him.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-16 08:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-16 07:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bitch you said you'd call.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-16 06:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't masterbate. I swear.
Yeah maybe I smiled but unlike the general ubersite public I don't auto +2 every entry by a female that involves anything sexual.
--
You mean Lisa is really a woman? Auto +2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-11-16 05:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then again, I wouldn't want a total stranger sliding under my legs while I was sober, so I agreed to dinner.
I don't understand what this means
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-11-16 05:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you women are so smug with your empathy and high eqs etc. only reason you have that stuff is to stop you getting knocked up by the wrong geezer, and this clearly doesnt work. the guy that gets his knob wet with you isnt a better man, he's a better actor.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-16 05:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:06:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:25:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure what you mean by "intense," but I think the answer is yes, I am.
---
"mental"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't masterbate. I swear.
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didnt you say you were fat on the other post? can you reach all the way down there? you should try it out. it's a thrill.
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't masterbate. I swear.
Yeah maybe I smiled but unlike the general ubersite public I don't auto +2 every entry by a female that involves anything sexual.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:25:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure what you mean by "intense," but I think the answer is yes, I am.
---
"cranky"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well isn't that so cute!
I know you all want to know, so I'm going to tell you. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me about 17 different times, and half the times it was because I said I masturbate. She blamed the fact that she couldn't get me off when she gave me head on my always being spent from masturbation rather than the fact that she gave shitty head.
Story time is over. Good night.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-16 04:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:47:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
jeasus
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think every woman has stories likes these.
For that matter, guys have them too. Like the J-Date series.
Face it, people are nuts.
Lisa, write the sit-com! :)
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jeasus
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't a slight, I just get the feeling that you might tend to overthink situations sometimes.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure what you mean by "intense," but I think the answer is yes, I am.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you a particularly intense person in real life, or do you just meet some particularly strange people that bring that out in you?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Lord.
I've babbled on about some random crap while being nervous on a date, but holy hell...
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women should never trust short men Lisa, theres a reason why there short.
In this case it was because he had a teeeny weeny penis :)
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-16 03:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA as funny as it is I feel no sympathy for you giving chances to such a apparently creepy guy. It's you're own fault for being cute. Ha I love it all the same!
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:38:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are all women this terrifyingly analytical when us men, having worked up the courage to ask one of you out, follow up with an incoherent cascade of semi-plausible, uninteresting and increasingly desperate stories over a mediocre but painfully expensive meal?
God help me.
Haha, no, it's just me. This is why I'm single, my brain is like a Seinfeld episode. At least I pay for my own meals.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
on everyone of your posts you put sarcastic -2's to mock potential negative feedback.
i'm going to give you one just because :-D
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are all women this terrifyingly analytical when us men, having worked up the courage to ask one of you out, follow up with an incoherent cascade of semi-plausible, uninteresting and increasingly desperate stories over a mediocre but painfully expensive meal?
God help me.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:27:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
PENTAMETER WROTE A SERIES JUST LIKE THIS A LONGTIME AGO, CREDIT HER YOU THEIFING PLAJERIST
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lucky he didn't have a wank right there at the table.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU HAVE 2 SIDES, ARE YOU SKITSOPHRENIC/
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-16 02:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
PENTAMETER WROTE A SERIES JUST LIKE THIS A LONGTIME AGO, CREDIT HER YOU THEIFING PLAJERIST