A Pretentious Pretense (726 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by charminglybeef (View user info) at 2006-12-13 16:27:27 EST
"Oh Bethany," wheezed Henry, "those scones I swear are the droppings of Cupid! I feel woozy having eaten only four. Won't you try one?"
"I am afraid I will not; it is very bad manners for a woman to love. Or to eat, for that matter."
"Ahh," agreed Henry, and he paused, pretending to think. "Well what of a man?"
"I find love in a man to be quite enlightened," replied Bethany airily.
"And eating?" he asked cautiously.
"On a man of much corpulence, love is the garment most fitting."
"Well I think that with every scone it fits me less and less flatteringly," chuckled Henry, rocking himself back to within reach of the platter.
"That truly is the trouble, isn't it, Henry? -- pleasure comes at the expense of great pain," and she puffed at a long, slim cigarette.
"Well I'm inclined to agree, but as the saying goes, there are exceptions to every rule," and he stopped. "Except that rule of course, but I suppose that in itself would be its exception, would it not? Oh bother, now what was I talking about?"
"If I know you, you were going to say something sentimental to the quality of our friendship."
"Oh, right! -- Dear Quality of Our Friendship, I would be inclined to agree with Bethany and her brutish impressions of pleasure, except that I do simply love our friendship, and it costs me not an ounce of happiness."
He looked at her expectantly, waiting on a response from The Quality of Their Friendship. Instead she said flatly, "I dare say it does not."
But truth be told, if Bethany were actually daring to say anything, it would be this: "Henry, I am very sorry, but by now I can hardly even remember the times I enjoyed your company, let alone your pretentious banter."
"Do you remember when we first met?" asked Henry, as if guided by his life's narration.
"Of course I do."
"You were so very triste and it made you so very beautiful. It was the day of your husband's wake." He spoke with a mouth full of scone.
"Yes Henry, I remember."
"And I walked up to you as a perfect gentleman and offered you my platonic service. You were so grateful, Bethany," he said, rolling back onto his rounded belly.
"There are frequently times a widow needs a suitor, and rarely times a widow needs a friend. It is a special kind of man who knows which and when, and of all of Franco's acquaintances, you were the only one; and for that, I am forever grateful."
Which was true. And when reminded of Henry's kind and simple devotion Bethany almost felt that what she was doing was rotten and unfair. She wished she could forget. But as it was, she couldn't, and the closest she could come to forgetting was justifying: 'Well, surely that Rottie Pinkerton isn't the predatory beast she is wont to be described -- she's just a different kind of Henry, and they might even find themselves happy together. And if that should happen, well, that would be best for everyone'.
Yes, everyone.
"So Henry," began Bethany delicately, "I was wondering if you might do me a favour tonight."
"Oh, anything."
"Meet a friend of mine for dinner. I had made the engagement but feel a swoon coming on and fear I shall be too ill to attend."
"Then I should stay to look after you!"
"I would quite rather you went," she insisted, "Rottie Pinkerton is a wonderful friend of mine who hardly ever gets a chance to get out. She will be devastated by my cancellation, but will most certainly forgive me when she finds herself to be dining with such a perfect gentleman as yourself."
Henry squirmed to righten himself. "Oh Bethany, I couldn't."
"Oh Henry, you must," she said with a Madame's finality. "It will be a favour to me, and to Ms. Pinkerton, and to yourself."
"But Rottie Pinkerton! -- such a vulgar name for dinner," protested Henry.
"Beautiful things are often stuck in hideous packages," observed Bethany, looking at him significantly.
At length he ceded. "I suppose that is true," he said, puffing out his chest and lifting his goose chin. "So where is it I shall be feasting tonight?"
"At the Scarlet Anise."
Henry stared off, sucking crumbs from his fingers. "I don't know, Bethany," he whined, "I have just bought a new orchid. A truly precocious thing, with flowers before leaves! If I were to leave it, what message would I be sending of leaves?"
"I think you would be saying that leaves are good, and entirely necessary; but if you are so concerned, have the chauffeur bring it here and I will take care of it."
"Oh Bethany, I just don't know. Me, dinner, alone -- with a strange woman?"
"Just because she is a stranger, does not make her strange. In fact, she is quite a specimen, Henry."
