The Secret Uber Wars - pt 1 (1785 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberAssemble
Rating: 1.89 on 80 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2006-12-01 17:48:05 EST
"Commander. Commander Rad? Please, you must get up."
Commander Rad, former prison guard at the Super Villain Gulag and current leader of the Ubermen, struggled to open his eyes. His body ached everywhere and his skull seemed filled with white noise. He could hear a soft, feminine voice calling to him, but it sounded very far away. Groaning, he shifted and realized he was lying on a cold, hard floor. A feeble hand came up and rested on his familiar body armor. Where was he and what...
Then it all came rushing back to him.
Method killing off all of the heroes around the world almost simultaneously as his clone of Urbane Mischief had attacked the Compound with an army of Alters. So many UberMen had died, both then and when they had returned with Istaros and the great warrior Bickerstaff. The war machine, Orgasmatron, had turned on them just as Method had made a final surge at the Compound to defeat Professor Bart-Bart. Bart. The last thing Rad remembered was following Method into the Professor's study and...
Commander Rad's eyes flew open at the memory and his hand instinctively drew one of his many guns. He found himself on his back in a stone hallway, his weapon pointed at the demi-godess who called herself "Firefly." She stood there, only a few feet away, dressed in robes of pale hues and covered in a dull, shimmering light.
A slight smile played on her lips as she said, "A greetings, Commander Rad."
Rad swore as he dropped the gun. Not only would it have done little good against someone of Divine origin such as his present company, but Firefly had always proved to be an ally. Granted, a distant and usually cryptic one, but still a friend.
"Firefly," sighed Rad, "What's going on? Where am I?"
"What do you remember of your last moments, Commander?"
"I had leaped after Method into Bart's study, only to find a white nothingness. Method was shortly thereafter torn apart by his own Alters. The Professor and I... wait. My last moments? Am I... am I dead then? Was what Bart said actually true?"
"Come, let us walk for a bit," replied Firefly, not caring to answer his line of questioning.
Rad would have tried to force a more direct response out of anyone else, but against the demi-godess, he was virtually powerless. He dragged himself to his feet and limped after Firefly as she glided down the hall. As he caught up to her, he checked all his armor and weaponry. Strangely, everything was intact, including the pulse cannon he had given to Axolotl just before he had followed Method. Axolotl was probably now as dead as the rest of his troops.
"Firefly, I really need some answers here," tried Rad again.
"The being you knew as 'Professor Bart-Bart' is one of the elder gods who sought to experiment with creation. He formed a universe, one we shall call the 'Uberverse,' to see if more advanced humans, proto-sapiens if you will, would be a correct move in evolution. Ultimately, he decided against it, and destroyed everything in that reality."
"So it... it all really was true," mused Rad.
"To an extant," said Firefly. "Some of us, such as myself and my partner Razor, are beings who live outside of the structures of any basic universe. Together with Saxon, Nath, FTW and a few of the other semi-divine, we were able to call for Bart's impeachment due to the act. We feel it was... rash."
"He destroyed my whole world!" yelled Rad. "And all you can say is that it was 'rash?' My men deserved better than that! All those citizens that were innocent that he just wiped out, they did nothing to him!"
"You must remember, Commander," spoke Firefly gently, "You, your UberMen and all of those citizens were nothing but constructs of Bart's mind."
Rad fumed, but said nothing.
"In any case," continued Firefly, "Bart was petitioned to explain why his experiment had failed in his eyes. He decided the best course of action was to have a demonstration. He resurrected forty chosen meta-humans, both heroes and villains, and has placed them in this vast lair of mazes. He is offering a prize to the winner of this contest - survival. Bart believes that the elder gods will witness this display from their home in The Above and feel compelled to side with him."
"My UberMen and the other heroes won't slaughter each other just for a possible chance at survival," said Rad.
"Perhaps, but the so-called 'villains' will not hesitate. I believe Bart is counting on their behavior."
