Twilight Lost (913 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.43 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-21 11:20:21 EST
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Entry 1
In a field near Sandusky, Ohio, a black ladybug landed on Veronica's exposed arm. It bore no traces of red, instead possessing the deep, dark color akin to Veronica's own hair.Joseph gasped. "Oh my God! A tick!"
Veronica glanced down at her arm. She watched the little creature climb up towards her shoulder, then gingerly placed her fingers in its path, allowing it passage to her slender hand.
"No," she said softly, "It's a ladybug."
"But it's black!"
Veronica, wearing her beatific smile, didn't take her eyes off of the ladybug. "It's weird. They must be really rare. No one I ask has ever seen them before, but they seem to come to me all the time."
Joseph paused before replying. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Veronica giggled, "It's like they see me and think that I'm their queen."
The ladybug spread its wings and flew off towards the tree line. Veronica put her hands to her head, extended her index fingers, and wiggled them. She said, "Either that or they're attracted to my antennae. Raagh!"
She jumped at Joseph who caught her in his arms. He held her tight with one hand around her waist and another reaching up to caress her face.
"I love you so much," he said.
She leaned in to him, whispering, "I love you, too."
They kissed. Then, Veronica pulled away slightly and took one of his hands in her own. She pressed the tip of his index finger to her own finger, and then, slowly, traced a diagonal line in the air followed by a horizontal line, like half of a triangle.
"What—?" Joseph began.
"Shh." Veronica closed her eyes, took her finger away, then hugged Joseph tightly. "Never go away. Don't leave me alone."
Joseph wrinkled his brow. "Well, you know I don't want to, but I have to go back to California. I have college, and—"
"That's not how I meant it. I wasn't talking physically."
"Oh," he said, wondering if she'd ever forgive him for ruining the moment. "I won't. Ever."
"Promise?"
*********************************
Joseph leaned forward in his plastic swivel chair and entered the code to his voicemail. The automated greeter said, "You have one new message. The following message has not been heard. Message number one of one new messages."
Joseph rolled his eyes, wondering how many times the system would let him know that he had an unheard message before telling him what the message was.
"Joe, it's Fiona. My office."
The message ended. Joseph sighed, reminded that in his three years of working at Internet search portal TrailCrawler, he was never able to tell whether Fiona liked him or merely tolerated him as an employee. She had hired him almost directly out of college, and he had increasingly wondered if it was simply because of the thrill of having a male subordinate in the small, predominately female office.
Joseph knocked on Fiona's door. She looked up from her Sodoku puzzle and motioned to the little chair in front of her desk.
"Come on in," she said, and just as Joseph stepped forward, she continued, "And you can close the door."
Joseph turned, shut the office door, and sat down in front of his boss. "What's up?" he asked.
When she spoke, Joseph was able to tell that she was using some effort to sound relaxed and understanding.
"Well, I got a call from the Web Doctor people." She paused, looking for a reaction. Seeing none, she continued, "They wanted to be taken off of our search engine results. They contacted you about that, didn't they?"
"Yes. Five weeks ago."
"Then why didn't you remove their information from our database? You know that we promise a one-week turnaround time to customer requests, don't you?"
"Fiona, they have the only site where people can do background checks on their doctors. Can't that information be really helpful to people who are serious about their health care?"
Fiona blinked. She said, "It doesn't matter if the site has the meaning of life on it. When a client asks us to remove a link from our search engine's results, we do it, and we do it quick. That's what separates us from other search companies."
Joseph shrugged. "What separates us shouldn't be something like restricting access to important information."
"Watch your tone—"
Joseph raised his voice slightly. "I mean, why make a site with this information and post it on the web if you don't want anyone finding it? It's ludicrous."
"Joe, Web Doctor's parent company gives us a lot of advertising revenue for their more public pages. I don't think that doing as they request qualifies as any sort of civil liberties case."
Joseph slumped back and sighed. Fiona curled her lower lip into her mouth. She asked, "What's wrong, Joe? Do you need some time off?"
Surprised by her seemingly genuine concern, Joseph replied, "No. I'll be fine. I'll strike Web Doctor from the database."
