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Ribald For Her Pleasure (a "Tragickal Hatery" Prequel) (2133 hits)

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Rating: 1.83 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-12-07 13:29:13 EST

Happy (late) Uberversary, Voltage. You little fophaired Fauntleroy, you.

Ribald for Her Pleasure

Dramatis Personae

THE POPE.
THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY.

VOLTAGE.
INION_DE_TRUA, friend to Voltage.

TTOM & BRDN_NKD, penniless wretches.
FORTHEWIN, master condommaker.
AXOLOTL, his assistant.
SUSIE_DERKINS, rubbermaid of Vibrato.

A PIKEMAN.
A HUSSY.
A GRANDMOTHER.

SCOURGE.
SACRILICIOUS, friend to scourge.

LISA, a dog.

Chorus.

---

~ CHORUS ~
A man and woman, each a fool to Love,
A couple uncoupled yet still a pair
In old Vibrato, whose streets offer now
A stolen glimpse into their very hearts;
Where strangers before now stand well-met mates
Matching hand to hand, humming idle songs
To one another while hiding secrets,
That old game: he, the shame of a debt owed,
She, a veil pulled o'er the face of her heart,
Were all lovers true and gentle and pure
And every kiss shared given honestly
The Fates would ne'er conspire and play false
Mankind, nor force it suffer for its sins,
But just as every lover is untrue
To a degree, and every kiss a lie,
Look now to the streets of old Vibrato,
Past its humming bustle and busy pulse,
Look to the two lovers and see the play
Of ages act out its human drama:

SCENE 1: A STREET IN VIBRATO

VOLTAGE and INION DE TRUA discovered on the street.

~ INION ~
Speak now, lover, and share with me your mind
On my offer to give you my behind.

~ VOLTAGE ~
It...er...um...is not that I care little
For your amorous generosity,
Your mind is as open as the blue sky
And you are as pure as untrodden snow,
But you are bold dear! I fear I am not
As graphic in speech as your woman's soul
Would desire.

~ INION ~
(Aside) He voices his shortcoming!
So long have I waited for this moment!
(to Voltage) Come sit with me, my love, but a moment
And let me share with you a secret kept
Hidden from you too long: a wanton tongue
Resides within this capable mouth, yet
No such muscle moves in your head. This sucks.
O how I have longed to hear you shout "Slut!"
And scream obscenities at me that would
Make a monk blush and quicken his vitals!
Grab mine hair and twist it in your fist whilst
Naming me a naughty whore! O! O! O!

INION is overcome and, flushed, loses herself.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Did your feminine beach just break a wave?
Holy crow! It often takes me hours with
My spindly little fingers to make you
Crest like a falcon in the summertime.
So you would have me talk with forkéd tongue
To pleasure you? I think I can do that.

~ INION ~
Try now, vile cockmaster of my heart, and
If ye should succeed I will slurp sexsauce
From you as oysters falling from their shells.
I will murder your children with a gulp.
Speak, man. I will play the nub.

INION begins to work her nethers like a slaveowner.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Ok...bad girl?
Thou art as naughty as a schoolboy who
Did not learn Latin! Naughty-naughty-no!
I will...I will take you home...

~ INION ~
Yes?

~ VOLTAGE ~
And I...

~ INION ~
YES?

~ VOLTAGE ~
I WILL THROW YOU TO YOUR KNEES...

~ INION ~
OH YES!

~ VOLTAGE ~
AND I'LL...I'LL...CUT YOUR GIRL HAM IN TWAIN WITH
MY BLUNT SKINBLADE! I'LL FLIPPIN' STICK MY FOOT
IN YOUR SHE-BOOT AND WALK A MILE OR MORE!
YES! YES I WILL! I WANT YOUR SHE-SCALLOPS
IN MY MOUTH! I WANT YOUR STINK ON MY FACE!

~ INION ~
DEFLATE!

~ DEFLATED INION NETHERS ~
PFFFFFFFFFTBBTBBTHTHTHTHTHTHHPBBBBBBBBBBT

~ INION ~
I can't believe you! That's the best you've got?
It seems, my love, your manly backbone's shot
And you have lost your balls. If you find them,
Seek me out so you may fish for fuck trout
In my noble, unstirred slutty waters.
Adieu, jerk.

INION leaves.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Oh me, how sad times have fallen! How now
Should I presume to procure pollen from
The flower if my stinger pricks but low?
My mind must be as acc'rate as a bow
For killing Frenchmen, yet no archer I,
No quiver or armor do I espy
Surrounding the God-given mind I hold
And fill with knowledge, courtesy and old
Stories from days turned dust by passing time,
Would that I had a trick to make her mine
Again, something simple yet capable!
I must pee. Break, water! I cast you out!

VOLTAGE begins to pee in an alley. From below his stream, TTOM and BRDN_NKD begin to shout.

~ TTOM ~
Oi! We may be beggars but that dinnae give
You th'right to take a piss on us! Bampot!

~ VOLTAGE ~
I am so sorry! Accept my humblest
Apologies, for I did not mean to
Spill my waste upon you. What can I do?

~ BRDN_NKD ~
Can you spare a ducat? I am so poor
I cannot afford vowels, and no man
Should be named in such fashion.

~ TTOM ~
'Least you have
Words, pie eater! I smella cheese and night dirt
And cannae put enough pence together
To create more'an these mean letters! 'Sblood!

~ BRDN_NKD ~
Your whizz, sirrah, is rather delightful,
Perchance did you eat apples at vespers?
If you have more to give I would enjoy
Another squirt, 'twould cover up the duke
That has held court in my beshitted pants
Since Pentecost.

~ TTOM ~
Gies a jingle then,
Forra bellywasher, muckin' about
An a fair amounta windae-hingin!

VOLTAGE gives them some money. BRDN coughs. VOLTAGE empties the rest of his bladder on him and sends a little TTOM's way.

~ TTOM ~
Hinka cumfae cashore canfeh? Ahl hityi
Oar hied 'caw taughtie! Gin awa' doon
The toon n git mi a bottle o thon
Ginger n dinnae hing aboot neither!

~ VOLTAGE ~
What??

~ BRDN_NKD ~
Nevermind that sot. Here's the score, yo:
We overheard you and your lady fair,
Couldn't help it, you see - we live here,
You need to man up, son! Get your freak on!
Bend her over a table and knight her
Maidenhead with your spongy Lancelot!
Anoint her pope with your jism-chrism!
Split her lips like a woodsman hoping to
Fall enough oak trees to build a brothel!
Skeet-shoot her cleft bird! Lick her under-eye!
Certainly you have thought these things before?

~ VOLTAGE ~
Marry, but all the time! I was raised pure,
You see, and have never uttered curses
Or cries of villainy before! It is
Not for me, I fear, yet it must be lest
I lose the would-be strumpet that God has
Given to me! Prithee, what do I do?

~ TTOM ~
Whits fur ye'll no gin by ye, arse bandit!

~ BRDN_NKD ~
Want my advice, sirrah? A maiden comes
This way around this time, and she serves the
Finest craftsman in all Vibrato;
She will gain you audience, for a price,
But I have heard tell it is worth paying
For tricky dicks and sheathéd swords he makes
And pleasures his magic dongs often prove.
But soft, she comes. We will away. Come back
And pee on me again anytime - your vintage
Makes my heart fall down go boom. It makes
My ass smell pretty.

~ TTOM ~
Aye my Auntie!

TTOM and BRDN_NKD disappear under pile of alley-rubbish.
SUSIE_DERKINS enters, carrying a basket.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Why hello there.

~ DERKINS ~
Why hello there yourself. Buttsecks?

~ VOLTAGE ~
Excuse me?

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
You seek buttsecks, do you not? Not with me
I mean, but with your partner. I'm a seer, see.
Futures passed and past futures as charted
Stars upon rolled-flat skin in a captain's
Hand are mine for the viewing; that, and it
Is written all over your face. You seem
A troubled sort, and well off, which makes you
Exactly the kind of man my employ
Has taught me to look for.

~ VOLTAGE ~
I seek courage,
Truly, that I may unlock my inner
Whoreson and prove my mettle to my love.
However, a little present could not
Hurt either. Show me your wares, milady.

SUSIE_DERKINS removes the cover from her basket and withdraws a large horse cock, recently amputated. Then, a vial of bullsperm. Finally, a metal glove flashing the shocker with feathers along its palm.