Rad sighed. "So I'm one of the forty chosen and we're all scattered throughout this place like lab rats?"
"Well..." spoke Firefly slowly.
"Oh, for fuck's sake! What?"
"You had entered Bart's pocket dimension and learned his secret. He would not have risked bringing you back. Your involvement in this is my doing. You are one of the demi-gods secret weapons in this affair. We believe that Bart has taken a certain amount of mortality to watch over his game from here in the complex. You can not be detected by his sensors. As much as it may pain you, you must try and avoid your former comrades, for they will be monitored. Your mission Rad, is to assassinate Bart."
Rad stood there and thought over everything that Firefly had just told him.
Finally, he said, "I have a few questions. Why don't you and the other semi-divine kill him?"
"We are not allowed. The consequences for us to act directly would be most dire."
"Second, " said Rad, "If I do kill Bart, what happens then?"
"There is a clause in the petition that we snuck in that says that if Bart is terminated by any of his own creations, your reality will be reborn."
Rad considered the ramifications of this for a moment.
"Third, you said ONE of our secret weapons. What are the others?"
"Yes..." replied Firefly, trailing off.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tiger Lily tried again. Nothing. Her movements were severely limited. If was as if from the neck down she was almost paralyzed. She could move her head, however, and from her position she could see at least a few dozen people assembled. A collection of some of the greatest heroes and villains had been gathered, some of those present giving her chills. Big Mike stood only feet away from her, Big Mike who she knew had died in Urbane's assault on the Compound. Of course, as far as Tiger Lily could remember, she had died beneath the giant robot Orgasmatron, detonating her fusion powered leg to save the others.
She glanced over at the person closet to her and called out their name. "Ghola. Ghola, can you hear me!"
The petite ninja didn't respond, but instead was glaring in another direction. Tiger Lily did her best to see what had captured her team mates attention, and wasn't surprised to see the rogue ninja Sacrilicious staring daggers back at her former wife. Tiger Lily sighed, then heard a cough to her right.
Average Dan stood there in his suit of unstable molecules, his bald head gleaming.
"Dan, are you okay? Last I heard, you..."
"Last I remember, Circe turned me into a sex toy, yeah," grinned the hero. "It would seem I got better."
"Shit hon, last I remember was being vaporized."
"Ouch," replied Dan.
Tiger Lily managed to glance down. "Dan, can you use your powers to absorb the properties of the stone floor?"
"Nope, already tried."
"Whatever is holding us in stasis is nullifying all of our powers as well," came a voice from behind Tiger Lily.
"Who is that?" asked the fusion powered cyborg, unable to turn far enough.
"Inion De Trua," came the reply.
Tiger Lily frowned. Inion was an enigma, a sorceress who mainly kept to herself, neither a hero or villain. An interesting mix of characters, indeed.
"I've tried summoning various creatures to help me, but nothing has appeared. I don't even feel the magick imbued in the ancient words when I speak them," Inion said.
Just then, a maniacal cackle roared out off to her left, swiftly followed by a slew of swear-ridden threats. Tiger Lily was just able to make out the madman Habeeb, who was consumed by bouts of laughter in between taking aim, and spitting on the Hate Monger known as Sphagnum. A strange, floating robot was visible behind them, shaking it's head. It almost looked like a giant brain was contained inside. Could that be The McCallum? The massive, A.I. super computer that Urbane had destroyed in her attack?
Before she could get a better look, a voice rang out from above her.
"Welcome everyone!"
All those present turned to look ahead on the balcony. Three people stepped out of the shadows. A tattooed man in monk's robes, a small but attractive young woman, and a relatively plain-looking man, whose appearance seemed to keep changing. Although the female was unknown to her, Tiger Lily instantly recognized the two men - The ultimate warrior Bickerstaff and his speaker, Istaros!
"For those of you who do not know me, my name is Istaros. I am the mouthpiece for the being beside me, the man you most commonly have called 'Bickerstaff.' My other associate is Ms. Susie Derkins."
