Why you should keep produce away from children (1356 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by St_Jimmy (View user info) at 2006-12-12 13:16:36 EST
Adolescence: a time for the making of fond memories while growing up and discovering new things. That might be true for some, but not me. For me, adolescence was a period of awkwardness and horrible misunderstandings. Misunderstandings involving produce.
It's like it was yesterday. I'd just turned 13 and was in the seventh grade. We were having a Life Science lab and everyone was to bring in a carrot. That morning I dug through the vegetable bin looking for the biggest, baddest, most fuck-all carrot since I sure as hell wasn't about to be the only kid in the room who ran out of carrot halfway through the lab! Sure enough, I found something more than adequate. That thing was about 7-8 inches long and fat. I was prepared.
Unfortunately, the lab consisted of taking very thin slices from various parts on the carrot and looking at them under a microscope and sketching what we saw. Frankly, if I had a baby carrot, I still would have had plenty left over. Not wanting to be wasteful, I stuck the rest of the carrot in my front pocket to take home and put back in the bin. Why I didn't just put it in my backpack, I do not know.
At the time, I'd been seeing Carrie for a few weeks. She was gorgeous. I was 13 going on about 10; she was 13 going on about 27. Suffice it to say, she was quite "well-developed". I don't think I'll ever know what got her interested in me, but who was I to complain? Anyway, her parents were divorced and about once a week, her mom would have to work until 5 and we'd have the house all to ourselves for a couple of hours after school. As it turned out, "carrot day" was one of these days.
The previous unsupervised days had consisted mainly of kissing and once she even let me play with her boobs (which made my year, by the way). So after school, we met up and walked to her house. We got there, turned on some Animaniacs, and started our adolescent fooling around. Things were going on pretty much as they had on previous occasions until she reached down and started rubbing my carrot. I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
The thought had crossed my mind to maybe move her hand over. To come clean and tell her that the large, hard thing in my pants is really just a piece of produce. Naw! What harm could it do. Worst case scenario: she thinks I'm hung like a stallion. Hell, maybe she'll even start a rumor at school. I mean come on, it not like she's gonna pull my pants down and...
"I wanna see it."
Oh fuck.
In hindsight, she was strangely proficient in de-pantsing me. Before I knew it, my pants were down and she was looking confused, disappointed, and angry all at the same time. My explanation that what she thought was me was really nothing more than an excellent source of vitamin A did nothing to calm her down.
I was kicked out of her house while being assaulted with such ugly accusations like "pervert", "sicko", and "fruit-fucker". Course a carrot's not a fruit, but I think she was going for the alliteration. I still don't know how she didn't see that damn thing in the first place. It stuck out of the top of my pocket a good couple of inches. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part.
To top it all off, when I got home, I realized she'd kept the carrot. Probably just as well, I couldn't compete against that thing.
User Reviews
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2006-12-14 02:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Cause this almost gave me a stiffy.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-14 02:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
flaming carrot auto +2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-13 15:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post about your root.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 14:36:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-13 03:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was kicked out of her house while being assaulted with such ugly accusations like "pervert", "sicko", and "fruit-fucker". Course a carrot's not a fruit, but I think she was going for the alliteration"
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This was hilarious!
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-12 23:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-12 17:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love adolescent fumblings.....
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-12-12 16:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, entertaining. Silver.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-12-12 16:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-12 15:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bitch
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-12 15:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when you mentioned a carrot, my first response was
'oh god dont tell me'
haha that was funny
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she wanted a carrot with a big vein in it
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah fucking A!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
with...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time, go woth the cucumber instead.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone knows that you pull the carrot out of your own ass before trying to put it in hers.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-12 14:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sure she's traded it in for one of this big ripply cucumbers by now
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot." - Franklin Sherman, The Critic
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-12-12 13:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
maybe she wanted to have her cake and eat it too?