Enema Sluicing Ass Gurus (457 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malka (View user info) at 2006-11-23 21:04:56 EST
Shut Up and Listen!
If relationship gurus are so expert in their field, then why all the nauseatingly mawkish books on relationship advice? Wouldn't a select few be a sufficient panacea for our ills? Perhaps the one area in which these wannabe gurus would most like to assist troubled couples, the improvement of communications, is that at which they are failing miserably with their own audiences. A slew of good intentions are then published, re-worded, and published again in the hopes that the message finally sinks in.
I say, fuck that. Talk to these people on their own level, you condescending, enema sluicing ass-bastards.
This is my advice on how to communicate to a loved one. It will go far in improving relations, and some might even get more sex out of it.
1. If emotions are running high, it's time to walk away until both of you are under control. Walk away to the bathroom, pee on your partner's toothbrush, and then walk away to the kitchen and hide behind a drink before they detect your wicked smirk.
2. Don't be a historian, but stick to the current issue. Your partner is too congenitally defective to recall just how horribly they treated you, and so rather than ask them to master something as taxing as the history of things which happened yesterday, forgive yourself for being with them in the first place.
3. Listen to your tone of voice when presenting your case. Would you put up with that bitter, complaining, or judgmental whine? If not, then shut the fuck up before your partner stabs you in the ear with the handle of that soiled toothbrush you left them in the medicine cabinet.
4. Positive statements and word choice will make your partner more receptive. Instead of screeching "You never listen to me!" or "Suck my ass until your head caves in!" use "I" statements to guide attention away from your partner's misbehavior by hollering "I think that you should suck my ass until your head caves in!" or, "I have a great many influential and sinister friends who owe me a favor. Have I got your attention yet, muthafucka?"
5. Seek a compromise that you can both live with, because neither one of you ain't never gonna change.
6. Despite a lack of response, your partner heard you the first time. Before repeating your argument ad nauseum, give this person awhile to contemplate how enraging you are and yet how compellingly sexy you would be if you were on fire and begging for mercy.
7. Don't be so involved with what you have to say that you neglect to hear your partner. You're a runaway language train with diarrhea. Who the hell wants to sit around listening to that shit??
8. Encourage your partner to open up by showing thankfulness and respect for their expression of viewpoints. Then when you find out how they really think and feel, you can use that against them in a court of law.
User Reviews
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2006-11-27 16:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you've been talking to my husband...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent title
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-26 16:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stay on Uber
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 19:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was krazykewlzilla.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-24 15:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty funny
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-24 00:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha, you've read "relationship books" *points and laughs
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-23 22:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you.
My baby beat me up ... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought
up.
-- Homer Simpson
Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-23 21:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone knows advice is supposed to come in increments of ten.