Fragments of Agony and Arriba (813 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.64 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-11-21 15:02:48 EST
A while back kaos-king gave us a freewriting post filled with little odds and ends and words that never really went anywhere. You can find it here if you're one of the unwashed masses that missed it the first time: http://www.ubersite.com/m/88662. Seriously, check it out or I'll shoot you in the balloon knot with a blunderbuss and make it look like an accident.
At the time I thought his idea was a good one. I still think it is, and so I've given it a go myself and collected bits and pieces of things that I clearly started on, or thought to write down, and never took the time to complete or really work on. Why do you care? You shouldn't. But you'll read them anyway because we all know you're curious. Bi-curious.
No? Ok, maybe not. But this satisfies your short attention span's need for instant gratification.
Ok, at the very least you want a break from UberMadness..
Ok, at the VERY least you're bored. At work.
You wouldn't be here otherwise.
And every one a tombstone, and every
One a crown, and every one a warning
To those still above the ground
-
Painted lips that kissed white linen
To leave their mark
Open to swallow fingers
Gold ring against tooth and tongue
Smiling lips
Walking south as scissors
Leaving ghosts stained on my skin
So to haunt
And my eyes fall
And my heart falls
O vanity
-
Lovely little girls all in petal pink
-
Lovely little girls dressed in willing white
Lovely little girls dressed in petal pink
Lovely little girls dressed in running red
Each one I loved, adored with all my heart
But love them now as flowers, the living dead.
-
Blooming by God's lonely moon, by the light
They open and sing to me, call my name
For each possessed a voice before tonight
And still they yawn and stir in me the shame
For my impatience. My good intention
Was not to hurt them but to spare them lives
Without me, for though they gave attention
We would never become lovers or wives
(My eye to eyes like mine is only drawn)
Yet I could not permit them pass an hour
Without me, never let them see a dawn
Without me, saviorless and seeking light
But finding nothing equal to my care
They would walk empty, aimless
-
Make your heart a place for simple things
Painless education
Sterile flowers and plastic blades
The words of mother echoing
The touch of father beckoning
Make your heart a place for simple things
-
Brimley, Brimley, diabetes
Low blood sugar? Mmm mmm bitch!
Brimley, Brimley, life insurance
Coverage ain't just for the rich
Double dipping Price Is Right
Helping folks live through the night
Hawking Quaker Oats for years
Cocoon peeps cry alien tears
For old age, you've got a plan
Geriatric Superman
-
Sex-Mex salsa, red and white,
Is heaped upon our bed tonight
But we're the chips, the nacho kind
Our bods, my wang, and your behind,
Together mixed like guacamole
Taste that flavor! Holy moley!
That shit's hot you habanero
Pepper pusskin, knob ranchero,
Teat tortillas, bell pep butt
Mixing sour cream as we rut
A new sombrero makes your face
Look wonderful, now have taste
Of white bean chili, chicken-choked
From out the Alamo I poked
I'm Davy Crocket, bitch, you're Tubbs,
Now take my racoon-hatted love
Annexing land, my white man's greed
Will claim this land with flagpole seed
A second country, rich in clam
For all the
-
I suppose it would be fitting to say that I was born on a dark and stormy night, in the back of a cab that was taking my mother to the hospital for delivery. I suppose it would be fitting to say that I was delivered by a cop who was one day away from retirement, a cop who, after delivering me, ran back to his cruiser for some blankets and was crushed by a drunk driver behind the wheel of a Buick LeSaber. I suppose it would be fitting to say that I was then haunted by the ghost of this cop for most of my youth, and spent most of my tenth year on this earth hiding in a closet in fear of Officer Spooky, and that the only time I found I wasn't troubled by him was when I was sitting at a computer clacking away, getting a story out of my head.
Unfortunately, none of this is true. I was born in London to a set of wonderfully American parents, and take full advantage of my dual citizenship to this day. I took all of thirty-eight minutes to deliver myself into this world, cracking out of my father's skull from the inside and coming out dressed fully in armor. The docs in the ER tried to give him some verapamil for the pain, but once they saw the chisel poking out from the left side of his head they ruled out migraine right away.
