Ham is Pink on the Inside. (818 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Poots (View user info) at 2006-12-09 12:28:02 EST
to be read in helen kellers voice.
I like ham!
I like ham!
hammy hammy ham.
Ham in the morning
Ham at night
gonna eat some ham
everything will be alright.
Bright light shines
on my ham
speckled with dew
and a little jam
ham in my tub
ham's alright
ham for the boys
and the girls at night
very little ham
makes me sad
worried that my ham
might have gone bad
jabby dabby do
poo poo poo
ham ham ham
hammy hammy ham ham
Got a little ham
twixed my teeth
go down on my girl
it falls in her beef
ham's alright
and that's no lie
some sum bitch
got ham in his eye
-------------------------------------------------
Ok....wtf.....what just happened?
I'll tell you a little story now.
...................................................
I was 11 on this most auspicious of evenings. It was fall. I remember the leaves were on the ground and a nice mild post meridian had allowed me to play outside alone in the dirt or maybe I was taking out the trash or shooting heroin but I like to think that I was playing in the dirt for reasons I will not go into. The front porch light was lit and my sneaky brother was prowling around somewhere.... in the semi-darkness....plotting.
Like the carefree child I was I continued on whimsically, as I did in those days, and thought nothing of the dangers that lurked in the shadows.
I was eating dirt and putting poop in small hard to find ant mounds when all of a sudden my evil brother popped up out of thin air like count dracula does.
"Hello brother," said he of the vermin tongue. He arched his eyebrows almost winkingly as he said it and smirked in recognition of my silly ass naivety.
"Hello brother want to put some poop in these ant hills? It is very fun."
"POOP!" he exclaimed.
"Yes. I'm trying to see if ants can live off of poop. You see their main source of nutrition is...."
"BLAH! BLAH BLAH! Why are you always jabbering on about poop? I'm sick of it I brought you this!"
He whipped out a broom from the only place I can imagine one could store one, his back pocket, hoisted to the heavens and yelled "BY THE POWERS OF GREY SKULL....I HAVE THE POWER" He flexed his muscles and when he didn't get really fucking ripped, like He-Man did when he said that, he shrugged and swung the shit out of that broom hitting me in the upper leg breaking the broom in half leaving the brush end on the ground and the handle end in his hand.
I snapped up head spinning, steam ah spoutin from my ears, nostrils flaring like a bull, and blood was gushing in the gallons from the vagina that I had recently purchased on fith street.
I saw a look of terror in my brothers eyes and he took off running for the hills. My leg ached a little from the blow and I couldn't run as fast as him anyway so I looked around for something to throw at him. The broom handle would be perfect.
He had gotten about 20 feet away from me when I picked up the handle and another 5 when I released it broken end front side. It was a perfect fucking throw the kind that olympic javelinist cream over whilest they sleep hoping that one day they could throw as . The kind that seperates the boys from the men. The kind that is thrown from a kid driven mad by anger and sticks right into the thigh of the person that spawned his anger and made him do such a rediculous thing.
Like I said fucking perfect. He went down like a deer in the Nooges' compound bows' sights. It was an awesome spectacle, he squalled and screamed and cried and acted like a little baby. VENGENCEEEEEEEE was very sweet although it was now my turn to run as he was slowly recooperating. I spent the next few hours hiding in the bathroom.
Blah blah blah.
blah blah blah.
bling blong gleep gloop glibby gloo.
the end.
..........................................
p.s. ham rules
p.p.s. this story is not told very well I know that. I don't care. Gimme a -2 see if I give a fuck about it or your whore mom.
p.p.p.s. that was mean. I didn't mean what I just typed about your whore mom. She's not a whore mom. Just a regular old bitch.
p.p.p.p.s. I kid nobody in this world is a bitch or a whore and I mean that.
p.p.p.p.p.s. I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on every god damn post I post. But I really don't want to step on toes or hurt egos so I do it. Even though it's shit and the people that demand apologies from stupid jokes are shitty shit eating shit heads with shit crusted lips and shit ass breath that is shit from shit.
p.p.p.p.p.p.s. oh god I fear the disclaimers won't stop now. I'm sorry. Your not shit heads and you don't have shit breath and shit crusted lips.
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. your motha!
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-24 11:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha...I was right. Funny.
I had a similar experience, but I was the victim, and it involved a gun. Well, a bb gun.
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2006-12-12 02:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-11 18:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
poontang is pink on the inside too
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this wasn't half bad, for being full of shit and taking the easy way out (Helen Keller)
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-12-09 20:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's my muthafuckin birthday!!!
+2's all around!!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-09 16:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ps
This is what the alphabet would look like if q and r were taken out.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-09 14:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...for not being a quitter, princess.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-09 13:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yes
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-09 13:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to be read in helen kellers voice.
I like ham!
I like ham!
hammy hammy ham.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-12-09 13:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-12-09 13:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so very funny!
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pffftttt!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is very fun.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAAHAAHAHAHHAAHHHAHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAA!!!!!!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A vast nothingness.