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
These are but baubles, the store has better
Items. Come, let us away.

~ VOLTAGE ~
I will do
What must be done to make my love feel like
Guttertrash. Lead on, dear savior!

VOLTAGE and SUSIE_DERKINS exit.

-

Scene 2: INSIDE FORTHEWIN'S SEXXE SHOPPE

FORTHEWIN, AXOLOTL and VOLTAGE discovered inside the shoppe.

~ FORTHEWIN ~
Ah yes, I know well your state of mind sir,
For many are the simpletons that charge
To my counter in search of lion's paw,
Bear's heart, or potent elixirs sure to
Free their mortal tongues for slutty telling,
Bitchish loquacity, and whorish words.
They are many, and they are all The Fool.
In you I see Fortune and Opportunity,
Venus commanding, aye, but Saturn the
Dominator, veiled, hidden, it is but
For you to free him from the streaking stars
And set him loose upon your love's fair ears
Then, and only then, will she respect
You while busting your nuts.

~ VOLTAGE ~
So you're saying
You have nothing for me? For confidence?

~ FORTHEWIN ~
I could mix fine powders, newt's eye, deer lung
And nightshade to sell you liar's magic,
Certes, but I am no such vile villain.
Dust and drinkéd drug are impotent shades,
Yet if you partake of what my hands made
Recently from elements of Ethiop
And Egyptian husbandry, I assure
You your woman will smile with both her lips,
What's more, she'll never let you from her hips,
Insisting you absolve her naughty sins,
That's why, you see, I say they're "for the win."

~ VOLTAGE ~
Are you for reals?

~ FORTHEWIN ~
O ya rly for reals.
Boy! Fetch me hence my latest creation!

AXOLOTL scurries away, returning quickly with THE JAMES HAT.

~ AXOLOTL ~
Weet.

~ FORTHEWIN ~
Perhaps the finest craftsmanship this
Side of Florence, this helmet hat would chide
The ignorant lover and shame the man
So vain to think himself a sheeted god;
Made from true animals, genuine shaft, skin
Hollowed and tanned, sides dressed in whalebone
To tickle every hidden fancy owed
A woman by birth and design, the stink
Of running ram still persistent in folds,
Come, look, discover the trace of she-blood
Staining the tip! Hymen split before death!
This is a good omen!

~ AXOLOTL ~
Super weet!

~ VOLTAGE ~
Wait,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait...WAIT.
YOU'RE SAYING THAT'S A REAL ANIMAL DICK?

~ AXOLOTL ~
What'd you think it was? Plastic? We don't
Even know what that IS yet.

~ FORTHEWIN ~
I'm sorry
I thought you understood how all this works;
Men have been sheathing their pork swords for years
In old, hollowed animal penises,
How do you think "pork sword" came about, hmm?
Yeah, pig dicks. Look it up. So what say you?

~ VOLTAGE ~
(Aside) Balls! He has me at a disadvantage!
I will take it! My love requires pleasure
Greater than the average woman, though I
Do not know how this will fit inside her.
These bones will not fracture and tear her up
Will they?

~ FORTHEWIN ~
Nay, sirrah - it is ribbed for her pleasure,
To tickle pink and stretch her, a measure
Employed by Vasecto di Mi in Rome
Before the burning and barbarians,
Came, before Nero fucked it up for the normals.

FORTHEWIN wraps THE JAMES HAT in an old sock.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Grammercy, sir, you have saved a life.

~ AXOLOTL ~
Weet!

VOLTAGE exits, discoveres SUSIE_DERKINS on the street.

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
You found inside but half of what you seek
Your wang will be strong but your soul still meek,
What good is dazzled, armored prick to you
If words and fuck flattery do not woo
Your woman's heart and set it to beating,
The hammer on the anvil strikes, repeating:
The chains around your churlish tongue must break
Or else no love with Inion you'll make.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Seriously, on the level, all this
Spooky "I know everything about you"
Stuff is starting to chap my bookish ass.
Pray tell, do you oft carouse with strangers
And veil yourself in muted mystery?

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
Honestly, I feel as if I owe you.

~ VOLTAGE ~
For?

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
For that whole Larsen thing.

~ VOLTAGE ~
What thing?

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82935#1804451

~ VOLTAGE ~
...

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
Yeah. "..." You were good then, by mine low-beard
I say true. Real good. And so I repay,
As girls good will e'er repay their debts
Lest Satan trap them in his rancid nets
And in the Pit force them to scream his name
Which sounds an awful lot like Herb---

~ CHORUS ~
NO! NO! WE WILL NOT FUCKING TOLERATE
ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS BULLSHIT! WE HATE
HAVING TO SLAP OUR FOREHEADS EVERY TIME
ONE OF YOU ASSBALLS STUPIDLY DROPS HIS
NAME AND RUINS THE WHOLE TO-DO. AND THEN
IT'S ALL "OH!" "NOES!" "DAMNIT!" BECAUSE
HUMAN FOLLY GOT IN THE WAY OF A
DECENT STORY. THERE WILL BE NO DEVIL
TODAY, TOMORROW OR THE DAY AFTER!
NO DEVIL OR NO CHRISTMAS FOR ANYONE
DO YOU HEAR US? WELL DO YOU? THIS IS NOT
BUSH LEAGUE PSYCH-OUT STUFF - THIS IS THE REAL DEAL!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!

The CHORUS stabs SUSIE_DERKINS 152 times.

~ SUSIE_DERKINS ~
Voltage...seek you a man named Scourge.

~ SUSIE'S BLOOD-FILLED THROAT ~
GURGLE! RATTLE!

SUSIE_DERKINS dies.

The CHORUS gives VOLTAGE the STINKEYE.

~ STINKEYE ~
STINK!

~ VOLTAGE ~
Ok, ok, I get it. I'm outta here.
Damn, yo.

VOLTAGE exits.

-

Scene 3: YE OLDE PARKE OF ALTERS

SCOURGE, VOLTAGE and SACRILICIOUS discovered by the parke.

~ SCOURGE ~
My friend you spin a fanciful tale, true,
An' mine eye perceives why Susie sent you
Hence to me -- my maiden I forswear is
Of your budding flower's sweet persuasion,
Anon I shall her inverted asian
Eye open and caress with my britches'
Bounty, shall saddle her untamed warmare
With nothing but my words and floppy whip,
The elastic staff of my Little John
Who shall rob her hood, her knot, her ham, yes,
And give the gold not to the English Isle
But to my coinpurse, hairless for a while.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Well met, well met indeed - I'll have you know
Ere our coupling came to pass that I, too,
Used 'ham' in naughty talk! What a pair we make!
I think you have the skills I need to repair
The damage done by a pure and too-well
Trusted mouth. What say you?

~ SCOURGE ~
To learn by
Observation is the simplest degree
You shall earn today. Mark me, mark me well.
Assume the position, scarlet harlot!

SACRILICIOUS sits upon a bench and crosses her legs at the knee.

~ SCOURGE ~
You want it bad, don't you my lusty bawd?
Want to ring my mission bell and signal
Prime, then Terce then Sext to the neighbors
Just beyond the wall of our small dwelling?
My dong weighs a tonne, swing casually dear
Lest you suffer a concussion, grow deaf
From its ringing peal; you would like to shake
My tree of life for apples, like Eve
Before, the all-Mother, seeking nectar
But you will only find a wonder worm
Upon the branch, wriggling and insistent
On striking new ground within your ripe form.
Do I detect a whiff of wind-borne blood?

SACRILICIOUS begins to circle around and rock her hips.

~ SCOURGE ~
Are you in heat? Your other hole I'll take
To task, then, as a serpent seeking milk,
Insinuating as Dutch-dyke fingers,
Yet ever straight as penile arrows go,
Starfish. Bullseye. Thrusting you forward as
Wooden mermaids upon a seaward ship,
Hip handed and back-stomached, making you
My poppet puppet, ventriloquist act,
Throwing voices and making your mouth move
Not with fingered slide but dangled colon.

SACRILICIOUS starts to drool.

~ SCOURGE ~
Play the harpsicord of my vas defrans!
Strike a tune with my fuckflute and ball drums!
With sheulltine behead my upstart king!
I beg your bearded man ingest my tuber!
Slather yourself with my white curry and
Tell me you are from distant Calcutta,
That I may treat you as a brute savage
And, for king and country, ravish your hide
With my waking, beakéd plucked falcon,
Inking your octo-puss with new delight,
Your pucker tight upon my glistening mule
Kicking, always kicking, spurned by prostate
Pulse and evicting the dregs of my bop bag
In huddled lines upon the Bedlam of your brow.

SACRILICIOUS basically just loses it and totally Os all over the place.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Bravo, my good man! Bravo indeed sir!
But tell me, how are you so free with words?
I will speak plainly - I am envious.

~ SCOURGE ~
The trick is not to care, chumley, care not
For what she will think of you come morning,
She would not be with you otherwise, nay?
The time has passed when you would suffer harm:
You have the cow secured upon the farm.

~ VOLTAGE ~
But what if mine words are too savage or
Too brutal, too direct and too potent?
What if in the throes of passion play I
Shout aloud "You are rubbish as a lay,
Now fuck me doubly hard or get the boot,
Put your back into it, slave!" You know?

~ SCOURGE ~
A woman cares but for one thing: action,
And if you're scared to give her satisfaction
She will, in short, seek out a greener field
One with a larger cock to crow and yield
Harvests greater than your own; My God, man
Grow a set and claim your throne! Come, let us
Away to yonder park to practice things,
To prove you have a spine, can talk the talk
Of villainy and lust...come, let us walk.
Remember: there be alters here throughout
So say whate'er you like, yes scream and shout,
For no one here will ever know your name,
Indulge your deepest dreams and know no shame.

VOLTAGE and SCOURGE come upon a PIKEMAN.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Say there...butt boy, would you know the time, or
Were your learning years spent tonguing your mom?
(Aside) Oh my! That was fantastic!

~ PIKEMAN ~
Whassat!?? What's your name, you cad?

~ VOLTAGE ~
Um...Jewtoast.
Gayasspikemansayswhat?

~ PIKEMAN ~
What?

~ VOLTAGE ~
HAHAHA!
I TOTALLY GOT YOU!

VOLTAGE and SCOURGE take their boots to the PIKEMAN.

~ VOLTAGE ~
My friend, what thrills
This brings to my young heart; I have not felt
This way since I shat in my sister's applesauce
When I was a child! But soft, another!

VOLTAGE and SCOURGE come upon a HUSSY.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Say there...fishwife, I detect warm tuna
Upon the summer wind - is there a wharf
Below your belt? Have you snared a grouper
Between your pale, unshavéd walking sticks?
My God, it's now as if a gutted carp
Has suffered Apollo's rage and emptied
Its bones into your gash! Do you a rash
Possess or are these sores from some new pox?
Has a man of late strangled you by your
Ample under-chin while feeding you his
Unwashed and scab-caked Staff of Ra, only
To shake your face about and make farting
Sounds with his pleasured lips? You could not make
My jub-jub twitch by sitting on a fist
And painting my name with breastmilk upon
Canvassas bare. I spit upon you, wretch!
I, the man called...hmm...Michael Jackson.

~ SCOURGE ~
Are you sure you have ne'er done this before?
You take to it like a man to doing
His sister, which is to say quickly and
Without as much remorse as he'd expect.

~ VOLTAGE ~
I feel so alive! So this is what the
Poets spoke of during the Golden Age,
The promise of Abraham and the true
Simple nature of the human spirit!
I am now living a transparent life!
Free! Free as rain upon a rolling storm!
Yet I have only sampled my anger;
I must attempt a seduction.

VOLTAGE trips over a LISA THE DOG.

~ LISA ~
WOOF!

~ VOLTAGE ~
CUNT!

VOLTAGE kicks LISA THE DOG into the river. She drowns, her eyes eaten by fish and her innards consumed by swans. VOLTAGE and SCOURGE come upon a GRANDMOTHER.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Greetings, ancient deep-wrinkled mother
I come to you in possession of wang
True and mighty, with popping veins, tender
Head and brim-full of future progeny;
You have not seen one like this, I'm certain,
But once it has parted your dusty curtains
You will understand, folded in half like
Bread around beefsteak, bunioned feet dancing
In the air as angels by my two ears.
I will do you so hard you will lose teeth,
Spit out over your raisin tits as pearls
Freed upon the ocean floor, brittle bones
I fear may prove your undoing as I
Will move you to my liking and likely
Shatter your hips or collarbones. Pity.

