Psycho Dave and the Apartment Building Jihad (1396 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Psycho_Dave
Rating: 1.75 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Internet Slacker (View user info) at 2006-11-23 21:01:41 EST
I figure I can finally write this story since it happened over twenty years ago, which should easily be over the statute of limitations for driving someone insane.
Most guys in their teens have a friend who engages in crazy, even sometimes criminal activity. I had a pal like that, except he wasn't so much crazy as going slowly yet surely psychotic. I have countless stories of this guy, who I had to eventually stop hanging around with because he was just getting too goddamn nuts.
Let's call him "Psycho Dave", or Dave for short. I'm not going to use his real name, as I fear he's still Out There. In fact, my small circle of friends and I have a constant "Psycho Dave Report" making the rounds to alert each other about new Dave information. Last time I heard, Dave got busted for running a credit-card counterfeiting scam...which (rumor has it) had ties to the Al Qaeda terrorist group. I shit you not. Jesus Christ.
But let's get back to the story. I'd like to tell you now about the time Dave and I drove the landlord of the apartment building I lived in totally fucking ape-shit. You readers in your teen years will especially enjoy this tale, as it involves massive property damage and annoying the living shit out of someone until they suffered a nervous breakdown. Real Life Griefing, if you will.
I was about fifteen years old, living in a fourteen story semi-crappy apartment building with my recently divorced Mom. She was having a great time, finally being free from my domineering father, so she'd often go out on the town to drink heavily...which left me a lot of time to get into teen-angst filled trouble. This free time included "exploring" the entire apartment complex by bypassing locks to get into the elevator room, furnace room, people's storage lockers, cars in the underground parking garage, etc.
Before the change in the apartment's superintendent, I had declared the entire building off-limits to Dave's constant requests to vandalize the entire grounds because the first super was a cool, friendly guy. He kept the building, lawns, and swimming pool clean and had one of those great attitudes that made you not want to destroy his apartment building. But for some stupid reason he was replaced by an evil superintendent who didn't give a damn about cleaning and was rude to the building's tenants... which really didn't bother me since it involved other people at first, but then he was rude to me, and that did bother me, so bye-bye property values.
I grew to despise the evil superintendent, so I informed Psycho Dave it was now "Apartment Season" and there was no limit on kills this year. We weren't going to kill the superintendent, of course; but Dave and I sure planned on murdering the property values. We based our vandalism on a psychological warfare platform: the superintendent was really short (almost midget-sized), so Dave and I referred to him as "The Runt" in each and every act of grim, never-ending destruction we visited upon that apartment with the imaginative fury only teen males are capable of creating.
The first act of vengeance started small, and took place in the pool change-room. I had gone in there to use the washroom to take a dump, and while I was sitting on the bowl, Dave began carving into the stall's outside metal door with what I presumed to be the many knives he usually carried on his person.
Me: "Dave, what the fuck are you doing?"
Psycho Dave: "Just wait and see". He began laughing. More horrible metal-on-metal screaming noises; it's not easy taking a crap when it sounds like the washroom stall surrounding you is being knifed to death.
After I was finished, I walked out of the stall to discover Dave had carved into the door the phrase: "HELLO RUNT!" in blocky-yet-somehow-friendly vandal-font. This simple act inspired our whole "Apartment Building Jihad" against the evil superintendent. Over the following months, the midgety building manager stumbled upon these random acts of directed insanity:
-> Dave and I got into the elevator room at the top of the building and with thick red oil paint wrote on the floor, "LAIR OF THE RUNT".
-> We also broke into the super's big storage room in the underground garage and spray-painted, "RUNTAL STORAGE UNIT", each word on a separate wall. Psycho Dave asked me what a "runtal" meant, to which I replied I didn't know.
-> We wrote "I LOVE MASTER RUNT!" on his white poodle dog in black magic marker. Yeah, a poodle: I told you the superintendent was pure evil. Note that LOVE was surrounded by a big heart drawn in thick black lines, slightly weaving up and down along the dog's fur-covered ribcage. Hiding from the bushes, Dave and I saw the superintendent's face twist into a grimace of fury and abject hatred as his poodle joyfully ran up to him. Ever try to write legibly on a struggling poodle? Ain't easy.