He stood to leave. Fiona asked, "Have you taken any vacation days this year?"
Joseph looked down at the plainly carpeted floor. "No. I don't really have anywhere to go on vacation."
"I want you to take some time off."
"With all due respect, I'd really rather not."
"It's not a request, Joe. You're exhausted, and I think that you're just way too distracted around here. Take two weeks. I'll give you some of my days, sound fair?"
Joseph returned to his desk. His face felt hot and clammy. He wondered if he was just fired. He wondered what he'd do with himself for two weeks. He wondered why a black ladybug suddenly landed on his desk, when the last time he saw one was three years prior.
*****************************
Veronica drew away from a particularly slow, soft, passionate kiss. She smiled and traced the shape of a half-triangle in the air once more with her finger.
Joseph shifted his legs onto the old, low, stone wall that surrounded the old graveyard in western Massachusetts. He shuddered pleasantly in the cool twilight air and watched as a small black ladybug scuttled close to Veronica's leg.
He asked, "What does that mean? When you do that thing with your finger?"
Veronica merely smiled in reply, the light of the full moon bathing her face as if wrought of delicate pearl. She curled her fingers around his hand and pulled him lightly.
"Come on," she said, "Let's make out by a mausoleum."
*****************************
Joseph sat on his bed, silently cursing at Fiona over and over. "What the fuck am I going to do for two weeks? Watch HBO and eat Cheetos?" He thought of his mother who lived across town. She was very likely watching HBO and eating Cheetos at that very moment.
He turned to his suitcase, which was open and empty. He had pulled it out of his closet to motivate himself to pack for a trip. He peered inside.
A black ladybug was crawling near one of the inside pockets.
"Ugh," Joseph said, motioning to squish it, but then, softening, allowed it to alight upon his hand. He carried it outside and blew it off of his palm.
When he returned to his bedroom, he found another black ladybug in the same place.
********************************
"I have a confession to make," Veronica said, idly twirling Joseph's chest hair around with her finger as she reclined aside him in bed.
"What's that?" Joseph asked, secretly hoping for something scandalous.
"That time in the graveyard? Remember by the Pape Mausoleum?"
Cool air on wet skin. A honeysuckle aroma. The greatest orgasm Joseph had ever felt.
"Yes. I remember."
"That—that was my first time."
Joseph turned to Veronica and sat up. "What? You're kidding me."
Veronica looked down and bit her lip. "I'm sorry," she said.
"Oh, honey . . ." Joseph curled his arms around her.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, and began sobbing.
Joseph held her close and ran his hand through her dark hair. "Sweetie, sweetie, why are you crying?"
"I don't know!" she blurted, and buried her face in his chest.
"Honey, it's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed or sad about. Why didn't you tell me? You told me that you slept with someone before."
"I know! I know!" she cried. "I'm sorry!"
"You have nothing to be sorry about." He held her tight, remembering what he had promised her in the Sandusky field.
"It's okay."
******************************
On an overcast morning, two days after being forced into vacation, Joseph stepped into the Hadley, Massachusetts post office. A man with thinning gray hair and a prominently missing tooth greeted him.
"Hey, can I help you?"
Joseph said, "Yeah, I'm looking for the Hopper Graveyard. I know it's around here somewhere, but I don't know where."
"Can't get there from here!"
Joseph stared at the man, who promptly started laughing. "Heh, I'm kidding. Hang a left out of the lot, go down about four or five miles to Gallows Hill road—"
"Gallows Hill!" Joseph said, "I remember that road."
"And after about a mile or so it'll turn into Smith Lane. It's not too far down Smith."
When he reached the graveyard, Joseph parked near a familiar old stone wall. He stepped out of the car and deeply inhaled the autumn air. A pale mist floated lazily between the gravestones, and at once he felt at home.
He looked around. No one was there, save the finches and cardinals in the trees. He stepped over pine needles and fallen leaves, pausing periodically to inspect the dates on the ancient gravestones, wondering if anyone shared his birthday.
