Tatai - Part 2 - Email from a Pervert (492 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.91 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SlowlyRotting (View user info) at 2006-12-07 09:58:14 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96564
I began my third day of work with a pounding headache. The four Excedrin I'd gulped down seemed to have gotten lost on the way to my brain and had been too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.
Every phone ringing in the office was a jackhammer. Every pixel on my monitor was a neutron bomb. Every cough and sneeze from the surrounding cubes exploded in my head and the urge to vomit creeped into my throat and left me tasting stomach acid, which reminded me of Ivory soap for some strange reason.
I hurried into the bathroom, my shorter than average legs pumping like a midget's in a marathon, and I burst through the stall door just in time to aim last night's green bean casserole into the pearly-white ceramic bowl before me. The smell only made it worse. Gagging and crying like a bulimic supermodel that's just lost her cell phone, body spasms taking over my nervous system, the remainder of yesterday's supper came flying out of me. Drool and spew-bits hung from my mouth like thick spider webs from an old barn doorway.
I composed myself as best I could and wiped my face with toilet paper, and as I stood up the toilet flushed itself. I walked over to the sink and rinsed my mouth out with cold water, gargling and swishing the cool liquid through my teeth, around my tongue, and down my throat. Suddenly I thought about the green light.
I walked back into the stall, approaching the toilet. Remains of my body's expulsion still visible around the upper-inside of the bowl, I resisted the urge to gag, which might have brought on another spray. My still-watery eyes focused the tinted window, but it remained dark. I waved my hand around in front of it, walked back towards the stall door, and then approached the toilet again. It flushed, but the window stayed dark all the while.
I left the stall and walked over to the urinal, but this time the green light was flashing as soon as it was in my view. I wondered if it had been flickering on and off all the while, but somewhere deep down inside I knew that it hadn't started until I approached.
I turned to walk out and the urinal flushed. I left the bathroom and headed straight for my desk.
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I searched the internet for a few minutes before I found the manufacturer of the toilet, a company called Southern Plumbing Supply. The model of the toilet was poetically named "The Victorian", which brought to mind images more along the lines of bedpans than auto-flush toilets. I scanned the company's website but couldn't find any urinals that matched the one in our bathroom.
I continued my fruitless search for almost twenty minutes before my phone rang and I was rudely awakened back to the real world, where bathroom fixtures weren't out to get me, and I wasn't losing my mind.
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I had the same eerie dream that night.
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Thursday morning I arrived at work with a plan. I walked into the bathroom but stayed near the sink. With my arm outstretched, my body never going past the jutting wall divider between the mirror and the stalls, I poked my cell phone into the space where the urinal resided and snapped a picture. Pulling my arm back in, I could already tell that the picture would come out like crap without some kind of flash to light up the background.
An idea struck and the small LED light on my key chain seemed to call out to me from my pocket. I pulled it out and held it in my hand with the cell phone in a way that my fingers could hold the button on the light 'on', while still pushing the button on my phone to snap the photo. Again, I stretched out my arm and took the picture.
The LED light provided just enough illumination to lighten the small window that housed the motion-sensing hardware, but the green light was suspiciously missing. The picture lacked much detail, but I could swear, behind that little window, I saw something resembling a meatball with legs looking back at me.
"I'm losing it. I'm really fucking losing it."
The sound of my own voice startled me and my eyes darted around reflexively. The ceramic-covered machine flushed.
"Fuck this. It's a fucking urinal."
I stepped past the divider wall and the green light in the urinal window pulsated rapidly. I aimed my little light at the window and shone it through. A fast movement from inside the window made me jump again, the adrenaline making my heart hurt like I'd just eaten too much spicy chili.
My first instinct was to run out of the bathroom into the busy, bright, and safe office. I had to remind myself that I was a full-grown man. My imagination was running wild and I was making a huge deal over a fucking toilet.
The green light flashed again, and I convinced myself that the only way I was going to be able to walk out of this bathroom without feeling like a pussy was if I pissed in this urinal, right now.
I walked up to it, green light pulsing like the flashes of a thousand Martian paparazzi, and I undid my pants.
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Sitting back down at my desk, I felt a whole lot better. The sounds of the office brought me out of the foggy depths of my mind and I pulled up my Lotus Notes and replicated.
Seven emails popped up, all of the addresses recognizable as either intra-company memos or leads, or requests from potential customers; all except for one. The address was simply listed as "tatai".
"Ha! Spam blocker missed one." I thought to myself, clicking on the item to delete it. Somehow, my finger slipped, and I accidentally double-clicked the message. My screen turned white as it loaded the image-embedded email.
"Aww Shit." The words came out slow and deliberate. Thoughts began running round and round through my mind like a Special Olympics race. I'd just downloaded a damn worm, it would go out to every other user on the network and get traced back to me, and naturally I'd have to deal with IT's bullshit for weeks.
Nothing could have prepared me for what popped onto my screen. The picture was an odd shade of green, but the image was clear as daylight. It was my penis.
User Reviews
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There we go. Punchlines await in the next chapter, which I will be reading after I clicked 'Rank'
Nice writing!
Submitted by Brandnamecommercial (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More!
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice. Very nice. Can't wait for the next.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 19:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you've taken my advice. Excellent, young Jedi.
******
Who da fuck are YOU calling young?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 19:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weird.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. This:
Gagging and crying like a bulimic supermodel that's just lost her cell phone
Frickin hilarious.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-07 14:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
niiiiiiiiice
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah - much better
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 10:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you've taken my advice. Excellent, young Jedi.