PDFCF: The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers) (2813 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rad (View user info) at 2006-11-24 07:03:14 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96128
I have to share these "funniest analogies" with you. They came in an e-mail from my sister. She got them from a cousin, who got them from a friend, who got them from... so they are circulating around. My apologies if you have already seen them.
The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-01-22 18:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The top two have nothing on six, seven, nine, eleven, fourteen, sixteen, and twenty-one.
Submitted by pannerplant (user info) at 2007-01-06 08:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-29 17:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha...
I'm supposed to be working! The muffled sound of choking isn't doing me any favors. It's betraying me like some horrible traitor.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-29 17:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This list was really seriously funny. #6 was the best one.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-11-27 17:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-11-27 17:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
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It takes a hell of an email forward to make it share-worthy. BUt you've done it man. You have done it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 16:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
----
haha, these are awesome, i'm sure we'll see these in UM-V.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-27 10:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-27 08:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mucaphagy.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-26 17:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
mine is better than yours
better layout, graphix, etc.
ps i hate people who spell grafix incorrectly.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-26 17:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
9. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
Is that even an analogy?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-26 14:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i apologise it was over 3 years ago.
nice work radly.
*kisses*
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-26 14:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/10323
HA!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-26 13:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*smiles.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-26 13:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf link it
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-26 12:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf, I just read an apollo post on the same thing
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-25 17:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
laughter consumes my being like water consumes the brain before one dies of hydrocephaly
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 16:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maltese finally reads a Rad1101 post, like wiping your ass with silk.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-25 15:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
link it, cock
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-25 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i posted this two years ago
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-11-25 12:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny like a joke that's not actually funny at the time but very funny in retrospect. Though this was funny immediately
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2006-11-25 11:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok that was funny as shit
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-25 00:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That's very funny but absurdly old and you stole it from somewhere.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-24 23:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are bazillions of these out there, and they are cooler than shit.
Thanks, Rad....
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i may work slow but i do poor work
i'm not too bright but i'm thinking all the time
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Now that you bring up diarrhea, bob... I'd like to take this opportunity and say, "I have some major diarrhea." Because it's true.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-11-24 20:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-24 20:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. "
THEFTED FROM DOUGLAS ADAMS COPYRIGHT VIOLATION BAN RAD AND DANGER RANGER
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-24 20:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious. Hilarious like a guy whose name is Steve, but his nickname is Frank.
I tried......
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-24 17:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
This reminded me of a "love note" that my wife intercepted in her classroom. It read, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in."
Submitted by Saeki (user info) at 2006-11-24 17:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be using some of these in the future.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-11-24 17:38:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have not laughed this hard in so long...shit, this was awesome.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-24 17:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-11-24 17:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For these:
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-24 15:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of Caulaincourt's fake UM entry.
Horrible.
Yet humorous.
PLAYGERISST
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-11-24 14:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is like assorted shades of hair clumps on a barbershop floor, except they are sentences.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-11-24 13:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh a stifled laugh - the kind that sounds like a constipated man trying to force last night's dinner out without waking his wife with perfectly functional bowels sleeping in the next room over.
I also laughed heartily when I remembered I'm not constipated, or married.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-24 12:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How an email forward got a +2 from me is beyond me, but then again, I never get any email. Not even spam.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-11-24 12:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post was good. Good like other posts that are also good.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-11-24 11:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made my day... although it didnt have much to compete with to be fair
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a stream of bat's piss, you shine like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-24 10:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
HAHAHA
One of my favorite similes is a Nick Cave lyric- "..And with an ashtray big as a.. FUCKING REALLY BIG BRICK I split his skull in half.."
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-24 09:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, i didn't realize PDFCF meant "take shit out of a forward and post it" i guess you are supposed to get a +2...
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-24 09:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
these are hilarious. especially the one about phil. poor, poor phil
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-24 09:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-24 09:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
---
The best section.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally stole it from digg.
im still reading digg as we speak.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just fucked up my keyboard spitting coffee on it. Thank you that was superb.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yuck, that's the last time I try preview.
http://tinyurl.com/yg6oqv
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://preview.tinyurl.com/yg6oqv
I saw this on digg last night.
I don't know how to rate this. It's confusing, because you admit it's from an email; but that admission comes from the language of that very same email, i.e., it isn't from your sister, cousin, friend, etc.
Here's a 1 for making me think so hard about this.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#20 is the only one I can imagine ever really being written.
It sounds like something I would have written while trying to be too smart.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
----------
Wait, I think I dated this girl!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Bit Douglas Adams-ey
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:02:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
------
this was genius
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-24 08:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not even close
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's harder than one of those really hard things...during the iron age...made out of iron.
And SUPERMAN!
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's another 5 minutes of my life down the drain of happiness.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I attempted to write a review using a similar analogy, but was suprised how remarkable hard it is to write a genuinely funny one that sounds authentic.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have thought and tried, but just can't do it justice. I'll leave it in peace
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are awesome. I saw them yonks ago, and have been looking for them ever since.
Thanks man.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do it.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-24 07:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I really want to write a post in this style.