something (857 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: practice
Rating: 1.68 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourge (View user info) at 2006-11-30 14:08:06 EST
The pale blue smoke twisted slowly, lazily upwards.
Issued from between two thin lips in a tight stream, it grew, gaining in dimension what it lost in its seeming substance. Losing that same opaque quality that people often do over time, becoming not altogether transparent; but being all the more pitiful for their stark refusal to do so, maintaining a stubborn translucence, keeping one foot firmly planted in the past, scared perhaps of what the end could mean.
Dissipation. Obliteration. The eventual annihilation of the self...
Slowly upwards...
Turning on itself, climbing, clawing over it's own past. Creating a double helix, a dealer of death aping the building blocks of life. A spiraled ladder to nowhere.
As she brought the smoldering butt to her hard mouth, one noted the similar textures of her lips and the growing head of ash.
The trembling of the grayscale waste-scape in sharp contrast to the stillness of the lips the cigarette was placed against.
Both surfaces fissured and dry, cracked and hot...the pink as dead as the grey.
Her eyes redirected focus inwards as she took a sharp inhale.
And then, a slow graceful movement of the hand, towards the ashtray. No tap or flick of the finger necessary. After thousands of replays, the movements were almost instinctual. The ash simply collapsing under its own weight, its fragility its undoing. A silent toppling into the pitted, filthy mouth of the waiting ashtray.
The newly revealed ember almost instantly regrowing its cloak of black and white. Then flaring brightly as she inhaled one last time, stripping what little material was left to be consumed of any remaining semblance of its former state...
...turning it as grey, as devoid of life as she would soon be herself.
The ember quashed out, left in the pitted tray. Tossed aside and forgotten.
Its last memory issued from between two tight, thin lips, it spiraled up into the air and disappeared.
User Reviews
Submitted by cerpin_taxt (user info) at 2008-03-07 20:47:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work
its amazing how you can write with such depth about something that takes 3 minutes
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-11-09 16:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-11-06 18:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by showfishorama (user info) at 2006-11-30 17:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The first sentence here was as formulaic as they come:
The (subject) (past tense verb) (predicate).
It's like you were TRYING to create every other work of mediocre fiction ever attempted.
I give up on boilerplate shit like this.
_____________________________________________________
The contents are more important than the package. Now go away.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-06 18:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like the last line.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-27 10:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love scourge yes i do
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-02-18 20:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:31:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
SKRAPPY: i'm trying to sell an old Ford truck. you or any of your pals looking fopr a good deal on an old '75 F100 with a 390 big block in it?
--------
email me a couple pics. skrapmetal.at.ratpackcycles.com
I have enough projects, but I know a guy...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-04 18:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
smoking IS cool
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-02 22:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very cool... even is smoking is not.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-11-30 18:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love pieces that are short, and loaded with imagery.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-30 17:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Longer.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-30 17:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:28:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:37:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only smoke on the weekends now.
Cigarettes, I mean.
Know what's something?
You.
----
i thought you had quit.
===
For the most part, I did. I went through the quitting process and withdrawal and I mostly let go. I don't buy them, I don't smoke during the week. I've made it to a place where I can smoke a few after a few drinks on a weekend, without owning them or buying them or smoking any the day after. My best friend is infinitely patient with me and feeds me smokes (and only on the weekend) so I don't cave and buy them. I haven't bought or owned a pack since June.
Submitted by showfishorama (user info) at 2006-11-30 17:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The first sentence here was as formulaic as they come:
The (subject) (past tense verb) (predicate).
It's like you were TRYING to create every other work of mediocre fiction ever attempted.
I give up on boilerplate shit like this.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:53:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff, as always.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:37:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only smoke on the weekends now.
Cigarettes, I mean.
Know what's something?
You.
----
i thought you had quit.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you know that James Dean is personally responsible for 30% of all current smokers?
I may have made that up, but he did make smoking look cool.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I now desire you, I mean a smoke.
-Dave
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-11-30 16:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*slaps elbow*
*jumps off couch*
*suplex*
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-30 15:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck is Rik?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-30 15:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks Ric Flairs, thanks.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I said you should post more.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some nice imagery.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only smoke on the weekends now.
Cigarettes, I mean.
Know what's something?
You.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SKRAPPY: i'm trying to sell an old Ford truck. you or any of your pals looking fopr a good deal on an old '75 F100 with a 390 big block in it?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace.
Check out yer camwhore in what I'm about to post. :-D
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"its fragility its undoing"
Good stuff right there.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smoking causes cancer, except for pregnant mothers...just f.y.i.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What was the title for it supposed to be?
This has such a "useless" feeling - not that the writing of it was useless, just that the life depicted has passed any ability to contribute or care.
I like the line "the pink as dead as the grey"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the first ten lines or so of this were going to be my UM submission piece, but life got in my way and i never finished it. i found it floating around somewhere in my computer today and pounded the rest of it out of my head.
it's just a little piece of nothing.
i'm having booze for lunch today. it's sleeting here right now. we're supposed to get up to 12 inches of snow over the next day or so.
i like winter.