No more Barn dances for me. (756 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2006-12-13 06:56:31 EST
Imagine; if you will, the situation.
You have been out with friends drinking in various fine establishments. You were at a club and you glanced over the shoulder of your best friend, as he relayed the story about 'The Casualty Trip', and you met the eyes of a lovely lady.
She looks at you and, being as ugly as you are, you wonder if she is actually looking at you. You look around to discover that it can only be you that she is looking at. She starts to move towards you. Your heart misses a beat slightly and you take a step forward. You find that you are directly in front of each other and she tilts her head slightly and smiles saying "Hi".
You stand there gob smacked and a little bit of dribble escapes from the corner of your mouth. Your mind races as it tries to come to terms with what is happening. Your mind then reminds you that you haven't said anything yet. You don't want to be cheesy but you want to say something good as an opener. Various things flash through the mind and you see a slight twitch on her face of impatience. You are just about to lose her if you don't stop the 'Special Needs' act.
"Hi." You mop your brow and marvel at how much spit you can throw at someone with just two little letters. You also marvel at how crap your opener was. She says "Hi" again, and you realise this really isn't going well.
"Hi my name is Drogoroch, sorry but you're gorgeous and that made me dumb for a moment." She giggles slightly at this and says "Hi" yet again. You cringe inwardly as you remember that you failed at the 'non cheesy' part.
You both stand for a moment, she seems happy in just looking at you playing with her hair and smiling. You feel the presence of your half filled pint weighing down your arm and quickly drink it all down, like that will make it lighter.
"Would you like a drink? You haven't told me your name." You ask this just to get away from the awkward situation developing. She nods and you place a hand on her back to guide her to the bar.
(She doesn't shy away from the touch, tick!)
With alcohol purchased you find a spare seat and start to chat. When I say chat you basically ask questions and sit back to listen. The answers come in thick and fast and your mind picks up various bits and pieces so that you can act like you paid attention later. You look into her eyes as she talks and you are aware that she is sitting very close to you. There is skin to skin contact at the hands.
"You are so easy to talk to, I feel so relaxed." This takes you by surprise as you haven't even had to spike her drink.
Her lips are suddenly locked on yours.
(Your mind says result.)
The evening progresses and mates come over to chat. Some make gestures behind her back, the ones that involve pretend blow jobs and humping movements. You tell them to piss off in a macho type way.
It comes to a moment when she wants to dance. You tell her how you can't; she laughs and grabs your hand dragging you to the floor.
Moments later she is left in no doubt as to your dancing prowess. You grab her in a close embrace and kiss her, more to avoid any further injury to nearby dancers than for the kiss. She hungrily responds and you wonder if she had dinner this evening.
More drinks and more kissing later and you have been introduced to the 'friends'. They seem friendly enough and at one point you are left alone with the big ugly one as 'your' girl and the rest go to the loo.
You smile at the one left behind and ask her if she is ok. She says that she always stays behind to guard the table and the drinks. You nod and tell her what a good idea that is; whilst your mind tells you that she probably drives them everywhere as well. The girls return laughing and looking at you side ways. You wonder if she felt your semi through your trousers whilst dancing.
The lights in the club come on and you are blinded slightly. Through squinted eyes you look at the girl and decide that she still looks pretty good. She obviously does the same to you and links your arms. Outside you wait for a taxi and a decision has to be made.
You find that you are both in a taxi heading back to your place.
(Mind says result again.)
Inside the door you show her the sofa and you go to the kitchen for a drink. Returning you hand it to her then she pounces on you. You don't put up much of a struggle and you soon find that you have no shirt on.
In a practised move you hold her in your arms and gently pick her up. She squirms a bit but allows you to carry her through to your room. You gently deposit her on the bed and kick off your shoes. You reach down remembering to remove your socks, because male blokes in porn films always leave them on and it annoys you.
You sit astride her and hold her in your arms as you kiss. You kiss her behind the ear, nibbling a bit on the lobe; you then kiss down her neck. You raise her off the bed and pull off her top. She struggles with the buckle of your belt and so you reach down to help her and push down your jeans.
Her delicate hands start to caress you. You run your hands up her back and you stop. You move your hands around her back again just to confirm what you thought you felt. You feel sick rise slightly in your throat and you swallow it down.
Her hands are still touching you but you feel yourself start to lose firmness.
Your mind desperately tries to sort out the problem with her back and then it hits you. Instead of a soft downy fluff on her back your fingers feel like they are stroking a wolf. You physically recoil and she drops back to the bed.
Too much hair, far too much hair, races through your mind and the sick in your throat comes back. You have lost all firmness and she asks if you are alright. You lean over to her and say "I'm fine; I think I drank too much. I will have you in the morning."
You roll over and pretend to sleep; cursing the fact that you actually said you would have her in the morning. After ignoring her for about ten minutes she realises that it is game over for the night and goes to sleep.
(You drift off dreaming of Yetis.)
The morning is the worst as memories of her back come back to you as soon as you see her in bed next to you. You briefly consider carrying through your threat of 'having' her then run off to the toilet.
When you come back she is awake and you tell her that you feel as rough as shit. You offer to drive her home and you both get dressed in silence. An uncomfortable atmosphere is present on the drive. When you stop she gives you her phone number and thanks you for a wonderful night. You reciprocate and then drive off.
As you get home you crawl into bed and ask yourself:
"How the fuck do you tell a gorgeous woman that she has a seriously hairy back, and you can't have sex with her until she sorts it out?"
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-26 14:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to simultaneously have the best and the worst luck... hehe.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-15 09:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-12-14 02:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-12-13 20:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Assuming this is a true story, you don't have to tell her. Unless she's really clueless, she knows. She's not come down to picking up droolers in bars because her old man voted Republican, nor because of any other skeletons in her closet.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was her name L-O-L-A Lola?
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-12-13 11:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice format, although I was continuously waiting for a "To fuck the fat friend, go to page 6. To leave with the hairy girl, turn to page 31." Choose your own adventure style.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-13 11:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 09:46:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf is wrong with pictures today?
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I was looking forward to seeing it. :(
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-13 11:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 09:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf is wrong with pictures today?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-12-13 09:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-13 09:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't view the picture but the story is already good enough.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-13 09:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BLARRRRF
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-12-13 08:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-13 07:20:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 07:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need my ratings higher...rating just to rate.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-13 07:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was her name Dobbin?