"Well I find a stranger's beauty most distressing," he said defiantly.
"I did not necessarily imply beauty."
He sat upright. "Well which is it, you rascal?"
"Surely you will never know if you do not go."
At this Henry made a noise like a hound at the vet. "Ohhhh! All right." And after a moment's thought, "are you sure her husband will not mind?"
"She is without a husband," said Bethany. "She has very fine taste in men," and she smiled a little to herself. "Now hurry along -- dinner is at seven and my chauffeur will pick you up at six promptly."
Henry scurried off, heading out of the garden and in the direction of dinner and Rottie Pinkerton -- a combination both invigorating and entirely terrifying. "Well I shall see you tomorrow morning then!" he shouted from the gate.
"Absolutely!" called Bethany sweetly. "And do be good!"
Henry arrived early, dressed as elegantly as his body would permit, and sweating profusely. Ms. Rottie Pinkerton was already seated and munching on hors d'oeuvres. She nibbled delicately beneath a mane of rough red hair pinned high upon her head. Floating on her enormous frame was an unfashionably pink dress, which fit her like a gumboots might an infant. The skin of her face was pockmarked and heavily powdered, and the corners of her mouth sagged so that when she smiled it looked a grotesque mating of joy and horror.
Which she did, as soon as Henry approached. "Ms. Rottie Pinkerton, I presume?" said Henry happily, taking her hand. He was pleased by her looks. The only attractive woman who didn't make him feel small was Bethany.
"And you must be Henry George," she beamed. "Bethany has told me so much about you."
Henry's cheeks filled with blood and he hastened to let go of her greasy grip. "She did?" he asked, taking his seat.
"Oh yes; she had many flattering things to say about you," said Rottie -- pink dress billowing as she flopped into her chair.
"She did?" repeated Henry, surprised.
"She told me you were quite handsome... and very successful."
He grinned broadly. Rottie continued: "And I would be inclined to agree -- well, with the handsome part, anyway. As of yet, the rest I do not know."
"Why thank you, Ms. Pinkerton. And as for the rest, I am not one to speak of matters so self-indulgent." He looked about coolly and fussed with his napkin. "Did she say anything else?" he asked, trying to sound uninterested.
"She said you were a very eligible bachelor," suggested Rottie, fluttering her lashes, "and that you had a beautiful home in the country, and did very well in the jewelry business."
"Well it is true that I have a home in the country, and that I am indeed in the jewelry business," said Henry with apparent modesty.
"Would you mind if I solicited your professional opinion then, Mr. George?" she asked, offering her hand across the table. Henry leaned forward politely, mumbling something in praise. "Oh you simply must take a proper look," she asserted, "I expect you to find it a most masterful cut of ruby."
Reluctantly, he took her hand and drew his spectacles. Ms. Pinkerton, seizing the opportunity, seized also Henry's hand, and he started. Encouraged by the movement, Rottie locked his gaze. "As a jeweler you must have a rather keen appreciation for the--" and she paused to clear her throat "-- the rare and beautiful things of the earth."
"Um, yes," said Henry uncomfortably, taking back his hand. "I suppose it is a necessary trait."
"And Bethany tells me you might be looking for a new addition to your collection," Rottie pressed, "perhaps in the form of the rarest and most precious of all things?" She fluttered her lashes.
"Well I don't know how Bethany would know that!" exclaimed Henry, somehow missing Rottie's point. "It might be true, but I certainly don't think I've given her any reason to know it," and he tugged at his lower lip.
"Oh yes, she is quite certain of it," replied Rottie in the spirit of the evening.
Chewing at his index finger, eyebrows arched and dancing, Henry asked, "Well, what does she think?"
"I think she would be quite supportive," and she smiled a knowing smile.
"Has she told you that?"
"Sometimes words are not necessary, Mr. George. But I do believe it is why we are both here."
"You mean, she sent me here just for this?"
"Oh, I'm quite sure of it."
And this was how they continued, performing this conversational dance late into the night -- the last pair on the floor, in fact -- extremities touching, but always something between them, for it was ballroom they danced. And when they did finally part, the hearts of each lingered on the evening, but for different reasons.
Henry rose late the next day, having seen the sun before bed, and took great care in shaving and grooming himself before finally making his way to Bethany's. She was, as always, sitting in the garden.