A murmur spilled out from the immobile crowd. Bickerstaff was the thing of legend, and to see him in the flesh was quite a moment. Only a few of those assembled had met him before, either in the final battle beside him or fallen before his might.
"That's wonderful, Mr. Monk-man," cried out a voice from the back, that Tiger Lily thought suspiciously sounded like The Cyst Master. "Now how about you tell us why the flying fuck we're here? I have quadriplegics to drug and sick my dick into."
Roars of protest went up, but Istaros held out a hand for quiet. "Yes, I understand you all have questions. It's all quite simple. You have all been specially chosen for your unique attributes. Transported here to this fortress, a place that exists outside the space-time continuum, so that you may do battle with one another."
More voices were raised in protest and complaint, but Istaros continued. "Forty of you have been assembled, and you will be shifted throughout this complex. When you discover each other, the fights will begin. Make alliances if you feel that will aid you, but in the end, there can be only one victor. Bickerstaff will see to that."
"Why the hell should we bother?" called out psionic death-dealer, Stagger Lee.
"Because if you don't, you die. If you battle, you may live. The winner not only will survive, but will be granted with powers beyond their dreams. Oh, and do not think to try and cheat in any way. Ms. Derkins here has the ability to manipulate all electrical information. She will be watching your progress."
"Why, Istaros? Why are you doing all of this?" asked the shape-shifter Munkypants.
The monk looked genuinely hurt. "Why, the three of us have no desire to see any of you harmed. We are only playing our own roles in this game. Professor Bart-Bart is behind all of this."
Gasps of shock and curses of outrage flared up, but the boy genius Axolotl managed to yell over it, "But still, WHY?"
"It doesn't matter anymore," sighed Istaros. "You will all be teleported to the ends of this fortress and you will all do as you see fit. Battle and you may live yet."
Istaros reached down for the controls before him on the balcony. "Let Bart's UberMadness begin!"
And with that, those forty heroes and villains vanished...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Tell me, Firefly," said Rad.
"You must understand the position we were in, Commander," tried Firefly.
"What's are the other secret weapons?"
"Only one other," sighed Firefly.
"And it is?" asked Rad, growing suspicious.
"He has the cunning and power to accomplish the task where you might fail, you must know that for yourself with little question," said Firefly.
"WHO?" growled Commander Rad.
"My mate, Razor, is briefing him elsewhere in the complex," said Firefly quietly. "The King of Alters is our other hope in defeating Bart, the only other individual you may make contact with. In this endeavor, your only help is Method."
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
Professor Bart-Bart - Deity and creator of the Uberverse
Susie Derkins - Assistant to Bart and ability to psionically map information
Bickerstaff - The ultimate weapon of mankind
Istaros - Martial artist monk and speaker for Bickerstaff
___________________________________________
Razor - Demi-god with own agenda, brought back Method
Firefly - Demi-godess in union with Razor, brought back Rad
Commander Rad - Leader of the UberMen with enhanced senses
Method - KIng of alters who can call up shadow army
___________________________________________
01 - Tiger Lily - Nuclear fusion powered leg, energy manipulation
02 - Ghola - Petite ninja warrior, immune to psionics
03 - TTOM - Simian professor, enhanced intelligence, agility and strength
04 - Caulaincourt - Quebec Quartermaster, can mimic any fighting style
05 - McCallum - Mutant Brain powered cyborg, flight, energy manipulation, calculations
06 - Munkypants - Magical animal shape-shifter due to clothing from fairy kingdom
07 - Scourge - Assassin of the seas, morphing hook hand, sniper
08 - Forensic Girl - Scientific mercenary, analytical bionic arm
09 - Big Mike - Hero of the past, immense strength, limited flight
10 - Apollo - Pyrokenetic manipulation and flight
11 - Axolotl - Super boy genius, marksman, limited invulnerability
12 - Brdn Nkd - Alien species with teleportation abilities
13 - Sacrilicious - Ninja trained with power to psionically induce plague
14 - ETS - Survivalist with ability to create panic and paranoia
15 - Strwbry Fanatic - Scientist with psionic control over vegetation
16 - Orgasmatron - Robot war machine, scaled down to humanoid size
17 - Crystle - Empathic sensitive, emotion control
18 - Average Dan - Ability to change his body into other substances
19 - Merlina - Occult sorceress with various spell casting powers
20 - Lisa - Princess of Cuntslavia, mind control
21 - Sicosemen - Manipulation of body mass and density
