The Guide To Dating: The Prequel: Place to go and People to See (1159 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.95 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-12-06 06:47:25 EST
Do not under any circumstances print these guides off and take them with you on a date. This will lead to the inevitable cock blocking from a male friend who has no need for prompting.
Dating The Prequel: Places to go and People to see
Picking up woman in the club (I'm sorry if this appears sexist but since I am a male it would be fairly arrogant of me to include a guide for females)
This is by far the HARDEST of ways to pick up women. There are indeed several factors that MUST be taken into consideration on all excursions to the local disco or moonshine den.
1. Alcohol. If you are lucky enough to smoothly chat up a girl and bed her, then remember that last night you looked way better than you do in the morning. Don't be offended if she keeps hurling even when there's nothing left to chuck.
2. Cock blockers. This is taken from another popular website but I will elaborate slightly. The cock blocker is actually 1 of 2 people. It is either the one you don't fancy, e.g. the really unattractive one who keeps shooting daggers at you. AVOID HER. Or number two; it is your friend (who is also a number two for cock blocking you). He will employ far more aggressive tactics to out do you, so pray he embarrasses himself. Then you can mock him with the lady friend you have partaken to enjoying the company of.
3. Chat up lines:
Chat up lines are against the law. AGAINST.THE.LAW. Never ever use one unless you want to die. Here are some examples:
"Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?"
"Let's go get liquored up and rape each other."
"The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word."
Not acceptable. Ever. No woman likes to be treated to a line used a billion times before (Unless it's one of the following)
"Hi there my name is {insert name} can I buy you a drink?"
"Hi sorry to be rude but mind if I sit with you for a bit?"
Those are fine normal ways to say 'hello I find you enticing, want to talk a bit?' Here is a dodgy line:
'Would you like to dance?'
There is nothing, NOTHING less attractive than a man who can't dance but thinks he can. Men who are in groups dance like idiots, but safety in numbers. Normal men who can't dance nod their heads and sway, but just a little as not to spill their pints. Creatures of Satan flail their arms in timing, usually off, with the drum and have a goofy look of concentration on their face.
If you avoid these pitfalls then who knows, you may come across as a normal member of society who can function in social situations. Thus earning you a date (if she fucks straight away then clearly neither of you were looking to date... unless whores are your topic of choice... filthy heathen WHORES.)
The Restaurant.
Do not comment on how much she eats.
Do not comment on how much you will each pay (just offer)
Do not wait for her to start talking, strike up a conversation (If she's on a date with you then likeliness is she wants to talk to you.)
Do not talk about ex girlfriends.
Do not be honest about feelings (no woman wants that shit on the first date. That should be saved for week twelve of the relationship: Return of the Phantom Drunk)
Do not share her food! If she asks for yours then let her, but you don't ask to share hers.
Do not (I hate when people do this) have a condom in your note section of the wallet. It may 'accidentally' slip out (pun after pun) but she will kick. Your. Ass.
Do Pay attention (You may get quizzed later and if all you can think is 'Do I prefer the left one... or the right one?' She will know and kick your ass.
Do not be shy. No point.
Do not be cocky. (Hard to balance.)
Do not get romantic. Be nice and normal.
Do not get this out and start having a flick.
DO NOT GET ANYTHING OUT AND START HAVING A FLICK.
Another one of my friends has once met the girl at the restaurant and said 'Holy shit you're taller than I remember" Not good.
Picking up Woman in a social situation:
This amuses me. People can be so fucking stupid. If you're at the dry cleaners then you do not say something like 'Hey... doing your drying cleaning?" What answer could she possibly give other than yes? "No actually I like the smell of chemicals".
Be confident and polite try and strike up common ground and talk about something useful unacceptable: WOW, games, the Internet, sport, alcohol, girls you did (it is funny to your male friends but to her that makes you a male chauvinistic pig.)
My friend once opened up a conversation with a girl simply by stating 'Man, I love grass' he was sitting on a hill at the local park. Fucking idiot.
You'd be surprised how much shit will come out in the wash if you lie.
The Internet
Ah fuck it people pick women up on the net all the time. As long as they've left school it's no big deal... and it's five thirty now so they've all left school.
This is one of the best way for shy people to meet women. As long as you're honest then not much can go wrong. I highly recommend this for the shy male. As long as you're honest.
Follow part one on conversation as to how to fill out your profiles.
Key Phrases to help you out:
"I don't like you" translation "I like you a little"
"I like you" translation "take me here"
"Rape" translation "No thank you"
"So what do you think?" Translation "Agree with me"
"How much was that?" Translation "Are you paying for me or not?"
"You like motorbikes?" Translation "I want to get fucked on one"
"I hate drinking." Translation "I'm a light weight and men take advantage"
"I hate drugs" Translation "My last bf wz a ston3r and he wz liek a total n00b."
"I hate emo" Translation "I'm more post modern death grind rock core punk classical rock-a-billy techno whiz pop a doodle doo mo"
Part 3: you got a date?
User Reviews
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just stumbled on a little goldmine here. These look good.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2007-01-05 14:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more. Most entertaining read all day long.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-01-05 13:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-05 13:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this
alot
all night long
to the break of dawn
I'll come to your house
And mow your lawn
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:43:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Creatures of Satan flail their arms in timing, usually off, with the drum and have a goofy look of concentration on their face."
That used to be me. I actually used to do that. One night someone came up to me and asked me to stop. I didn't pay attention to those words until the next morning, and I haven't set a foot on the dancefloor since.
yeah,that figures . go milk your cows . neuk jezelf while at it .
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Creatures of Satan flail their arms in timing, usually off, with the drum and have a goofy look of concentration on their face."
That used to be me. I actually used to do that. One night someone came up to me and asked me to stop. I didn't pay attention to those words until the next morning, and I haven't set a foot on the dancefloor since.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-06 13:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe..
good stuff.
I'm fiding these hysterical.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 11:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol. ok dude I'll leave you to your shenanigans then.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-06 11:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96570#2246271
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shhh...minor phishing.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 11:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Part 5 of Holy War series is now written. I'll post it instead of part 3 of this series tomorrow.
C
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You like motorbikes?" Translation "I want to get fucked on one"
hahhahahah
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 08:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-06 07:30:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah fuck it people pick women up on the net all the time. As long as they've left school it's no big deal... and it's five thirty now so they've all left school.
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The old ones ARE the best!!
I'm loving this.
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Couldn't agree with you more
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-06 07:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Do not be shy. No point.
that came as an all-in-one package . everytime i try to uninstall
'shy-guy 1.0' , depression 3.9 starts up a failsafe routine , and reinstalls it...
damn software !
Actualy , the real pretty (awfull characters , ofcourse) , usualy fall for the shyness.
they think controlling a shy person is easy , while forgetting that the shyness is gone after
the 1st introduction .
so , it's good , and it's bad , and it gets ugly .
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-06 07:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah fuck it people pick women up on the net all the time. As long as they've left school it's no big deal... and it's five thirty now so they've all left school.
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The old ones ARE the best!!
I'm loving this.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 07:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96517- First part