Suicide for Dummies: Chapter 4 - Fooling the Police & Insurance Investigators (2145 hits)
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Submitted by SlowlyRotting (View user info) at 2006-12-01 11:45:23 EST
Chapter 4: Techniques for Insuring Your Dependants are Awarded
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If you do not have any dependants, or you lack any life insurance coverage, you can skip this chapter and go back to chapter two: "Suicide 101". However if you have gotten this far without ending your life, you must have some reservations about committing the ultimate show of personal freedom. We hope that we can help you overcome those reservations, so this chapter will cover ways to perform the death without forfeiting your estate's insurance award.
The three basic rules of a successful fraudulent accidental death:
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1.) The most important thing to remember when planning your ultimate demise is that nobody else can be aware of your intentions. Putting that burden onto anyone could result in a huge clusterfuck to your family & estate once the investigation begins. The police and insurance investigators have ways of making accomplices feel guilty and confess to the scheme. There is also the chance that friends & family might try to convince you not to go through with it, but that's doubtful since they probably hate you anyway.
2.) Make sure to let your loved ones know that you care for them, but you have to be very coy about it. Don't start apologizing for stupid shit you've done, just simply make general statements like "Boy, I sure do love my family." and "My family is really great." If you are even considering writing a note, you are too retarded to successfully kill yourself correctly and should go ahead and just give up.
3.) Don't leave your affairs too tidy. Make sure their are bills left unpaid as well as assets left unclaimed. For example, buying a new car and killing yourself before you make the first payment will be much more suspicious than putting a down payment on a car then killing yourself before you actually take ownership from the dealer. Another smart thing to do might be to order something that only you would have any interest in, paying for it, then blowing yourself away before it ever arrives in the mail.
A few of the more popular methods of camouflaged self-destruction, with helpful tips:
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I.... ) - "An Internal Affair" - Preferred by depressed law enforcement agents across the country.
With this method you use the popular 'gunshot to the face' routine. In order to make it look like an accident, and not an intentional suicide, police officers will take steps to insure it looks like a typical gun cleaning gone wrong. Make sure to have all of the materials needed for basic gun maintenance, including cleaner, oil, brushes, rags, and a polishing sleeve.
It's no coincidence that the most popular firearm used by police agencies in the U.S., the Glock semi-automatic, is also the most difficult of all handguns to use for this method. This is because the Glock is naturally designed to prevent discharge in the event that a magazine is not inserted. However this can be circumvented with a little rigging, or even easier, by making it appear that the gun had already been cleaned and was being re-loaded.
First, be sure and employ your distractions such as:
a) Leaving a few unopened beers in an ice filled cooler next to you. (Having a few beers will also add to the illusion that perhaps this was all an accident caused by damaged judgement)
b) Heating up a Hot Pocket (tm) or other microwaveable snack, but leaving it in the microwave after cooking is complete. (Make sure not to turn the buzzer off when the timer goes off)
c) Circling a few interesting television programs in a TV Guide which will be airing at a time when you'll already have completed your suicide, and leaving the guide open so that it appears you were planning on watching those shows.
Once you are confident that your decoys have been successfully planted, insert a single round into the magazine and engage it. Pull the slide back to load the round into the firing chamber. In your off hand, grip either a scrubbing brush or a polishing rag. In your favored hand, wield the weapon at least two (2) feet from your body, aim the gun towards either your mouth or your nose, and then use your thumb to fire. If your plan is successful, it will appear that you emptied the magazine but forgot to take the round out of the chamber. While attempting to clean the barrel (or polish the muzzle), the gun fired and you were mortally wounded.
II.... ) - "The AAA Discount" - Most effective if you drive an early model vehicle that lacks airbags.
You'll want to employ this method while on your way to something you enjoy doing. Heading to work might not be as effective as, say, going to the country club for a round of golf. As in most other methods provided in this guide, the use of alcohol is encouraged, however in this case you must take extreme caution not to endanger innocent bystanders.
Off-ramps on lifted highways make good locations for this method, as well as bridges with low guardrails, abrupt exits with concrete barriers and without water-filled safety barrels, and as a last resort, roads built close to large trees or other structures.
As always, make sure a few decoys are in place, such as maybe a packed lunch, groceries and/or other perishable items in your vehicle. An appointment scheduled later in the day for either a haircut or a massage is a smart idea, or even better, a hot date with a fire-snatched co-worker. Perhaps the most important detail of all could be to make sure there is some distraction in the front seat of the vehicle with you, such as something rolling around the floorboard, or a timer going off in a loaded briefcase or purse. Another idea would be a pornographic movie playing on a small LCD screen visible to you, the driver. (Pulling your member out of your pants and letting it breathe adds to the effect when the fire department manages to pull your body out of the wreckage)
Pick a time of day and a location with not a whole lot of traffic, to both reduce the risk of injury to third parties, as well as to increase the time before your "accident" is noticed and responded to by paramedics. Accelerate your vehicle to a high enough speed that you can apply your brakes and cause skid-marks but still maintain an impact speed above a lethal amount. (In most cases, as slow as thirty (30) miles per hour can be fatal, but to be cautious, make it no less than fifty (50) miles per hour) If you've done everything right, the head-on collision with either a permanent object, or with the ground in the event of an airborne launch, will appear to be a result of the distraction you cleverly employed.
III.... ) - "Mississippi Justice" - A more barbaric method, this may be one of the least suspicious acts, especially if you are of African-American descent
Using this method, you must be sure to have a specific reason for your being in a tree. Reasons can be for seasonal branch trimming, building a tree house for junior, or maybe participating in McFly-brand bird watching. Whichever story you are aiming for be sure to have the necessary accessories in the tree with you, in addition to performing the necessary decoy actions as mentioned in the methods above.
What you'll need to do with this method is create a makeshift safety harness. Material that will not stretch much, such as thick stranded rope, must be utilized for this scenario to work. Make sure to tie one end of your 'harness' to a very sturdy branch, high enough to prevent any possible impact with the ground when the inevitable "fall" occurs.
Once the harness is secured to the tree, create a large loop at the other end and tie it around your waist. Go about whatever activity you are imitating and, if possible, make sure your performance is witnessed. When you are ready, get out of the view of any potential witnesses, and slide the loop currently around your waist up and over one arm, leaving only your neck and other arm still inside of the loop. At this point, tighten the loop around your neck and armpit, so that your jawbone prevents any possible slip out of the loop. Once you are securely tied into position, jump down. The harness should provide sufficient pressure to block blood flow to your brain, causing you to black out and go to sleep. As long as you are not discovered and responded to by paramedics within about a half-hour, you should have suffered sufficient brain damage so as not to be revive-able.
IV.... ) - "Kramer's Last Stand" - The least recommended of all methods, however very creative
The key to performing this method correctly is to be 100% believable in your act. You MUST not appear to be psychologically unstable, or your plan may backfire.
First, perform your normal decoy actions as mentioned in the other methods. Once you are satisfied with your subterfuge, dress yourself in typical redneck garb, such as Wrangler jeans, faux-reptile skinned cowboy boots, and a plaid sleeveless shirt. Don't forget the trucker's cap!
Drive yourself to the nearest housing development dominated by an ethnic minority. (A GREAT addition to this scheme is your arrival in a full-sized Ford or Chevy pickup truck with Dixie flags and bumper stickers to the effect of "If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have picked my OWN damn cotton!)
Find a gathering of whichever minority you are aiming for in your particular case. You should have no trouble identifying the more-likely armed groups by unnatural bulges in their already baggy pants. Approach the group and ask an innocent question, such as directions to some nearby place. Try to make casual conversation, being sure to mention something that implies you have either a large amount of money or very valuable goods in your presence.
As you walk back towards your vehicle, say a few ethnic slurs under your breath, but loud enough for your targets to hear. "Stupid fucking niggers" or "Greasy Mexican bitches" should do. If they do not respond to your remarks, make sure to give them the finger and add something to the effect of "I should shoot you faggots right here." Hopefully this will be enough to provoke them to violence, however you may need to get creative.
Unless you are dealing with young gang-bangers with something to prove, you are more likely than not to simply receive a good ass whooping and nothing that could cause you to perish. This is where you must be skillful. You have to make them believe that if they don't kill you, you are going to come back and kill them.
You may have to try this method out a few times before you find success. Unfortunately, this is more of a crapshoot method so it is not recommended except for in extreme circumstances.
There are a few more methods to be covered, such as "The Invisible Gypsy" and "Lance Bass' Revenge", however they are more difficult to pull off without being obviously self-inflicting, so those will be covered in the fifth chapter of this guide, titled "Advanced Techniques for the Gifted Illusionist".
Please feel free to distribute this guide to anyone whom you'd like to see benefit from this information.
User Reviews
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:17:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice piece, but this:
"This is because the Glock is naturally designed to prevent discharge in the event that a magazine is not inserted"
is fundamentally wrong.
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I would be interested to hear your explanation for this, seeing as though I spent 10 weeks at police academy with a Glock armorer and used/certified exclusively on that weapon for 3 years.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always remember that you're representing our country. I guess what I'm
saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
-- Homer Simpson
The Crepes of Wrath
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice piece, but this:
"This is because the Glock is naturally designed to prevent discharge in the event that a magazine is not inserted"
is fundamentally wrong.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-01 16:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a list of people who I think should read these posts.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-12-01 13:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-01 13:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Only a couple critiques-
"Once you are confident that your decoys have been successfully planted, insert a single round into the magazine and engage it. Pull the slide back to load the round into the firing chamber. In your off hand, grip either a scrubbing brush or a polishing rag."
You should probably have included an "eject the magazine step" in here. Common sense I know, but this is supposed to be a "for dummies" guide here.
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you're right. i meant to write 2 sets of instructions, but i only wrote the one for the factory assembled Glock. i applaud and bow before your attention to detail.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-01 12:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only a couple critiques-
"Once you are confident that your decoys have been successfully planted, insert a single round into the magazine and engage it. Pull the slide back to load the round into the firing chamber. In your off hand, grip either a scrubbing brush or a polishing rag."
You should probably have included an "eject the magazine step" in here. Common sense I know, but this is supposed to be a "for dummies" guide here.
"First, perform your normal decoy actions as mentioned in the other methods. Once you are satisfied with your subterfuge, dress yourself in typical redneck garb, such as Wrangler jeans, faux-reptile skinned cowboy boots, and a plaid sleeveless shirt. Don't forget the trucker's cap! "
I say leave the sleeves on, otherwise you'd be mistaken for an inbred homosexual.
Otherwise, this was pretty funny.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Kramer's Last Stand" did it for me.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-01 11:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment