UberDigest - I Dream of Djinn (1) (668 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.69 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JennyX (View user info) at 2006-12-07 15:00:37 EST
There's plenty of good stuff out therein the deep dark recesses of Uber - here's one of my favourite old stories...
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MAN DIES OF UNPRECEDENTED FULL BODY CANCER AT AGE 23
This was the headline of the newspapers the day after my friend Abdul died. It was also the most remarkable news story of the year, and even now, has never again been seen in the medical community.
Allow me to digress a bit.
Abdul had been my best friend for thirteen years. During his fifteenth year, his parents were in a terrible accident, causing him to be orphaned. He received a rather large sum of money from the insurance company, because life insurance is a triple payout on public transport. He went on to drop out of school and live on the money. After all, being fifteen years old and having more than five million dollars is quite a temptation to not care.
In his final will and testament, Abdul bequeathed to me his house, a Mercedes, $100,000, some of his cherished personal belongings, and a Syrian hookah.
The hookah came with explicit instructions, written entirely in Arabic, his native tongue, and my second (my mother is Egyptian). Translated, the instructions read:
"Peace upon thee to whom this message reaches,
"A gift has been bestowed upon you, the bearer of this unfruitful tiding. The evil contained within this hookah must never be released, for damnation and evil upon him will be forever lain. My friend and beloved, I beg you never to smoke from this hookah. Only Hell will you inhale.
"Yours in his own eternal slavery,
Abdul Yasien Azarhoun
I couldn't help but imagine what lay within the nargilah, curiosity and compelling tearing at me. It must have been the way the beautiful dark blue of the water chamber sparkled and glistened with the liquid within, or the way it seemed to fit my hands perfectly. The smell, the smell, I tell you, was like nothing I could imagine. Even the old, musty tobacco, still ashen in its bowl, creeped through my nostrils as if some omnipresent force had touched, with a completely divine finger, my olfactories.
I completely disregarded Abdul's letter, and reached for my tufahitayn (double apple) tobacco, loaded the bowl of the hookah, and lit.
Now, imagine the sweetest, most pleasurable thing you've ever tasted, multiply it by a thousand and even then it would not begin to describe how wonderful the first taste was. I felt my eyes roll back into my head as I collapsed on the floor of my apartment, unaware of the pyrotechnics and fireworks emerging from the hookah itself. My eyes burned fiery as I opened them, overexposed pupils dilating to the bright greens, reds, and yellows surrounding the tiny cloud formed in my habitation. A thunderous voice boomed through my ears, nearly deafening me. It spoke in Arabic.
"You have released me from a three year sleep, O Master. You are the holder of the Sheesha of Al Jilaad, and I am now your servant. You may call me Ashareer. I will grant you three wishes, but make them wisely."
I squinted to see beyond the rainbowy mist formed at the bottom of the hookah. The figure before me floated weightlessly, arms akimbo. Fiery red skin stretching from the top of his head cooled into a cool blue around his torso, and seemed frozen as the colors subdued into a lime green around his waist. Large gold armlets covered his massive forarms, and his bald head was set apart only by the single, long, jet black baguette of hair pulled back into a neat ponytail. His eyes had no color, only a platinum shininess that reflected my own horrified, yet intrigued self.
"By smoking this hookah, I invoke you?" I asked.
"Yes, master."
"And what if I choose not to use any wishes?"
"If that is your wish, master." I pondered thoughtfully at this. Djinns have a way of being deceptive.
"It is not, Asharir. That is not my wish."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Anything you wish is at my command, my Master."
I bit my tongue, knowing anything I might say would be distorted into some damned wish. I thought carefully, again.
"Asharir," I asked, "can you tell the wishes your last master made?"
A lifeless, internally incinerating gaze peered deep into my heart of hearts, as he squinted, and said softly, "Is that your wish, Master?"
"No, it is not," I answered. "I would like you to tell me."
"Verily I will, Master, if that is what you command me. Master Abdul Yasien Azarhoun wished thrice, and three wishes received he. His first wish, to have riches beyond what he could spend in a lifetime. Thus he was so granted. This was gained by the loss of his parents.
"His second wish, quite foolishly, was for the love of another. Quite sadly, Master Abdul wished for the love of someone he knew. His wish was granted, but she knew not of him.
"Thirdly, his wish of eternal life will live on forever. Although his has but passed, his name will live on in your medical and science texts, to be studied, for eternity."
All of this struck me suddenly. His parents dead, him living only a life long enough to not spend all the money, his obsession with meeting Salma Hayek. I knew I would have to think long and carefully about the wishes, if any, I would make.
Three weeks passed before I came to my first wish. Again, I lit the bowl of the hookah pipe, inhaled, and waited for Asharir to emerge from the smoking cloud. And again, Ashareer's voice boomed and echoed.
"You have released me from a three year sleep, O Master. You are the holder of the Sheesha of Al Jilaad, and I am now your servant. You may call me Ashareer. I will grant you three wishes, but make them wisely."
I closed my eyes, and thought long about the wish I wanted.
"Ashareer, I wish..."
TO BE CONTINUED
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47164
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-08 19:08:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Tyrell (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:16:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
cracker whitey jonnyx likes to use the n word when describing black people.
go to hell, cracker.
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no, I like to use the n word when describing niggers, George
Submitted by Tyrell (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
cracker whitey jonnyx likes to use the n word when describing black people.
go to hell, cracker.
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a clever line - His second wish, quite foolishly, was for the love of another. Quite sadly, Master Abdul wished for the love of someone he knew. His wish was granted, but she knew not of him.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 10:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What Jack said.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 08:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry dude, but this just isn't that hot. It's not original and it reads like the writer squeezed every last drop out of his thesaurus.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-12-08 03:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ricki tic
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-07 21:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for pulling that up.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-07 20:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-07 19:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tyrell (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:44:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
it be about time for me to kick yo ass.
got that? i will kick yo ass whitey.
if i had more time i think i would do a driveby -2 on all your white bread posts.
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YES, BY ALL MEANS, PLEASE GET YOURSELF BANNED AND DO US ALL A FAVOUR
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-07 18:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a real doctor but full body cancer sounds pretty bad.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing white about JennyX are the bone white hose she pulls up and over her taut thighs.
Submitted by Tyrell (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
it be about time for me to kick yo ass.
got that? i will kick yo ass whitey.
if i had more time i think i would do a driveby -2 on all your white bread posts.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG UBERREDU IS ALMOST A PALINDROME
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I wondered about that...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 17:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now how in THE HELL am I supposed to fill her navel with my sperm if that damn jewel is in the way?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG UBERREDU IS ALMOST A PALINDROME
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2006-12-07 16:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Biotch (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is nice to see someone point out some good on Uber...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good idea for a Thursday. An Uber-redU of sorts.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-07 15:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat.