Bringing Sexy Back? Not If I Have Anything To Fucking Say About It! (2285 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.97 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2006-12-01 11:07:20 EST
Hey Timberlake! Yeah, I'm talking to you, fruitcup!! We need to talk. See...lately I've been hearing some pretty disturbing rumors. Namely that you are hell bent on bringing Sexy back...........to my New Year's Eve Party.
Well sir, I am here to officially inform you that under no circumstances will Sexy be allowed within 100 yards of my party. Feel free to bring anyone else you like...that fug chick you're dating, that homo Lance Bass...hell, even that big black Timbaland guy who's been following you around lately. They're all welcome at my bash. Just not Sexy.
And before you get started, JT...no, I'm not overacting. I don't care how much you say that he's changed, or that he's turned his life around, or that everyone needs a second chance. HE is the "motherfucker" who "don't know how to act"...not I.
I've given him plenty of leeway in the past. But after the last year's incident, I can no longer tolerate his antics. He's simply not welcome.
Oh, it couldn't have been that bad, you say?? Alright fine, you want to hear the story? Okay...let me set the scene for you.
So there I am, last New Year's Eve. The party's in full swing and everybody's getting real loose. As usual, I was hanging out with Beer Goggles...who, of course decided it would be funny to introduce me to Jenna's fat friend Lisa.
You know Jenna, right? Steve's old girl? Yeah...well anyway, Beer Goggles was in full form that night. As usual, his judgment sucks, but I always wind up taking his word as the gospel anyhow. So, eventually, after some prodding, he has me doing tequila body shots off of Mount St. Lisa.
At first it was kinda gross, because every time I'd lick the salt off her neck, I could taste bacon grease. But as the tequila continued to flow, I eventually started thinking of that Pig In The City movie...so my old friend, "Drunk And Hilarious Only To Myself", starts calling her Babe and asks her to squeal like a naughty little piggy.
And she does. And I think it's actually turning her on. And Beer Goggles, he's almost shitting himself, 'cause let's face it...he sees this hot, sexy little co-ed minx downing shots next to him and he just can't believe she's making piggy sounds. After all, she hot, right? Right???
So, whatever...typical party fare. No harm no foul. And certainly nothing I can't make a full recovery from the next morning when I'm sober. And then it happens...
See, Beer Goggles gets a call from Whiskey Dick...and that motherfucker is driving around, per usual looking for a party to crash. Now, I've known Whiskey Dick for awhile now. He's usually a pretty good dude, but sometimes he gets a little kinky.
He's kind of a slouch, he never really stands up straight, and he's a little too nosey for his own good, tending to poke around in just about any hole he can find. Not to mention, the guy's exhausting...he never stops. He's usually he's up and about for hours on end. The guy never seems to blow his wad...he just keeps going and going and going...
In any event, I usually don't mind when he's around. For the most part he's agreeable and fairly cooperative, and when I ask him to do a job, while it's sloppy and incomplete, he's got stamina. I have to give him that. Not like his good-for-nothing brother, Limp.
But everyone's got that one friend. You know...THAT guy. The one that comes in, acts completely inappropriate and in turn, makes everyone associated with him look bad in the process. See, I can deal with Beer Goggles and Whiskey Dick when they come over. They usually get me into a little trouble from time to time, but nothing I can't handle. It's just that every once in a great while, they'll bring Sexy. And the combination of the three of them is like fucking poison, man!
See, well past midnight, Beer Goggles sees to it that this big girl Lisa is getting to know me and Whiskey Dick real well. Things are heating up and we head up to my bedroom. And who do you think is waiting for us there, Timberlake?
That's right...Sexy. The motherfucker was already in the room. I don't how he got in, but right away he takes the girl away from me and starts seducing her.
I was helpless as he started shouting directions at this plus-sized doll. And you know how he charms all these girls with his Pepe Le Pew speak:
"Oooohhhh...turn over baby...I want to lick that big green apple of yours."
"YOU WHAT?"
"Your ass, baby...let me get a taste 'o that big jellyroll."
"Ummm...well, okay...If you really..."
The poor heifer doesn't even get to finish her sentence, because Sexy flips her over like a muppet, face down into the pillow...and suddenly there I am, going to town. Completely against my will.
So, now I've got my tongue inside this big motherfucking ass...And I'm smothering...I can barely breathe...but I'm probing every dimple while Tons O' Fun squeals in delight...she's loving it. And there's Sexy...watching on like a proud papa.
Next thing I know I'm pushing her large buttocks apart like Moses parting the red Sea while Whiskey Dick...who is no help to me...decides to probe around that puckered starfish of hers.
And She's. Going. Apeshit. She's loving it...
"Oooo...Ooooohhh....yeah baby!! Fuck this little piggy's ass...take this little piggy to market....this little piggy loves roast beef!!"
Of course, I'm completely disgusted, but Sexy, he's having the time of his life. He starts smacking her ass, calling her Bessie, and telling her he's gonna milk her like a dairy cow.
And she's mooing. Like seriously mooing...sick bitch that she is. And whiskey dick is plowing away like an Amish farmer. And me, I just want the bad man to make it stop, but I'm helpless, you see. Sexy has all the control.
And then, just like he always does, the fucker takes it one step too far. See...he's back to calling her a dirty little piggy. And she loves the game. It's like a porno version of Old MacDonald's Farm in my bedroom for chrissakes.