My father was a generous man with a hearty appetite and an unsettling love of the Cleveland Indians. Don't think the man didn't stand in line to get opening night tickets to "Major League" when it premiered, or think for a second that he didn't go see it eight times. I got dragged to at least five of these viewings, and each time he'd sit there and look over at me with the glow of the movie screen across his face and say "Son, someone in Hollywood finally got it right. The majesty, the camaraderie. This is baseball, and this is America."
-
I look to the stars with a slack jaw
drool collecting on my shirt like pasta sauce on a mobsters bib
moments before Jimmy 'The Shoes' Manfusco pops two in his head from behind
bam, dead, facedown in a plate of mama's garganelli
where does the blood start, where does the sauce end?
I gotta wonder if hitmen hate getting shit on their shoes
wingtips don't exactly come cheap, you know
oh lordy, I've come undone again
-
I drove it through my mind's eye
And it came out black on the other side
-
I ran to the nearest house of God
and bathed in holy water to ward off infection
I overturned a tiny boat filled with Haitian rebels
And they fired tiny bullets at me as if I was King Kong
Thankfully I was wearing my Erecto-Ray that day
And my penis set them on fire
But only after I screamed "FLAMING BACON!"
-
Don't work and find yourself slave to the grind:
Master your bate and play on comp'ny time
-
See the mighty Samson wrap a fist around his locks
Shearing so himself for a bit of coin,
A drop of gold to lull the ticking clock.
See the painted lady, wrapp'd in stripes of pin,
Temptress eyes all fire and ice,
Softly urging, softly,
"Come to me and have your fill,
"Cut your hair, brute, free your mane - take it, clip it all
Give it hence Delilah now to hang upon her wall."
-
"Untitled Emo Poem"
My heart is as black as the unwashed clothes I live in,
For it is riddled by a thousand bullets of hate and loathing
Fired from the tommy-gun of conformity,
Perforating my vintage Joy Division shirt and ripping my cold heart to pieces.
Pieces of my life are all that remain in this cold, desolate world of night and darkness and pain and suffering and darkness and desolation and sniffles and hatred and sorrow and darkness and grief and woe and toil and underhandedness and darkness and boo-boos and owies and recrimination and rejection and filth and waste and disappointment
But particularly darkness.
Remain with me a while, Shame,
Stay with me a moment, Misery,
Afford these anguished, riddled bones a moment of comfort,
Permit me wail my songs of agony into your winds
Before the coming of the garish, angry sun,
That wicked hangman that tans the skin and
-
Johnny Cash very well may have been the original goth singer. Lyrics aside, just consider the way he looked. Like Morrissey, he wore black on the outside, because black is how he felt on the inside. Straight black up and down for Cash...none of that frilly fageriffic Victorian era bullshit that would later become popular. He was a man's man, after all. And what do real men avoid? That's right, kiddos - ruffled cuffs.
-
In lavender her name is soundly written
Under blankets and upon the mirror's face
For everwhere I go I see her
And every woman I kiss is her
-
From wellspring of damnation born,
From mother's womb my body torn,
I took of breath of life and cried.
From my first minute on this rock
I writhed and squirmed in pain and shock,
I took a breath of life and cried.
I took a breath of life and cried.
-
He with his mullet, and tennis elbow?
He of mullatto blood and questionable taste in music?
