I just wanted to taste her... (1091 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.13 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by John Bam <showtime.at.theapollo.com (View user info) at 2006-11-27 10:58:38 EST
I always felt loneliest during the holidays.
About ten miles off of exit 177 I saw it; a driveway jutting out of the woods like a laser through a singlemode fiber I turned my truck onto it and followed it to the end.
I'd heard I could ease my weariness here. It was known around the shadier circles of town to be 'welcoming' to my kind, if ever such a warm word could be directed towards a cold bastard like myself.
They called it "The Farm". I'm sure it had a catchy name once, maybe even one of those tacky arrow signs with the light bulbs pointing travelers in the right direction. Back then, the place probably would have had trucks parked all along this gravel driveway leading from highway 30. Good ole' boys stopping by after a long day of work to pick out a "pet", something to satisfy their primal urges, to do with what they pleased. But things are different now, and a place like this has to stay under the radar.
I had decided to take my chances.
I stepped out of my rusted Ford and the chilled breeze hit my uncovered face, a thousand needles piercing my skin. I flipped up the collar of my jacket and slid the zipper to the top before slamming the door of my truck shut behind me. Stuffing my gloved hands into my pockets, I approached the front door of the house before me
-----.
I knock three times and, almost as if I was expected, the door opened. I was greeted by a tall fat man in overalls, whom I immediately looked at with pity for no particular reason. Immediately the smell of burning firewood engulfed me and I was reminded of a more innocent time of my life, back before the demons of responsibility took over. Or just as evil, the demons of bureaucracy. I couldn't pinpoint any particular moment in my life that I yearned for the most, just childhood in general. Christmas trees, bonfires, hot chocolate and cookies in front of the fireplace... and meat. Lots of it. It just seems like a lifetime ago.
"What you need son?"
"I'm here to look at your ladies." I said with just a hint of superiority in my voice. I regretted it at once, knowing that this man has the power to determine if I went home happy or if I went home alone. I realized my mouth was still covered by my flipped collar so I unzipped my coat and managed to contort my mouth into somewhat of a smile. I hoped that it didn't appear as fake as it felt.
He stared hard into my eyes, reading me. I assumed he was looking for a sign of weakness, of uncertainty, or of anything that might mean I was an agent of the authorities. I tried to recall a conversation I might have had with an acquaintance about this place. Maybe some sort of secret password or handshake was required to gain entrance. My memory remained blank, but something must have told him I was safe because his expression changed and he stepped backwards to allow me in.
I muttered "Thank you" and entered the domicile.
The once suspicious fat man now closed the door behind me and began walking away, towards the rear of the home. His stained denim outerwear covered a long-sleeved gray tee shirt, reminding me of a ranch hand out of one of those old western movies. He was not wearing a hat, but his balding head looked uncomfortable in the open air. He wiped the sweat from his brow as he walked, and without turning around he called back to me, "My name is Fred. Welcome to the farm."
-----
The foyer opened into a living area, and I followed Fred inside. A large fire burned away in front of a big red recliner, no doubt Fred's favorite chair. There was no television, no radio, in fact, no technology of any kind that I could see. Just a bookshelf filled with hardcover books and cheap-looking folksy art on the walls.
The lack of entertainment worried me for a moment, but then I noticed a small remote control looking object resting on the arm of the recliner. Fred must have a screen hidden away somewhere after all.
I continued following Fred through another door, which opened to a hallway. I could see a window looking into the backyard at the end of the hall, and it appeared that it would be our destination. I couldn't believe he'd keep the chicks outside in weather like this, especially with the sky drones liable to see or hear them. From the looks of him though, I doubted he had any more compassion than the logs burning in his fireplace, and probably about as much good sense.
I was proven wrong when he slid open a closet door towards the end of the hall, which despite my nervous observation of these unfamiliar surroundings, I seemed to have overlooked. Fred pulled a string in the dark and suddenly the room was lit by a single bulb, swinging overhead. I was confused and frightened for a moment as I stared into this empty room, imagining being chained up and left to die, but Fred lifted the carpet from one of the corners to reveal a trap door in the floor. Relief washed over me like a warm fleece blanket.
He opened the door with a grunt, the hinges squeaking and cracking as if they were suffering from arthritis, and he slowly disappeared into it. I approached the opening and saw a lit stairway heading down into the basement. I quickly but cautiously proceeded down behind Fred.
The stairs lead to one final door, which was already opened by the time I got to it. Fred motioned me through and I obliged.
And that's when I first saw her.
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User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-29 15:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-28 17:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.25
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-28 16:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-28 15:06:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
This shows promise: One small constructive critique, though - you have a tendancy to reuse the same word multiple times in a single paragraph. Although appropriate in every instance, the repetition does get a bit old and diminishes the "punch" of the particular word.
It's a proof-reading thing, more than anything.
The story is engaging, and well-told so far.
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thanks for the advice. i agree, i need to work on that. i could use a thesaurus... for christmas maybe.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-28 15:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This shows promise: One small constructive critique, though - you have a tendancy to reuse the same word multiple times in a single paragraph. Although appropriate in every instance, the repetition does get a bit old and diminishes the "punch" of the particular word.
It's a proof-reading thing, more than anything.
The story is engaging, and well-told so far.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 03:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting... I will be awaiting another installment.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-11-27 20:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
missing the picture of the turkey at the end
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-27 20:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oh man...your name is beauxjizzle? Fo shizzle beauxjizzle, fo shizzle wit nizzle an' fizzle.
...not like I can talk.
Right, your story...it's pretty okay...so far. You'd better not disappoint with the rest of it though. *shakes fist...feels dumb...smiles and walks away*
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-27 17:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In that case nice work. I like.
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Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:19:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
thats not the ending damnit... i should have put "part 1" in the title but it felt cheap and whorish.
i know my fiber analogy was really fucked up but it seemed funny at the time.
im having trouble keeping the POV straight. i usually write in 3rd person, but I'm trying to "broaden my horizons". i keep switching between present and past tense without meaning to, I hope I'm catching them all as I go.
anyway, I wouldnt have posted this shit if I didnt want input.
thanks
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thats not the ending damnit... i should have put "part 1" in the title but it felt cheap and whorish.
i know my fiber analogy was really fucked up but it seemed funny at the time.
im having trouble keeping the POV straight. i usually write in 3rd person, but I'm trying to "broaden my horizons". i keep switching between present and past tense without meaning to, I hope I'm catching them all as I go.
anyway, I wouldnt have posted this shit if I didnt want input.
thanks
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-27 15:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a driveway jutting out of the woods like a laser through a singlemode fiber
------
You've never been to a REAL whorehouse, have you son?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-27 14:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this has promise
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-27 14:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright two things...
First, what the hell kind of an ending is that?
And second, your analogy about the fiber looks like it belongs on this list:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96129
Geeks and nerds are only one small piece of the potential target market for a short story about whores and red necks...
Otherwise it had the potential to be engaging...
Submitted by cstick3 (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you get a plus two if the follow up is equally good. nice stuff
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i cringed a wee tad.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, im in
Submitted by Lizz_Zero (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Lame ending.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-27 12:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, worth reading. Worth a read.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-11-27 11:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a provisional +2, It'll be a -2 if there isn't a follow up!
Enjoyed this story, nicely written, but I sure hope it will be finished.