UberMas 06: Exhibition Extravaganza (Honk if You Love Ho Ho Hos) (1110 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.49 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-12-08 11:09:16 EST
Look, let's be honest with ourselves. There isn't enough time before Christmas for a full on, womb-to-tomb Christmas competition. UberMadness is still hanging over everyone's collective head like a rusty shower faucet in an unwashed YMCA locker room. The holiday snowball of shopping, nogging, wrapping and putting off office deadlines is quickening its pace and growing as it tumbles down the hooknose of December, ultimately to cast itself off the edge above the month's sharpened, grinning teeth and headlong into the void where only exotic dancers and executioners dare to dream. I don't know what that means. Nevermind.
THE POINT IS THIS: Christmas stories are the cat's ass. People like to read them, and people like to write them. So I propose a simple exercise - a friendly exhibition of sorts operating under the same general rules as a regular comp. Paired writers, an exchange of titles, holiday theming, etc. Nobody wins, nobody loses. We can have more rounds if you'd like, but we'll see how this one goes.
Interested? Sign up. I'll draw pairings and post them next Monday, so you have until then to make your mark.
As I have no ending to this, I shall take a small bow and leave you with something guaranteed to make you groan. It's not mine. Like I write bullshit of this sort:
A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it...and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-12-11 13:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 15:47:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot Davros, dear. I like him.
---------
*swoons*
-Dave
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-11 01:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since this will be an exhibition rather than a win-lose contest, maybe we can all agree to
follow Jack's advice and propose 'real' titles.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-11 00:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rockin'
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-11 00:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-11 00:03:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-10 22:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries - life, it does so get in the way.
Anyone else? There are 13 as of right now...one more'd make it an even 14.
---------
If this isn't too late...yo.
Why not.
***********
O-Man, GRAB HIM! It's never too late, and Stag will turn in an excellent story, as usual.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-11 00:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-10 22:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries - life, it does so get in the way.
Anyone else? There are 13 as of right now...one more'd make it an even 14.
---------
If this isn't too late...yo.
Why not.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-10 23:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a WSS reference?
-----------
Womb to tomb, baby.
Sperm to worm.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-10 23:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the guy we need, one of the better post in any contest:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80689
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-10 22:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries - life, it does so get in the way.
Anyone else? There are 13 as of right now...one more'd make it an even 14.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-10 22:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*too
See what I mean?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-10 22:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd sign up but my mind's been to jumbled lately what with finals and all for anything coherent to come out of it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron
goferferhire
CHR15
Sacrilicious
TTOM
Jack_McCallum
CaptainThorns
Bubba2341
Susie_Derkins
ghola
ripple
awesome_face
DAVROS
Anyone else? You've got until midnight tonight.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-10 01:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PEON SIGHTING! W( * )( * )!!!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-12-09 20:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's my muthafuckin birthday!!!
+2's all around!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 15:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:39:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for Hollandaise sauce - I love that stuff, I put it everywhere, toast, eggs, Sacilicious' navel, everywhere man everywhere...
===
Jonny likes me twice as saucy.
You forgot Davros, dear. I like him.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron
goferferhire
CHR15
Sacrilicious
TTOM
Jack_McCallum
CaptainThorns
Bubba2341
Susie_Derkins
ghola
ripple
awesome_face
Anyone else? You've got until midnight Sunday.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a WSS reference?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-09 11:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just caught the West Side Story reference. Bless you.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not really.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm in
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for Hollandaise sauce - I love that stuff, I put it everywhere, toast, eggs, Sacilicious' navel, everywhere man everywhere...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-08 15:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha, fuck you McCallum.
And for the record, I will not be writing Christmas stories, except on my own accord.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 14:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:01:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:57:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Good fucking grief...Not ANOTHER contest.
They can't even finish the FIRST fucking contest...I lost interest around Round 3...4 months ago.
+++++++++
Maybe someday we'll have a contest of "put your head on someone else's body."
NOW you're talkin'.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 14:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Puddinger?
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-08 14:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-12-08 14:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure if I have the time.
But stick me down anyhoo.
-Dave
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-08 13:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god...
no.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 13:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'Opponents' will exchange titles when the pairings are drawn and posted, but if anyone wants to throw some out now you're, of course, welcome to.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 13:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and let's have some workable titles, people.
They can be a bit obscure, but none of this 'Jack Frost's Icicle was Long and Blue and Hard' bullshit.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sure, i just lost in UM so WHY THE FUCK NOT.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell. I'm bored to tears and a glutton for punishment, I'm in.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE'S NO POINT IN PLAYING, I WILL WIN, YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC AND I PITY YOU.
maybe.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Crap. I just remembered I have to write Xmas stories for two nephews and a niece.
Oh well. Plenty of time left.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron
goferferhire
CHR15
Sacrilicious
TTOM
Jack_McCallum
CaptainThorns
Bubba2341
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny cartoon.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:57:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Good fucking grief...Not ANOTHER contest.
They can't even finish the FIRST fucking contest...I lost interest around Round 3...4 months ago.
+++++++++
Maybe someday we'll have a contest of "put your head on someone else's body."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honk!!
Exhibition, huh? I'll let mine hang out.
I'm in.
Very punny joke.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Will this have the Ubertree?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good fucking grief...Not ANOTHER contest.
They can't even finish the FIRST fucking contest...I lost interest around Round 3...4 months ago.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you say ho ho hos do you mean:
a. Ho Hos
b. The fat pedophile who keeps children as slaves and passes them off for 'elves' because of their ear deformity
c. Lisa
This is vital information in my decision of honking you see
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You secured the 0 right up until this part:-
-----
As I have no ending to this, I shall take a small bow and leave you with something guaranteed to make you groan. It's not mine. Like I write bullshit of this sort:
A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it...and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:33:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just don't have the spirit right now.
-----------------------------------------
come on girlie, cheer up.
in other news: im taking a second job to pay for my wife's Christmas spending sprees so I doubt I'll even have time to read these stories, let alone write my own shitty one.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
despite the fact i will now have the time for this. i doubt i'll have the necessary brain function.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just don't have the spirit right now.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:24:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:11:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as I get to write one of the only TO kinds of story I'm good at, I'll be there.
--------------
Are you fucking serious?-------------------^
---------------
With your track record it's really not your place to point out a minor flaw in an effing review. Something more idiotic in a post where it actually matters, *maybe*. In the meantime shut the fuck up and go back to being oathmeal or whoever it is you are.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:15:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell, I'm in.
Although I didn't get the joke to be honest.
-------
There's a Christmas song in America called There's No Place Like Home For the Holidays.
I'd say it wouldn't be popular abroad because it makes repeated reference to American locations. And it plays nonstop at my job, causing me to be fairly insane.
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:11:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as I get to write one of the only TO kinds of story I'm good at, I'll be there.
--------------
Are you fucking serious?-------------------^
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That time of the year already?
You know I'm in.
Kids, if you want an example of a QUALITY UberMas post from last year: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80739
(I'm particularly proud of that poem.)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops. This logo... scroll down...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79822
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
EVERYONE POINT AT THE SILLY SCOT WHO DOESN'T GET THE HOLIDAY SONG REFERENCE IN THE PUN
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man, you should have copied the official Ubermas logo...
I'm in.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell, I'm in.
Although I didn't get the joke to be honest.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SNOWBALL ME
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in. I'll need to see the dates though because I am travelling at Christmas.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as I get to write one of the only to kinds of story I'm good at, I'll be there.