I'm trying out ghola's formula (1569 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Whore of Babylon (View user info) at 2006-12-06 15:58:48 EST
Note: Since I have no one to workshop this at the moment, an honest critique would be nice. If it sucks, that's cool, just tell me why.
Lauren, Stabbed to Death
There is nothing I can say.
In truth, I barely knew
The girl.
No, I did not know her.
I think of her parents.
Craig doesn't speak.
Now, when I see Nancy
She hugs me brutally.
I remember the night
Kathleen taught me origami,
And I think of my own sister.
God forgive me,
I am relieved.
Once, Death had no power over me.
He only skimmed me,
Struck the surface and skipped across.
Lauren stopped his momentum.
Together they sank, settled
At the bottom of my head.
There's a lot of dirt down there.
They stir it up.
So, no. There is nothing I can say.
More stones are thrown
And this time, violently.
On each is etched a question.
There is the why.
And the how
And the who.
The what was it like?
To be stabbed in the gut?
To lie there and feel the knife
Penetrate the belly,
Over and over,
Again and again?
Then comes the heaviest stone
Is it better to die fighting?
Lauren dragged herself
Across indifferent grass
To the neighbor's yard.
At least, that is the story
The blood told.
She fought.
So which death is worse?
This, or the long slow death
Crawling up my sister's back
Like a centipede?
It hooks its legs into her spine:
Many legs, many scars.
My sister does not fight.
She says she does not have a future.
So here's another stone:
What would that belly,
It's mouth opening,
Weeping like the Nile,
Say to her?
And now, a lighthearted camwhore to shake this crap off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-12 17:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My haircut is so bad in this picture. So bad. There are more recent ones, people. Jeez.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-12 16:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you would look funny with giant fuzzy orange hair.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cutie-patoot.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-13 10:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But when great Satan's gone, the whore of Babylon
She just can't sustain the pressure where it's placed
She caves
She caves
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-01 02:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 and a creeped out feeling for the fact that I recognized you just by your camwhore.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-01 01:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-23 02:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-19 10:42:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://comics.ign.com/articles/756/756319p1.html
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-18 13:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:34:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.tantalism.org
---
That seems to be for people who actually enjoy being unsatisfied. Not for me, but an interesting link.
It's fine that you don't like poetry. Negative ratings don't bother me unless there is no reason for them. Actually, those don't bother me either.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
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Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:33:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Disregard this review as a part of the story.
I had the strangest sex dream last night. I don't know why I am reporting it here. Your comment about tingling in my special place made me think of it. In the dream, a ghost kept teasing me when I was trying to go to sleep. Basically I'd get to the point where I'd be about to climax, and then the ghost would quickly disappear. Well, disappear is wrong, because I couldn't see him anyway.
How very odd that dream was.
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http://www.tantalism.org
PS I don't like poetry
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-01-17 21:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd hit it.
and I actually have a life outside of uber.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't actually read much of the poem / prose / strung together flowery words...
But I was fascinated by how helpful and constructive the reviews have been - especially this one:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96588#2247089
AND - yer cute.
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good evocative emotion.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
razor go back to your jew tom clancy novels
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was not a fan of this poem.
Lines like "hugged me brutally" and "indifferent grass" didn't work for me.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-07 09:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-12-07 04:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was trying to come up with something remotely insulting, but to no avail.
That's a pretty fucking cute picture.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-12-07 00:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit you're a man, man!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-12-07 00:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did you digitally enhance this pink?
MES YEUX!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 00:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got to admit, this sort of thing really isn't my cup of Orangeade. Not this piece specifically...this mode of poetry. That's likely due to my preference for words and fluidity, and how you can make sounds move within, and from line-to-, lines.
Verse like this depends more on your emotions and will often mean more to you than the reader. I read this and I am disconnected. Indifferent. I wish that wasn't the case. I appreciate the sentiments within it, and there are a few really quality lines here, but to live in this piece as a whole is, at least for me, difficult.
"Weeping like the Nile"
"settled/At the bottom of my head/There's a lot of dirt down there"
Well done for writing and sharing. I'd like to see more of what you've got.
Additionally, who do I have to pay to get some criticism like gina's up in here? You should consider yourself lucky to get such thorough commentary. Color me jealous.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 22:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate the detailed review, gina. Perhaps this would work better as a prose piece. There's a lot I left out, and that makes it unclear.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 22:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DAYUM GINA!