22 - Shlongy - Crime lord, now with cybernetic gun
23 - Indoninja - USA security agent, trained in martial arts
24 - Darko - Avatar of death, ability to weaken souls
25 - Stagger Lee - Ability to psionically tweak the pain synapse of his opponent
26 - Snark - Alien with ability to turn bio-electric energy into physical matter
27 - JMG - Hybrid deity with strength, flight and limited invulnerability
28 - Inion De Trua - Occult sorceress with summoning abilities
29 - Habeeb - Psychotic with mutated physiology, can appear as others for short time
30 - The Cyst Master - Damaged advanced psionic enhancements
31 - Hadley - Genetically created super human, with psionic blocks and invulnerability
32 - Hourman - Has ability to see one minute into future at all times
33 - Mockidol - Trained marksman, weapons' master and drunk
34 - Sphagnum - Hate Monger, cause discord and master's all blades
35 - Captain Thorns - Super speed, flight, strength and limited invulnerability
36 - My Tee One - Super strength, limited flight and limited invulnerability
37 - Coley - Magical ability to transform into giant Orc
38 - Anansie - Trained warrior with slight projectile telekinetic
39 - Davros - Multi-applicable telepath, astral projection
40 - Johnny X - Can steal other's powers in close proximity
LET THE BODY COUNT BEGIN!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-16 22:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-05-08 23:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-07 08:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. Great job.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-06 20:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-12-04 20:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who hoo! I was mentioned!!
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-12-04 19:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. As a self-admitted comicbook aficionado, I applaud you. Well done.
Submitted by Harbinger (user info) at 2006-12-04 17:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ALTER, FOR THAT MATTER?
Submitted by Harbinger (user info) at 2006-12-04 17:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK IS A "KING OF ALTERS?"
SERIOUSLY??
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The short list of things that are interesting about this:
1) You writing it.
2) Method.
3) A description of Cuntslavia.
4) Tigerlilly.
5) Sicosemen's strange ability.
6) Reading Orgasmatron/Ghola/Sacrilicious/Scourge's reviews.
Other than that, I have 40 other reasons to completely ignore it. Even if I was in it, most of the characters would bore the shit out of me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-04 11:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-12-04 10:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:22:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay...
The 48 characters listed are it. They're the players in this series. ONLY the 48 listed.
Now, someone might get mentioned in passing as Saxon, Nath and FTW did... but that's it.
The first series had over 100 characters show up in it, and it was cumbersome to plot out.
These individuals were all chosen for various reasons, all falling into a number of set criteria.
Let's examine some who didn't make the cut and WHY...
Fool Proof - You had a role in the first series where I wrote you as a 1st class weapons developer. While you may very well play a pivotal role in future series, you really didn't fit in a battle royal.
------------
Fair 'nuff.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
23 - Indoninja - USA security agent, trained in martial arts
---------------------------
I thought we were going to be something different in Uber wars?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!!!
Back from the dead!
Now, perhaps you'll let me live a little longer this time? :-/
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-12-04 06:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-03 09:48:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:11:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-04 06:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I'm gonna be so stoked for the next minute.....sweet
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-03 22:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-03 20:42:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
telekenetically.
it wouldn't be any fun to read a story about a telekenetic who just went around being a slut and never used her powers. ""
holy shit!
rad was funny.
the last time he was funny was about 4 months ago.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-03 21:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-03 20:42:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
telekenetically.
it wouldn't be any fun to read a story about a telekenetic who just went around being a slut and never used her powers.