-> The phrase "HEIL, MEIN FUHRER RUNT!" appeared more than once in the stairwells. I actually felt kinda bad about that one because I observed my nice elderly Jewish neighbour Mrs. Weisman pass by the stairwell on our floor, glance through the exit door window, and audibly gasp.
-> Dave and I got onto the apartment roof one night and painted, "RUNTLY MANOR" in freaking eleven foot tall HUGE LETTERS on a wall facing the, well, entire city. Dave had to get up on my shoulders to get the letters big enough to see for miles, which pretty well the entire population of the city did.
-> Dave would call up the superintendent late at night for two weeks straight, around 4:00 AM, and when the super would answer in a groggy voice, Dave would conversationally say, "Runt?" And that's all he'd say, no matter how much screaming came out of the phone. Then Psycho Dave would hang up. A totally random time interval later, repeat. (This was in the days before Caller ID; you kids today have no idea how easy it was annoying people telephonically in the 1980's).
-> Around Christmas we mailed the superintendent (by now nearly going out of his mind) a card with a picture of one of Santa's tiny elves on the front, and from it we drew an arrow leading to the word, "YOU." On the back we signed it, "MERRY RUNTMAS".
-> Dave shoplifted a clothing mannequin from the mall (don't ask me how, please... just be content to know it involved a lot of running), and threw it, undressed and face-down, into the apartment building's indoor swimming pool. While I never saw what happened, I heard that an elderly couple (maybe the Weismans) went to go for a swim, started screaming, and called the cops. Who then called the superintendent, to ask him to explain why there was a naked mannequin with the words, "SAVE ME RUNT" written across its chest floating in the swimming pool.
-> But I guess the real clincher was the morning the superintendent woke up, walked down to his beautiful white Camaro automobile in the underground parking garage, only to be confronted with the phrase RUNTMOBILE spray-painted on the driver's side door. And when I say spray-painted, I mean Psycho Dave held the spray can for an insanely long time on each letter so the red paint dripped down in big thick lines and made RUNTMOBILE look like a total baby-eating whackjob had just escaped the mental institution, found a spray-paint can, and decided to say "Howdy" in his own special way to a nearby friendly previously mint Camaro..
Yeah...well, after all that, the apartment building suddenly had a security guard... but Dave and I transformed our "Apartment Building Jihad" into various acts of semi-insane and probably illegal "pranks" against the poor minimum-wage rent-a-cop who had to man the front desk. Once we managed to lock him out of the building in the dead of night, without his coat on, in minus thirty-degree weather. Dave and I monstrously enjoyed watching him shivering and knocking on the building's main entrance (now secured with chain & padlock), his bare frostbitten fists desperately pounding against cold glass, getting progressively weaker in the cold Canadian winter winds, from the warmth of my sixth-floor apartment...
Sometimes I really, really miss my teen years...
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 16:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is most excellent - I highly approve of suck hijinx!
I've done similar things in my past...do you how much noise you can make when you put a 12-pack of Michelob bottles in a dryer and turn it on?
a lot...
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-11-26 06:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like my age and the story shows a lot of similarity to certain parts of my life.
I sure hope to see more about Dave in the future.
What year were you "grounded"?
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-25 03:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant!
more please!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-24 14:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
psycho dave is new jimbo???
Submitted by CATT81 (user info) at 2006-11-24 14:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome! I want to marry Dave.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-24 13:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MORE! I DEMAND MORE! MORE TALES OF PSYCHO DAVE!
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2006-11-24 11:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a re-writing, updating of the original "Driving My Building Superintendant Insane" that I posted on here a few months ago; I think it's a better re-write. I'm glad Ubersiters are enjoying it!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77910
What the hell?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The mad teenage years, such sweet memeories.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
thought this was going to be a lot funnier, it just seems you were mean to a dwarf and expressed this by painting things.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:39:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-23 23:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck an image an a blunt, nigga. That aint rap, dawg.
Submitted by garudave (user info) at 2006-11-23 23:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teenage rampage at its finest.
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-11-23 22:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"RUNTLY MANOR"
That's fucking awesome.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-23 22:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-23 21:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know why but "RUNTAL STORAGE UNIT" made me hoot like a gibbon
Submitted by mrfr0g (user info) at 2006-11-23 21:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment