Murder with a Garbage Truck (646 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-11-24 21:35:37 EST
I took a job as a garbage man about a year ago. This was something I wanted to do my entire life. It pays surprisingly well, and you can really learn a lot about pretty girls without actually talking to them.
My truck crew was me, Jim, and Bob. Jim drove, I rode on the back and pulled levers, and Bob drank. We never traded, so we were all getting very good at our respective jobs.
There's lots of fun little games you can play with a garbage truck. My favorite was always seeing what the biggest live animal is we could compact. Jim was once able to lure a 10 point buck into the compactor using a huge bait pile. It flipped out when I turned on the compactor, but luckily Bob was able to buludgeon it with a cinder block before it could get out.
Bob had this game where he'd have us drive through the slums... then he'd kill homeless people with a hatchet. He was good at that. Bob didn't talk much.
Despite all the childish games, we still got serious when it was time to move some trash. We had the highest productivity in the operation. Because of this, our supervisor would always look the other way when we rolled in with dead animals in the compactor or half dead prostitutes being dragged behind the truck by a chain.
All was good, until Nerdy McNelson joined our crew.
Nerdy was trouble from day one. He would say annoying things like, "I don't think we should be doing this..." and "Stop hitting me!"
What a douchebag, seriously.
There was only one way to deal with people like this, you had to beat them into submission and then make them do all the work. After Bob threatened him with a hatchet, we rigged up a harness and had him pull the truck like they do in those strong man competitions. Unfortunately, for Nerdy, he weighed about 110 pounds.
We took away his glasses and sent him out in front of the truck. Little did he know, we were on a slight hill. Jim held the brakes to make it feel like he was pulling us, when in actuality it was the only thing keeping him from being run over.
After we'd gotten all the laughter out of us, Bob released the brakes and Nerdy disappeared under the front bumper.
As I listened to the muffled screams come from under the truck I thought back to why I wanted to become a garbage man in the first place.
All I could see in my head was the image of my toy garbage truck running over a gumbi action figure.
Mission accomplished.
User Reviews
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2007-01-15 18:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2007-01-08 23:24:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FLORIDA!!!
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I'll remember that.
;)
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-12-31 03:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What they both said.
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 13:10:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. You're still the author of the funniest post on this site. It was the first Uber post I ever read, and the second best. It was, of course, "Killing A Small Child With My Ass".
Ah, the memories.
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Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-24 23:26:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! Another Jon post! You're my favorite author.
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Submitted by hsimah (user info) at 2006-11-27 08:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hear the garbage men at 5am every Tuesday, I've always wondered how they got into that profession.
Submitted by garudave (user info) at 2006-11-26 21:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahahhahahahahhahhahahahhaha.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-11-26 19:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Overrated, but kind of amusing.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-26 00:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-26 00:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Studying people through their trash= garbology.
True anthropology term.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-11-25 14:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really do miss writing on uber.
Too many people at work found out about it though so I had to stop for a while.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 13:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. You're still the author of the funniest post on this site. It was the first Uber post I ever read, and the second best. It was, of course, "Killing A Small Child With My Ass".
Ah, the memories.
Submitted by Malka (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So that's what happened to my dear Kibbles...
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-24 23:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! Another Jon post! You're my favorite author.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-24 23:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you for giving me my first and only laugh of the day
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blow me, Doodles, I can be/get it up anytime I wish. I have no time to deal with your stupid comments concerning the possible thought that I live in a nursing home. You are close, though, I live next door to six foxy nurses, and they all say to tell you to eat shit and die. So, my good man, consume feces and expire...
:)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:01:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too lazy to read this, but you seem like a respectable Uber user.
******
Doodles, you lie, your feet stink, and ya don't believe in Jebus....
Shut the fuck up about my applesauce...
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At least I can still get it up you prehistoric, feeble old man.
Now go to bed, the nurse said you're not suppossed to be up after 6 P.M.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Don't fuck it up.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too lazy to read this, but you seem like a respectable Uber user.
******
Doodles, you lie, your feet stink, and ya don't believe in Jebus....
Shut the fuck up about my applesauce...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Twisted, perverted, sickening, and FUNNY!!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-24 21:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too lazy to read this, but you seem like a respectable Uber user.