The GRANDMOTHER has a heart attack and, overcome, dies.

~ SCOURGE ~
In faith, I see you did not need at all
My assistance much; you are capable
Of speaking your own mind true. Now pardon me
But I have someone to do.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Too true, fagouche, it seems I needed not
You, or your time, or your petty advice,
The time we spent together now was nice
But if you think I will thank you then you
Are as mistaken as your mother when
She sucked me off and thought me your father.
Unlucky for her. Unlucky for me,
For she was rubbish.

~ SCOURGE ~
Well now. Methinks you have become too big
For your bodkin. Your codpiece, however,
Is still smaller than a chipmunk's twat.
Stay your hand and child's mouth...and thank me.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Thank YOU? For opening my ere-ope eye?
You were but catalyst to chemicals
Mine and metered for years inside my heart.
Your lover's breath will soon smell like my farts.

~ SCOURGE ~
That wind should move through such an overused
Port for sailor pud would be a miracle,
Tell me how exactly air could find time
To flow through your cumstained intestines with
All that cock churning butter within you?

~ VOLTAGE ~
Isn't it time for your penis to be
Leeched? Disease moves quickly otherwise.

~ SCOURGE ~
Hosesniffer.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Master of the male cameltoe.

~ SCOURGE ~
Corpse-laying shitheel.

~ VOLTAGE ~
Blunt-cocked animal molester.
Your woman awaits you. Enjoy your poor
Attempts at pleasing her with limp cock.

~ SCOURGE ~
Would that I did not have pipe to lay now
I would see this through to the end and take
Your very life; be watchful of the steps
You take in town for the next time we meet
May truly be the last. Come, my wanton,
Let us depart and shame the churchbells
With the sounds of our dirty deeds.

SACRILICIOUS and SCOURGE exit.
VOLTAGE looks at THE JAMES HAT, the DEAD GRANDMOTHER, the sad HUSSY and the

bruised and bloody PIKEMAN, smiles to himself, and exits.

~ CHORUS ~
A changed man then returning to his love
Was quick to please her with new tricks of tongue
And adding to the fun the purchased prick,
The touch of ram and whale upon his dick,
He brought to her more pleasure than she'd known
And so together in their happy home
They bedded, flinging curses at each other
Shaming each language, soul, God and mother
Known to them, but though Voltage felt he'd won
His spirit sensed a battle had begun,
A sinking feeling stretching gut to heart
Riddled him whenever he'd depart
To London town, his ever watchful eye
Was careful for the man Scourge to espy;
A coming war, the beat of distant drums
He hoped the battlecry would never come.

If love surrounds you but unsatisfied
Your lover or your blushing beauty bride
Demands of you a rougher sort of talk
The shackles of your brutish mind will lock
Until you free them from within
And then you'll score a slutty kind of quim,
But do so humbly, balance brawn with wit
Or shooting off your mouth, you'll stir but shit.

Fin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ THE POPE ~
Why are we always at the end of these?

~ THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY ~
Balls if I know, padre. Care to enjoy
Clementines from the small of my wife's back?

~ THE POPE ~
Will there be blow and finest china served?

~ THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY ~
Of course!

~ THE POPE ~
Shit yeah, negro! That's all you had to say!

User Reviews

Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-12-25 12:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm fucking here you cum rags god damn!

Seriously long, but very fun to read. Sorry I've been away as of late, I moved to a new house and I've been... busy a lot of the time. I really don't get online very much anymore.

Lots of love to all!

Susie NOOOOO PLEASE TO NOT BE STABBING YES?

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-11 00:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

O, read your Ubermas post....

Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-10 11:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 08:37:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

HighVoltage900 WHERE ARE YOU?
--------------------------
I know, I haven't heard from that dude in a while! Maybe his co-workers finally succeeded in their mission :(

Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-10 10:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:44:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

LISA ~
WOOF!

~ VOLTAGE ~
CUNT!

VOLTAGE kicks LISA THE DOG into the river. She drowns, her eyes eaten by fish and her innards consumed by swans. VOLTAGE and SCOURGE come upon a GRANDMOTHER.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**sigh**

As it should be...

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Seriously, Poletage...you're leaving my cheese out in the wind.

