The Mensa of Menses - An Interactive Assessment (NSFW) (1442 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-12-08 16:03:47 EST
Attention all men!
Is it your special someone's "time of the month" again?
Do YOU know what to do when that wonderful week spawned by the lovechild of Lucifer and Alanis Morrisette arrives in your household?
More importantly, do you know what NOT to do?
Take this quiz and see just how much you know about menstruation!
(And kids, if you think that a period is just a type of punctuation denoting the end of a sentence, I highly advise you to click 'Back' on your browser NOW.)
Still with us? Good!
Alrighty then, let's move on to the quiz, shall we?
1. You wake up in the middle of the night to find that there are several spots of blood on the sheet between you and your female companion. She is not wearing any panties (being that you ripped them off of her seven hours earlier in a fit of passion) and a strange odor is wafting from between her legs. You're not sure where the blood came from. Do you:
(a) Stick your nose in her crotch and take a good whiff
(b) Kick the snot out of your dog, which you know is in heat because she had several "friends" follow her home last night
(c) Shake your partner violently and scream "OH MY GOD! WHO DID YOU KILL? WHO?!? I DEMAND SATISFACTION!!!!"
(d) Quietly get up, go to the bathroom, locate a tampon, then jump back into bed and shove it up her twat ever so gently while trying not to wake her
Of course, the correct answer here is: (e) none of the above. If you've got the balls to wake up a menstruating woman, you're asking for trouble.
2. The next day, your female companion wakes up extremely horny and straddles you on the bed, screaming for violent sex and dry humping you while shouting "I DEMAND SATISFACTION!" What do you do?
(a) Politely ask her to clean up the blood spots on the sheets first before proceeding with the carnal romp
(b) Turn down her advances, making retching noises and exclaiming "Fuck, get your smelly blood-infested snatch off of me!"
(c) Request that she wait an hour while you run to the store to fetch a box of condoms so you don't get her blood on your penis
(d) Ask her to take a shower/bath first and "flush out her love hole"
Again, the correct answer is: (e) Give it to her in the ass immediately, before her hormone levels drop and she says no.
3. Now you've done it. Thanks to your disastrous decision-making skills in the bedroom this morning, she's awfully pissed at you and is giving you the silent treatment. Do you:
(a) Ignore her, figuring she won't be able to keep her mouth shut the whole day and will eventually start talking again
(b) Take the opportunity to proclaim, "Oh, I know why you're like this...it's THAT time of the month! I see how it is!"
(c) Go buy her roses and chocolate from the local grocery store
(d) Call one of her friends and ask for unsolicited female advice on what to do to make your woman talk to you
Although answer (c) is usually effective in 90% of these cases, it's important to recognize the wisdom of (a), as nearly every woman will get around to telling you why it's completely YOUR fault if you wait long enough.
4. Okay, she's talking to you again finally, and her first statement (as predicted) is to accuse you of causing her bad mood. What do you do?
(a) Bend over and take it like a man by validating her accusation and admit complete fault
(b) Argue with her, lashing out and saying "Bullshit, you ain't this way the other three weeks of the month, bitch!"
(c) Go buy more roses and chocolate, and also a bottle of wine this time, drinking the whole bottle by yourself on the way home
(d) Leave the house to go off hunting or golfing with your buddies
Do I even really need to SAY which answer is the right one here? If you didn't pick (a), you're in deep shit now. Although (c) isn't a bad secondary move, either, as long as you're willing to eventually get around to (a).
5. By the grace of God, things are seemingly back to normal and you're both out shopping at Wal-Mart together. You've just left the checkout line and are heading towards the car when your partner realizes that she is out of sanitary pads at home and didn't buy any. She asks you to go back into the store and grab a package while she loads the car and waits outside. Do you:
(a) Tell her to just stuff some cotton balls up her crotch for the rest of the week, and go buy some herself next month
(b) Ask her, "You wear extra large, extra absorbent with wings, right?"
(c) Pick up a package of tampons instead because you personally like them better than pads
(d) Pay the hot teenage girl in the parked and running SUV next to your car to go into the store and get them for you
Of course, the answer here is: (e) Ask her what type and size she wants, then just go back into the store and get them yourself - nobody working at Wal-Mart gives a damn what you're buying anyway, because they're all either high, hung over, or autistic.
6. A few days later, you're anxious for some action and sweet, sweet orgasmic release, but your female partner is still menstruating and is in a particularly foul mood tonight. What do you do?
(a) Go down to the local watering hole by yourself, disappear after 11:30pm, and come back at 3am with a new perfume scent lingering on your clothes
(b) Drag her down to the bar with you, exclaiming, "C'mon honey, a few drinks will cheer you up!"
(c) Ask for a blow job while dancing around in your tighty-whities to entice her
(d) Grab the nearest Sears or JCPenney's catalog and go spank it off on the toilet while looking at lingerie models or hardware
You'd better believe it that (d) is your best choice here. Unless your woman is kinky. Which, in that case, (c) might be a viable option.
7. Unfortunately, your former partner just couldn't stand any more of your ineptitude and has dumped you. After drowning your sorrows (okay, celebrating your newfound freedom) at the bar, you've hooked up with a pretty young thing that's been making eyes at you all night. Back at her place, you are in the throes of hot jungle love when you feel something warm and sticky running down your member and onto your legs, and it isn't her orgasmic juices. Do you:
(a) Push her off of you, screaming, "What the deuce, good fellow, you didn't tell me you were in your period!?!"