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2006-12-06 22:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So the thing is, this isn't really a poem at all. Taking a piece of prose and adding line breaks does not make it a poem. It just makes it strangely written prose. This is, however, pretty good prose. This line:
Lauren dragged herself
Across indifferent grass
To the neighbor's yard.
is remarkable. But the line breaks just make it clumsy, they don't make it poetry. Ironically, this line is the closest thing to poetry in this piece. When I read about the neighbour's indifferent grass, I immediately think about suburban isolationism and the mind numbing boredom and alienation of the "ticky-tacky boxes" of American track housing, and that is very nearly poetic, but then you don't expand on that at all. It's like the the most poetic moment of this "poem" happened by accident. And this is certainly not the meaning you intended for this poem, that much is clear.
Then: "Now when I see Nancy, she hugs me brutally." That's a great sentence. Again, prose.
"Once, death had no power over me." is a really terrible piece of writing. It's trite and maudlin, and worse, it's redundant because you say the same thing about a hundred times better in the following sentence, "He only skimmed me, struck the surface and skipped across." That is a really delicate and lovely description of the author's experience, or lack thereof, with death. Once again, it's prose. The rest of that stanza is also really great: "Together they sank, settled at the bottom of my head.
There's a lot of dirt down there. They stir it up." But again, it's good prose. It's not even remotely poetry. (A quick sidenote: I wouldn't presume to tell you how or what to feel, likewise I don't like being critical of your language choices because those decisions are the personal expression of the author and aren't within the purview of this criticism: that being said, I think you can come up with a better, perhaps more profound word than "dirt." "Dirt" is a great word, but here I think you could be more specific and therefore more effective. I don't know, like "sludge" or "silt" or "sediment" or something that has more specific meaning to the author than "dirt." Take that for what it's worth. Maybe "dirt" is exactly what you meant.)
Now here you do something that I find very frustrating. You say for the SECOND time that you have "nothing" to say, and then you keep writing. It would be okay, I think, if you did it with a sense of irony, or whimsy, like the guy who keeps saying he'll shut up, and then KEEPS saying that he'll shut up. You know, big laughs. But you don't do that. You keep saying you have nothing to say, and then you keep talking. I find that problematic.
Next you introduce the stone metaphor in a strange way. To me, any time an author mentions "thrown stones," I think it is largely impossible to overlook the Biblical reference. But you use the metaphor differently, and I found this confusing. I didn't understand if, by thrown stones, you meant "accusations" (again, the Biblical sense) or if you meant merely the addition of emotional weight or sheer violence. This was confusing to me. Because if you meant "accusations" then you didn't support it or describe it further, and I was left wondering what I had missed. But if you meant "added emotional weight," which is what I think you meant and is also far more interesting, then I think it would be more clear if those stones weren't "thrown." They can be tossed, or something, but "thrown stones" always evokes glass houses and false accusations when used in Western literature.
And now comes the crux of the poem, almost absurdly late. "Then comes the heaviest stone
Is it better to die fighting?" Finally you are asking the major dramatic question here, "which is worse?" This is a noble question, and one worthy of writing about, but you seem to have answered it largely before you even started writing. You give us a pretty gnarly description of the stabbing and then ask if that quick death is better or worse than the slow death that you hardly touch upon. I would have been more moved if I felt like the author was struggling with the question the whole time, rather than answering her own dilemma in the staging of her structure. It also makes me question my understanding of the poem, which may be a more reasonable response. Perhaps I only assume that this is the major dramatic question, but either way, I think you have the option of making it more clear one way or the other.
Lastly, I think you're very cute.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-12-06 21:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it'd be better if it weren't this and were tBItB instead.
get back on that.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-06 21:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, then you would llllloooovvvvveeee me.
prolly not, actually.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-06 19:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this much better on the second read.
This part:
I think of her parents.
Craig doesn't speak.
Now, when I see Nancy
She hugs me brutally.
I remember the night
Kathleen taught me origami,
And I think of my own sister.
..sounds a little too conversational to me. I agree this could make for great some great prose, too, even if it would be short.
I tend to have a hard time with punctuation in poetry. I know it's necessary sometimes but it often seems awkward to me. Personal choice.
The rest of this I really like.
And on a personal note, if this is all true, my thoughts are with you. And I'm sorry to say that the slow death is much, much worse. My mom and grandmom died young (gm before I was born), and I can't help but feel that chances are I'm not long for this world. In 3 years, I'll be as old as my mom was when she was diagnosed. But she fought like hell and I know I'd have to fight. It must be really painful to watch someone who refuses to fight.