I am no man's Rooney.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 08:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

HighVoltage900 WHERE ARE YOU?

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-08 19:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Super weet!

Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-08 13:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Publish, you moron.

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 21:58:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

So, when someone, we'll call him "scourge", says things and I totally O all over the place, who is ultimately responsible for the going- him or me?
========================================================

MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 10:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:53:06 (#)
Ranking: 0

You must be a very lonely.

---

Correction: I must get my work done quickly.

Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

You're like the B porno Shakespeare.

And I love it.

You're demented, god bless you.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

plooterin

AHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAH fucking classic

Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

You must be a very lonely.

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Additionally, it's not nice to imitate Deflated Inion Nethers like that. I've heard they have feelings.

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-08 00:09:58 (#)
Ranking: 2

oh yeah..

and THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPT!! On all three of you, because you have awesome uber wars portraits and I don't

*pout*

---

I don't have an Uber Wars portrait. It seems that was a list that I didn't make as well.
We shall have a pity party and make our own drawings, then. Post yours today. Cheap Uber Wars Portrait Knock-Off Friday (CUWPKOF)?

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I cant believe I nearly missed this.........

Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-12-08 07:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

*fwap fwap*

Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-12-08 07:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Gosh. This is rude.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-08 05:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-08 00:08:45 (#)
Ranking: 2

Oman, Licious, Are you still playing the puppet game, or is everyone who they are supposed to be?
===
That was 100% pure Matty, Crystle. I only puppeted him on that first review. So far.

I don't think anyone but me has their hand up in him but WHO NOES, the man has a lot of friends..

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-08 00:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

oh yeah..

and THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPT!! On all three of you, because you have awesome uber wars portraits and I don't

*pout*

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-08 00:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Pirates aren't usually up this late

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-08 00:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Oman, Licious, Are you still playing the puppet game, or is everyone who they are supposed to be?

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:24:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

Um..

Yuh huh.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/81867

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:10:37 (#)
Ranking: 0

Lishy - scourge couldn't get a woman off a train, let alone off her jollies. It was all you. I mean I love scourge. scourge is awesome.

---

this, my friend, is why i love valerie more than i love you.

i mean, i'd still probably man-sex you, but i'd sex her better and first

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

mmm

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 23:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

If you'd asked me that a year ago, I'd have said no chance.
Now...who's to say.

What's "editing" by the way?

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

*poetry*

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

O-man, have you ever seriously considered editing a bunch of your peotry and publishing it?

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

*circles*

*rocks hips*

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

He stole that from the unpublished - but still passed from hand to hand and absolutely essential reading in certain circles - manuscript "Using Your Mouth For Something More Than Words: Tips on Tonguelashing, Tickling and Teasing by Mars Orgasmatron."

I didn't want to say anything at the time, because the second piece I wrote "Ovary Outreach (Bring it On Down to Omeletteville)" was getting such acclaim in Europe. I could only focus on one or the other.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:10:37 (#)
Ranking: 0

Lishy - scourge couldn't get a woman off a train, let alone off her jollies.
===

Um..

Yuh huh.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/81867

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 22:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Coleslaw - the Chorus knows everything, ok? Always has, always will. Besides, we don't know what misadventures Mephishlongalys has gotten into BEFORE this prequel. Maybe he's driven the Chorus insane many a time in the past. I do love that you pay attention to details like this. Makes me warm in my no-no zone.

TTOM - Ah'murnie an expert on yer slang, but I tried. I should stop plooterin with the language. Iffit please ye, tho, gies a gammy then.

Lishy - scourge couldn't get a woman off a train, let alone off her jollies. It was all you. I mean I love scourge. scourge is awesome.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 21:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

So, when someone, we'll call him "scourge", says things and I totally O all over the place, who is ultimately responsible for the going- him or me?

I know the answer but I want to know what you think.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

~ TTOM ~
Whits fur ye'll no gin by ye, arse bandit!
----------------
O-man, if you wern't a dude I'd be fucking you so hard right now, love you!

Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-07 19:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

152 times??

Damn chorous........*wanders off*

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:34:03 (#)
Ranking: 0

There will be a public bukkake ritual in HighVoltage's honor in the town square tomorrow at high noon. Sacrilicious will be chained to a pillar and forced to accept any load that is shot her way.

