Victim of Progress (1025 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.4 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-21 09:30:47 EST
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
"We can't let them destroy it,"He said the words without turning his head. He didn't need to. He and hundreds of his comrades had been here for what seemed like forever, working, toiling, lifting heavy boulder after boulder. He'd been working alongside the same fellow since they'd begun. There had been little conversation, but there had been the mutual respect shared between fellow workers, especially when one lent a hand to the other to help lift a particularly heavy rock. He was somewhat smaller than those that labored around him.
"Don't trouble yourself about it. Enjoy this moment, the moment of our triumph," the larger worker said.
The two looked up at the soaring arches of stone that created the entryway to the great hall. The construction was truly flawless to his eyes. Each stone had been carefully fitted amongst the others, a single counterbalancing force among what was a mountain of rock. He felt himself swelling with pride.
"Look at it. Just look at it. It's.....it's just....."
"Amazing, I know," the larger worker said. "I have built structures like this before, but even I never get tired of seeing one brought to completion."
"Will...will she be pleased?" There was hope and a bit of anxiety in his question.
"She is always pleased by progress and hard work," the large one replied. "This is no different. Someone has already told her, no doubt. She is aware of our achievement."
They stood silently for some moments more, admiring the workmanship in silence.
"We can't let them destroy it," the smaller one said again.
"What them do you speak of?" the larger replied.
"The Blackening. We have to stop it."
"You have no idea what you're saying."
"Then tell me, my friend, what this terrible plague that crushes our homes, destroys our kin, threatens our monarch is?"
"What have you heard?"
"I have heard only whispers, whispers of the great darkness that comes and destroys what we build. No matter how strong or well-protected, I have heard that when the Blackening comes, nothing can stand before it."
"You have heard right, young one," the larger worker said. "It is true, that is the Blackening, the great darkness. I have survived two of them myself, as has our queen."
"You have? You must tell me, then, what it was like! Perhaps we can stop it." His small voice nearly squeaked in anxiety.
"If you were old enough to have lived through the Blackening, you would know young one that nothing can stop it. It is....." His voice trailed off, and his eyes drifted as memories came up from somewhere deep within the rearmost reaches of his mind, like water drawn from the bottom of a dark well.
"Yes?"
"It is death, death that comes on black wings. We have had invasions before, fighters, soldiers like ours. We fought them back, killed them, and they died. We could defend against them. There was no way to defend against this."
"Tell me, tell me then, what it was!" he urged. "Please!"
"It was bright out, very bright. The ground began to shake slightly, then more and more. Suddenly there was a crystalline fire, shot out of the sky like a horror. I saw others die that day. They burst into flames all around me. I was more afraid than I had ever been in that moment. Then the light above blotted out and the air around me seemed to close in. Everything we had built fell apart in an instant, crushing anyone in the way. Relatively few were lost. Most sought shelter and survived, but our work was destroyed. This time will be the same as the last. We will simply rebuild."
"But look at it!" He gestured grandly towards the newly finished construct. "Look what we've done! Rebuild? How can we allow it to be destroyed like this? We've done so much work!"
"You miss the point, young one. The point is that we rebuild. We rebuild, and we go on. The Blackening is frightful, yes. It destroys what we build, but it cannot destroy our work. It can kill some of us, but not all of us. We rebuild, and we go on. That is our way, that is our progress."
"No!" the smaller worker snapped. "No, it cannot be! We've labored so long! And the queen! What will she think when she finds that we gave up? She expects us to defend our work!"
"She will expect us to be here to rebuild. She will not expect us to sacrifice ourselves blindly and for no reason. I told you - the Blackening is the coming of death. To see it is to watch death coming for you."
"You survived!"
"Not by any conscious action. Whatever drives the Blackening is as merciless as it is unthinking. If it had decreed that I was to die, I would have died, and it would have proceeded regardless."
"If you won't help me, then I'll do it myself! There has to be someone with the courage to stand up and defend what we built."
The larger worker shrugged. "As you wish." He pointed to the sky overhead. "When the sun is overhead, the Blackening most likely will come. You have until then."
He ran to some of the other workers, begging and pleading with them to help, to stand with him when the Blackening came. Most laughed, others stuttered in fear and ran when they heard what it was they wanted him to do. None were willing to remain beside him if the Blackening came.