===
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-03 20:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
telekenetically.
it wouldn't be any fun to read a story about a telekenetic who just went around being a slut and never used her powers.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-03 20:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna hear a story about a telekinetic who can manipulate other people's genitals to the point of orgasm.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
03 - TTOM - Simian professor, enhanced intelligence, agility and strength
-----------------
I'm Beast, curse you! BEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! *falls to knees, shakes fists at uncaring sky*
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat. I wasn't in the other one. How did you know I've always wanted to be a telekinetic? My friends and I have been writing a comic. We each created a character, and mine is telekinetic and very bitchy.
Can I be evil?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME.
It's like Battle Royale, but uberer.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-03 09:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:11:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-03 08:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this gives me such a woody
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-02 17:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a feeling that when all is said and done, I'll die by the hands of Method or one of his alters.
I'm flattered to be included. You doing any more drawings of characters??
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-12-02 15:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH COME ON!!!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-12-02 05:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell Yeah.
I wonder if I will last a little longer this time.
Probably not.
But Hell Yeah anyhoo.
-Dave
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-02 04:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Lisa should have a character, a major character who is a good guy.
you know, test the bounds of your creativity.
CHALLANGE
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-12-02 03:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
saved by the bell
really pathetic that i knew that
musta been in icu or som'n
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-02 03:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hold on....
i'm a second rate character after method and rad?????
SURELY SOME MISTAKE????
I AM MORE UBRE ELITE THAN THOSE N000000000BS!!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-02 03:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder what "weaken souls" means.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-12-02 02:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is this a private party, or can bears play?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-02 00:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm gonna open myself up a flea market. I'm gonna open myself up a flea market, and you're gonna wish that you did. Might retire on the profits. First off, I'm gonna empty out all of my Mrs. Butterworth jars and I'm gonna put them on a shelf with my 800-dollar-a-month tax-free Century 21 shop. And then I am going to put my Mrs. Butterworth syrup jars on the shelf, next to all the commemorative fast food chain glasses and cups I've accumulated over the past 62 years. Then I'm going to get some plywood. I'm going to get some plywood and cut them up into two by two piece squares. Then I'm going to get some burlap and I'm going to cut them into two by two piece squares, and then I'm going to put them onto the pieces of plywood. And then I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach and I'm gonna collect some shells and driftwood, and then I'm gonna take the shells and driftwood and glue them onto the plywood and burlap and sell 'em for lots of money. People will be paying top dollar for my kids new... used... new toys and clothing. Then maybe someday I can get rid of that piss-stained mattress I've been sleeping on."
"I'm gonna open myself up a flea market. I'm gonna open myself up a flea market, and you're gonna wish that you did. Might retire on the profits. First off, I'm gonna empty out all of my Mrs. Butterworth jars and I'm gonna put them on a shelf with my 800-dollar-a-month tax-free Century 21 shop. And then I am going to put my Mrs. Butterworth syrup jars on the shelf, next to all the commemorative fast food chain glasses and cups I've accumulated over the past 62 years. Then I'm going to get some plywood. I'm going to get some plywood and cut them up into two by two piece squares. Then I'm going to get some burlap and I'm going to cut them into two by two piece squares, and then I'm going to put them onto the pieces of plywood. And then I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach and I'm gonna collect some shells and driftwood, and then I'm gonna take the shells and driftwood and glue them onto the plywood and burlap and sell 'em for lots of money. People will be paying top dollar for my kids new... used... new toys and clothing. Then maybe someday I can get rid of that piss-stained mattress I've been sleeping on."