This is a SHAMING ritual, so remember:

- No popcorn or assorted candies.
- No silly hats.
- No Sir Mixalot songs played on the PA system.
----
plus no co-mingling of peeners, either.

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

SACRILICIOUS basically just loses it and totally Os all over the place.

Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I laughed, a couple times, ... out loud.

But, if this be a Prequel, then how would the CHORUS know about Mephishlongalys? TELL ME THAT, HUH? YOU CAN'T DO IT CAN YOU? MUH-, I GOT YOU, MUHAAHAHAHAHA. BOW BEFORE MY ANAL RETENTIVENESS!

(kicked all ass)

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

No. :(

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

BTW, did I miss the rest of The Uberbury Tales?

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:26:23 (#)
Ranking: 2

OK, I have a few things to say so I'll come back a few times.

But first, I owe HighVoltage900 a huge apology. I intended to make sure he had an uberversary post for him on, well, his uberversary. I fucked up.

H_V I'm really sorry and if you want you can take it out on me, Shakespeare style.

I'm sorry.

Orgasmatron- thanks for acknowledging what I didn't, and writing what I (certainly) couldn't.
***************
Who on this site could even come CLOSE to what O-man did? No one.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

*goes online to check current frequent-flyer miles status*

V
V
V
V

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I will take my punishment like a good girl.

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

There will be a public bukkake ritual in HighVoltage's honor in the town square tomorrow at high noon. Sacrilicious will be chained to a pillar and forced to accept any load that is shot her way.

This is a SHAMING ritual, so remember:

- No popcorn or assorted candies.
- No silly hats.
- No Sir Mixalot songs played on the PA system.

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

BRAND NEW TEMPORARY SCOURGE!

I, SCOURGE, APPROVE OF THIS POST AND OF ALL THE VARIOUS GOINGS-ON CONTAINED HEREIN.

I WILL MOST CERTAINLY HAVE MORE TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Secondly..

GO TRAGICKAL HATERY WOO

I need to read this proper.

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

OK, I have a few things to say so I'll come back a few times.

But first, I owe HighVoltage900 a huge apology. I intended to make sure he had an uberversary post for him on, well, his uberversary. I fucked up.

H_V I'm really sorry and if you want you can take it out on me, Shakespeare style.

I'm sorry.

Orgasmatron- thanks for acknowledging what I didn't, and writing what I (certainly) couldn't.

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

yeah, the Lisa thing was pretty good, too.

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

MY POX-WISHING WAYS ARE A REALITY! BEWARE, WORLD, LEST YOU SUFFER THE SAME FATE AS BUBS HERE!

Sucks about the gout. I hear whiskey really helps with that.
I'd write a poem about gout, but I fear it doesn't sound as funny as 'goiter.'

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:32:09 (#)
Ranking: 0

700+ lines and no comment?

A pox on your house!
*********
Your work needs no comment from me. The play is a wonderful blend of Elizabethan
language and modern comedy.

The called-for pox is in full bloom, as I am off work today and probably tomorrow
with an unusually severe case of gout. Pray you never have it.

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

No Comment

Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

"ribbed for her pleasure... EWWWWWW"

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

LISA ~
WOOF!

~ VOLTAGE ~
CUNT!

VOLTAGE kicks LISA THE DOG into the river. She drowns, her eyes eaten by fish and her innards consumed by swans. VOLTAGE and SCOURGE come upon a GRANDMOTHER.
---

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAQHQAHAQHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes I mae a 'q' sound when i laugh, what of it?

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Emphatically pleased comment.

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

700+ lines and no comment?

A pox on your house!

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-07 14:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-07 14:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

strange stars intertwine in skyheaven skyking, riverrun flowing past Eve and Adam's worlds collide with shining (shining onwards) in a last a heart a love a long

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-07 14:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

my nethers don't talk.

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-07 14:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Following Maltese's link?

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

I'm like Hooters.

Which Voltage knows nothing about.

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.

Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Wonderfully mirthful.

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Dude. This is simply awesome. I don't even know how to write something this good.

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Doth art thou sicosemen?

Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

There we go. 1.57.

Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Testing this

Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Hold on

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 13:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Balls. Should have put the Voltage UV mention in the title.