He ran to the barracks. The soldiers were huge and strong - surely they would stand with him in defense of what they had built. Instead, they simply shook their heads. One, older than the rest, came to the front of the others.
"The Blackening is not an evil thing, young one," he said quietly. "You can rebuild what is destroyed, better than before."
"Cowards! All of you!" he screamed in reply, rushing away in shame. As he raced back to the entry way, he looked up at the great hall above, reaching high above his head. They had built this, too, before the great entryway that had just been completed. Destroyed? All of it? By some nameless force that came and went as it pleased? Never, he told himself.
He emerged outside again into the light. It was quiet now. Only the silent echoes off of the stone around him and the light footfalls of the few remaining workers accompanied him. He looked up into the sky and saw the sun was nearly directly overhead.
"Perhaps, the Blackening will pass us by," he thought. "Perhaps today, it will forget, or spare us. Or perhaps we've finally built something that can stand against it." That thought comforted him the most. Progress, they'd called it, to rebuild, but why? The grand entry hall was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. It was perfect - flawless, in fact. Surely it could not fall to the Blackening - it was too strong!
While this last thought went through the worker's mind, the ground trembled.
He stood up to his full height, throwing out his arms in futility. The ground shook again, more this time, and suddenly he realized that the Blackening was not a THING, it was an IT, something so incredibly massive that it towered into the sky in perpetuity.
"YOU SHALL NOT!" he screamed, not knowing what else to say. Suddenly the fire lanced out of the sky, a spear of brightness that sent wisps of steam off the rocks near by. One of the other workers scrambling for cover crisped and turned black in an instant as the searing beam passed over him. "YOU SHALL NOT!" he screamed again. He held his arms out even wider, as though his frail body was adequate defense for the stone and rock. "YOU SHALL NOT! I DEFY YOU!"
The sky blotted out, turning black as pitch. In that moment, the worker remembered the words of his older compatriot: "It is death that comes on black wings," and indeed, it seemed that way. Then the ground around him seemed to explode, and the Blackening ensued.
----------------------------------
"Biiiiiiiiillllleeeeeeee!"
The boy looked up from his 'work' to his mother with an annoyed look.
"Whaaaaaaat?" he whined.
"It's lunch time. Come on in side, I made you a baloney sandwich."
"Awwww Mom, I hate baloney!"
"Billy, right now, this instant."
Whining to himself, the boy picked his foot up. Below him, the ants scurried about in a frenzy of activity, their nest broken open yet again. He sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. It had been fun the first few days, but now it had gotten boring. Tomorrow, he thought, he'd go back to building his soap box racer. Tucking his magnifying glass back in his pocket, he turned and walked stubbornly back to the house, grumbling about the contents of his sandwich.
In the yard, amongst the sand that looked for all the world like tiny boulders, progress began again.
- VS -
Entry 2
"...trav'ling at the speed of light, I wanna make a supersonic man of you! Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time..."The sudden drumming of water drowns out the radio, whipping across scraped skin. The hiss of the water mingles with her hiss of pain; blood and dirt running in filthy rivulets down her body, swirling round and round the plug hole.
Having a good time? Now there's a laugh! She gropes blindly for the switch, anything to silence the mockery. But even when the music goes, taunts still echo in her head.
The sponge is rough against too tender skin, as she tries to scrub away the blood; tries to scrub away the last hour. But she can't shift the feeling of taint, even when her skin is raw, shiny with its apparent cleanliness. She can still feel a grubby smear inside. She wishes she could stay here, safe, isolated...but she can't.
There's a tapping on the door, and she flinches.
"I'll be out in a minute!" Even to her own ears, her voice sounds... wrong.
"Kerry... Kerry, honey, what's the matter?"
"Nothing - I'm nearly done mum. And there's plenty of hot water left, don't worry."
"Kerry..." There's a sigh; for a second her mother, her pillar of strength, sounds so helpless. "...if there's anything wrong, if you needed something, anything at all, you know I'll help you fix it, right?"
Gods, she wishes she could believe that. She'd give anything to be young enough again to believe that her mother can solve all her problems.
"I'm fine mum. Really."
Another helpless sigh, and retreating footsteps. She almost gives in, calls out after her, confides in her. But she doesn't; she's a big girl now... has to take care of herself.
