Wikibias, Or: How I Kicked A Metric Ton of Wikiass (1320 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2006-11-25 01:14:05 EST
"Dear Wikipedia," my e-mail to "the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit" began.
"My name is Chris. My two favorite things in the world are Wikipedia and masturbating to shemale porn. Which leads to my third favorite love: Ubersite. Ubersite is a wonderful place where kitties and puppies run free...
...into a truck and then the results are placed on this delightful Web site. Recently, a faithful Ubersite user created an article on Wikipedia. The article was very informative despite the lack of shemale pictures and the fact that rape was only mentioned once or twice. But the article was successfully petitioned for deletion and I fear for its very existence and subsquently my own. Wikipedia, I was overjoyed at the union of 2/3 of my great loves and I would hate to see them part. Please reconsider.
Love,
~~~~"
For minutes, I clicked the "check messages" button in my browser. But Wikipedia didn't respond. Were they mad at me for looking up dirty words, I wondered.
I decided to write another e-mail.
"Dear Wikipedia,
My name is Chris. I love Wikipedia very much and I hope you do not delete the Ubersite article. It means very much to me. I was going to name my child "Ubersite article on Wikipedia" but it will not be fashionable and sexy if you delete the article. My backups are 'Poop Poop' and 'Left Parenthesis' so you can see the difficult decision I would have if you took option #1 off the table. I would always regret picking one over the other. Please don't make me choose. Again, please reconsider.
Sincerely,
~~~~"
Maybe they responded in the time I was writing the other e-mail, I thought, so I checked my inbox again. Nothing. I decided to try one final time.
"Dear Wikipedia,
WTF?
~~~~"
I waited by my inbox and eventually my real mailbox for weeks but no reply came. Could the millions of users be ignoring me? I thought about forgetting about it and throwing away the scrap metal I had in my backyard that I had assessed was just enough to build a helicopter, but instead I built a helicopter and instantly learned how to fly it to Wikipedia headquarters.
The location of Wikipedia is a highly guarded secret that only a few people know. You must use all of your skill and a dash of cunning to find the answer. Little do most people know that the location of the Wikipedia headquarters is actually on a Wikipedia page entitled: "Location of Wikipedia Headquarters."
Turns out, it's in the hearts and souls of every user who has ever seen a bit of incorrect information and changed it. Anyone who has ever said "I think I know something about something" and added it to a corresponding article or those who troll the recent changes pages day and night for senior citizens vandalizing the "chicken" article.
So I flew my helicopter inside every Wikipedia user and shouted at the top of my lungs,
"WTF?"
"LOL?" they responded.
"Dudes, the Ubersite article," I yelled.
Most of them turned away from me and masturbated to the "list of sex positions" article. But three men approached me from the back of the crowd. An old Indian man in majestic robes led the other two, younger white men dressed in casual polos and tasteful slacks.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed," the Indian man asked as he pulled me aside. "a new user like yourself can't go vandalizing silence like that. The mods probably already have their fingers hovering over the ban button."
The three looked around to see if anyone was monitoring the conversation.
"I can tell you where your friend/article is being held," the Indian said. "But to get him we will have to go through the most literary depths of hell, well-descripted fancy and tantalizing intrigue.
So after we got through all that much faster than expected, we were at the top of a mountain somehow. The fierce winds were blowing the old Indian man's skin almost as much as his beard.
"This is it," he yelled at me, almost inaudible from the intense gusts whipping at both his mouth and my ears. "You must go to the top of the mountain to retrieve your friend/article. That is where the Wikipedia deletion logs are located."
I looked at both of the white men who had followed myself and the Indian through our journey. Each of them looked at each other and then up at me. They each shrugged their shoulder and started to walk down the mountain. I looked for the old Indian man but he had used the dot in the middle of his head to teleport off the mountain to a chair next to a cozy fire.
"It looks like I'll have to do this myself," I said, taking the first painful step by myself towards the summit...and victory.
"Uh...I'm still here," said the sherpa we had hired but had been so inconspicuous that I had not mentioned him until now.
"Shit," I said. "I'd like to take you along...but I mean, I already took the first step on my own."
Looking forlorn, The Sherpa took out his jetpack and flew to safety.
I then took my second, third and fourth steps to the top of the mountain and realized I had made it already.
"Hooray," I said and began to hack the computer mainframe.
Just then a team of ninjas jumped off a passing tornado and kicked me in the chest.
"Ouch," I whined. The ninjas laughed and in horrible dubbed Engrish, spoke:
"Because of recent vandarism, editing of this mainframe by unregistered or newry registered users is currently disabred."
"Oh, but I have an account," I said.
"Prease rog in," the ninjas said.
I entered my username and password and pressed the ninja's enter key.
"Would you like me to remember the username and password?" he asked, as it was my first time attempting to log on to Wikipedia using this ninja.
I clicked "Never for this site" and thought I heard the ninja sigh.
And then we fought.
The four ninjas surrounded me in a box or circle formation, depending on how you draw. They all came at me at once. Ninja #1 kicked me in the head, 2 kneecaps and 3 and 4 both went for the groin.
"Oh, me so sorry," said Ninja #3. "I thought you were going for the hip."
"LOL," said #4. "I thought you were doing the same thing."
"LOL," said #3.
After my testicles stopped exploding, I used the Jecht Kick from Final Fantasy X to save the day.
I then pushed the Wikipedia mainframe off the top of the mountain and absorbed one of the ninja's power of flight so I could fly down the mountain. There, thousands of nerds who were celebrating their freedom from wikislavery.
One particularly fat one came up to me with two glasses of champagne and a hearty smile.
"Say, Chris," he said, "wasn't the whole point of that to save the Ubersite article on Wikipedia instead of destroy Wikipedia?"
"It started out that way," I said, waxing nostalgic about being able to use the term "waxing nostalgic." "But then I realized something, fat man. If there's one think Ubersite does well, it's harass other internet sites until they implode. Had I not destroyed those servers, dear lardo, the retribution for the deletion would have been so massive that it would have dwarfed even the Lollercaust."
"I know you meant Hollercaust. But I agree that killing 6 million Jews is hilarious," fatso said.
"Me too, you fat piece of shit," I said while chugging the bottle of champagne. "Me too."
RIP Ubersite Wikipedia article
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubersite
November 2006 - November 2006
NEVA4GET
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-14 19:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf ftw!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-29 15:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I
'm going to read this later.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck the wikipedia article - it should be deleted
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-26 11:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way too drawn out, but
"Because of recent vandarism, editing of this mainframe by unregistered or newry registered users is currently disabred."
did it for me.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-11-26 05:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jansen!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-25 23:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-25 23:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-25 22:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This would be funny if I were 12 years old.
Did you ask if they had Prince Albert in a can?
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-25 20:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 12:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That...was...AWESOME...
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-11-25 12:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Most of them turned away from me and masturbated to the 'list of sex positions' article."
hahahahaha; wikipedia's most popular
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-11-25 12:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
comedic darkhorse
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-11-25 10:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When incoherence becomes an artform...
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-25 08:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needed more cowbell
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-11-25 05:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aces mate. Though I am a little annoyed you beat me to the "Bash wikipedia bandwagon" maybe I'll ignore this ever happened and post anyway.
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2006-11-25 03:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-25 02:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol, I just realized you didn't just kick a ton's worth of ass, you kicked 1.10 tons worth of ass.
Crazy metric system...
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-25 02:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY Nerfherder post!
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow
and I thought I had too much free time...
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lolz.