So she's squealing, and Sexy's telling her she's a dirty little piggy, and I'm gagging, and she's agreeing that she's dirty, and he tells her he's gotta get his piggy clean, and she's saying "yeah, yeah, daddy...make your little piggy clean", so he stands up and pisses on her.
Yeah. You heard me Timberlake. He pisses on her. In her cavernous belly button...on her chubby thighs...her arms, her face, her hair. One big golden shower to clean his little piggy off.
Well, apparently, even farm animals have a threshold for degradation. And apparently, urine was it for this one.
Suddenly, a big beefy foot (musta' been size eleventy) flies up and catches Whisky Dick right in his berries. He, and I, immediately go down for the count. And as I lay writhing in pain on the ground, the angry piggy is screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking the shit out of me.
"You sick motherfucker! I can't believe you fucking pissed on me. I'll fucking kill you, you piece of shit!!"
Suddenly, the bedroom door flies open and there stands at least ten of my party guests...and there I am, naked in a bloody heap...while a pasty-white fat girl, stinking of pee, beats the hell out of me.
And Sexy. Well, as you'd guess, that motherfucker was gone! I mean he was NOWHERE to be found. He had obviously snuck out when I wasn't looking.
Needless to say, his little pee-pee antics ruined the whole party. I was absolutely humiliated. I took the fall for that bastard and its cost me every single day since. All the girls around town know me as The Urinator. I can't get a date. It's hell I tell ya.
But...I've decided to get back on that horse. I'm going to have another party this year. I've still got some close friends who have agreed to stop by, and who knows...maybe they'll even bring some cute girls they know. It might be fun.
Either way, I do know one thing...I don't want that motherfucking cocksucker Sexy within a 100 mile radius of me.
So, in short, Justin Timberlake. The answer is no. You may not bring Sexy back. Not now. Not ever. At least not to my party. That motherfucker don't know how to act.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-07 07:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep up the good work.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-28 19:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was fucking sweet. the "fucking" is for added emphasis to the awesome.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97669#2278587
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C'mon... I dare you to prove yer not a bitch.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fairly good
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-04 22:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to be a dick and -2 this. I read it. I liked it. I'm listening to the grateful dead. I could give a fuck less.
Submitted by showfishorama (user info) at 2006-12-04 22:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Badlands
User id: 9090
Registered on or around: 2004-06-01 18:48:20
# Messages posted: 15
# Reviews written: 1386
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 686
# Hits: 25249
Average rating of all messages: 1.90
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wow.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2006-12-04 21:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-03 19:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Still can't believe you pissed on me.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-12-03 18:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! I'd totally Hi-5 you but I don't trust where that hand has been.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-03 18:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 13:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High-larious!
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-12-03 00:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And she's mooing. Like seriously mooing...sick bitch that she is.
//
hell yes
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2006-12-03 00:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have always been my favorite poster :)
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2006-12-02 23:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-02 22:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I HATE that picture.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2006-12-02 22:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am trying to bring leg warmers back. oh they are already...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-02 17:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See...see.....see....I told you he was awesome.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72373
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-12-02 16:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ew
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-02 16:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by kimmccay (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with you on that.
I just wish his intestines
would crawl out his ass, crawl
up around his torso and choke him.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-12-01 22:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Righteous brother.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. God.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
31 flavours of awesome
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-01 16:34:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
a b@w post in the old tradition.
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man this fucking owned.
Submitted by MadameDestrukt (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your ass, baby...let me get a taste 'o that big jellyroll."
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-01 16:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
a b@w post in the old tradition.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-01 15:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-12-01 15:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and telling her he's gonna milk her like a dairy cow.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-01 15:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MOTHERFUCKING FINALLY -- AFTER 22 MONTHS YOU FINALLY BESTOW MORE OF YOUR AWESOMENESS TO OUR SITE.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*swoons*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-01 15:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, so we heard. Shut the fuck up.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-01 14:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Badlands......
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-01 13:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-12-01 13:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The second reading was even better than the first.
Holy SHIT that was funny.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-12-01 13:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Justin: "I'm bringing sexy back."
Clerk: "Do you have your receipt with you?"
(Justin hands over receipt)
Clerk: "Oh, I'm sorry, we have a 30-day limit on returns of that product."
Justin: "You motherfuckers don't know how to act!"
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face -- I got more chicken
bone!
-- Homer Simpson
When Flanders Failed
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:40:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is sooooooo long overdue and you fucking rock my face.
You're so talented.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCK...I haven't even read this yet but I can't believe my eyes......I love you sir.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:44:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Badlands' dick hasn't been sucked since college, other than "metaphorically", from what I understand.
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You heard I got head in college? News to me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badlands' dick hasn't been sucked since college, other than "metaphorically", from what I understand.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was o good I have to +2 it but I don't want to becasue whoever said it is right, Why does everyone suck your dick?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a b@w post in the old tradition.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW
=)
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome, but why does everyone suck your dick?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you have a valid point!
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
creative as hell, but christ, I was eating a hot pocket and bit into the middle as you got to the ass eating part.....UGH
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit...Badlands must have gotten fired.
You can't got wrong with Calvin.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it all but... +2 JT.
Submitted by Yougotthatright (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eye cramp after sentence one. Can't finish it now.