The Romius T. Guide to the Film Noir of Made for TV Movies (425 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.25 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <romiustexis.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-12-10 03:13:15 EST
"You should get out more often. See Florida. Hang out with me. Smoke a little pot. Get drunk and maybe fuck some bitches. Worst thing that happens is we hang out and you get into a little trouble."
At least Jeramey thinks we should hang out.
But I just tried that. We left the house to go get some coke. On the way to a convenience store I was accosted by a few mexican kids. None of whom were of an age that could be said to be greater than 8.
"Wanna see a donkey show?" One of the children asked.
The children must have caught the bewildered expression on my face. What followed the expression was an eruption. A cacophony of laughter at my expense.
What startled me most was not the question posed to me, or even the laughter directed at me. But my confusion over whether the children where in on the joke. Could they have been aware of the bitter irony posed by a small group of mexican children asking a white man to see a "Live Donkey Show?"
Where these the children of Mexican pornographers or circus performers? Where they forced by greedy or immoral parents to endure the rapid maturation and loss of innocence commensurate with being ticket takers at such graphic and disturbing programs?
So I think you know now why I prefer to stay indoors. And avoid any trouble while my stay keeps me in Palmetto, Florida. And instead order "Free" On Demand movies from Lifetime.
Tonight's download was- Blindsided. Starring Jeff Fahey and Mia Sara. Its current position on the Amazon.com Video Sales Rank is: #40,752.
My brother nearly turned the movie off soon after I ordered it. But Jeff Fahey and his movies have awakened something within me.
In addition, turning this movie off would have forced me to violate a most sacred oath. That oath commands me to continue forth with any movie delivered unto me through complicated efforts. The intricate requirements needed to order On Demand Movies by manipulating their multiple on screen commands fulfills such a standard set forth in the oath.
My brother has sworn off our oath because he deeply regretted ordering his pay per view "disaster movie" Absolute Zero. He will go to his death bed regretting those four dollars and ninety five cents.
But I won't. If it weren't for my brother's insistence on rectifying the Beta Max's jury rigged and clumsily attached wire remote controller we would have never seen The Lawnmower Man. Then the strange sway over my life that is Jeff Fahey would have never begun.
Luckily, right before my hand reached for the remote the words Mia Sara scrolled across the screen. My brother and I both have a crush on her. So he let the movie play, concluding Mia may be able to provide a counterweight to his general concern over the creepiness that is Jeff Fahey.
For roughly the first four minutes the movie's beginning presence is Mia Sara's white bikini. It is lovingly caressed by the camera. Lingering just long enough to convince me the that my empty existence could be validated by merely drawing in the aesthetic pleasure of her body.
That's not to say there are no problems with the movie. There are plot problems. Jeff Fahey's character Frank McCenna gets shot in the back. The gun shot causes him to go blind. He seeks remedy from his gunshot back and his subsequent blindness in Mexico.
Logically a Mexican recovery from blindness consists of hanging around in swimming pools while trolling for women. After meeting a member of the softer sex while swimming one then grows accustomed enough in ones blindness to attempt jogging along beaches with companion. Followed of course by the final Mexican "treatment" for blindness. A sure cure. Run down jagged cliffs with said companion.
There are some things to like about this movie. Some of those things consist in things other than the 90's soft core porn soundtrack.
I do like the way this movie pays homage to its roots. Frank McCenna wears high wasted slacks with undershirts. Mia Sara's character wears white sunglasses straight out of the 1940's. People get shot and there is no happy ending.
The next time you think about seeing a Live Mexican Donkey Show, can I implore you to instead seek enjoyment in a finely produced Made for TV Film Noir?
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-11 17:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
tijuana is only 30 minutes away from me, what's your excuse
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A friend many years ago made me watch the lawnmower movie with her... it fucking sucked.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 10:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Another five minutes of my life wasted.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-10 09:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-12-10 05:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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