You Don't Deserve a Penis and a Vagina (1605 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansRating: 1.92 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic Cymbals (View user info) at 2006-11-19 18:46:59 EST
Hermaphrodites are fucking scum. I'm done with them.
If anyone has any magical pills that will use their faggoty, half formed cocks into shotguns and their disgusting pseudo-pussies into bags of ammunition so they can shoot themselves in the head, please please drop me a line. Otherwise, I'm about to commit to a vow of celibacy.
Well, celibacy from other people. No way I'm giving up a ass-fisting before and after work. Escpecially now i can double fist. At least, i think i can double fist: Assholes.
In my latest misadventure, I funnelled a fifth of everclear and ended up in a restaurant with a hermo. For the purpose of protecting his/her non-existent dignity, I'll call him/her Will/Jessica here.
And there's another thing i hate about them, are they him or her? I bought a "His and hers" perfume bag for our two week anniversary and fucking Will/Jessica got BOTH of them, the faggot dyke.
Will/Jess, when I first caught glimpse of it at the restaurant, was everything you never get out of blind dates: 4'2", covered in short green hair and wield what looked like a +3 Mace of enlightenment. Being shallow, I approved very much of his long hair (in a neat little ponytail) and well-cut jeans.
For once, I didn't feel like a complete fucking tool for showing up in a dress and a pre-lubed string of "Alf" themed anal beads, because here was a man that owned a +3 mace of enlightenment.
For any other male, he was probably an Orc.
But I digress. We were seated in the middle of the floor, and then exchanged various bodily fluids, while waiting for our food. Inwardly, I was beating myself trying to come up with interesting and witty topics without coming off as a convicted sex offender (confession: I am). At certain intervals, he would laugh, flashing nice white teeth (got to like a man who knows how to floss), and actually have something to say about various topics in like, life and stuff without, you know, resorting to specious casuistry.
Finally, someone who spent more than two seconds selecting Maces, and could match my conversation. Life was fantastic.
As dinner arrived, he asked me if he could make a personal confession. Intrigued, (and ready to do anything he wanted me to) I told me to go ahead.
Laughing, Will/Jess confessed that he was skeptical of dating someone that was my type. Being an absolute idiot, I said, "what's the capital of Mexico City?"
He just kind of shrugged and replied, "uh no, like um... you know... i can put my penis in my own vagina. I'm not really sure where i need your mono-sexual genitalia".
When he said the dreaded nine-letter word, I was conveniently holding a water glass. Completely shocked, I drank it.
A little background here: all women are sensitive about the fact they only have one set of sexual organs. If you are unaware of this, you will never ever get any pussy, ever. I knew that I had less chance of growing a penis than a year ago. However, I won't call myself "mono-sexual by any stretch of the word. Mono-sexual should, at least, apply to people with a little doodle, or a silly horizontal vaginal and no boobs. I would call myself "out of shape" with one set of reasonable meatflaps. I certainly won't call myself ugly either, especially after spending all that time stretching out my asshole. That asshole was going down!
Back to the scene: all conversations came to a lull by the sound of breaking wind. Somehow pulled by an imaginary force, I rose out of my seat and towered (all five feet and three inches and 600lbs of me) over the table.
Opening and closing my mouth in sheer astonishment for about half a minute, I finally managed to place my lips over Will/Jess's swollen member and got him to reach simultaneous orgasm by stimulating his clit.
The best thing about the double orgasm was that everyone in the crowded restaurant heard every word, and witnessed the spectacle of him "throwing his Chicken Marsala" in my nicely groomed hair.
Looking back at the incident, I suppose what pissed me off the most was not the idiotic comment, but the fact that God only gave me one measly vagina when all i really wanted was the matching pair.
In conclusion: fuck dating. I'm going to stay home, bitch, and pluck a cat with tweezers
Hermaphrodites are retarded. The double-standard as to the concept of whether you can open a bottle with your pussy while fucking a tomcat never fails to piss me off. Sure, hermos can bend their cock around inside themselves then ride on carousels until they blow a huge wad up theirown pussies, but if a woman doesn't have buns and thighs of steel: she's a fat-ass.
A message to all you that perpetuate this double standard: fuck you. I hope your dick gets stuck in your pussy and you need the fire-brigade to help you and the fireman that has the job of "jaws of life"ing your cock out of your cunt is a black guy with body odour problems.
User Reviews
Submitted by JohnnyACDC (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-20 16:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-20 14:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-20 11:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-11-20 10:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PHREAK!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-11-20 08:53:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-20 05:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ten letter word, IMO
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-20 04:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was freakin hilarious.
Ace work.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-11-20 00:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful, beautiful satire
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-19 23:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha!
I feel your pain...
WHAT?!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-19 21:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-19 20:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-19 20:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-19 20:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha you crazy Libertarians.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh lord.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually hate all bandwagons but this was kind of humorous...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
on second thought...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know if someone has mentioned this but how do they pee?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:27:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck penises. Vaginas get what they want because they earned it.
___
Beautiful.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck penises. Vaginas get what they want because they earned it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah! bandwagon goodness.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have another.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-19 19:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
this +2 is for the first line. i didn't get past that because i was laughing too hard.
now to read the rest of it.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww yeah.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM LEAVING UBER BECAUSE OF PHALLIC CYMBALS
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hillarious.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well okay kind of.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen a girl in the nuddy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i only want a penis for a day though, not a lifetime. christ if had to have sweaty balls in the summer i'd castrate myself.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahhahaaahhahahhahha.
On a side note, I saw some feminist from Michigan speak a few days ago who thought that the world we be a better place if we were all hermaphrodites.
...
wtf?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
vast improvement.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best one.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to upstage me, jerk.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh - just beautiful
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
-- Homer Simpson
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am in tears
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehehehehehe
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-19 18:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! Now to read.