Drinking DOES erase pain. Even if temporary. (1363 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.56 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fat Tony (View user info) at 2006-12-09 23:55:36 EST
Beneath all the layers of lard and the calloused exterior, there is a heart. I hate to admit it, but it's always been there. Although I try to cover it up, it usually gnaws at my soul.
Los Angeles is a wonderful place to live, mid 70's to low 80's during the day in winter and 40's during the night. But our 40's are different then back east 40's. It's ..... colder for some reason. It's like the cold goes straight to your bones and works outward to your skin, rather then like other places where the cold works inward. It's hard to explain, but anybody from southern California knows exactly what I'm talking about.
On to why I need to numb the pain.
A dental lab calls me and needs some emergency repairs done to their autoclave. I usually don't work on autoclaves, but when it's an emergency I know money isn't usually a problem and I can charge just about whatever I want.
Their autoclave is leaking, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to notice that their is a leak in three of their copper pipes. The manager starts barking orders at me "Can you fix this thing or what? I've gotta have it working today! Not tomorrow. TODAY!" I explain that I can fix it, but it's going to cost a lot of money, he replied with "I don't give a shit, just fix the fucking thing."
I go to the nearest hardware store, pick up some copper solder, flux and a pencil torch w/fuel. I take my sweet time and even while jerking off on the project I finished it in under three hours. Shit, only three hours (could have been an hour if I really worked on it). How much can I charge for three hours labor? A hundred per hour? Plus materials? Fuck, this isn't what I made it out to be, I thought I'd make a clean grand on this one. Fuck it, money is money and it is Christmas.
I finish the project, they did a test and everything worked perfectly. The manager looks at me, shakes my hand and thanks me three times. "I'll be right back with your payment." My payment? WTF? How much does he think I want? Fuck it, I'll humor him, let's see what the cheap Jew is going to pay me (I'm in west L.A. btw, Jew central).
He walks out and hands me two small cauliflower looking molds that look like gold. "Dude, what the fuck is this?" The manager laughed and says "That's two ounces of 22K gold. That should more then cover your repairs." I just look at him and ask, "Gold? As in gold gold? Um....." He goes on to tell me that they are a dental laboratory and they use a lot of precious metals. Rather then cut me a check which would take a week if not longer, he just handed me these with the permission of the owner. At first I was slightly upset, then I thought, fuck yeah that's close to thirteen hundred bucks in my hand (give or take fifty bucks).
I head straight to King's Jewelery & Loan in Los Angeles, I made a phone call and they guaranteed me 5% below spot price. I walked out with $1245.50 and happy as can be.
As I'm walking to my car, I see a gook selling sleeping bags. At first I didn't pay attention to him, then I thought about it. It's cold at night, you just made some serious money for no fucking reason. Buy a few sleeping bags and go pass them out downtown L.A.
He wanted $25 each, after arguing with him for a few minutes and flashing some cash I got him down to $10.50 each. If I buy a gross. Twelve dozen. Fuck, it's going to cost me ...... $266.50 to do this. Fuck it, I'm not spending my own money. As I'm walking away, he says, "OK, OK, fourteen hunnet even. OK. OK? OK! Pay me now. OK." Without thinking, I dig in my pocket and hand over my money. I'm still out money! This fucking job cost me money! Fuck it, I'm not lacking anything in my life, in fact I have excess. "I'll be back in 30 minutes with my truck."
I called Scott and asked him to bring the truck and load it up and bring everybody over for an hour. We stopped on Los Angeles Street near 4th and Winston, I don't remember exactly and it was like a fucking feeding frenzy.
The first 10 we passed out were smooth and we got a few thanks, but then when word got out that we had sleeping bags, I feared for my life. There was pushing, shoving, cursing, and I wouldn't doubt it if one person got stabbed. One person almost got run over. Kids were shoving their way thru the line and begging and pleading for a sleeping bag. One kid was crying, he couldn't have been more then 5 and he was getting crushed by the crowd. I had Scott bring him up onto the truck by his hand and I asked him his name, "Jaime" (hy-meh) and he has three brothers. I hid four for him inside the truck for fear that Jaime might get robbed on the way to his family. Sure enough, 5 minutes later, after all of the bags were gone, I seen Jaime walking toward my truck with an ear to ear smile followed by three sibs. I handed out the last four and then a few of the locals got pissed and started to cuss and spit at us saying that they didn't get one. Things started to get slightly out of hand, so we all jumped in our cars and got the fuck outta there in a hurry. Jaime waved to me as I sped off in my car.
When I came home, my wife told me that I stank and needed a shower. She immediately ordered me in the guest bedroom shower and wanted to burn my clothes. I had the kids shoot a full bottle of Fabreeze in my ride to eliminate the oder. Just being near those sombitches got their funk on me.
I later told the wife what I did and then she got mad at me, "You have employees to do that kind of shit, why did you have to be there?"
Then I thought about it. I'm a glory whore. I wanted to get some credit for what I did, I wanted the gratitude of the people I helped. I didn't tell them I did it, but they could tell. Then again, I'm glad I did. If I didn't, Jaime and his three sibs wouldn't have sleeping bags tonight.
As I sit in my Herman Miller chair, 22K Rolex Daytona on my hand, thousand dollar suit on my ass, sixty dollar bottle of wine in my hand, I kinda realize how lucky I have things. You don't know how fucking perfect your life is until you look at the outside. I thank God I'm blessed with excess, then I think why is a low life scumbag like me so blessed? I'm sure a few of those other homeless were better people then me. I'm sure that they never did 1/3 the crap I did. Why am I so blessed? Why do I technically have it so easy.
Fugghetabouit. I got what I got how I got it. Hard work, determination, bullshit and prayer.
The pain? Comes from knowing that there are innocent kids sleeping in the cold hard streets of Los Angeles. Knowing that there are cute kids begging in the streets just trying to feed themselves. If I thought about it, I shoudl have offered a few of those kids a job sweeping up or something, it was only 8 blocks away from my shop.
Earlier today I was bitching about how they didn't have the navy blue pinstripe in a super 120 in a size 58 long. That was my biggest problem! They didn't have the suit I wanted and they didn't think they could get it before Christmas. I had the nerve to bitch, complain and moan like a little ..... TAMPON!
Sometimes I think that I should do more with my life. Don't knwo if it comes with silver pubes (yes, I have silver pubes here & there), but I kinda want to make a difference. I want to leave a footprint when I'm gone.
Fuck. I'm drunk. Expensive wine creeps up on you.
User Reviews
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-24 00:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT...I REPEAT DO NOT DO A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH FOR "XMAS FUCK YOU"!!!!!
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-24 00:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to quote mitch hedberg....
i saw a wino eating grapes the other day, and i'm like "dude, you have to wait"
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-24 00:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is the picture of my family that I paint sickening?
Are my kids spoiled? Yes, that's what rich people do, they spoil their kids. Poor people and middle class people don't spoil their kids because they can't afford it. I personally enjoy giving my kids the best of everything. You would too if you could.
My wife IS superficial. She has a rich husband. Yet she was attracted to me when I had nothing, married me when I had nothing and stood by my side while I was on trial and the Feds had everything I owned tied up. If she didn't love me, she'd leave. She can leave any time she wants to, everything is in her name (I made a post about it a year or so ago). Everything, the houses, cars, business, bank accounts, everything that WE have is in her name. Nothing is to stop her from a divorce except her heart.
You can refuse to believe that people like me exist all you want. Bitch, complain, protest, but the hard truth is that people like me rule the world. People like me get stronger, while people like yourself get weaker yet work harder and there is nothing you can do about it. It's a very hard cold fact, people like me are real. People like me are your bosses, your landlords, the people who take you to court and win, the people who have power over you, the people you will serve until the very day you die.
Nice guys finish last. Cool people finish second to last. It's assholes like me that make it. It's pricks like me that get ahead. The bigger prick you are, the more "assholeness" you have, the further you get in life.
Money can't buy love. For everything else there is American Express muthafucker. If you've got a good CPA it's a tax deduction too.
Firefly, it's safe bet to say that I make three or four times what you do in a year. It's also safe to say that I'm fatter, uglier, less educated, more of an asshole, more of a prick, more underhanded and less honest then you are. Doesn't that suck?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-12 10:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You know, I could die right now a very happy man after firefly's reviews below.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-12 09:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture you paint of yourself and your family is sickening. Your childern are so spoiled that the kids from Willy Wonka would look at them and say "Something needs to be done", your wife is a vapid superfical whore who lets her husband abuse and cheat on her but sticks around for the money and you are the most disgusting fat animal in the whole universe. I sometimes wonder if when you force your attentions on her and she inhales your reek as she takes on your three inches, she goes to the happy place in her mind, which I can only conclude is a shopping mall. I refuse to believe that people like you exist. There are cartoons that are more realistic than you people.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-12 09:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The only thing any of your family members or that whore you have on the side would be crying about if you died would be the fact that there money would be gone and they would stop crying as soon as your whore of wife found some other rich idiot to latch on to.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-11 21:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:06:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
no amount of money can change the fact that your life is a mess and the world as well as your family would be better if you killed yourself.
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Here's the thing. If I did kill myself, I know for a fact that several people would really REALLY guve a shit.
My 4 kids.
My wife.
Strange pie.
Scott (porta crapper)
A few of my customers
Vin
and of course Shlongy & Icky.
That's 10 more people then woudl give a shit then if you killed yourself.
Icarus, tell these fuckers that you woudl care if I offed myself.
Deep down, I know Method would care. He actually said he liked me. And I know it was from the heart.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-11 18:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dummy, you should have put that gold in a bag around your neck - you'd have a 2-picture development deal with Fox Searchlight by now...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Firefly?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fat fuck
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no amount of money can change the fact that your life is a mess and the world as well as your family would be better if you killed yourself.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-11 12:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 10:41:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
You deserve everything you get in life because you married a superfical whore. I hope you know she really hates you.