(b) Say, "C'mon honey, let's go do it in the bathtub" and let the soapy water take care of things on its own
(c) Ask her to move to the kitchen so you can fuck on the counter top, then grab the spray hose in the sink while her legs are spread and rinse her coochie out before she can protest
(d) Close your eyes, pretend it's K-Y instead of blood, and keep railing her until you finish thirty seconds later, then run to the bathroom and frantically wipe off your dick on her white hand towel
Obviously, the best choice here is (b), although (d) would suffice if you can keep enough of your brain intact to just stay inside of her and not run to the bathroom after you finish spilling your seed.
8. Three weeks after the previous incident, the girl that you met at the bar comes up to you one night while you're drinking and says, "Guess what! I'm pregnant!" What do you do?
(a) Exclaim, "It can't be mine, you were flowing heavier than molasses when I fucked you, and EVERYONE knows girls can't get pregnant during their period!", then turn back around to the bartender and continue your conversation with him as you ignore her.
(b) Fall off of the barstool in shock and immediately offer to marry her after you regain consciousness.
(c) Widen your eyes in feigned shock as you point at the opposite wall and say, "Oh my God! Look!", then run out of the bar while her back is turned and never go back to that bar again.
(d) Pull her gently aside and demand a paternity test, stating "because Mom always told me to make sure it was mine before I start paying child support."
If you've got the balls to do it, (c) is your best option here, although if she catches you, you'll end up doing (b) anyway, most likely, since you pretty much admitted guilt by attempting to flee the scene and you now have basically no chance in hell of your second best option (d).
9. Thank God for work days. You're back at the office after a difficult weekend, and you can't possibly get into trouble here....or CAN you? Wouldn't you know it, your female boss, who has just left your desk and has started walking away, appears to be in her period, as evidenced by the small but slowly spreading red stain on the back of her khaki culottes. Do you:
(a) Tell your boss, "So, are you menstruating today, or are you just happy to see me?"
(b) Quietly tell her, "Um, might want to go to the restroom and check your pants, boss."
(c) Not say anything - odds are she probably knows she's flowing, and will discover the spot on her own eventually
(d) Loudly proclaim for all the cubicle dwellers to hear, "Say, didn't you say your Aunt Flo was coming to visit soon?"
If you're smart, you picked (c), because only another woman could get away with (b), and if you picked (a) or (d), you're going to be fired shortly for indirectly admitting to staring at her ass.
10. One day you're hanging out at your girlfriend's house, waiting for her to finish getting ready for your date, when her younger but rapidly developing pre-teen sister plops down next to you on the couch and asks why she's "bleeding out of her pee-hole" for no apparent reason, and to your knowledge has never has a period until now. What do you do?
(a) RUN HARDER AND FASTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR LIFE
(b) RUN HARDER AND FASTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR LIFE
(c) RUN HARDER AND FASTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR LIFE
(d) RUN HARDER AND FASTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR LIFE
Really now, if you think there's ANY other good solution in this case, you're just a sick fuck BEGGING for eternal punishment.
Scoring Key:
Why bother? If you got more than two of these wrong...you're in for a lifetime of miserable relationships, pal.
(DISCLAIMER: This assessment is in no way endorsed or approved by Mensa or its affiliates - after all, let's face it, the majority of their members are women, and it would be a cold day in hell before they would sponsor an assessment on menses.)
Happy labial trails to you!
User Reviews
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for the pic. But most of these answers could be d)Punch her.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good moves to avoid a blood bath
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Disturbing that you've thought so much on this topic, however:
"Of course, the answer here is: (e) Ask her what type and size she wants, then just go back into the store and get them yourself - nobody working at Wal-Mart gives a damn what you're buying anyway, because they're all either high, hung over, or autistic."
THAT was hilarious.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-12-09 20:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's my muthafuckin birthday!!!
+2's all around!!
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-12-09 00:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I came
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-08 23:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it was ok
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2006-12-08 23:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
boo
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-08 22:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read it fully tomorrow, but the first few lines were good.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-08 22:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-12-08 21:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss you too hun. I wish I had more time to be bored at work lately.
:-(
p.s.
Your post is gross... like boy cooties.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-08 19:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just for the pic
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-08 19:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:30:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, I'm sick of this.
Which one of you fucktards owns this alter?
Goddamn you all are a bunch of pussies!
iF YOU WANT TO FUCK UP SOMEONE'S RATINGS, HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT UNDER YOUR OWN NAME.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-08 19:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Geeeezus Thorns, if PMS was truly as bad as men think, most of you would be dead.
It isn't that bad.
Look at me, I'm a hateful bitch 24/7/365. I don't have to use PMS as an excuse.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. It SHOULD have been a +2 from everyone, but certain Uniters
are fucking jerkoffs. Sorry.......................
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-08 18:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-08 17:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-08 17:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(a) Tell your boss, "So, are you menstruating today, or are you just happy to see me?"
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That is the funniest fucking thing I've read on Uber the entire day.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Periodically amusing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good quiz.
Write Shlongy's next Uber Quiz for me...I'm too lazy.
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha....glorious!
Bored at Work worthy, for sure.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"My name is M.C. Menses and my flow be fresh."
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-12-08 16:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment