Cranberry sauce, poured over the carcass of a blind crippled sexual abuse victim-Happy Christmas!! (924 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.16 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GuardianAngel (View user info) at 2006-11-30 14:26:16 EST
This yuletide, what are you going to eat? I, personally, will be indulging in roasted vegetables, with a roasted portion of the leg of a blind crippled sexual assault victim.
Let me explain. In the middle of a lecture on corporate crime, my lecturer brought to our collective attention, the murky world of the Turkey Sexer.
You read it right. Apparently, Bernard Matthews, the world famous Turkey breeder, has been genetically modifiying his turkeys for years, since it was possible to do so. Whilst that may or may not be acceptable to all you individuals out there, thats not the debate here.
The turkeys are genetically souped up to such an extent, that they grow so fat, so fast, they soon find it impossible to walk without great difficulty. And, they are kept in almost total darkness for their whole living existences, so most of them are rendered blind by the light of day the first time they see it-their eyes just cant handle the sudden exposure to bright light. The luckier ones, theyre beginning to be born without functioning eyes.
It gets better, my friends. Imagine your a morbidly obese, blind male turkey.
Enter the Turkey Sexer. Armed with a plastic tube, and their gloved hands, the job of this incredibly brave/cash-strapped/depraved (delete as appropriate, or, hell, just leave all three in there) person, is to sit the turkey on their lap, and administer their best handjob. They then have to suck the recently issued turkey spunk up into a plastic tube device (which we can only hope has a failsafe mechanism to prevent ingestion of the aforementioned ornithological man batter) for storage, and later insemination into an equally blind, crippled female turkey.
Now, before I continue, I must state that Im not giggling like a schoolboy about this-Im a South England man myself, and Ive seen a fair few artificial inseminations in my time spent on the many farms in my home area.
But please, spare a thought for the damn turkey! Its blind, it cant for the life of it imagine why its being kept in a cupboard with hundreds of other seemingly afflicted birds, it cant move without chafing its chubby thighs, and then it gets dragged feet first out into the open, and sexually assaulted by some bloke with a latex glove and a breath powered hoover!
I bet they dont even get a cigarette or a cuddle afterwards, either.
And now, the flip side.
How the hell do you interview people for this job???
If they state that they have previous experience, they are probably not the type of person you would employ, rather than immediately have arrested. Unless their a career Turkey Sexer (and even THAT has its murky aspects to be considered) the only other way to get previous experience is to have a criminal record for beastiality.
'Why do you want this job?'
'WANT it....uh, not really the right word.'
And the ultimate nightmare scenario-
'So, Marilyn has'nt told us what you do for a living Jack?'
'I'm....I'm a Turkey Sexer.'
'Oh...that's interesting. What do you....?'
'I masturbate blind overweight birds and suck the semen up through a tube. Then another guy blows it into a female turkey.'
'Hem.....more tea, dear?'
Further questions raised for discussion by our academic seminar group (IE, the eight of us in the pub afterwards) were:
If a turkey was an absolute STALLION, how long could it last?
What is the pay like for the average Turkey Sexer?
Does a turkey have 'that' face/make any interesting gobbling noises? (Oh god, gobble gobble, the double entendre is far too obvious to inflict)
And the best one:
How similar is a Turkeys appendage to a human one?
Us lads were immediately more interested in finding a propective supermodel who works in the industry to pay her portfolio costs, who could quite possibly deliver the best handjob in the world.
To close this post, I'm going to quote Thomas Love Peacock:
'He was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of him.'
Truer words in this case, were never spoken.
Gobble Gobble.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-30 19:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, 1.5
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-30 19:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. The title kind of sucks though. Makes it sound like this is some preachy, PETA post.
For my money though, you have to have ham for Christmas anyway. That way you know you're not Jewish.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-30 15:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's weird. I just watched a PETA video this morning about the treatment of chickens and turkeys. It's so strange to imagine that some people don't think twice about slaughtering hundreds of thousands of birds each year, while still others don't think twice about protesting the hell out of it. It's the circle of life.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-11-30 14:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll buy a turkey if I don't get to shoot one. Seeing your mother-in-law biting onto a shotgun pellet and breaking a tooth is part of what makes Christmas fun.