"I'm gonna open myself up a flea market. I'm gonna open myself up a flea market, and you're gonna wish that you did. Might retire on the profits. First off, I'm gonna empty out all of my Mrs. Butterworth jars and I'm gonna put them on a shelf with my 800-dollar-a-month tax-free Century 21 shop. And then I am going to put my Mrs. Butterworth syrup jars on the shelf, next to all the commemorative fast food chain glasses and cups I've accumulated over the past 62 years. Then I'm going to get some plywood. I'm going to get some plywood and cut them up into two by two piece squares. Then I'm going to get some burlap and I'm going to cut them into two by two piece squares, and then I'm going to put them onto the pieces of plywood. And then I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach and I'm gonna collect some shells and driftwood, and then I'm gonna take the shells and driftwood and glue them onto the plywood and burlap and sell 'em for lots of money. People will be paying top dollar for my kids new... used... new toys and clothing. Then maybe someday I can get rid of that piss-stained mattress I've been sleeping on."
"I'm gonna open myself up a flea market. I'm gonna open myself up a flea market, and you're gonna wish that you did. Might retire on the profits. First off, I'm gonna empty out all of my Mrs. Butterworth jars and I'm gonna put them on a shelf with my 800-dollar-a-month tax-free Century 21 shop. And then I am going to put my Mrs. Butterworth syrup jars on the shelf, next to all the commemorative fast food chain glasses and cups I've accumulated over the past 62 years. Then I'm going to get some plywood. I'm going to get some plywood and cut them up into two by two piece squares. Then I'm going to get some burlap and I'm going to cut them into two by two piece squares, and then I'm going to put them onto the pieces of plywood. And then I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach and I'm gonna collect some shells and driftwood, and then I'm gonna take the shells and driftwood and glue them onto the plywood and burlap and sell 'em for lots of money. People will be paying top dollar for my kids new... used... new toys and clothing. Then maybe someday I can get rid of that piss-stained mattress I've been sleeping on."
FUCK
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-02 00:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rob Berg... you almost had Susie Derkins' part.
---
Really?
SWEET!
Thanks eh. I'm very flattered to have even been considered - although in all fairness my psionic skills are pretty weak. (I'll totally practice up for next time though.)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-01 23:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:11:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am excited to read these. I really wish Uber allowed you to subscribe to certain users.
-----
RSS feed in the posts.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-01 23:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes my testicles tingle, although that might just be the cold air coming through the window and coursing up my boxers. Ahh...sack shriveling up...cool.
I heartily approve this post.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-01 23:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:31:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
why doesnt anybody on this site have a life
================
whatever you say, dustin diamond.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-01 22:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:05:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SO HARD RIGHT NOW, I HAVE TO GO FUCK MY COUCH CUSHIONS
---------------
Jaysis!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-01 22:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:05:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SO HARD RIGHT NOW, I HAVE TO GO FUCK MY COUCH CUSHIONS
--
Reason #1 why you should never fall asleep on Method's couch.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a little clunky and nowhere near as good as you can write, in my opinion.
More of a 0, but I'm +2ing this since you're obviously trying to be nice and include as many people as possible.
If you wrote this as a graphic novel for people who had no prior knowledge of ubersite, I think you would be surprised how much better it would turn out and still please your uber-fans. Might even be marketable.
I'm assuming your desire is to be published, and suggest this only because I believe a serious aspirant should steer all efforts towards that end because it is so goddamn difficult these days.
A place like ubersite can be very good for beginning writers, with its primitive rewards system encouraging regular production, but it may become a hindrance for those more serious and experienced if they succumb to writing for this community, as opposed to developing their work in a manner which increases its salability.
Just my opinion, and its expression is not meant to convey you haven't already considered same.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that you're writing this, instead of other things, makes me happy.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you chipolatte, I saw the rating change from +2 and thought I got my ratings back :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope I finally get to kill someone.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why doesnt anybody on this site have a life
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:16:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Also jsut a suggestion for any future series of this, you might want to play with pH and gascs, it could possibly add some interesting twists into any future storylines you may think of.
Just an idea.
***********
Whachoo sayin, applesaucebreath? You want him to post on PussHead instead? Huh????
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also jsut a suggestion for any future series of this, you might want to play with pH and gascs, it could possibly add some interesting twists into any future storylines you may think of.