---
To see her in the street, you wouldn't notice anything different about her. Just another teenager, spiky short hair, baggy black hoodie and shapeless jeans. Perhaps, if you looked really closely, you'd spot the black eye blooming under the hastily applied foundation, or the lip that's not so much full as swollen. That's all though; you'd never even think that she's living the life of a victim of progress.
---
Running late... she's always running late.
Or maybe it's just the world, hurrying on without her. Not like she wants to make the effort to keep up; would be easier to stay at home, curl up in bed and let everything race off, leave her behind. She'd be happier that way. Safer too.
But the world keeps going; marching blindly on in the name of progress, dragging her along with it. And time; the seconds always slipping away. She has to run to keep up - it feels like her whole life is going on fast forward.
She's running again now; avoiding her mother this morning has made her late, and if she doesn't get the school bus she'll have another tardy on her record, and that will be enough to earn her a detention.
The bus is still there on the corner. A final desperate burst of speed and she makes it just before the doors start to close. For the briefest of seconds she almost believes the day could be going her way after all.
Silly really.
"Sorry love. No pass, no ride - you know the rules."
Yes, she does; the rules of the new system, put in place to make life "easier" for everyone, are clear cut and devastatingly simple in their rigidity.
But, search as she might, her pass that allows her to bypass the traffic of the city centre won't come to light.
He gives her an apologetic shrug as she gets off the bus.
"Chin up love. There's a local through in a couple of minutes."
She checks her watch; if the traffic is abnormally clear, and it only catches green lights, the local bus might get her there for the bell.
Five reds. Five red lights, and a snarl on the ring road that had the bus stationary for seven minutes. So now she has a meeting with her tutor, another "you must try harder" speech ringing in her ears, and another mark on her record.
Black marks - flags to tell the school when there's a problem. Hers all fall under attendance and punctuality, and scream to the administration that she's a low level nuisance that needs to be reprimanded to put her back on course. If they were all under attitude, she might get the help she needs. Like Robyn does.
Robyn has been a "special case" since she started the school. On her first day she broke Kerry's nose for getting to the last slice of chocolate cake before her. Since then, there's been a constant campaign of terror and abuse.
The school's "forward thinking" new policy has Robyn labelled as "misunderstood". They've got rid of the "medieval" attitude that would have her punished or, gods forbid, expelled for her actions. Now, she receives regular counselling, and time off whenever she feels like it.
They tell Kerry that she needs to appreciate the trouble Robyn is going through, and she needs to make more effort to get on with her.
Kerry appreciates the situation all too well; Robyn is a violent bitch, who takes great delight in making her life a misery, and is smart enough to save the physical torment for after the school day.
Like yesterday - she caught her outside the supermarket; nearly split her lip for being there at the "wrong time", bruised her ribs for having the wrong hairstyle, and used the pavement to scrape the skin off her arm because... well, just because she could, really.
Kerry also makes the effort - to avoid her at all costs. Never works though.
Complaining only gets her disapproving looks, and comments that she needs to stop being so negative, so set in her ways; she's had a little trouble with Robyn in the past, but that's no reason to discriminate against her now.
She's tried talking to her tutor, but that only leads to sit down meetings with Robyn to "discuss the accusations", and then to "private meetings" after school to "solve" the problems.
The cuts and bruises go unnoticed; she obviously just needs to move on - needs a fresh take on the world. Needs to stop causing trouble.
So she struggles to keep up.
Struggles to stay afloat as progress keeps pushing her down.
Struggles to find the will to keep going.
And just keeps going under.
Entry 1:
Axolotl
Bubba2341
darko
domenad
DonkeyOnTheEdge
Doodles
FunnyAsCancer
ghola
homer42
Jack_McCallum
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
kimmy02721
nrduncan
orph
redskieslookfake
Sacrilicious
Shaun_Rocks
sparkle_pink
The_taste_of_Monkeys
20 eligible votes (21 total) *
Entry 2:
BLITZKREIG_BOB
charminglybeef
coley
Confuzitron
Crystle
Davros
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
helbling
Hirilnara
hour_man
indoninja
JMG114
lolabelly
Magicaddict
Pentameter
rad1101
SPECIALk
Spooner
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
20 eligible votes (21 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i DQ'd early in this competition so my opinion has little or no value but i can and will say, at least for my own and Domenads benefit...this decision was BULLSHIT!!!
i feel beter now
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-25 07:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Domenad, it was great going up against you, and I was sure this was going to be my final round for a while back there.
Thank you for an awesome contest.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-25 05:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*weeps as formidable foe falls*
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-24 16:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate to lose, but I also know that my schedule right now is not going to permit me to write something good enough to take home the title. I'm glad someone could go on and maybe have a better chance against McCallum (come on, you know it's him).
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-24 15:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh you artsy-farty bastard.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-24 14:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK!
Both of these were good.
This is the closest I've come to a coin toss.
Story #1 was truer to the title than #2 but also safer.
1 was imaginitive and 2 was slightly better written.
Goddamn.
Both endings were gratifying.
I don't have any real criticism of faults to offer so I guess I'll focus more on which is the strongest of them.
These stories are completely different animals in terms of theme and style. The theme of #2 is not safe. It borders on giving an impression other than what I would guess the author meant but it is also the more powerful of the two. It is not safe but it is true to life.
#1 is good straight forward story telling. The fact that I could see the end coming is more a testament to the authors skill than a lack of it. It was a nice read but didn't really make me feel.
My vote goes with #2. It made me feel more.
Congrats Author 2.
Aaaaaand that vague judgement is absolutely the best I could do.
Well done to both of you and thank you!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-24 11:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Voted for the shorter entry.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-23 15:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-23 13:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-23 08:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 was fun, and had a good twist. However, I was a victim of bullying for thirteen years and this sounds precisely like what was going on, presented in a style that explains it unequivocally: There is no justice for bullying victims. Full fucking stop.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-23 07:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 gets my vote. The whole "We must understand and hug assholes" thing pisses me off. They should just be put down!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-11-22 17:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Number one got me, because I'm an idiot.
I didn't make it past the first line of number two because the Queen lyric made me want to watch Shawn of the Dead.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-11-22 15:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-22 10:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And going into the voting dry period, it's neck-and-neck.
Damn, that's gotta be driving these two guys nuts.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-22 03:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd break someone's nose for a piece of cake right now
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-22 03:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-22 02:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-22 00:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two was imaginative and well-detailed, but it didn't really go anywhere.
Entry one was predictable and way too long.
The end.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
disappointing
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Both of these were good.
I scrolled down before reading and I think that may have ruined any real sense of suspense for me in the first story.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not a fan of either. Have to go with number 1 over number 2 though.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Apologies Author one - I thought it was a really clever story, and I enjoyed the twist.
However, story two hits close to home with me.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, it's pretty obvious that #2 is Hirilnara - when it comes to quiet female English desperation, she's got that down.
The only problem is that's ALL she ever does, practically. You know I'm your number 1 fan, but I'd like to see you push it a bit more.
#1 was made obvious by the second sentence.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-21 14:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coin toss.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-21 14:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Solely because it seems like something Coley would write.
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were very good pieces of writing, but I can't see how #1 relates to the title, so #2 gets it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you want some seriously entertaining fiction about ants, give this a shot.
And it's written by a Frenchman! Wonders never dease...
http://www.amazon.com/Empire-Ants-Bernard-Werber/dp/0553096133
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow - another tough choice.
Both were good. Number 1 was heavily reminiscent of the movie "the ant bully"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 12:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-21 09:33:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck ants
--
I'm really starting to enjoy EB's UM reviews.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 12:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+1, no contest.
Author #1, I was gong to do something almost identical in a earlier round. It was a fun read.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 - I think that if you were able to kind of conceal the fact that you were talking about ants, it would have grabbed me more.
Author 2 - You almost lost me with the Queen opening, but your story was pretty creative and emotional without being ridiculous. You get my vote.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither of these were spectacular. Seemed like more effort was put into the 1st one. Although these two lines bothered me: "and suddenly he realized that the Blackening was not a THING, it was an IT" and "We fought them back, killed them, and they died."
2, it seemed like your character needed to be flushed out more. You hint at this new society where things are different but don't give any info about it.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lolabelly (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not really into either of these.
#1 had a nice twist.
#2 was well delivered but not the greatest story.
Coin toss.
-Dave
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shib-tastic.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How could I not vote for ants?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-21 09:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-21 09:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ants one was good, but quite...done before.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-21 09:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-21 09:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck ants