The New Adventures of Baby Jesus (533 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RPharazon (View user info) at 2006-11-25 23:23:54 EST
It was a sort-of-cold, sort-of-warm night. The kind of night where you can stagger off drunkenly and piss on a wall without getting frozen to death or attacked by flaming Rhesus Monkeys.
There was a flaming ball of garbage in the night sky, probably launched by some inept government officials. To the drunk eye, it might look like a star.
There were fields close by, filled with inexplicable sheep.
In a dingy stable, a mother was in childbirth. She knew that, even though this hurt NOW, it would hurt a lot more later on.
A bunch of gatecrashers walked in the door, laughing and bringing semi-precious "spices" and "dusts".
"Who are you, and what in the fuck are you doing here?" yelled the mother, gasping and panting.
"Holy fuck! A donkey!" said one of the gatecrashers, pointing to what was clearly a cow.
Just then, the roof fell, a horse was crushed, and an immense, holy light filled the room. The 3 Gatecrashers seemed oblivious to this. One started gnawing on a horse, muttering something about the illegality of the aforementioned act in California.
"Hey! How's my favorite virgin doing? Ready to give birth to my son, no doubt" boomed the voice in the sky.
"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU OMNIPOTENT FUCK!" yelled the woman, pointing blindly at the sky.
"Yeah, yeah. Don't let it go to your head. I would have used a hooker, but they were busy fucking Joseph at the time."
Joseph's face was a weird mix of surprise and an "Oh, fuck. I'm screwed" expression.
All the while, a few shepherds joined in the fun, attracted to the stable by the yelling and crashing and whatnot. Nobody except the 3 gatecrashers seemed to notice them, in between puffs of 'Myrrh'.
"Well, I need to go now. Moses is throwing a bitchin' party over at the Party Room. I heard that Abraham is bringing the beer!"
With that, the light went away, and a few angels started floating around, cheering and laughing.
To ease the pain, Mary yelled out profanities and curses to her soon-to-be-born child. She pushed one more time.
In a mangled explosion of blood, placental discharge, and holy light or something, Jesus, the Savior of Mankind, was born.
The angels started chanting "JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!"
Of course, being angels, every time they uttered the Messiah's name, one of the gatecrashers turned into a keg of beer.
"GodDAMN, woman! Your uterus is harder to get out of than Hell!" coughed Baby Jesus.
He promptly walked up to the remaining keg of beer, and ate it in one bite, letting out a burp so massive that a nearby house exploded and half of the stable collapsed.
The sky lit up again, this time with some beer cans falling out of it.
"Hey! How's my one and only son! I trust you've had a good life so far!"
"Yeah, dad. No thanks to this bitch over there. Did you make her uterus out of industrial adhesive or something?"
"Yeah, just for you. Well, I'd better get going. Noah's wearing a lampshade, and I want to see how many whales I can drop on him before he passes out. Oh, here's a spoiler. You're going to die in a horrible way on a cross, and you're going to be persecuted for the rest of your life, and beyond. Well, have fun!"
The sky closed up, the partying angels disappeared, and the sheep were unamused.
"That old bastard. Oh well. It's better than cleaning up after His mess up in Heaven. Ever since He created Heaven and Earth, he's always been like "do this" and "do that" and "I'm going to send you down to Earth to die". Well, I'll show him."
He turned around to face the flabbergasted man and the unconscious, blood-covered woman.
"Fuck you two. I'll be back in a few days, after getting me some hot concubine ass."
And with that, he flew off into the sky, tackling a sheep, punching a soldier, and kicking down the newly-rebuilt Wall of Jericho on the way.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-28 11:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Did you make her uterus out of industrial adhesive or something?"
Aaaahahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-28 11:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-11-28 00:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh. My blasphemic stories all have a 1.4 or higher. (I think.)
Good thing about Christianity is that if you repent on your deathbed, you're still saved. If the Atheists are right, it doesn't matter anyways.
Awesome.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-11-27 06:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blasphemy / racism / rape = auto +2
Even though your +2 is auto, you still deserved it, I was bursting out laughing at my desk here!
Good job.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-26 18:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by re-bell (user info) at 2006-11-26 14:44:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're so going to hell for this!
Submitted by Malka (user info) at 2006-11-26 17:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mommy used to read me this story at bedtime.
Submitted by re-bell (user info) at 2006-11-26 14:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're so going to hell for this!
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-11-26 14:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THOU ART SURELY BLASPHEMING! I WILL NOTIFY THE VATICAN, AND WE WILL SEND OUR CRACK-TEAM OF CHILD RAPISTS FOR A SPOT OF DIVINE RETRIBUTION AND/OR SODOMIZATION, EVIL HARLET.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-11-26 01:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU OMNIPOTENT FUCK
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-11-26 00:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot concubine ass.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-26 00:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgit to rate
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-26 00:01:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, you need to submit this as a "made for tv" movie idea