If you ever want to talk about it, you know where to find me.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
damn apollo...
damn.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my rating is a poor indicator of quality, as i generally +2 anything that had some effort or thought put into it. or anything posted by one of the Flairs.
anyway, i liked this.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:02:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
ps- someone dear to my heart is going through something similar. she's not a quitter and it's inspiring. i just hope she gets her transplant before she dies. i don't know if there's hope for your sister, but i hope she doesn't lay down and take it even if her time is certainly limited. """
LISA'S DYING?????
WOO!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was not stabbed to death....I'm fairly certain.
+2 easel.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:48:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:36:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. dont let these nerdy fuckers on this website bring you down.
have a +2
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It's ok. If my self worth was affected by what people on the internet said about me, I'd be a pretty maladjusted individual.
---
or she'd be OathMeal...
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know why shlongy's comment made me laugh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is it just me, or do those cheeks look like they can store a shitload of semen?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 18:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps- someone dear to my heart is going through something similar. she's not a quitter and it's inspiring. i just hope she gets her transplant before she dies. i don't know if there's hope for your sister, but i hope she doesn't lay down and take it even if her time is certainly limited.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, i thought that stuff was used for aromatherapy so i assumed it smelled good.
i go outside sometimes, just not very often.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the handcuffs on the wall.
I'll read with a critical eye in a moment.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:41:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
patchouli oil? ...but why?
--
You know, so I can pretend you are a stinking hippie.
"Get your patchouli stink out of my store."
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope your sister does well with what time she has. She might not have a future, but there is always the present.
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She has more time than Lauren got. Argh.
She might even have years. Which is why what she said bothered me so much. Her statement came right on the heels of this girl's death.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
patchouli oil? ...but why?
(i had Ryan Reynold's line from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle in my head. "Marijuana? ...but why?" oh man, what a great scene.)
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hidden:
1) No, but it isn't technically mine.
2) Sure, just lather up in patchouli oil first and I can pretend.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
two questions-
1.) did you steal that lamp from a hotel?
2.) i'm clean and earn a decent salary. will you still use those handcuffs to restrain me while you fuck me up the ass with a strap-on and whip me?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Also, I think I have those same pants. Well, HAD them to be accurate. Washer ate them.
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:12:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting criticism, I will think about it. The stabbing metaphor is an interesting thought.
Craig = father
Nancy = mother
Kathleen = her sister, my friend
Yes, my sister is going to die eventually.
Yes, parts of my life have been violent, but not as violent as this.
I think this is an awkward poem because I had a lot of very strange, mixed emotions when I wrote it. It concerns the death of someone I barely knew, but whose sister boyfriend and I were close with. The violence of it stuck with me.
--------
Poetry is always personal, and especially so if writing about such a sensitive subject. It is hard to rewrite or accept criticism for a poem that personal. Details that seem better to me might strike you as completely wrong. Maybe it is better left with its flaws to preserve what you felt at the time.
I hope your sister does well with what time she has. She might not have a future, but there is always the present.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061206/sc_nm/blackhole_dc this is cool.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:06:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should give those baby sheets back to your mom to store away for your kids....
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They are quite a few years old. I'd invest in new ones if I wasn't planning on buying a bigger bed in a few months. Then again, I've been planning on that for the past year.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*my boyfriend and I
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And one more change just to push my review into obsessive territory-
I think of my sister.
For a moment
I am relieved.
God forgive me.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:02:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Disclaimer- I am in no way an expert on writing. Feel free to ignore this review. I just felt I owed you a decent review since you were probably right about a lot of good writers being ignored even though they were girls.
It was decent but a little uneven. The stone metaphor was a little forced and overused.
It's hard to compare something as benign as skipping stones with the contemplation of the imminent death of a relative. Maybe it's just me, but this just didnt seem to work. Maybe you could use a stabbing metaphor instead. Also, who are Kathleen and Nancy? Does she have two mothers?
The last 4 lines are the best.
Unless your sister is actually dying or you have led a violent life, maybe you should try to avoid using any violence in some of the next things you write. Write what you know may be trite, but I think it's good advice.
A heart doily over handcuffs? Nice.
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Ha, ha, my great grandmother made that doily-thingie for me.
Interesting criticism, I will think about it. The stabbing metaphor is an interesting thought.
Craig = father
Nancy = mother
Kathleen = her sister, my friend
Yes, my sister is going to die eventually.
Yes, parts of my life have been violent, but not as violent as this.