-
Oh ale, me ale, I love you the best
You fill me up day in and out
With bangers and mash, or my pals smoking hash
I love ye most, don't you doubt
When I was a wee one I found me a friend
A bottle so proud and so true
I nipped during class and out flat did I pass
When I made my way down to the loo
I found me a job and I found me a girl
And I found myself here in this place
With Gail beside me and ale in my hand
I lay Croesus and Midas to waste
-
Jew, Jew, garden Jew
Make my flowers grow
-
we are the young lions
we are the new math
we are Occam's razor
we are here and we have a message and you are not going to like it
let vanity perish, let envy go hungry, and let the good times roll
We are beyond metro, we are Supersexuals
we're 'beyond' all that
we are a wheel of time
we are the tuning fork of God
we are natural springs and we are wells
we are the unused diaphragm your mother should have kept with her
we are meat sticks sold on a street in Bangkok
we are Tokyo after Godzilla's come to town
we are Charlize Theron's car seats
and we are Nicholas Cage's receding hairline
you heard me, America
we are Neil Diamond's lipstick
and we are a new Audi TT
we are Ty Cobb's sharpened spikes
we are the state of Ohio's unemployment statistics
we are warm biscuits
we are Spiro Agnew's bartender
we are the unbearable lightness of being alone
we are the bass line from 'Airbag'
We are tropical shirts and we are power chords
-
The Hulk's come out green
and radiating
like a gerbil after a go-round in the microwave
Jean Grey and Psylocke, and the rest of the women
Don't do that sort of thing, of course,
Except She-Hulk
Oh, man, does she ever
Why come you never see them in their private moments?
WHY COME? It's more interesting than their battles!
For all the talk of heroes and villains
No one ever wonders what their bathrooms are like
Contractors must make a fortune
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-20 22:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this at the time it was posted because I was too busy trying to keep my world from spinning. I love it.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-22 09:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimi Hendrix - The Wind Cries Mary on my Stereeeeeeeeeee-oh!!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 23:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:11:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have the right to kick me in the rectum with a pointy-toed boot. I did not intend to bust your perfect +2, sir, and I apologise.
Fuckin scroll-thingy.
---
I'd think that leaving a reply after my "smelly ass above" comment is punishment enough. For tomorrow you shall be referred to as Shitpants.
Oh whatever. Don't worry about it. It's just a number. Like Apollo's hat size, which has prompted New Era to issue a press release about their new 'extra husky sized' fitted caps.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:48:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
How SHIT is Saha? No wonder Newcastle got shot of him
---------
I would've thought he'd fit right in.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i did.
it was wank.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have the right to kick me in the rectum with a pointy-toed boot. I did not intend to bust your perfect +2, sir, and I apologise.
Fuckin scroll-thingy.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 18:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lovely little girls dressed in willing white
Lovely little girls dressed in petal pink
Lovely little girls dressed in running red
Each one I loved, adored with all my heart
But love them now as flowers, the living dead.
--
Loved this.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Smelly ass above
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shark jumper below
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
parrot below
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
penis envy below
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
penis envy below
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fag below
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You clearly see through me and into the very depths of my soul.
It's like you're inside me right now, and I have pure white marriage bedsheets below my body.
Make me stain them.
Make me stain them red so we can show them to the town to the cries of "Intacta! Intacta!"
I mean, thanks for the cool piece down there.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah shucks, grolly. (In best Goofy imitation.)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ahumblefool, will you marry me.....all over again?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron woke up that day springing from his bed
With visions of loving poetry trapped within his head
Today I shall break the mold and rise above the rest
Turn my words towards better things instead of woman's breast
Standing in the shower O turned his mind to words
Breaking up his stanza's in fifths and fourths and thirds
Sipping his Gingerbread latte while driving into work
Poems of love and caring within his brain did perk
I will show them all on Ubersite that I am a better man
I can write more than words about a woman's can.