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Actually, my wife married me when I had nothing and was nobody. When we first met a good month for was was we both had a valid bus pass. Those days are long gone, and she even stood with me during my trial and even when I was facing 20+ years.
Does she really hate me? Maybe so, I've put her through hell several times. If she does "really hate me" then it gives me an even bigger ego and bigger hard on. If I have enough money and juice to keep a woman like that, then I must really have a lot going for me.
She has told me that she hates me a million times, can't deny the fact.
And yes, I do deserve everything I get in life. I work hard. There was plenty of room in my brain from not going to school and not learning proper spelling, grammer, English, math, science and what year the war of 1812 took place on what battle field and who crossed the Deleware River to discover some new shit that was already there.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-11 12:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-11 11:54:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
you will always be poor.
One week you will buy a huge TV and an assload of DVDs and crap from Best Buy because someone you know from work got a deal on some Best Buy cards and you paid 60% on the dollar for the cash value.
Then two weeks later you won't have the mortage money.
I know guys like you, Im related to them.
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Heh, that made me laugh. It's true. I'm what you call "Nigger rich". Get two grand at 4:30PM spend thirty five hunnet by 9:45PM
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-12-11 12:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the title.
I didn't read it. But the title is dead on.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-12-11 12:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you have to shave your forehead?
You have an unusually low hairline.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-11 11:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you will always be poor.
One week you will buy a huge TV and an assload of DVDs and crap from Best Buy because someone you know from work got a deal on some Best Buy cards and you paid 60% on the dollar for the cash value.
Then two weeks later you won't have the mortage money.
I know guys like you, Im related to them.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-12-11 11:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like abottle of Berringer White Zinfandel you are drinking, hardly 60 dollars....
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-11 11:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
bahahahahahahahahahaah
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V
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 10:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FAT PIG
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 10:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You deserve everything you get in life because you married a superfical whore. I hope you know she really hates you.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-12-11 10:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should kill your wife. she is a stupid bitch.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-12-11 02:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Keep on rocking in a free world!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-12-10 21:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:15:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:12:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm in a shit mood.
hello, whipping boy.
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I think somebody needs to get scourge a new bowl of cheerios, somebody had seemed to have pissed in his.
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His name is a typo, he meant to sign up as scrouge.
Christmas makes him grumpy.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-12-10 17:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for helping people.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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I just stretched your page, bitch!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage~streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch~biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i stopped reading at "exterior." blame the lard.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-12-10 10:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-12-10 10:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
woo charity
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-12-10 04:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too many words this late in the evening
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-12-10 04:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
air? i'm such a boob
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-10 03:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-12-10 03:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting enough for a one. You need to teach me your haggling skills.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-12-10 03:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Explain this to me. Hallie leaves Camp Walden (Anytown, Maine) early in the morning. They aren't specific about the time, but I'll air on the side of caution and say it was 7:00 AM. Whereupon, she arrives at the airport, gets on a plane, and heads to London. Assuming that the plane took off no less than a half hour after she left the camp (difficult to manage even in 1998) and assuming that the flight took 6 hours and factoring in a 5 hour time change, that should put her time of arrival at Heathrow at somewhere between 6:30 and 7:00 PM GMT.
Yet when she steps out of the plane, IT'S FUCKING BRIGHT OUT! WTF!
Stay with me, I'm just getting started. Now, Annie told Hallie that she would leave camp two hours after her (9:30 AM [two hours plus imaginary 30 minute take off time]). Factoring in a 7 hour flight to California and the loss of 3 hours with the time change, that puts her in Napa at 1:30 PM. YET ITS FUCKING DUSK!
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 02:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:25:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Used Kleenex? Yes. I was crying. Yes 1/3 a bottle of wine can get me crying when I think of cute and innocent kids sleeping in the streets.
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Nobody's really innocent. Sure, they probably don't deserve to be on the streets, but they aren't innocent for damn sure. There's got to be a level of responsibility in all things, and this time the government should have stepped in and taken over. Do not feel bad for these children, instead you should report these kids to your local child services branch. It will help them far more than 1/3 a bottle of wine and a few tears.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 01:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Explain again how your fatass managed to jump the fence?
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your heart-tugging stories get me every time. I still remember the series where you hired the homeless guy in the Porta-Potty. Great stuff.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Used Kleenex? Yes. I was crying. Yes 1/3 a bottle of wine can get me crying when I think of cute and innocent kids sleeping in the streets.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You have a very healthy imagination, cochino
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:12:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm in a shit mood.
hello, whipping boy.
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I think somebody needs to get scourge a new bowl of cheerios, somebody had seemed to have pissed in his.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm in a shit mood.
hello, whipping boy.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 00:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are those used Kleenexes I see? I thought you had a wife for that.