Five mausoleums sat at the back of the cemetery. He walked up to the first one, a stone structure bearing the name Pape. He looked up at the cracks and vines among the old gray masonry. He sat down in front of it and pulled out a hastily-made peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
He wondered who the Pape family was, if any of them were still alive, and if they'd ever guess that a beautiful girl with dark hair had lost her virginity on their burial ground. It was a holy place, Joseph thought, for different people and for different reasons.
"Maybe we all make our own holy places," he thought.
The faint smell of honeysuckle embraced him.
*************************************
"I wish you didn't have to go," Veronica said, pulling her pants up over her slender legs.
Joseph nodded as he placed the last of his toiletries into his overnight bag. "Believe me, I'd much rather be out here than interning in L.A. You'll see me really soon, though. I'll be out here in two weeks for Thanksgiving." He sat down on Veronica's futon and began packing his clothes.
"I know! I can't wait," Veronica sat next to Joseph and looked away. "Joe . . .I have a confession."
"What's that?"
"Well, remember when you called me last week and I told you that my friend Stephen was over?"
Joseph stiffened, at once wondering if the rest of the conversation would go just as he was predicting it. "Yes."
"And we were drinking and watching Family Guy?"
"Okay."
"When we were younger and lived in the same neighborhood, Stephen's family and my family used to hang out all the time."
"Okay." Joseph felt his temper rising. Why did she have to play with him so?
"And when we were super young, we came up with this game when our parents weren't around."
"What sort of game?" Joseph asked as pleasantly as possible, bracing for impact.
"We'd—well, we were young and all—"
"What sort of game?" Joseph asked again with a hint of fury, giving Veronica pause.
"We—well, we'd have these sorts of fights, like play-fights, not real ones. We'd just kind of get rough and tumble, you know?"
"No I don't, since you ask. Get to the point, Veronica."
Veronica's eyes widened and she leaned away from Joseph. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you think happened? You think I cheated on you?"
Joseph clenched his fists with a fervency that surprised and alarmed himself. "Get to the point, Veronica."
She lowered her shoulders and looked down at the ground. "I didn't want to upset you. That's not what I—"
"Get to the goddamn point! What did you do with him?"
"We were horsing around and pulled each other's clothes off! That's it!" she blurted.
A strange tingle sizzled through Joseph's crotch and the air in his chest turned cold. His mouth opened and he stared at nothing.
Veronica dropped her shoulders and said, "But we didn't kiss or fuck or anything. He didn't put his hands on me—"
"You pulled each other's clothes off?" Joseph finally asked, his voice curiously low.
"I—we—"
"You let another guy pull your clothes off?"
"Ugh! It wasn't like that! Stephen's like my older brother! We're just really good friends."
She reached for Joseph's hand, but he stood up and stepped away. "Really good friends who rip each other's clothes off?"
Veronica's eyes darted to the ground. "I'm sorry."
Joseph yelled, "What the hell were you thinking?"
She closed her eyes to keep the tears back. "I'm sorry."
He screamed, "What the fuck were you thinking?"
She looked at Joseph, her eyes red and wet. "I wasn't, okay? We were drunk and I did something stupid! It wasn't sexual at all! We kept our underwear on and that was—"
"It wasn't sexual? I don't believe this!"
"Please stop yelling—"
"Who the fuck are you to tell me to stop yelling? You fucking cheated on me!"
Veronica's mouth opened wide. Her fingers curled and her face crumpled into tears. "I didn't—I didn't cheat! I swear! I'd never, ever cheat on you! We didn't do anything!"
"What the fuck are you talking about? You let another guy rip your clothes off! Did you pull his clothes off, too?"
Veronica was sobbing and didn't reply.
Joseph leaned in close and yelled, "Did you pull his clothes off, too?"
"Yes!" she screamed, "Yes! I was fucking drunk and I just thought it would be fun and stupid like it used to be! I never would've done it if I knew that it would hurt—"
"You know what?" Joseph said as he hurriedly shoved his clothes into his overnight bag, his hands involuntarily shaking, "You can go fuck Stephen, fuck your stupid little hand gestures, and fuck those fucking black ladybugs for all I care!"
