Cheap Working Professionals Are Wankers - Why You Shouldn't Punch an Electrician in The Face (1154 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.59 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2006-12-06 09:16:10 EST
I've had my own house for about 2 years now, and I have become all too familiar with DIY and home improvements.
I've done bits and pieces here and there, just little things that will help add a bit of value to the house, so maybe in a few years time I can sell it for a profit and find somewhere better. That's the plan, anyway.
I've dug a pond, and put water features in the garden. I've put wooden flooring in the kitchen. I've even had a new bathroom suite fitted. All little things that just add something extra to the place.
Last weekend, I decided to get some new light fittings. The ones I currently had were pretty bog standard, and you can get some fairly decent ones for a reasonable price these days.
One quick trip to Ikea later, and I was stocked up with the latest designs from the Swedish superstore. I figured it'd be fairly simple to fit these myself, and for the most part, it was.
A new strip light in the kitchen was a bit awkward, but I got there in the end. A new row of spots in the living room replaced the single bulb that had been hanging down without any trouble. In fact, I didn't have any problems at all, until I tried to change the fitting on the landing at the top of the stairs.
I unscrewed the fitting that had been there since I moved in, and there were easily 15 different wires behind there. It was like a plate of electrical spaghetti had been tipped through a gap in the ceiling. I didn't have a clue which one would do what.
I know when I'm beaten, so decided it would be best to call in someone who knew what they were doing. I like my house, and I don't want it burning to the ground because I'm a stubborn asshole who thinks they can do everything themselves.
Before going to the phonebook, I sat and pondered how much this was likely to cost. It was a Sunday, so they would probably charge more for their time. Then you have the callout fees, and not to mention VAT. One simple light fitting could end up costing me a small fortune.
Being the eternal cheapskate that I am, I decided to find a more economical alternative. I jumped in the car, and drove over the Sunday market. They have a huge notice board, where people in the area can put up items for sale, or advertise their services (illicit, or otherwise).
After trawling through the usual assortment of coffee tables for sale, and bouncy castles for hire, I found what I was after:
***Handyman Hugh***
For all your household needs!
Plumbing, Electrical, Landscape etc
***No job too small - give me a call***
There was a mobile phone number at the bottom of the card, so I jotted it down and went back home. I rang his number, and told him what needed doing, and he quoted me one fixed price for the whole job.
I figured the guy may not be a qualified electrician, but he probably knew what he was doing, and at this price I wasn't going to complain. About half an hour later, I hear a vehicle pull up, and a few seconds later, my doorbell went.
I was sat on the bog at the time, so cursing his timing, I managed to get the emerging turtle head to retreat back to its shell, pull up my jeans and rush to answer the door. I pulled it open, and there was no-one there.
"Damn kids...." I muttered, and I had just turned around to go and finished what I started when the bell went again. This time when I answered, I stood face to face with a guy that looked like Doofey from Scary Movie.
"Sorry about that, I was just getting my toosl from the company van...."
I looked down, and saw he was right. He had indeed just got his tools (stored in a Woolworth's plastic carrier bag) from his company van (a rusty brown Robin Reliant 3-wheeler parked at the end of my drive).
They guy was dressed in overalls, steel toe-capped boots, and a hard hat.
"Hey, is all the gear really necessary? I mean, it's only a light fitting...." The guy practically scoffed at me as if I had no idea what I was on about.
"Hey, never underestimate the profession. You never know what you're gonna come across...."
Oh well. As long as he fixes my lights, I don't give a shit what he looks like. I invite him in, and show him where the fitting is.
"Ok, shouldn't be a problem. Just got to find out which of these babies are live. Can you switch the juice back on for me?" I go back downstairs and hit the main switch in the fuse box back on. When I go back upstairs, I can't believe my eyes.
The guy is standing on the chair I had been stood on earlier. He wet his thumb and forefinger in his mouth, and was literally flicking the bare wires. He hit the first two with no results, but when he touched the third, sparks flew.
"Whew! Ok, that's a live one!" He flicks the next wire, and more sparks appear. "That one, too!"
"What the fuck? Dude, should you really be doing that?"
"Sure, I know what I'm doing. I do this all the time." So much for 'respecting the profession'.
"Ok, I'll leave you to it. Do you a cup of tea, coffee or anything?"
"Tea would be great."
I go down to the kitchen, and make the tea. Just as I'm about to take it up, I hear a loud bang. The lights go out, and there is an ominous thump on the ceiling above me.
I dash back up the stairs, and the guy is led on the floor, with his left boot twitching away.
"Fuck!" I thought. The stupid bastard's gone and fried himself. I put the mug of tea down on the floor, and go over to him. I figured I shouldn't touch him directly, so I grab a wooden mallet from his bag, and poke him in the ribs with it.
No response. Shit. What do I do? I run back down stairs, and I'm just about to pick up the phone to call an ambulance when several thoughts hit me.
This guy was probably unqualified. What if he's dead, and they start asking questions? Should I have been letting him work in the house? Would they think I've set it all up to kill him? Even if he is alive, what if he's screwed my electrics? Would I still be able to claim through my insurance company?
Ok, let's calm down. He's probably just had a bit of a shock, I'm sure he's fine. I dart back upstairs, and there are still no signs of life. I throw my earlier thoughts about touching him to the wind, and force him into the recovery position. He looked uncomfortable, so I went and checked my little medical book I keep handy, and then put him in the proper recovery position, without his face being shoved in the carpet. 10 minutes pass, and still no signs of life.
