Stupidity + Trees (1938 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: craphumour
Rating: 1.78 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-12-02 07:54:22 EST
In retrospect, there may have been a better way to take out a broken light bulb.
(If Retrospect was an actual town, how awesome would it be to live there? All the sensible, logical things happen in Retrospect. "In Retrospect, we wouldn't have poisoned the water supply for five towns to see if it worked." "In Retrospect I wouldn't have stabbed my husband in a jealous rage." Retrospect must be a lovely place.)
In retrospect I should have taken a pair of pliars or something and carefully gripped the centre of the shattered lamp... rather than reaching in with my fingers to grab it and unscrew it. The problem with doing something like that - apart from the blatantly fucking obvious - is that then you can't stop. It's one thing to start the job with pliars - that's sensible. It's another altogether to gash open three fingers and THEN get a pair of pliars. That's just stupid. That's saying to the world "I'm a fucking idiot, and a pussy." Carrying on regardless while blood runs down your arm, on the other hand, is saying "I may be a fucking idiot, but check out the balls on me!"
In Retrospect, seat of reason, haven of the logical, I wouldn't be sitting here with tape on five fingers trying to figure out how to use a lighter without the advantage of having opposable thumbs.
Speaking of stupid...
I was at a four way intersection last week. It didn't have those handy arrow lights that tell the turning lanes when to go. I hate anything that relies on me to use my own best judgement. I'm waiting to turn across the intersection and suddenly, blessedly, there's a gap in the traffic... so I go to make my turn and suddenly a 4x4 jumps out and there isn't a space anymore. And now I'm stuck in front of the opposing traffic, blocking them from going straight ahead. And it's hot, and it's been a long day, and I've had enough, and when the driver across from me lays on the horn and waves his arms at me in that universal "What the fuck are you doing?" gesture, I flip him the bird before making my turn.
And he puts his sirens on and follows me.
That didn't end well.
Welcome to my new garden.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-20 22:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I may be a fucking idiot, but check out the balls on me!"
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-20 11:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, see, while reading the reviews I had the idea to write a comical review along the lines of "Things to remember: Use half my penis to unscrew broken lightbulbs, stick potatoes in girlfriend".
Then Danger_Ranger came along with his inferiorly executed joke that I think is just a little too similar to the premise of mine for mine to go over as well as planned.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-12-05 15:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think you could post just quotation marks and get on most heated you sexy thang you.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-04 18:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish all were as awesome as you
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have sworn I rated this...
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone said you are in Australia. The term retrospect* is used sometimes in my area (Ontario, Canada) but a slangish version is probably more popular being "hindsight". People who come along with *obvious* solutions after the fact are often accused of 20/20 hindsight. Hell, some of our managers survive on 20/20 hindsight (my cynical comment of the day)
The potato idea is fine but I would still make very sure the light is switched off and unplugged if possible. Electricians have been known to make bizarre shortcuts and/or mistakes. I like to have a multi-meter handy to verify if the receptacle is "hot". Switching off the breaker or taking out a fuse are also good safety ideas -- depending on what you're doing. It's good you got the job done without further injury.
* I have friends from New Zealand and it's very interesting how many terms or phrases are just a little different -- especially slang and vernacular. e.g. sidewalk (here) = footpath in NZ etc.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-04 11:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Argh!
Doodles, quit it. No spamming shit posts to heated, ok? Please? Thank you.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just one more then?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ADHD is kicking in. OH LOOK, IT'S AN ANT!!!1111!!!onehundredeleventyone!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, my pen0s is so huge I can suck it myself, go figure.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOmeboddy is giving me a blowjob for this... and it better not have to be me.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
backwards. :(
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Up!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This review is brought to you by Heat, for all your hitwhoring needs
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've done just what you did with the lamp, but I also would've left if plugged in.
My driver's license not only has a B restriction on it for corrective lenses, but a H restriction on it for protective headgear.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Circe
Stop aggravating police officers. A girl like you can't afford that kind of attention.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-04 00:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-03 22:18:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Equals WHAT, dammit?
---
I seriously love this guy.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-03 22:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Equals WHAT, dammit?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be rated higher.
In other news, my flight to Retrospect has been delayed. Bah.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I flipped an old man off this morning. To be fair, it was the second time he had cut me off, so I'm ok with it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*holds tongue at crooked angle.......*
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh haha hehe, hoho hahe......
no?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait...someone's fucking fruit?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*twist twist...*
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT A MANGO FORENSIC YOU FUCKING MORON
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.. I just kind of skimmed. She mentions a mango?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-03 03:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The cut in half potato is for the broken lightbulb, Danger, NOT your penis.
Try a mango.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 02:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still nothing.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-03 02:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-02 14:01:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe Circe Circe!
Guess what!
I found out I have a penis and I can stick it in things like my girlfriend!
IT'S WONDERFUL!
-------------------
I found my penis as well, the half a potato thing just isn't working. and yes I tried both clockwise and counter.
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 01:23:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate anything that relies on me to use my own best judgement."
Ah, me too amigo.
'Tis how one gets arrested.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-12-03 00:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never miss.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-12-02 20:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, so that was by way of being pretty much the entire post, but still, good stuff.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-12-02 20:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"(If Retrospect was an actual town, how awesome would it be to live there? All the sensible, logical things happen in Retrospect. "In Retrospect, we wouldn't have poisoned the water supply for five towns to see if it worked." "In Retrospect I wouldn't have stabbed my husband in a jealous rage." Retrospect must be a lovely place.) "
Now to read the rest....
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-02 20:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:04:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to try and salvage some pride here so...
Bitch go make me a damn sandwich.
Does anyone elseever spell 'sandwich' 'sandwitch' and have to go back and correct it after you type the word consciously?
Because I do, alot.
---
Nine hours without a response? That means you forfiet and I get my dignigty back.
I don't really give a fuck what time it was in Aussie land or that you were probably sleeping, I am man. I am strong.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-02 19:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-02 18:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I, too, was going to say the potato thing.
WHAT GENIUSES we have here!
=========
I couldn't remember which food item to use. I was going through apple, oranges, bananas etc in my mind.
Potatoes never came up.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-02 18:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I said it first Bob-O!!
Neener Neener Neener!
I know, I win the STFU prize.
Yay!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-02 18:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, too, was going to say the potato thing.
WHAT GENIUSES we have here!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-12-02 17:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cut a potato in half, smash it onto the broken bulb, and twist it out.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-12-02 17:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WA looks tropical. Sweet.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-12-02 16:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good old circe
i have always feared the lightbulb danger, didn't know it ever actually happened though
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-02 16:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your unfortunate accident made MY stomach queasy.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-02 16:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can take a raw potato, slice it in half, push it down on the broken bulb, and unscrew it that way.
After you unplug the lamp of course.
I want to live in your garden.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-02 15:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pliars?
amusing anecdote
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-02 14:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe Circe Circe!
Guess what!
I found out I have a penis and I can stick it in things like my girlfriend!
IT'S WONDERFUL!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-02 13:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:38:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice garden
Is "garden" where you come from the same thing as "yard" where I come from?
jes wondering
--
*International Ubercommunity sniggers and mutters, 'Stupid Americans.'*
I like it when you lose your temper, C. It always entertains.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-02 13:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Circe. This made me smile
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, this sucked.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-12-02 12:03:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's dump the kids and move to Retrospect.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice garden
Is "garden" where you come from the same thing as "yard" where I come from?
jes wondering
Oh check it out, the crazy alcoholics next door moved out. This is good, the part that is bad is the part where they apparently decided NOT to take the cat with them. Granted they had dozens, this is what happens when you don't get them fixed so they may have lost count but goddamnit this is unacceptable. The thing is skittish too probably from being barked at and chased by my dogs. Plus most likely the typical awkward gait of a drunk has made him constantly fear being stepped on. I know what's going to happen. I'm going to end up putting food and water out for it and eventually it's going to by lying on the floor in front of the fireplace because I'm a pussy and can't stand the thought of an animal suffering.
fucking drunks
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALso, I predict you make the MVA next year.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to try and salvage some pride here so...
Bitch go make me a damn sandwich.
Does anyone elseever spell 'sandwich' 'sandwitch' and have to go back and correct it after you type the word consciously?
Because I do, alot.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-02 11:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make up for the balls you 'lost' while unscrewing the bulb with pliers by flipping off a rozzer.
That, and the filename, and because I agreed with you on the population control post above this one, warrants a very big, fat, juicy, mescal-infused +2. Have a ball, Southerner.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-02 09:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi C1ndy!
Heya, Licious!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-12-02 09:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello Circe!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-02 09:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-12-02 09:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What, flipping the bird is illegal in Australia now?
At least your cleavage probably got you out of a ticket, right?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-02 08:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh pretty
Hello Ms Circe
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-02 08:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
about the same as I would have done though.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-02 08:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
rubbish
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-02 08:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should ply me with drink some time
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-12-02 08:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucks sake.
Pliers.
YOu know how everyone has one word that they just can't fucking remember?
Pliers.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-12-02 07:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOOOO palm trees.
linkwhore! because. http://www.ubersite.com/m/74683