Reasons Not To Hold Hands With Another Girl In Front Of Your Girlfriend (2433 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. IHOP of Awesome (View user info) at 2006-12-04 03:27:04 EST
I've realized the downfalls of dating some one four years younger than myself.
Well, I realize that they're there and I'll have to deal with them eventually. Yeah, that's what I mean. I was watching the road today and it seemed to get longer even though I wasn't moving. That's my state of mind right now. I'd do anything for a poptart right now.
My nineteen-year-old girlfriend and I are trying to find our place in the world. I was hoping it would be a tropical island in the sun where it's always beautiful. Instead, it's still this shithole of damned winter and public transportation. She still lives at home. I have a roommate and a very jealous, angry cat and a girlfriend who happens to be allergic to said cat. In any other situation, cat would win. However, I can't get blowjobs from a cat.
Or can I...
No.
No I can't.
Just because it's called a pussy doesn't make it one.
Anyhow, I was complaining about something.
My parents have now met my girlfriend. My dad said he likes her hair. I don't know whether to tell her or not. She'll either be flattered or creeped out to the point that she'll ask that my dad be tied to a chair, covered in gasoline, set on fire and thrown in the river. And while my dad is smoking hot, my girlfriend has this weird problem with dating guys old enough to be her grandfather. I've tried to set her up with my crazy uncle Ernie but she won't give him the time of day even when he says he forgot his watch with his other cane.
I thought I was very immature for my age. I am but in a different way than my girlfriend. Living at home, she still deals with high school/teenage issues. 'My mother doesn't understand me.' 'My sister is an atrocious bitch.' 'I'm sick of changing my grandmother's depends every day.' And so on.
I'm way beyond all of that.
I just ignore my family until I need money.
It's evil but effective.
It seems that whenever I find one girl who puts up with my shit, I find more who seem just as willing. Forbidden fruit is much more sweeter and damn it all I hate being called a fruit even when I'm wearing these fashionable neon green pants.
My griffin and I were at a Christmas party on campus where we dressed all in white and burnt some crosses on the front yard and went and stormed the Kwanzaa party. This was before one of my teachers bought us all drinks and did a little dance for us. Then some girl knocked over a Christmas tree. And I won a door prize. Clearly, only the awesome parties give away door prizes.
At this point, all reasoning was thrown out the window as a bottle of vodka appeared in my hands and told me to drink. I was wearing some one else's hat and melted through walls, ending upstairs when I had been downstairs all night.
I was standing in a doorway with my griffin and our circle of friends. The slut, the gimp and the dude. I love them, that's why they all have nicknames. Without them, I'd be a shell of a man. Like chocolate only not as awesome. I had just introduced everyone to the best pick up line in the world. It goes a little something like: if a tree fell in the forest, would you give me head?
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I'm a genius.
So my griffin wanders away and a girl I met during the first week of class starts talking to me. We had flirted hardcore but since my griffin and I started 'going out' (teehee) she's avoided me like a drunken native passed out on the bus.
We start talking and I ask why she's avoided me. Alcohol makes me bold and brash and I can leap through windows without feeling a thing. And I can solve impossible math problems and ducks are my friends. The world is wonderful and beautiful and I am God of the thunderbolts.
She asks if I'm 'dating that girl over there.'
Now here's where I proclaim my love for my griffin and not lie. Don't lie, Steve. Don't lie. That's what my brain was telling me. But my mouth did what the alcohol was telling me to say.
"Nah, we're just friends."
Only bad things can come from lies.
Now, people were crowding around the strange girl and I. They bump us together. There was this energy between us that can only be measured on a scale of drunk to drunkest. We end up holding hands. The whole evening, I hadn't held hands with my girl but here I am with another.
WHAT IS THIS? GRADE EIGHT? GRADE FOUR? KINDERGARTEN?
It wasn't like I dragged her into the bathroom and made a tree fall in the forest.
It wasn't like I left with her.
We just held hands.
I hold hands with everyone.
Why does this make me feel guilty, queasy and a little bit farty?
I ended up leaving with my girlfriend and banging her in my bed. But while I was holding her in my arms, gazing at my Steve Yzerman pictures, I couldn't help but think of the other girl. And maybe a little about Steve Yzerman. But mostly about the other girl.
Could I have them both? No.
Could I switch without hurting everyone and then having nothing? No. Or maybe no. What was the question?
Am I stuck with the whiny girl who gives okay head and always complains that my cat makes her itchy? Yes. For now.
Nineteen plus twenty-two equals sadness and woe.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-02 16:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times....at least you still goty laid that night from one of them....
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-01-25 20:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Update: New girl does NOT give better head than my ex.
More on this story as it develops.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-04 21:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her...I guess you could say that about all my girls.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-12 06:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin arrogant asshole
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-12 06:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bang the other girl, do whatever you want, who really gives a shit. In the end, all that is stopping you is your own deluded sense of "right and wrong", and really, who the fuck are YOU to make a judgement call like that??
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-12-12 05:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Besides the other one hates you cat ,
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-12-12 05:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's .,awsome,
why in the hell you gotta worry about her age? the other one is giving you the shits, this one has a special vibe with you that you are failing to recognise ,due to the fact that you are conditioned to the Max man.
what the hell man ,when they are comin at ya ???????????
just let go and be free for once in your life,cast away your inhibitions and live!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-08 05:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, looks like it's all yours!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-12-05 02:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-12-04 23:04:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:43:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't real, are you?
________________________________
Are you... speaking.. words?
I live on a plain of being that is only Steve.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-04 23:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:45:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any female younger than 22-23 is automatically retarded.
===========
She is pretty much spot-on. A few exceptions: you know who you are.
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-04 23:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guarantee I am using the "if a tree falls in a forest" line.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-12-04 23:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:43:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't real, are you?
________________________________
Are you... speaking.. words?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-04 20:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA YOU FUCKED STEVE YZERMAN
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-12-04 19:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-04 17:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ended up leaving with my girlfriend and banging her in my bed. But while I was holding her in my arms, gazing at my Steve Yzerman pictures, I couldn't help but think of the other girl. And maybe a little about Steve Yzerman. But mostly about the other girl.
====
Auto +2 just for that.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't real, are you?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:21:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
readin this makes me feel like i just shot 200 cc's of crack straight into my eyeballs and jumped out of a fucking plane with a rocket strapped to my back
not that i know what that feels like or anything....ahem
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I remember. It's the hockey thing. I get it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll win next time darko...
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe nice
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-12-04 15:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It wasn't like I dragged her into the bathroom and made a tree fall in the forest.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-04 14:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't help but think of the other girl. And maybe a little about Steve Yzerman. But mostly about the other girl.
-
B@W
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see if the other girl gives good head.
if> girl gives good head.
then> dump 19 yr. old.
simple math really and for fucks sake you already held hands.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
readin this makes me feel like i just shot 200 cc's of crack straight into my eyeballs and jumped out of a fucking plane with a rocket strapped to my back
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:48:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are saturated in awesome.
---
or would that be saturated WITH awesome?
hmmm... either way, your wordsmithing makes me happy.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are saturated in awesome.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
katy, if a tree fell in the forest, would you give me head?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you suck ass for lying. break up with the teenybopper.
+2 for the tree thing. it'd probably work on me but i'm an idiot.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-04 10:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I ended up leaving with my girlfriend and banging her in my bed. But while I was holding her in my arms, gazing at my Steve Yzerman pictures, I couldn't help but think of the other girl. And maybe a little about Steve Yzerman. But mostly about the other girl.
Could I have them both? No."
I'm confused. Do you want your current girl and Steve Yzerman or your current girl and the other girl?
Just trying to understand how Yzerman fits into all of this.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alcohol makes me bold and brash and I can leap through windows without feeling a thing. And I can solve impossible math problems and ducks are my friends. The world is wonderful and beautiful and I am God of the thunderbolts.
-----------------------
When I am drunk I am the God of Carbombs
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any female younger than 22-23 is automatically retarded.
I know this from experience. Find someone your own age as quickly as humanly possible. You'll be glad you did.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My hero.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I DO I DO
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2006-12-04 09:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I was reading something different
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take one.
A moustache ride that is.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Filename too!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie = awesome.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-04 06:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very very very funny. The way to start the day off right.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-04 06:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed hard.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-12-04 05:09:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Cement
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn good
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:05:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Griffin is a cool way to refer to your bird.
-----
Ah, now I understand.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's cold and I just noticed I have a cut on my thumb but I have no idea how it got there. I just thought you should know. Also, I don't know why you call her your griffen but I guess it's better than calling her your doris.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Living at home, she still deals with high school/teenage issues"
youre just as bad. dump her and fuck the other one till you get tired of her. then meet some ice queen that will mostly ignore you and fuck you very infrequently, but well enough to keep you snuffing after her and will eventually make you hate women until a couple years after she's gone you start to feel grateful for their company.
then you find some girl who is easy to please, shag her and dump her for someone better looking and continue the cycle on their side of the fence going.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Griffin is a cool way to refer to your bird.
And I have no advice. I'm useful like that.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-04 04:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hold out for a threesome.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I found a cookie in the cupboard.
It was the only bit of food left in there that wasn't a can of corn.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's OK, Stevie.
I'd still love you even if you sucked at math.
Oh wait.
Did I mention your cookie is good?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HOLY CRAP I'LL BE 23 BEFORE MY GRIFFIN TURNS 20.
I'M FUCKED UP.
Damn this cookie tastes good.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm on the verge of 23, thus I included the months without listing them.
Plus, I can't count.
Yeah.
That too.
YAH GOT ME.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-12-04 03:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've realized the downfalls of dating some one four years younger than myself.
Nineteen plus twenty-two equals sadness and woe."
YOU FAIL AT MATH.