Dating: Part 1 (1110 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.5 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-12-05 08:51:40 EST
There comes a time in ones life when they feel worldlier and in-tune with certain aspects of their life past or present. For me that time is now. As it so happens I'm proposing to the missus is less than a week in a big surprise extravaganza. Which I'm sure will scare the shit out of her. So I am here to give you my guide to dating: The dos and don'ts.
The Intent
The classic 'do' is to treat the wench with whom you are attempting to court. Such treats may involve super-sizing, swapping a boys toy for a girls toy, or simply saying 'hell, I'll pay'.
Depending on the type of lady friend you are wooing, or attempting to woo, this can be taken in different ways.
The modern day 'insecure' women may take offence, as if she feels the need to reverse the rolls, and offer to pay for your food. Do not accept this gesture. In fact start running as fast as you can, because inevitably this woman will turn into the psycho bitch who wants to steal your bank statements to check your outgoings. Or the mental case who erases your past and considers you to be a virgin with no other sexual/ emotional experience prior to her... God help you if you attempt to correct her.
The other type of women will over take, and order the really ultra expensive meal that costs too much, or keep fucking around with the order until it's a totally different item all together.
A good example of this is a Goth girl I dated many moons ago, who in an act at ambiguous humour asked for the 'happy meal... without the emotion'. The poor gentlemen serving had no idea what to do AND CALLED A MANGER. Needless to say we broke up very soon thereafter.
The perfect response to this should be 'That's really nice, thank you' followed by a smile and a sensible order that they actually want to eat. This is a good sign because anyone who can accept, with grace and courtesy, such a small gift is less likely to be a pathetic, pedantic and petty bitch.
The act of offering something for nothing by the male is not uncommon, and should not be viewed as an insult. It is a genuine offer of intent, as if to say when you eat this you are acknowledging the fact that you like me.
Obviously turning up on the first date with an awesome gift, lavishing awesomeness all over said floozy is stupid. If you find this re-occurring then self-extraction from the gene pool is required.
Appearance
You should always consider how she would dress. Do not turn up wearing jeans and a hoody to a formal dinner, similarly don't go to a fast food joint in a suit. That's just common sense though right? WRONG.
A close friend of mine once went to meet a girl at Pizza Hut for a light snack before a movie. This was around 2pm. He showed up in jeans and trainers with a t-shirt on. She turned up in a near full on fucking ball gown. Do not turn up in a ball gown to anything ever... except Balls or proms.
Shoes, teeth and hair are probably the key aspects to first impressions, because lets face it- they count for nearly everything from there on out.
Conversation
This is a tough one. You have three choices:
1. Talk about what you like
2. Talk about what she likes
3. Stare awkwardly at the waitress until it's time to go.
The first is a bad idea because she will straight away think you're an idiot for not being interested in anything but yourself. Which is lame. It's never cool to open with a:
"So then I was 5 and a kid was bullying me," type pf story. In fact just shut the fuck up you sound stupid.
Number 2 is less likely to cause a problem, however, it requires the mental strength of ten Buddhist monks on a day when they have to have... have a lot of mental strength. The stories or questions you ask will often involve pretending like you care, and in some cases you may, but those are few and far between.
You will also find yourself asking questions you don't care about. Those are the worst because then you've only yourself to blame.
You- "So how'd you get here?"
Her- "Oh I got the bus."
You- "Really? Wow I haven't been on a bus since I got my car... what's it like?"
Now you sound stupid and are about to get served.
Number 3 just means you're socially inept and under no circumstances should be allowed out in public without the organ grinder you fucking monkey.
Note: the following is a list of acceptable topics: Music (don't be a pretentious cunt 'oh I like Death is the Bride of the Avatar. Yeah their not well known but I don't care their music is all about the soul.'), clothes/ shopping in general (as a rule of thumb this is a sound topic. Things like 'man the city centre's busy today, to be honest I don't blah blah blah etc....'), TV (again don't be a pompous prick and talk about a 4am programme done entirely in black and white with a mime as the presenter), University (good topic).
Try not to be the sort of dick who makes a joke every 5 seconds because by the end of the date all thy will associate you with is laughter, and that's not good.
Company
Never stop in the street with the new lady friend and attempt to introduce her. You will only give her labels by which she can define herself to you/ decide what you think of her.
Also no one likes to stand around looking like a twat for ten minutes while old friends catch up.
Do not bring you're friends on dates. I did that. Once. It went badly.
Me: Friend this is Girl.
Friend: Yeah we bet before...
Me: Really? How?
Girl: He tried to touch me up in a club * punch *
At which point I was kind of torn as to what to do... so I thought fuck this and walked away. Then going back to get my friend who was in mid argument with said 'nut-job'.
Who not to date:
Friends Sisters
Friends
People already in a relationship
Anyone under the age of 18 (Especially if they're a goth. I'm sorry but those people are as stable as Alexander Litvinenkos condition, oh wait...)
Work colleagues
People who put hearts over the 'I'
I'd kill all of the fuckers who do that in a heartbeat.
The final thing to remember is to keep your friends quiet at all points. Unlike my friend who, whilst he was wooing a girl (unbeknownst to me) I reminded him of the time he accidentally took a shot from the corner pocket and nudged it in the bonus tunnel. He never got with any girl at that party.
User Reviews
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-05 13:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you find this re-occurring then self-extraction from the gene pool is required. "
+2 on this alone. Almost crying this is so funny.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is awesome.
And it's never ever ever a good idea to date a friends sister/brother
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 05:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was going to go alot worse than it did.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-05 22:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made me chuckle.
some abosolute truths here, although I do have to say that a guy who manages to make me laugh several (many) times during the course of a dinner has a much better shot at a second date.
More laughs = better. But I could just be an anomoly. Well, ok, yeah, I know I'm different..
<mumble,mumble,mumble,mumble,mumble,>
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-12-05 22:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cute
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-05 21:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
okay!
now post another.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2006-12-05 13:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
great ! so now we get tea and cookies ?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-05 11:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In other news this is my 100th post.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you find this re-occurring then self-extraction from the gene pool is required.
hahahahaha ! i see the big deletion-thumb already hangin'over me !
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...maybe. *blinks*
Nice post.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-05 09:48:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
Authenticating your email for an account: free
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Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-12-05 10:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...omg...
he CALLED A MANGER??!!!!
Well that's too much. A trundle bed or a stall would be one thing, but that's just ridiculous. Manger's have more important things to do with their time than take care of gothic warriors. Good thing your girl wasn't bitching about her 'happy' meal when Mary an' Joe rocked up, or we'd all be singing Away In a Shit Heap or something like that.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-05 09:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Really? Wow I haven't been on a bus since I got my car... what's it like?"
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-05 09:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The perfect response to this should be 'That's really nice, thank you' followed by a smile and a sensible order that they actually want to eat. This is a good sign because anyone who can accept, with grace and courtesy, such a small gift is less likely to be a pathetic, pedantic and petty bitch.
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Very good advice you man.
I pulled my sisters best friends once when we all went out together. We got back to my sisters flat where her and this girl had a physical fight, my sister got a taxi to my Mums and I fucked her friend all over her flat.
Then I dated her for 3 months and dumped her because she kept pinching me.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-05 09:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Authenticating your email for an account: free
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+1 for effort
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-05 09:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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