He swung the room door open and turned around for the last time. "You have no heart, and nobody could ever love a piece of garbage like you!"
He turned and left, slamming the door shut behind him.
He never heard from Veronica again.
*********************************
"Overreaction," was the mantra repeating slowly in Joseph's head as he arrived at his destination.
Joseph was standing in the Ohio field and he did not know why. He was less than twenty miles from Veronica's house and wondered what she was up to. He wondered if he'd encounter her by chance. He wondered what she would say. He wondered what he would say. Part of him wanted to see her so that he could find out.
He sat down, spread out a blanket, and unpacked his lunch, a store-bought tuna sandwich and orange juice. He had remembered wanting to explore the nearby woods since the first time Veronica took him to the field.
"Why am I here?" he asked himself between bites, "Am I just fucking crazy for visiting all these old places on my vacation? What sort of fucked up memory pilgrimage is this?"
He imagined Veronica visiting the field with a new boyfriend. Maybe Stephen. Maybe she took him there to have crazy, uninhibited sex. Joseph frowned, angry at Stephen, angry at Veronica, and angry at himself for still being so in love with her that he was angry at all.
Maybe she'd show up.
He waited.
A black ladybug landed on his ankle.
He wondered if Veronica was standing behind him.
He closed his eyes and smiled. "I was hoping to find you here."
"You were?" he imagined her saying, "After the way you treated me?"
"I'm sorry. I overreacted. To be fair, you didn't treat me all that well, either."
"You hurt me really badly. It took me a long time to recover."
Joseph asked, "Really?"
Bitterly, he imagined her response, "No. I got over you really quick. I ripped some other guys' clothes off to get over you. I think it really helped."
He snorted, swallowed the final mouthful of his sandwich, and packed up his lunch. "It was stupid to come here," he said, "I can't even let myself have a vacation on my vacation."
As he stood up, a strong scent of honeysuckle blanketed him. A black ladybug flew past his left ear. He looked to the left.
Far into the field, a girl with dark hair stood with her back to him. The wind fanned her hair like thin petals of a dark rose. She was facing north, towards the deserted farms dotting the valley.
"Veronica," he whispered to himself.
He took a step towards her, then ducked into the tall grasses. He heard and felt his heartbeat. His face felt cold and his legs wobbled.
"Oh my God," he thought, "What do I do?"
He stared as she stood. He wanted to jump up and run to her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her. He wanted to cry as she cradled him close to her chest.
He imagined Stephen pulling her clothes off.
He remained where he was.
For almost a half-hour, he watched her. Every moment of their relationship danced before his eyes. He asked himself, "Why am I only remembering the good parts?" His eyes watered.
Joseph saw her look down, trace something into the ground with her foot, and leave the field. He remained where he was for ten minutes after she was lost to view. He trembled as he stood.
Looking over his shoulder several times, he made his way to where she had been standing, his new holy ground.
He looked down at where she had dug a design into the ground with her foot. It was a single, straight line, dark against the soft dirt. He squinted his eyes and studied it closely. A black ladybug landed on his arm.
With his foot, he traced two more lines, completing a triangle.
*********************************
When he arrived home in California a few days later, he noticed that someone from an Ohio area code had called and left a message.
- VS -
Entry 2
There is no price that I could payno matter the cost
I would not just go back in time
and prevent twilight lost
The sun, it's back; clouds rolled away
the shadows pushed and tossed
until there's nothing left but gold
this light, is twilight lost
I never liked the morning,
so early 'twas to me
but now I open up my eyes
and find that I can see
A weight, it has been lifted
A line, it has been crossed
The warmth it's spreading, and it's melting
the last few bits of frost
so know this when it is your turn
don't back away in fear
push on through and know that you
have morning's bright light near
only you can make it happen
only you can melt the frost
only you can push the night away
and know that twilight's lost.
Entry 1:
Axolotl
babyg
BLITZKREIG_BOB
Bubba2341
charminglybeef
Confuzitron
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
Crystle
Cyrus
darko
Davros
DrogoRoch
FunnyAsCancer
ghola
helbling
Hirilnara
homer42
horse87
hour_man
indoninja
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
Magicaddict
nrduncan
orph
ParlorTrick
redskieslookfake
Sacrilicious
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Sphagnum
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
The_taste_of_Monkeys
35 eligible votes (37 total) *
Entry 2:
coley
EchoBoxing
Fungah
JonnyX
Pentameter
rad1101
rob_berg
thecaes
8 eligible votes (8 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-27 22:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-11-27 21:11:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
I like that title.
I would've done it justice, I tell ya.
=======
you should still give it a shot. I'd like to read whatever you've got.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-11-27 21:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like that title.
I would've done it justice, I tell ya.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-26 12:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was author 2 and it was either this "rush job" (yall were right about that) or a forfeit.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-24 16:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1:
A bit more of an ending would have turned a great story into an amazing one. Still, thank you.
You seem to be getting better and better man. Your stories this tourney have been some of the best I have ever seen you post on this site.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-24 00:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really enjoyed #1.
I think the poem needed some more content/editing this late in the comp, but it's good to see some poetry in UM.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-23 20:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there's no real reason really.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-23 18:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I voted for #2 only because that is the first thing I have been able to get through this round.
Jesus Christ people, do you have to be so god-damn verbose?
We all GET that you are talented writers. Maybe try and condense some of that brilliance?
Or not, just a thought.
>sigh<
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-23 15:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-11-23 13:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow...ladybugs
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-23 13:14:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-23 08:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 was wonderful. Something about it just made me feel good. #2 was good poetry, but I liked the story more. Maybe had there been more stanzas, had #2 explored the title a little more, but then maybe more would have been too much, I don't know, I just preferred the story.
Submitted by babyg (user info) at 2006-11-23 08:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-23 05:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked number 1. Sweet little tale.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-22 23:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#1. Author #1, the Harlequin romance suckville dialogue nearly killed this, but there is a decent tale here. Just try to make the dialogue a bit more real in the future.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-22 21:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I refuse to vote for poetry
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-22 14:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 1 edged it for me, even though it was a little choppy.
Entry 2 was good, but just seemed like a rush job.
-Dave
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-22 11:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I really liked that story, though I felt there was, for want of a better way of putting it, a bit missing.
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-11-22 09:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I both liked #1, and will freely admit I wouldn't know good petry if it bit me in the arse.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-11-22 06:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 1 was written pretty well, but kinda went nowhere. I liked the characterization; Veronica is an interesting person. But Joseph's vacation didn't make any sense, his overreaction wasn't very believable, I don't know what the deal with the ladybugs was, and I kept expecting the story to go somewhere, for something to happen, but nothing really does.
Entry 2, not a bad poem. Submitting poetry in UM is pretty ballsy.
Or at least it was the last time I looked at an UM, which was some time ago. Now I don't know what's going on anymore.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-11-22 05:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good stuff number 1
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-22 03:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are such a rebel
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-22 03:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-22 02:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't like poultry
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-22 01:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 22:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-21 21:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the word, "Twilight."
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, I was thinking #2 = poetry = vote for the other guy.
BUT
#1 _started_ out okay, getting me involved in the story, but then it began to suck, and then it turned into into some emo bitchfest about who took who's clothes off, and then I stopped caring, because at that point it wasn't even a story anymore, it was a long boring rant.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
normally i would never vote for a poem, but this poem sucked so bad, i feel sorry for the author.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-21 14:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
poems make this choice easy.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-21 13:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-21 12:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Come on," she said, "Let's make out by a mausoleum."
That made me think of Fall Out Boy.
Dick.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-11-21 12:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
# Reviews written: 10218
My vote better fucking count.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-11-21 12:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poetry is gay.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even read #1 because I refuse to vote for shitty poetry.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was miles and miles beyond 2.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories always beat poems. Steller writing - don't care for the ending though.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 gets it for a decent story.
#2 I think you could have done a lot more with a poetic piece for this title. I'm guessing you have the ability to do so, but for whatever reason you didn't have the time to put the effort in to it.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin nice.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-21 11:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 - too long of a story for too little pay off.
Entry 2 was short, sweet and creative. It gets my vote.