The worst (or best) date ever... (992 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.11 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by combatwombat (View user info) at 2006-12-07 11:48:36 EST
About two years ago, on a warm sunny Sunday, I was driving home from work down I-71. I had my favorite song playing over my car stereo; cranked up just high enough to drown out my own singing but not so high as to distort the music. I was easily doing ten or fifteen miles over the speed limit but didn't care too much about getting pulled over because, well, I'm a cop. I had just made my first big arrest during the previous night's shift, was making the front page of the local paper, and didn't have a care in the world.
I slowed my vehicle as I approached the exit ramp, still jamming to my music, and came to a stop at the red light. I glanced over to my right, and sitting in the car next to me was the most gorgeous female specimen I had recently laid eyes on. As most men will, my eyes did not lock onto anything above her chest and by the time we made eye contact, she had been staring at me for several seconds. It was summer time, and I had the top down on my convertible, making it easy for her to toss a small object into it. Before I could react and investigate the tossed object, she had already made a right turn and was nearly out of sight. Three annoyed honks later, I discovered the light was green, and continued on my way.
I had almost forgotten about the mysterious object by the time I reached my house. After exiting my vehicle, I suddenly remembered and went about searching for it, fearing that it had blown away. Just as I was about to give up, I located a folded piece of paper rubber-banded around a small flat rock. I took the piece of paper, unfolded it, discarded the flat rock amongst my landscaping, and proceeded to read:
I USUALLY DON'T DO THIS, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. PLEASE CALL ME...
440-23*-93**
I thought what I hope most guys would think after reading something like this: "This girl's bat-shit crazy and there's no way I'm going to call her."
So I went inside, picked up the phone, and dialed her number.
After two-and-a-half rings, a voice equally as beautiful the woman I remembered greeted me. I learned that she lived close by, and several other inconsequential facts about her. We spoke for about an hour, making no definitive plans for anything, and hung up cordially.
These pleasant and educational phone conversations continued for about a week before we made plans to go out. I arrived at the designated place and time to pick her up, and was only momentarily caught off guard by the small wooden ramp that spanned the space between the front walk and the front door. I assumed this was either for another family member, or had been built by a previous occupant.
So I walked to the door and knocked.
Almost immediately the door opened rather swiftly, and a large bald-headed man stood in front of me. He grabbed my hand, shook it violently, and informed me that his daughter would be along shortly. He then pulled me very close to him and whispered into my ear,
"If you make my daughter cry, I will fucking end you."
Just then, his daughter appeared before me. Or should I say, a little below me. Because the ramp was not for anyone else. The ramp was not built by a previous occupant. The ramp was for this beautiful wheel-chair bound woman standi...er... sitting before me.
It took every ounce of self-control I had not to show my surprise, horror, shock, or whatever you want to call it. I just smiled, asked her if she was ready, and helped her into my car.
After her wheelchair was secured in the trunk of my sports car, she decided that she wanted to go to a movie. After deciding on a theater and a show time, we were on our way.
I must say, I was not nearly as embarrassed as I thought I would be by accompanying a handicapped woman into a movie theater. After all, she was beautiful. Half-way through, we found ourselves holding hands, rubbing fingers, and not really paying any attention to the movie. I had actually forgotten, at one point, that she was confined to a wheelchair. It wasn't until the movie was over, and I had to help her maneuver out of her seatless space, that the truth came back to me. The date had gone well, but I had no hope for any romance or tests of physical agility. This girl was confined to a wheelchair for reasons unknown to me, and who knew if her equipment still worked?
We drove most of the way home rather silently until we passed a small and unlit park area.
"Wait! Let's pull in here for a minute."
I did as I was told, and no sooner had I put the car in park did she grab my shirt, look me in the eye and demand I fuck her.
"But... um.. how... can... um... huh?"
"Don't be stupid. Just take me over to those monkey bars. I'll grab onto them and you can fuck me standing up!"
"Um... but... uhhh.... okay."
And fuck we did. Whatever was wrong with legs definitely did not effect what was between them. She was screaming so wildly and loudly, it sounded like she was inviting the wildlife to attend our live porn show.
