The Stench of Noxious Stupidity in the Library Computer Center (757 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malka (View user info) at 2006-11-25 01:34:32 EST
What you cannot do in the library computer center without provoking fantasies wherein I bludgeon you with the keyboard, wrap the mouse cord around your neck, and wait until your face is the color of bruise before I violently encase your head with the monitor:
You can't expect the printer to immediately spit out your print job as soon as you hit the print button, so don't pester me about it. Your computer isn't the only one hooked up to the printer. Besides which, our equipment is designed to detect unimportant documents and regularly purges them to save paper.
When the room is practically empty, don't you dare sit at the computer right next to my desk. I need my space, and I don't want your impetigo blisters oozing anywhere near me.
If you smell like humid fungus and cat piss, you can't expect that I want to come anywhere near you. Please refrain from asking for my assistance until you can afford to buy a washcloth that works.
You can't interrupt another customer or barge into the group awaiting my attention as if your problem was the only one deserving of my attention. NOTHING is truly worth my attention, as I only serve you Assmongers so that I don't get fired.
See that constipated expression on my face? That's because your question is fucking stupid. You are supposed to have basic computer skills when you use our expensive equipment, and I'm not here to hold your hand and be your teacher unless you are willing to encourage me with money and pluck the raw shreds of bloody meat from the crevices of your gaping teeth before speaking to me.
So, you insist on asking me for my help? Fine. When I come over to your computer, I expect for you to be prepared for my assistance. This is a real life composite scenario that inevitably makes my eyes drill hate beams into your skull while I fervently hope that you do not reproduce your retarded genes:
Idiot: "Hey library lady (frequently pronounced "lie-berry" lady), I need to attach something to my email. Can you come over and help me?"
Me: "Let me interrupt my important work to come over there, sure."
After we reach the computer...
Me: "Do you HAVE an email account?"
Idiot: "Um, yeah?"
Me: "Well, why don't you open it and I'll come back when you're ready."
(By now the stench of noxious stupidity is making me ill)
Then I'm summoned over again.
Idiot: "What part of this email do I have to fill out?"
Me: "You don't really have to fill anything out except the address of the person you're sending this to."
Idiot: "Oh wait, I have that somewhere (shuffles through a pile of scrap paper and business cards) uh, it's, no... wait , I think... I think this one is it." Here they start typing the address with one finger, an appendage evidently afflicted with Parkinson's, arthritis, AND epilepsy.
Me: "What document do you want to attach?"
Idiot: "Uh, it's... it's on this disk that I have somewhere... wait a minute (epileptic hand is engulfed by a gaping bag full of useless items and more paper scraps), um... oh, yeah, here it is." Inept fumbling ensues to my great discomfiture, making me want to shove them aside and scream "Oh let ME do it!" like the Computer Guy on Saturday Night Live.
After my tutorial on how to attach a document, a lesson to which they are not paying the slightest attention because they know I will jump up and do it for them anytime they want...
Idiot: "Um... so, how do I know that it REALLY got sent?"
User Reviews
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-11-28 05:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I share the pain of your experiences at the library computer center. I once heard someone ask the librarian what a floppy disk is. But let's face it, the library employee's most important function is determining a strategic location for his holiday-themed bookmarks.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-27 11:32:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 16:03:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Ubersite. You are probably the best thing to happen to this site in all of 2006.
Rules:
1. Don't post more than once in a 24-hour period.
2. Don't retalite on someone by giving them a -2 if they've -2'd you.
3. The best time to post is during the weekdays (excluding Friday). This way, your post gains maximum exposure
4. Maltese is an annoying fucking pest who will blather on and on about senseless shit. Feel free to either ignore him or poke at him. Either way.
5. Scourge is your new hero. worship him and provide offerings of beer. if you're a hot librarian feel free to send nekid pictures to brdn.nkd.at.yahoo.com. I will screen them (much like the beefeaters) to ensure they are fit for scourge's consumption and then pass them on to him.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-27 11:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 16:03:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Ubersite. You are probably the best thing to happen to this site in all of 2006.
Rules:
1. Don't post more than once in a 24-hour period.
2. Don't retalite on someone by giving them a -2 if they've -2'd you.
3. The best time to post is during the weekdays (excluding Friday). This way, your post gains maximum exposure
4. Maltese is an annoying fucking pest who will blather on and on about senseless shit. Feel free to either ignore him or poke at him. Either way.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-27 11:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if you hate your job so much, why don't you find another one?
it can't be that great librarian salary keeping you there...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-26 16:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All the footballers at my school have impetego ;(
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-26 16:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-11-26 16:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm an academic librarian. I understand.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-26 13:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank the lord you didn't put this was your 1st post. i hate it when people ask questions to do with computers, especially if it's how to use bullet points in Microsoft word.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-11-26 04:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey library lady, well done!!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-25 16:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Ubersite. You are probably the best thing to happen to this site in all of 2006.
Rules:
1. Don't post more than once in a 24-hour period.
2. Don't retalite on someone by giving them a -2 if they've -2'd you.
3. The best time to post is during the weekdays (excluding Friday). This way, your post gains maximum exposure.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-11-25 10:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly what does your job entail?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-25 10:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Firstly, good posters are extremely welcome to uber in these mediocre times.
Secondly, you're obviously not working that hard, cos you're posting here... but i'll forgive that..
Submitted by mrfr0g (user info) at 2006-11-25 10:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, this indeed reminds me of my job. Except that the only important things I do is play video games. Woe is the person that bothers me with their stupid question when I'm in the middle of bejewelled.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-25 06:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah alright
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-25 05:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what makes murder sprees happen, children. Stay out of the library for your own safety.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written angst. It likes me well.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-25 01:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
submit this with your aplication for a concealed fire arm permit