I think this is an awkward poem because I had a lot of very strange, mixed emotions when I wrote it. It concerns the death of someone I barely knew, but whose sister boyfriend and I were close with. The violence of it stuck with me.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should give those baby sheets back to your mom to store away for your kids....
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'm not dirty, but in three weeks without batheing i can be.
I sure as hell got no money.
Want to fuck, make babies, andl ive off the welfare the kids bring in?
Jut like black people?
OH SNAP!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Will you change my rating if I tell you it's a box of lens-cleaning towelettes? Ok, we'll stick with condoms.
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Disclaimer- I am in no way an expert on writing. Feel free to ignore this review. I just felt I owed you a decent review since you were probably right about a lot of good writers being ignored even though they were girls.
It was decent but a little uneven. The stone metaphor was a little forced and overused.
It's hard to compare something as benign as skipping stones with the contemplation of the imminent death of a relative. Maybe it's just me, but this just didnt seem to work. Maybe you could use a stabbing metaphor instead. Also, who are Kathleen and Nancy? Does she have two mothers?
The last 4 lines are the best.
If I were rewriting it-
There is nothing I can say.
In truth,I did not know her.
Craig doesn't speak.
Nancy hugs me brutally,
In place of her lost daughter.
I remember the night
She taught me origami.
So, no. There is nothing I can say.
Once, Death had no power over me.
He only skimmed past,
Brushed the surface and glanced across.
Then Lauren was struck.
Together they sank,
Disturbing the deep mud at the
Bottom of my heart.
Dirt I had not known of.
I think of my own sister.
God forgive me,
I am relieved.
I feel violent stabs.
On each is etched a question.
There is the why.
The how.
The who.
What was it like?
To be stabbed in the gut.
To lie there and feel the knife
Penetrate the belly,
Over and over,
Again and again?
Lauren dragged herself
Across indifferent grass
To the neighbor's yard.
At least, that is the story
The blood told.
She fought.
Then comes the deepest gash.
The long slow death
Crawling up my sister's back
Like a centipede.
It hooks its legs into her spine.
Many legs, and many scars.
My sister does not fight.
She says she has no future.
Is it better to die fighting?
What would that belly,
Its mouth opening,
Weeping like the Nile,
Say to her?
Unless your sister is actually dying or you have led a violent life, maybe you should try to avoid using any violence in some of the next things you write. Write what you know may be trite, but I think it's good advice.
A heart doily over handcuffs? Nice.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:00:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice box of condoms next to the bed too.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-06 17:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice box of condoms next to the bed too.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I chuckled.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like me?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:36:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. dont let these nerdy fuckers on this website bring you down.
have a +2
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It's ok. If my self worth was affected by what people on the internet said about me, I'd be a pretty maladjusted individual.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
The handcuffs on the wall make me wonder.....
----
heh, i just noticed that
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. dont let these nerdy fuckers on this website bring you down.
have a +2
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the name and the shirt, but you look like somebody pulled on the top half of your body until it got longer. Not a very noticable thing, but it's still there.
I'd fuck you.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
S'alright ICO. I've never claimed nor attempted to be anyone's dream girl.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a HUGE mouth.
Have you ever thought about sucking multiple penises for porn movies? I'm sure you could.
Also if I get no more Beast in the basement, I'm going to smack you
with my penis
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know... You're okay, I wouldn't avoid you. But to be brutally honest, you wouldn't be my first choice, either.
Oh, you wrote something, too, right.
Just kidding, I liked it, even though it seemed a little... y'know, off.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The handcuffs on the wall make me wonder.....
High five for the good story.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
im not sure... take off your clothes so i can decide
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God forgive me,
I am relieved.
-------
you are a hooker.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ghola, I've thought about converting it to prose. It would be kind of short though. I wrote it last year, and I haven't touched it since because I just didn't like thinking about it, for obvious reasons.
Can you be more specific about the line breaks? I feel line breaks are very important, so if there is something wrong with them, I'd like to work on it.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah +2 cause the title had my fucking NAME in it.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cute pic.
that being said, i like it, but something about your line breaks doesn't work for me. it's so serious and would almost work better in a more typical structure.
it's a tight knit little story and would probably work as prose with a couple of changes and development.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know what you need, spidergirl?
You need a Dorothy Hamill wedge haircut, that would frame your face better.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just noticed the handcuffs, auto +2 for you
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, super cute.
Now to actually read...
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-12-06 16:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then you must meet my brother..........
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-06 15:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck you...
...with a sledge hammer and a chainsaw.