I think about calling the ambulance again, but this is now out of the question. Why did I leave it to long? Now I really would look guilty. Who leaves an unconscious man for coming up to 20 minutes now, before calling for help?
I check his pulse, and breathed a sigh of relief when I found it. I put my face next to his mouth and nose, but I couldn't feel any respiration.
I knew what I had to do. The thought grossed me out completely, but I couldn't see any other option.
I was going to have to give Doofey mouth to mouth.
I had been on a first aid course at work, but the stupid bastards had put it on in the afternoon, and I had attended after a 4 pint lunch break. I never thought I would ever actually have to do any of that stuff.
I roll Doofey onto his back and kneel over him. Straight away I noticed little details, like the unkempt moustache, complete with a strand of spittle. When I pinch his nose, and open his mouth, I can clearly see the 2 rows of yellowy, nicotine stained teeth, and an assortment of metal fillings.
"Must...... Not. ......Barf........ Must......Save.....Doofey....."
Slowly, I gather courage and begin to bring my mouth closer to his. Closing the gap, I come within a few inches, and suddenly notice the stench of peanut butter and onion coming from his mouth. I hold my breath, and inch closer, closer, nearly there, less than 2 inches to go, and...........
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Doofey opens his eyes as wide as he can, grabs me with both hands, and roars directly into my face.
With my nerves strung as high as they were, given the current circumstances, there was only one thing that could have happened.
I shit myself. Not literally, but it was close. I leap backwards about 3 feet in the air, stumble on the bag of tools, and fall sideways down the stairwell. I land on my back, half way down, but I'm still in too much shock to register any pain. Doofey appears at the top of the stairs, mug of tea in hand, laughing his ass off.
"Oh man..... your face!!! You should have seen your face!! Boy, did I get you a treat!"
Now, I'm not usually a violent person. In the normal run of things, I tend to avoid fights, because generally, I lose. But this was not the normal run of things. Some guy, who I didn't know, was in my house, drinking my tea, had just scared the living shit out of me and shaved a good year or 2 off my life expectancy, was stood at the top of my stairs, laughing at me.
Rage, like a tidal wave, swept up through my body, and in a flash I was on my feet charging up the stairs.
"Motherfucker!!!!" I grabbed him by his throat, and launched the full weight of my body onto him. I had one thought in my mind.
Hurt. This. Man. Badly.
The plan was simple. It just wasn't executed very well. The idea was to pin him on the floor, and batter his face to a bloody pulp.
He landed on the floor with a thump with me on top of him. In a blind rage, I leant backward, clenched a fist and swung forward with all my might.
One detail proved my downfall. The stupid yellow hard hat. As his head hit the floor, the back of the hat had some forward, and the top of the hat covered his face completely. My speeding knuckles flew downwards, and instead of the satisfying crunch of bone on cartilage, my hand bore the full impact of hard, reinforced plastic.
As the flesh peeled back from my knuckles, Doofey was still laughing like a hyena from beneath his hat. I rolled off, and watched as he jumped up, grabbed his bag and fucked off down the stairs and out the front door.
When I looked up, I saw the gaping hole with spaghetti hanging down. The bare ends of 15 wires glaring at me like accusing eyeballs.
Hugh was gonna pay for this. And so was I.
For a proper fucking electrician.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-27 08:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-27 07:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-22 14:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does all this shit really happen to you? Good show none the less.
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2006-12-13 23:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
""I was sat on the bog at the time, so cursing his timing, I managed to get the emerging turtle head to retreat back to its shell, pull up my jeans and rush to answer the door. I pulled it open, and there was no-one there.""
whoa dude. didn't you wipe???
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking. Awesome.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-07 06:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2006-12-06 19:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid. Laughed my ass off. The inspection team here at work thinks I'm thoroughly retarded (my plan is working!).
Still giggling.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
""Fuck!" I thought. The stupid bastard's gone and fried himself. I put the mug of tea down on the floor, and go over to him. I figured I shouldn't touch him directly, so I grab a wooden mallet from his bag, and poke him in the ribs with it."
This was the best bit, just because or your, real or not, complete misunderstanding of how electrocution works.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you think that a electrician would need a hard hat?
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-06 15:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-06 14:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blarf
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 13:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-06 12:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
sparkly, in fact.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-06 12:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, tough breaks mate...and boy oh boy do I ever remember being raped with VAT on my travels in Leicester and London earlier in the year. Oh well, whatever works for the economy, I suppose...
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Odds are if you have an old house in Europe the extra wires are old runs from the old daisy chained electrial hookups and when the house was rewired with BX (actually thats assuming there is any BX in the walls) they didnt bother to pull any of the old runs. Either way good luck with that, easiest way to DIY that would be to by a non contact voltage tester. Worth the bit of investment if you ever want to do more simple electrical work again. They are only like 30 dollars american so thats what 4 pounds sterling? :-P
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 for not actually shitting yourself.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
thank god , i now my way around those sparks .
Never . Ever . trust a non-professional electrician .
I used to be one . I know.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-06 10:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:55:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, did we have sex in a past life?
---------
No, but I'm starting to wish we had......
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, did we have sex in a past life?
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice read
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hsimah (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was awesome. Gave me a good laugh after a shitty day.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very good. Next time check for typos. None the less a good little read.
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, builders, electricians, plumbers under 50 are all commoners and should never be trusted.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hiredugan (user info) at 2006-12-06 09:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just allmost shit myself from laughing so hard. Have a +2, and a nice day, you cheapskate.