The Grinch Who Told You Where To Stuff It (475 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malka (View user info) at 2006-12-04 05:58:48 EST
Fuck those Christmas people.
You know the ones.
Those chirpy consumerist tools that generously cream in rapture over the concept of Black Friday. The holiday enthusiasts who brawl over parking spots and the attention of underpaid retail salespersons with their fellow douchetwinkies while gooey slathers of fat are still congealing in everyone's veins from the previous night's unremitting, glutinous and bowel flogging food orgy.
They're the same who, denied by their parents the chance to decorate the front lawn with garden gnomes and garish flamingos, go chimpshit over 2-story tall Santa or snowman effigies, twinkle encrusted border shrubbery ...
and evil nightlight bulb bespattered deer creatures.
Judas Priest, couldn't you people adopt a more sophisticated mental disability? Hearing voices emit from your stereo speakers urging you to cram a Playstation 3 into your most eager body orifice would be more socially palatable than causing a 5 car pile-up because someone travelling past your home had forcibly wretched rivers of vomitus and blood all over his windshield before unconsciously spinning out onto the neighbor's curb.
While driving down a busy thoroughfare today, I saw a heavy windstorm slamming into both a snowman and a Santa placed close together on some festerdick's property. The blast whipped the two figures so violently that it looked as if Snowman was beating the crap out of Santa and forcing him to the ground. My first thought was, "Man, I bet that shit would be really upsetting for little kids to see." Then I laughed my fucking ass off.
See? This Christmas assdance is like criminal lice, bringing out the worst impulses in everybody.
I accept the explanation that holiday stress is causing my irrational outrage. Years of therapy will advise one of such things. I also have to acknowledge that this season is just something that everyone has to work through. That's why I'm sharing with you the highlights of my most sinister and greed engorged blistering fuckstick of a Christmas holiday. Let these experiences inform the development of your own wholesome coping techniques, as you navigate through the Hell that is double-sided gift wrapping tape stuck like jagged booger mountains all over your fingers.
On the first day of Xmas I decided to pare down the list of people I love. Buying a bunch of crap for those smegma slugging twits is such a goddam eye hemorrhoid, anyway.
On the second day of Xmas I made Chitterling Glazed Kitty Litter Cookies to distribute to all of my smoking friends as a fond way of saying, "Thanks for all of the support when I was trying to quit!"
On the third day I had a hangover and revived my spirits by crapping in their backyards. Somebody slammed me in the pooper with a snowball. It still hurts.
On the fourth day of this wearisome, relentless shit festival I hunted Santa down by paying one of my gangsta-wannabe students 10 bucks to find that dickblister. We then tied Santa's nuts to a Yule log and set it on fire. Yeah, so much for that jolly fucking season of laughter and good cheer.
And just how much punishment did you think I could take? Until you're capable of delivering upon that promise to get me the Snail and Onion scented candle by Botany Brutanicals that I've always wanted for Christmas, don't expect me to participate in your insidious little holiday rituals.
I have fucking had it, and so has Santa. His nuts and my asshole still hurt.
User Reviews
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-18 01:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-04 17:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A
Plus two for another Christmas Hater.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-04 13:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I concur. Xmas can blow me.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"your incredibly twisted use of vocabulary."
...gets a little distracting to be perfectly honest.
However:
"Fuck those Christmas people.
You know the ones.
Those chirpy consumerist tools that generously cream in rapture over the concept of Black Friday. The holiday enthusiasts who brawl over parking spots and the attention of underpaid retail salespersons with their fellow douchetwinkies while gooey slathers of fat are still congealing in everyone's veins from the previous night's unremitting, glutinous and bowel flogging food orgy."
Is nothing short of fucking golden.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2006-12-04 12:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.I enjoyed it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-04 11:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While driving down a busy thoroughfare today, I saw a heavy windstorm slamming into both a snowman and a Santa placed close together on some festerdick's property. The blast whipped the two figures so violently that it looked as if Snowman was beating the crap out of Santa and forcing him to the ground. My first thought was, "Man, I bet that shit would be really upsetting for little kids to see." Then I laughed my fucking ass off.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
In other news, I'm really happy you hate X-mas too!
You say 'Judas Priest' too?! Cool! Sometimes I do, and then add something about gay men in black leather.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-04 10:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wasn't that impressed
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-12-04 08:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and evil nightlight bulb bespattered deer creatures.
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+2 for that little literary sapphire.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome, like always.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 even though I didn't read it all, as I too hate Christmas. Plus you put enough awesome anti-christmas words in there to entertain me. Good Show
Bah Motherfucking Humbug.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-04 07:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
douchetwinkies
bowel flogging food orgy
chimpshit
wretched rivers of vomitus and blood
festerdick
assdance
blistering fuckstick
eye hemorrhoid
dickblister
...all words used to describe Christmas... ba fucking humbug.
I bow to you and your incredibly twisted use of vocabulary.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-04 06:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
was ok