And so he did write of worldly things, of might and truth and love
And his words did spew pen to paper as if guided from above
This is my finest hour, my praises they will sing
Plus Two for life my Uberites and followers will surely bring
But alas his first review from Shlongy was a minus two
And it did not fare any better from the lasses and maidens true
Ghola wrote no comment, a zero you shall have
Sacrilicious gave him a one, cutting her rating in half
Others just wrote mocking responses, calling him a fag
Calincourt's response said this only proves you like to dress in drag
The words did burn and scorch the mind of our heroine O
And in his hate he placed pen to pad and let his feelings flow
He wrote of hate and villainy, of unpermissioned sex
He wrote of colostomy love and sex acts quite complex
He tore threw rape and travesty, he wrote of pain and shame
He wrote of deep throating virgins and other worldly game
Making three way comments to Sac, Crystle and Anansie
He would write and show these fags that Otron was no pansy
Anal sex, nostril sex and empty eye socket sex too
O began to feel at home he had found his writing true
All mans fears and shames would be taking to the door
He would even find a way to write of hardwood floors
There was no love within him; he gave in to his suppressed ID
And finished up his verse about acts he saw and reenacted as a kid
He posted his lauds and poetry on Uber once again
Hoping that those amongst them would minus two abstain
A plus two from Captain Thorns a promise of a song
A "Good work fag boy," came in next from the mighty Shlong
Method stepped in and said that this was so very wrong
And Orgasmatron leaned back and nodded in the most Bosh way
Smiling at his craft of love, feeling no remorse to words betray
Most heated is where I belong, most heated I shall stay
And began to write his next verse of headless sex display
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One would think so, Jake m'boy, given how much the state sucks..................blood.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pennsylvania - is that where the vampires come from?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wanton who thinks an IUD is something a drunk is charged with below.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Both of you are American. American. Neither of you can talk about spelling. You Z abusers. Or 'Abuzerz' (sic) as you'd undoubtably spell it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Proof of superfluous "n" and someone who doesn't notice the "u" and the "i" are next to each other on the keyboard below.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh balls, no -n.
"Pennsylvania."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Proof the Pennsylvanian Board of Education needs to step up its spelling initiative below.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oblivious ADD poster who apparently fails to realize haighty redhead could give a fuck about American football below
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haughty redhead who's depressed her (american) football season is over thanks to a blown ACL below.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHE CALLED IT FOOTBALL
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Limeys who should STFU about football below
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How SHIT is Saha? No wonder Newcastle got shot of him
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Erm, don't mind me.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ARGH YOU DIVING CUNTS
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I triple dog dare you to do it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't drive a Buick either, i just wanted to nitpick. i will be the proud new owner of a Subaru Outback after tonight though.
look out mid-america anonymous mediocrity, here i come!
i'll pass on posting any of it for the time being. some of them are no more than a single sentence. some are a few pages long and i just didn't like where they had gotten to when i quit them.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Like I drive a Buick.
Don't throw the folder away, scourge. Just post all of it. Now. Unedited.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-21 16:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:10:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't save these things.
---
I do.
I have a huge folder of them. Funny, that. Especially considering I have only posted one piece of creative anything here since June.
What little bit of creativity I have seems to have dried up and blown away.
I'm going to toss the whole folder in the recycle bin right now.
Also, its Buick 'LeSabre'
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
short attention span (whore) below
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is some ridiculous and wonderful stuff here with much potential.
But WTF I'M NOT READING ALL THAT AT ONE TIME
bacz laterz
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. That moustache is a bit scary.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stag:
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/page/news/2006/11/8/Nick_Cave_Bad_Seeds_Members_Are_Grinderman#39593
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, Non-Sequitur Man...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grinderman, eh? I've not heard of them.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:10:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't save these things.
---
I didn't think I did either, really. Most of these were tacked on at the bottom of full pieces that I'd done before. There are at least three things up there that I don't recall writing at all.
I need to send you Grinderman's new single, by the way. Their album should be coming out in a bit. It will provide a good Nick Cave fix for the coming months.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
She Hulk? Not so much. Can you imagine the damage she would do to you with those post-orgasm spasms? Would not want to be between her thighs when that happens.
---
And you thought Famke Janssen was bad in Goldeneye.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite a few of these are very very very good.
You sir, are talented, but you don't need me to say it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Did I win anything?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't save these things.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jean Grey and Psylocke? Christ, I've fantasized about that since I was 10.
She Hulk? Not so much. Can you imagine the damage she would do to you with those post-orgasm spasms? Would not want to be between her thighs when that happens.