Once we were done, I helped her back into the car, and we began the drive home. When we arrived at her house, I unloaded the wheelchair, helped her into it, and wheeled her up the ramp to her front door. Her dad had obviously been anticipating my return and looked rather pleased to see the smile on his daughter's face. With him standing right there, I bent down, gave her a small kiss on the cheek, and turned on my heels to head back to my car. Right as I was about to reach the door handle, her dad spoke from behind me.
"Wait son, I want to thank you."
"Th- thank me for what?"
He stuck his hand out and took mine once more.
"I want to thank you for showing my girl a good time. She doesn't get out often and I just want her to be happy. Take this."
It wasn't until he said, "take this," that I realized he was handing me something while shaking my hand. I looked down to my palm and saw a fifty dollar bill.
"No, Sir. I couldn't. Really it was my pleasure."
"Don't be silly, I insist. This will help cover the expenses and what not."
"No, really, I couldn't take your mon-"
"Take the fucking money you little shit. The last four guys just left her hanging on the monkey bars!"
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I told this three times at work. Now everyone hates me.
Combatwombat forever.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 06:55:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:14:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:29:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:42:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for a decent story.
-2 because it's been done before.
-2 for being a cop.
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i sense a tard who got raped in a county jail after he got busted for vandalizing his high school
----------------
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
----------------
And I sense a waste of human flesh whose probably been caught fucking sheep one too many times, or is that legal where you're from? Dumb motherfuckers (by the way it's ONE word you dult), and counterfeit authority huh? Tell me how our authority is "counterfeit"? I do believe it's the most authentic and real form of authority in existence. Dumb... is that why my agency requires a four-year degree and 32 weeks of intensive training? Is that why my department has saved more lives in this past year than any other emergency service in the state? You can take your cheap shots at me and say what you want, but when you insult the profession in general, that's where I take exception. Your nonsensical comments about law enforcement make you look simple and challenged. You remember that NEXT time your daughter/wife/girlfriend/mother/self gets raped (because I'm pretty certain you already have been/should be, and forced impregnation is how you were conceived) and you have no one else to call but the police. You remember how dumb we are and how "fake" our authority is when we're the only thing standing between you and a bullet to the head, because if it was me, I'd put it there for you. You fucking creton.
---------------
el oh el
Dumb fucks. I rest my case.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I told this joke for the first time...
40 years ago, when I was in second grade.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahhahaha
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He was probably a police hopeful at some point in time, but because of some kiddie porn on the computer he's ineligible.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:10:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:00:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
---------------------------------------
my senses are never wrong. there's something called "Boudreaux's Butt Paste" you might wanna use on your swollen anus. next time you're in lockup, find a skinhead and be his bitch, their dicks are usually smaller than the brothers.
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Beaux, at first, I kinda didn't like you... you're quickly becoming a favorite. If it means anything to you.
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I just went back and read this douchebag's post. apparently he got beat up by a couple of cops and now he's bitter. i love how people who make $7/hour bagging groceries at Piggly Wiggly talk shit about a cop's education & salary.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:00:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
---------------------------------------
my senses are never wrong. there's something called "Boudreaux's Butt Paste" you might wanna use on your swollen anus. next time you're in lockup, find a skinhead and be his bitch, their dicks are usually smaller than the brothers.
----------------------------------------
Beaux, at first, I kinda didn't like you... you're quickly becoming a favorite. If it means anything to you.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
---------------------------------------
my senses are never wrong. there's something called "Boudreaux's Butt Paste" you might wanna use on your swollen anus. next time you're in lockup, find a skinhead and be his bitch, their dicks are usually smaller than the brothers.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-08 09:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
amused me, tohugh ive heard it before... small flat rock was a tip off, who jsut happens to have tohse laying around in the car... and we all know you cant find a good rock when you want one while stopped at a light/stop sign... unless its a dirt road.... then its a 50/50 shot
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Just
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 06:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:14:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:29:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:42:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for a decent story.
-2 because it's been done before.
-2 for being a cop.