Just an idea.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am excited to read these. I really wish Uber allowed you to subscribe to certain users.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-01 21:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you add maltese into this I will lose all respect for you as a person.
And then proceed to slit my wrists, and you don't want that do ya kaos?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't make one of these lists because I have given Brian shit about grammar
and spelling. It's hard being a Nazi...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT! another fucking list I didn't make... *tear*
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay...
The 48 characters listed are it. They're the players in this series. ONLY the 48 listed.
Now, someone might get mentioned in passing as Saxon, Nath and FTW did... but that's it.
The first series had over 100 characters show up in it, and it was cumbersome to plot out.
These individuals were all chosen for various reasons, all falling into a number of set criteria.
Let's examine some who didn't make the cut and WHY...
Rob Berg - I think you're a really cool guy, and you almost had Susie Derkins' part. However, with some adavanced plotting, I chose to go with a female in that role. It was between you two for various reason, mostly because of your simple user names.
Fool Proof - You had a role in the first series where I wrote you as a 1st class weapons developer. While you may very well play a pivotal role in future series, you really didn't fit in a battle royal.
Maltese - I'll be honest, I don't know much about you other than you're young and a number of other personal family details. Nothing that lends itself to character development, besides a name that has association to a falcon.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:05:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SO HARD RIGHT NOW, I HAVE TO GO FUCK MY COUCH CUSHIONS
---
again.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:03:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMike...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86615#1936557
AHEM!
I said this before and I'll say it again.
I love Crystle.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-01 20:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SO HARD RIGHT NOW, I HAVE TO GO FUCK MY COUCH CUSHIONS
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where does one sign up to be an extra?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All my bitching and moaning pays off. Can I carry a bo with phallic images on the end?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is gonna be good... motherfuckers
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I'm not in Part 2, you're going to be -2'd into oblivion. To quote the guard from the Shawshank Redemption:
"One step out of line and I'll gouge your fucking eyes out with my thumb! I shit you not, DuFresne, you'll be in the fucking infirmary by the time I'm done with you!"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:10:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice, i have a feeling i'll be sticking around a little longer in this one.
also: 20 - Lisa - Princess of Cuntslavia, mind control
hahaha. i love Lisa though.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Average Dan stood there in his suit of unstable molecules, his bald head gleaming.
===
I love this sentence so much.
So, so much.
Now lemme get to plaguein' bitches, rogue style. YA.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-01 19:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMike...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86615#1936557
AHEM!
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your fucking clique. Where am I huh?
Everything you ever wanted to know about ih8u2man
User id: 20574
Registered on or around: 2005-07-15 20:09:16
# Messages posted: 188
# Reviews written: 1995
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 2762
# Hits: 137796
Average rating of all messages: 0.72
bitch.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just another series where I'm going to die.
I'm never the hero.
Damn.
Nicely done anyway though kaos.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for another series
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius.
I especially love the fact that JonnyX's super power is "to suck".
That is extra delightful.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:17:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like I get to watch everybody die again...
------------------------------------
I almost feel like I enjoy doing that too much.
Almost.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell, man? No love?
Fuck me then?
Good stuff anyways...could be better with a little Foolproof.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yessss, i slide in under the wire at number 40!
I would have guessed you would have given me some type of pheromone-type weapon - lingerie-wearing isn't much of a super ability. I do like the 'steal power' ability though - somethin tells me that will keep me alive a little longer this time...
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO! The only thing to do now is watch people die and then go through their clothes for loose money... and maybe cop a feel or two naturally.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like I get to watch everybody die again...
<grabs popcorn and pulls up a seat>
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH!!!!!
(haven't read yet... at work still!)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nanoo nanoo <----------- Intergalactic alien threat.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read this yet, but I know it's going to rock me so hard my balls are going to grow back all the hair I clipped off of them the other day. Just wanted to get this +2 in before I left work for the day.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw the magic word...you know what that means.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF Stagger is YOUNGER THAN ME