Cure for Cancer Found in Nintendo Wii (970 hits)
Category: NewsRating: -0.04 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Serious Melvin (View user info) at 2006-11-26 23:22:54 EST
The Associated Press, 26 November 2006
Is there anything the Wii can't do? According to cancer patients at the Children's Hospital in Dallas, Texas, the answer is a resounding no.
Although its wide-reaching affects on personal health have been well-publicized, from its ability to induce aerobic activity to its relentless resolve to evoke laughter and happiness, doctors at the Children's Hospital have stumbled upon a startling new development: it also cures cancer. Lead medical practitioner Dr. Steve Phillips assures us he was just as shocked as anyone, but insists his conclusions are sound. "I haven't seen anything like it," he stammered as a tear glistened in his eye, "but after just six minutes of Wii Bowling from his hospital bed, little Timmy is well again!"
Others at the hospital were not so enthusiastic. "Sure, I'm glad (little Timmy)'s okay, but we'll all be out of jobs once those new shipments arrive," said an employee who wished to remain anonymous.
As of press time, the hospital had placed an order of fourteen more systems, but administrators admit the Wii has been difficult to get ahold of. "Our budget simply doesn't allow us to pursue the black market," one said.
Economists warn of a collapse in the pharmaceutical industry as a whole. "If (the Wii) is found to cure cancer, what's to follow? Alzheimer's? Diabetes? Nintendo would hold a monopoly on the healthcare industry and millions would be out of jobs," said Economics professor Dave Varfield.
"Of course I'm happy for little Timmy," snapped Varfield when asked.
User Reviews
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-11-27 23:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
that's the whole point, he doesn't have cancer! sigh. at least I got to amuse myself uh?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-27 23:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not even slightly amusing and i love posts where children have cancer
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-11-27 23:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck, uber. I give you Art and you give me -2s.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2006-11-27 19:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2006-11-27 19:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wii is going to be the death of Nintendo
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-11-27 14:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep writing, you are a god among men. I have never read anything this great!!! I will pay you to keep writing, please do not stop, anyone you negative reviewed you is jealous. I am going to make a website devoted to you and your writings. I will set up an e-mail interview tomorrow.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-27 14:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2006-11-27 01:09:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Personally, I liked it.
Although I'm a PS3 guy meself.
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I was number 3 for a Wii at Walmart after an 11 hour wait, and it was sure as hell worth it. Nothing has been wrong with it, quite unlike a lot of the PS3s. It as funny as hell going to the PS3 forums on the 17th.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-27 10:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled at the picture, then I realized that I was smiling from that one time when I boned a Portuguese refugee in the pooper.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-27 10:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-27 10:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Lame.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2006-11-27 09:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-11-27 09:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO WII WOO!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-27 09:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-27 08:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-11-27 03:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-11-27 01:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2006-11-27 01:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Personally, I liked it.
Although I'm a PS3 guy meself.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-27 00:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy fuck do you have a link for this? This is fucking incredible!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-27 00:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-11-26 23:25:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Could have used a humorous filename
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-11-26 23:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh come on, that MS Paint work is unparalleled!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-26 23:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This gets a resounding meh.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-11-26 23:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Could have used a humorous filename