Destroy my furniture and you fucking die, cat! (692 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.07 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dexter Brown (View user info) at 2006-11-21 19:05:07 EST
I fucking hate cats. Actually I like cats, that is, up until the point they start to occupy my living space. In my house though, I must put up with the pussy I don't love to get the kind I do. We just do not see eye to eye on this. She sees adorable kitty with playful antics where I see vermin of hell shredding our stuff. She sees princess of Persia nestled on her lap where I see white fur on my black slacks before work.
With the seeds of disdain firmly planted, harvest time was ushered in with the arrival of our new sofa. And by new I mean, virgin cushions sheathed in plastic, no loose change, no Cheetos, no ass mold, factory fresh, $1,400 brand new. The high back of the sofa positioned under the picture windows really set the aesthetics of the whole room off. We were pleased, but at the time didn't factor in the cat point of view. You see, cats really could care less how much you've paid for your furniture, or how much you value your possessions. The only thing that registers in the cat brain is cushiony elevated perch with outdoor view.
Less than a week goes by, and from another room comes a strange repetition of guttural noises.
Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh - Hhurgh
Squelllllllchhhhhh
I know that sound. I've heard that sound before.
People hear about cats coughing up hairballs. But some people might not be aware that the term "hairball" barely begins to describe this unimaginable foulness. The hair of the hairball is mere garnish in a muck of indelible, brownish-yellow stomach fluid and partially digested cat food.
I walked into the living room and saw what I feared, yet expected to see. FUCKING FUCKBALLS!!!!!
While trying to avoid a direct visual of the cat yack, which was now beginning a slow trickling descent down to the arm rest, I scooped the cat up and, with what I thought to be an enormous amount of self-restraint, gave her a moderate heave-ho into the grass of our backyard.
Pure seething contempt describes my mood - undiluted by stupid rational thoughts of "It will wash out" and "Its only a possession." No, this level of anger needed an outlet, and there was only one possible direction it could flow. I picked up the phone.
((RING)) FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!
((RING)) SONOFAWHORING BITCH I can NOT believe this
((RING)) I'm going to be a complete asshole, there is nothing good that can come of this.
((RING)) Maybe I should calm down a little. Its not her fault. Completely.
[VOICEMAIL] "Hi honey. Call me at home. Loveyoubye"
I spun off 10 yards of paper towels, grabbed the Windex bottle and went to work. The phone rings just after I finished the final wipe.
"Hello?"
"Hi, I'm just returning your call. You sounded upset."
"Upset?"
I thought I had my emotions in check by voicemail. Clearly you should never doubt the intuition of a woman.
"Well, yeah. The cat threw up a hairball on the couch (sound of air drawing in) and I just finished cleaning it up."
"Oh no she did not! That little bitch!"
"Yes, she did. And yes, she is."
"I'm sorry. Its not her fault with all her hair, and she's shedding a lot lately."
"I know, I understand. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating."
"I know, of all the places too."
"I would really enjoy squeezing the life out of her right now."
The long pause here made me grimace. There are some things that should not be said, even if they are felt. Any dumb stick in a relationship should know this.
For example, an expression of anger such as "I could have killed her!" is an acceptable idiom that will usually go by unnoticed. Explicitly describing how you would enjoy squeezing the life out of your woman's precious kitty cat? Completely different.
"That wasn't funny. In fact it was shocking." [click]
Some days had passed since the hairball incident, and I did my part to ensure it was all water under the bridge.
It was Monday morning and I was leaving for the day. Starting the engine, dropping into reverse, and pulling out of the driveway becomes one swift, fluid motion after you've done it twelve thousand times. But this morning there was a change-up in the routine.
Thuh-THUMP!!
I broke hard. "What the HELL was THAT??"
Getting out of the car now, I feel my stomach go into a 10g helix. "Oh no. No no no. Nonononononononono."
I try to reassure myself. "Just forgot to pick up the Sunday paper yesterday. That's all."
But there are times that you just know. You become acquainted with this feeling throughout your life. Its indescribable and yet unmistakable. We live in a Karmic universe. And the universe, indeed, had it out for me. I got to the back of the car and felt a hot jolt course through my body as I stood there in stunned horror and disbelief.
Eight days ago I had willed bodily harm onto this animal. Today, it lies at my feet in a lifeless heap. How do I even begin to explain this?
Panic sets in now as I scan the vicinity for witnesses. "Nobody. Good. Cats wander away when they are ready to die, right? And she was getting up there in years. How many more could she have possible had? One year, maybe two at the most. But most likely one, yes."
Pieces of my deranged plan begin to congeal. "Shovel. Park. Paper bag. Wait no park, too many people! The new construction site down the street. Yes. No!! Its Monday. Construction workers. What about the backyard?"
I have now reached the depths of my depravity. How could I even consider burying her beloved cat underneath her very feet? Thoughts of The Tell-Tale Heart enter my mind. Yes, I'm sure during a family barbeque, I would hear its little fucking feline heart beating in my ears.
"Villains! Dissemble no more! I admit the deed! --dig up the dirt! here, here! --It is the beating of her hideous heart!"
No, that wont do. I've decided to tell her. Somehow I'll find the words and just, tell her. I don't know how this will fare on our relationship, but one thing is for certain - tonight I will be sleeping on the couch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-24 15:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Malka (user info) at 2006-11-23 21:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I almost de-clawed my fiance's cats with his electric drill when I found their scratch marks in my leather sofa.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-22 11:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of the time i ate my girlfriends pet fish
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-22 09:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimi Hendrix - The Wind Cries Mary on my Stereeeeeeeeeee-oh!!!!
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-11-22 01:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ENOUGH WITH THE FLAILING, GODDAMNIT!
I FUCKING HATE YOU, BIRTHDAY CAT!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 23:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What you need is a Birthday Cat.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-21 22:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor bastard.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-11-21 21:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right, well on the 1.4% side of the story, I never considered not telling her ;-)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-21 21:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are 98.6% idiot.
I fear for your future children.
Fork, socket, who knew, right? The kid is still smoking. I guess I gotta tell her.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, I love other's misfortune.
Good luck, I hope you don't get your penis chopped off in the middle of the night.
But if you do please post said penis.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-21 20:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i tried to kill my birds cat.
i read that they are allergic to ibuprofen so i put one in its milk.
the dog drank it and died.
i was very upset.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
come on now, shlongy. Pussy face doesn't count.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Too many fucking CAT posts around here.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
serves ya right for marrying a cat chick
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, just tell her you found the cat pizza on the road outside the house.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a cat.
She tells me secrets...
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-11-21 19:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is 98.6% true!