-------------------------------
i sense a tard who got raped in a county jail after he got busted for vandalizing his high school
----------------
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
----------------
And I sense a waste of human flesh whose probably been caught fucking sheep one too many times, or is that legal where you're from? Dumb motherfuckers (by the way it's ONE word you dult), and counterfeit authority huh? Tell me how our authority is "counterfeit"? I do believe it's the most authentic and real form of authority in existence. Dumb... is that why my agency requires a four-year degree and 32 weeks of intensive training? Is that why my department has saved more lives in this past year than any other emergency service in the state? You can take your cheap shots at me and say what you want, but when you insult the profession in general, that's where I take exception. Your nonsensical comments about law enforcement make you look simple and challenged. You remember that NEXT time your daughter/wife/girlfriend/mother/self gets raped (because I'm pretty certain you already have been/should be, and forced impregnation is how you were conceived) and you have no one else to call but the police. You remember how dumb we are and how "fake" our authority is when we're the only thing standing between you and a bullet to the head, because if it was me, I'd put it there for you. You fucking creton.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:29:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:42:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for a decent story.
-2 because it's been done before.
-2 for being a cop.
-------------------------------
i sense a tard who got raped in a county jail after he got busted for vandalizing his high school
----------------
You sense wrong, but I sense I touched a nerve. Tell me, is your daddy a cop? Maybe you are? Lol, cops are easy targets because they are dumb mother fuckers. When they aren't hiding behind their counterfeit authority they prove to be as useless as the criminals they bust.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:07:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNEW it was bullshit... but I just couldn't figure out why.
Good delivery.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Aha!! it's a JOKE!!
fucker!!
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:42:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for a decent story.
-2 because it's been done before.
-2 for being a cop.
-------------------------------
i sense a tard who got raped in a county jail after he got busted for vandalizing his high school
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNEW it was bullshit... but I just couldn't figure out why.
Good delivery.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for a decent story.
-2 because it's been done before.
-2 for being a cop.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:41:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not at all - Doodles just has aspirations of running for President some day.
---
Fuck that, I want to be the male version of monica lewinsky
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not at all - Doodles just has aspirations of running for President some day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:21:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
haha pretty good.
---
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I choked on the penis- I mean BANANNA I was currently suck...eating.
on an unrelated note, i believe we have found the only person lucky enough to have never heard hollaback girl.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHHAAHAHHAAAHHAHHA
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hee Hee Hee. Great ending.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:57:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
I just looked in my inbox. That's only there 27 times in the past month.
Great use of your time.
---
hmm - I've heard of this before, and I've seen em all.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God yes! The ending almost made me choke on my friggin Ramen. Fuck yeah!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not real? Damnit!
And here I was thinking that there were only 1000 combinations to dial if I wanted to figure out that number.
000: "Hi! Are you wheelchairbound, and like fucking on monkey bars? No? OK."
001: "Hi! Are you wheelchairbound, and like fucking on monkey bars? No? OK."
002: "Hi! Are you wheelchairbound, and like fucking on monkey bars? No? OK."
.
.
.
Submitted by Lizz_Zero (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanted a happy ending :(
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:26:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror II
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:43:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't post stuff you receive in an e-mail forward.
--------------
Like I said below, it's all in the delivery. I wouldn't dare post anything on here word for word.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't post stuff you receive in an e-mail forward.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror II
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha pretty good.
---
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I choked on the penis- I mean BANANNA I was currently suck...eating.
on an unrelated note, i believe we have found the only person lucky enough to have never heard hollaback girl.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The only thing funny about this post:
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Minus two all the way until the last line.
Then I choked on the penis- I mean BANANA I was currently suck...eating.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'm from the uk and I must of read it in FHM about 3-5 years ago.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for delivery.
But Old man.
-Dave
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have never heard that one...
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's like The Aristocrats... it's all in the delivery and the details.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:56:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Old joke but totally forgot it
------------
I'm wondering if this joke only circulated in America, or if those in the UK, Canada, and Australlia have heard a form of it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-07 12:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Seen this joke in a forward or somewhere before, but it did make me smile...
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pretty sure I read something almost identical to this on Uber, except he tied her to a tree.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just looked in my inbox. That's only there 27 times in the past month.
Great use of your time.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Old joke but totally forgot it
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Minus two all the way until the last line.
Then I choked on the penis- I mean BANANNA I was currently suck...eating.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-12-07 11:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice work