Out Of Milk. Gone To Store. Be Back Soon (1879 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. IHOP of Awesome (View user info) at 2006-12-12 04:08:08 EST
The strong scent of sulphur stung my nose. I jerked my hand away and the match I had lit died in my fingertips. The paper glowed for an eye blink, then smoked into the air. I stared at the dead stick, coldly cursing it.
Last match.
Last chance.
I looked at Molly's empty spot at the table and apologized to her shadow.
"No happy birthday cake this year, Molly," I mumbled.
She was the last piece of you and I.
The best thing we ever did, you used to say.
Now you're both gone.
The house echoes of empty promises I made to be a better everything. A better father, a better husband and a better cook...I couldn't keep any of them.
Our last night together surfaces on days like today.
You slept with your back to me, shivering.
Maybe if I had turned around and held you closer, you wouldn't have left that morning.
And maybe those monkeys wouldn't have ambushed you and killed you in the parking lot, feasting on your brain like it was a bowl of pudding.
If I had been a better zookeeper, that definitely wouldn't have happened.
Molly drowned in the hippopotamus tank.
He ate her.
Like a bag of chicken wings.
Whoops.
I'm pretty shitty at everything.
Except getting people killed.
And feeding the hippo.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-18 15:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-12-14 22:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2006-12-13 21:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 14:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-12-12 23:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FABULOUS! *gheyest voice EVAR*
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-12 22:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get you yet darko...
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-12 21:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too
If you love a Hippopotamus
And you love her a-lotamus
She will be your friend
And that can be handy now and then-
(Like if your dildo is stuck
And your cunt lips won't budge
Your friend the Hippo will lean on it
And give it that extra nudge
(ahhhh)
If you really want a bong-hit
But it's too high on the shelf
Just climb on the back of a Hippopotamus
And get one for yourself
If you're put to bed
And you find that you just can't sleep,
Your friend the Hippopotamus
Into your room will creep
She'll sing you a lullaby
And make you get on all-fours,
Then do you from behind with a strap-on -
Like the shorty bitch whore you are.
Cause my hippopotamus likes eating me
from my top to my bottomus.
And getting off with a hippo
Is best when it's anonymous.
...Well ok that sucked. (Sorta had potential there in the middle, then it went to hell.)
For more on hippopotami, see http://www.ubersite.com/m/78139
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-12 21:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-12 20:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-12 17:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"dont be so hard on yourself. she was out of milk. snuggling up with her wouldn't have changed that. just be glad the monkeys didnt rape her to the point of multiple orgasms while they pointed at you and laughed."
+2 to that
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-12 17:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck molly. hippopotamus gets what they wants cuz they earned it
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-12 15:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this story musta taken a left turn at Albequerque...
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This went from bad to worse faster than Steve Irwin in a tub full of sting rays.
I know...it's WAY too early to steal jokes from south park. I mean it JUST aired!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was entertained on multiple levels. Good show.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-12-12 12:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-12-12 12:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does this technically qualify as a rope-a-dope?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-12-12 12:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn sure good.
more.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-12 10:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont be so hard on yourself. she was out of milk. snuggling up with her wouldn't have changed that. just be glad the monkeys didnt rape her to the point of multiple orgasms while they pointed at you and laughed.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-12 10:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-12 10:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
St. Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-12 10:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-12 08:08:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
And maybe those monkeys wouldn't have ambushed you and killed you in the parking lot, feasting on your brain like it was a bowl of pudding.
If I had been a better zookeeper, that definitely wouldn't have happened.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-12 09:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, indeed.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-12 08:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hippos never say no to deepthroating.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-12 08:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
buh?
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-12 08:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And maybe those monkeys wouldn't have ambushed you and killed you in the parking lot, feasting on your brain like it was a bowl of pudding.
If I had been a better zookeeper, that definitely wouldn't have happened.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-12 08:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i concur with sicosemen
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-12 07:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go for some tit milk.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-12-12 07:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haunting.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-12 06:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha. nice.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-12-12 06:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf!?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-12-12 06:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this picture made me laugh like a retard...now on to read
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-12-12 05:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-12-12 04:54:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was still half asleep when I first read this. That was the most aweseom double take I have ever done.
I still had to go back and read it again to make sure my dream life hadn't spilt over in to reality.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-12-12 04:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steve, you have angered me for the last time, now we must kung-foo fight
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-12-12 04:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Send me a recipe fucker!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96715
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2006-12-12 04:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoy it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-12 04:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And maybe those monkeys wouldn't have ambushed you and killed you in the parking lot, feasting on your brain like it was a bowl of pudding"
But whos brain is puddinger?