The Hate Game (361 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hirilnara (View user info) at 2006-12-05 10:03:49 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I've been playing the hate game with myself for, I don't know, six years now? Sounds about right.
It's relatively simple - I hate myself, I lash out at myself in some way, I hate myself more. Self destruction is an easy cycle to fall into, and then... well, the only way is down.
I've done the stereotypical things - cutting myself, trying to overdose, ropes around my neck that never quite got tight enough.
But there have been less dramatic demonstrations as well; treating my friends like crap, so they stay away when I need them most.
Staring at the blank page that needs to turn into a report so I can stay on my course, and opening a game of solitaire instead.
Stupid risks that will one day fuck me over, but I keep taking them because nothing's happened to me yet.
Binges until I feel like I'm falling apart physically as well as mentally.
I have weeks, months sometimes, when I'm normal, and I fight, fight so damn hard to pull myself together, pull myself away from the edge. And, occasionally, I'm blessed with really good luck; my boyfriend, the friends who've stuck with me through all the histrionics. But I gradually start slipping back again, undoing all my hard work with no effort at all. I just fall back into the same dank pit, and lose a little more ground on the way. Even when I find a way out again, there's the sense of disgust at my weakness, and the seed is planted for the next fall even as I climb.
Asking for help is out of the question - that might actually break the cycle, set me free from my self imposed misery. And I think there's a part of me that believes I deserve all this. There's a part of me, buried deep inside where I can't get at it to change it, that truly hates myself, and punishes me for existing.
So I keep playing the same, twisted game. Only problem is, I'm beginning to run out of moves.
User Reviews
Submitted by centaur (user info) at 2008-05-29 06:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're stuff seems to get ignored generally.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2