Never Take Advice From Someone Who Gives You Dating Tips Involving Toothbrushes or Potato Salad (994 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2006-11-29 10:43:39 EST
There comes a time in every young man's life when he seeks pearls of wisdom in matters carnal.
Once they have been introduced to the ways of the flesh, it's not long before they figure out that there's more than one way to heat things up. The problem is, what to experiment with?
It's nice to know that something has been tried and tested. You don't want to risk looking like an idiot by going in blind, and fucking it all up because you thought that your girl would really love a bicycle pump up the ass. Being adventurous is all very well, but a suggestion of a cricket bat style fisting session is apt to leave you with a black eye and blue balls.
When I was 17, I had been seeing a girl called Kim for a few weeks and I decided it was high time to get down to it. She was a year older than me, so I wanted to make an impression on the first time. I already knew the basic techniques, but wanted something extra to throw into the mix.
My first mistake was asking my 20 year old friend Chris for advice.
My second mistake was listening to him.
"Sure, there's a whole bunch of stuff you can do!" He sounded a bit too enthusiastic, as he began to rattle of suggestions. "My ex-girlfriend, she used to love having an electric toothbrush put up there."
"A toothbrush?"
"Yeah! And another time, there was some left over potato salad, and I don't know, maybe it was the texture or some shit, but she went crazy."
"Potato salad?"
"Hell yeah. And be forceful. When they say then don't want it, that means they do. When they say they want to go, it means they want to stay. Put your foot down. Chicks love that shit."
"You sure about this?"
"Hey, trust me! And I haven't even given you my gold material yet. Listen, this is what you gotta do....."
3 days later and it's Friday night. I make good use of the minimum wage I took home back then, and decide to treat Kim to drive-thru Maccy D's and a movie, romantic fucker that I was. I didn't want to be too obvious about what I was after, but I did make a point of opening my wallet at every opportunity to subtly display the featherlite durex I had purchased earlier that day. That's right - I'm smooth, baby.
Finally, we made it back to my place. A few drinks to lighten the mood, and we're in the bedroom. Heavy petting led to the inevitable removal of clothes, and then we slip between the sheets. Just kissing and cuddling and playing to begin with, don't take it too quickly. She's making all the right noises, getting into the mood, so I decide to up the game. It's time for the big guns. With my free hand, I fumble around under the sheets for the item I had placed there earlier. Now just wait a few more seconds....
"Aaah, mmm, aa - What the fuck was that?" All intimacy stops.
"What? You don't like that?" I'm instantly on the defensive.
"No! What the fuck have you got down there?" Sounding angry.
"Er...nothing?" Quickly withdraw.
"I'm serious! What the hell was that?" Getting angrier.
"Nothing!" Outright denial seeming to be best escape route.
"Tell me what the fucking hell you got before I twist your balls off!" Full blown rage. Rips covers off.
"I haven't got anything!" Still lying, even though she can clearly see I do indeed have something.
"Is that a kiwi fruit?"
"No!" Sheer defiance, the last course of action.
"It's a fucking kiwi fruit!"
"Passion fruit, actually." Give it up. Game over.
"It's still fruit! What the fuck were you planning on doing with it? You think I was gonna let you eat it out of me, or something?"
"No..........well, yeah."
"Are you fucking crazy?"
"No!" Clearly, yes.
"You make me sick! I wanna go home, now."
"Hey, wait a minute! You say you wanna go....... That must mean you wanna stay!" I position myself between her and the door.
"What?"
"That's right! I'm putting my foot down, bitch!"
*Note to self: Never, ever, say this again whilst naked. Not ever.*
She grabbed her handbag from the bedside table, and proceeded to throw the contents directly at me, one by one by one. Now, in the normal run of things, a compact mirror is not one of the more feared weapons amongst inner city gangs. It doesn't immediately strike fear into the hearts of dictators across the world. But, if you ever happen to have one launched at high speed in the general area of your groin, then you'd be praying for a fucking amnesty.
She winged the round, metal object at full pelt, with a bit of spin that just clipped my left testicle, sending a jolt of pain searing down my leg, and forcing me to collapse on one knee.
With both hands attending the rapidly increasing pain that was setting in, my forehead was a sitting target for the flying wooden hairbrush that next came my way. She seized on the opportunity while I was distracted to pull on her clothes, and get the hell out of Dodge.
Funnily enough, I never spoke to Kim again, and the stupid cow had just set me back a huge deal in sexual experimentation. It was 4 years later before I could even attempt the rubber chicken episode, but some things are best left buried.
So then, anyone for passion fruit?
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-22 15:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You don't want to risk looking like an idiot by going in blind, and fucking it all up because you thought that your girl would really love a bicycle pump up the ass."
gold
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-29 18:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch dude. Though I went out with a freaky goth chick for a while, one night she wanted to do this 'blood play' shit; having seen it on BME I agreed. 45 minutes later I was in A&E getting a tetanus shot. Still got scars.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaaaa
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-29 15:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
With the toothbrush, do you use the handle or the business end? And if the latter is the case, do you brush with it afterwards? Beats flossing with pubes!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-29 15:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-29 14:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...I'd let you eat a passion fruit out of me... baby.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-29 14:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, girls love it when you smack them around in public. It makes them feel significant and gives them a sense of being. Just f.y.i.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just be thankful you didn't go the electric toothbrush route.
That shit can get nasty.
-Dave
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always find a good route is to act all macho and shit (No don't dance to Village people). Then when you finally get to a near intimate moment, look at her all sheepish and say that you are actually a virgin.
Some really go for it and like the idea of having your cherry, it's really wild. Of course when they all get together and chat about having you for your first time you may want to consider moving.
Note of warning: If they don't buy it then I advise getting down and breathing through your ears for a while, but be careful as this may lead to a marriage proposal. Unless your technique is that of an asthmatic Sloth.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"you thought that your girl would really love a bicycle pump up the ass"
Girls don't like that?!? I wouldn't have guessed. Good lookin' out man! I better write that down.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Expirimentation comes well after the first few rounds.