"Well this is certainly a late arrival for you; occupied well into the night I take it?"
"Indeed I was, but on perfectly gentlemanly terms I'll have you know."
"That I have no doubt," she said, puffing the ubiquitous cigarette. "But I have spoken to Ms. Pinkerton this morning, and she told me you two hit it off swimmingly."
"She was a very nice woman, and we had a very nice time," said Henry politely.
"She seemed to think there might be something romantic on your horizons," Bethany pressed, "marriage even."
His cheeks reddened fully. "That may have come out," and he looked quickly to his feet.
"Well, what are you going to do now?" she goaded, pulling with great satisfaction from her cigarette. "I would think you very foolish to waste any time."
"I know, I know! But it is all very sudden. Of course I am interested -- I mean, how could I not be? -- and of course I am flattered that someone so intelligent and beautiful could have an interest in someone like me! -- but it is all so overwhelming -- and is that wine you're drinking?"
"I'll have you know it is."
"What on earth calls for wine at this hour?"
"I was simply celebrating, Henry. Life. Freedom. Love." And she raised the glass, smiling mischievously. "To all these things," she declared, pressing it to her lips.
He smiled timidly and brought his eyes to hers.
Bethany looked back oddly. "So what are you going to do?" she asked.
"I don't know," and he cocked his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "What do you think I should do?"
"I think you should ask her to marry you."
He laughed nervously. "This is a rather odd way to go about it, don't you think?"
"Well it's certainly not the woman's place to be doing it!"
He began to pace. "But everything now is so secure, and marriage changes everything! I mean, what would it do to us, Bethany? What would it really do?"
"Oh Henry, you coward! Marriage is worth so much more than mere friendship, and it is nothing short of silliness to let the one stand before the other. The price of joy is peril. That is what makes marriage so much more than friendship -- the risk!" and she scoffed, staring out over the garden. "There used to be days when foolishness would inspire a man to ask -- not dissuade him."
"Well, yes, I suppose you're right. But I so sorely wish to make an excuse! Couldn't we just continue as we have been, and pretend that none of this ever happened?"
"Henry, if it is security you want, then security I shall provide: if she does not accept you, then I myself shall accept you."
"How easy those things are to say," lamented Henry, turning his back to her.
"We have been greatest of friends for so many years now, Henry. I offer this as a promise."
"Oh Bethany!" he sang, spinning on his heel. "So it is that certain then? You promise?"
She turned to look at Henry, who was now down on one knee. "I don't know how it could be any more certain," she said. "Now what are you doing on the ground like that?"
"Oh Bethany," he said, bubbling, "I wish I had a ring, but with love this certain I feel it to be somewhat of a frivolous formality," and he took a deep breath, his buttons taut against his gut, and exhaled this in one great rush: "I have loved you ever since the day I met you. It is not in my nature to discuss these things, but now, with it all out in the open I feel I have the power to do so. And for that, I thank you from the depths of my being. Will you marry me?"
"Henry! Absolutely not!" And then her eyes were wide and she dropped her wine.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-29 12:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this didn't hurt me.
And I loved the style.
(And apropos of your comment "... deuce ...", there are nuances inherent in every rating. I believe that this is a +2, certainly when taken in context of Uber, but you perhaps don't feel it is a +2 when compared to you at your best.)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The dialogue was a pleasure to read, but the story was lacking something. Maybe the twist you presented is just all too often the way life truly ends up.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't find anything wrong with this...
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-13 22:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most excellent.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-13 21:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:40:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAha.... this is awesome.
SOOO very Victorian, I can almost see the ecru lace edging on everything...
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite well written and clever, but in that distinct fashion of "The Importance of being Earnest" which I could never quite stomach. http://www.readbookonline.net/title/458/
But here's a two for the flowery effect of language. Not your fault it makes me want to slap people.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAha.... this is awesome.
SOOO very Victorian, I can almost see the ecru lace edging on everything...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think a two-streak should stop ya from rating honestly.
This isn't a straight deuce.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:16:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought of this more as a +1 thing, but breaking a +2 streak is like dashing into a sheet of untrodden snow.
--
I wish more people felt like that. Especially the alters. Those fucking castrati haunt me and... oh. Never mind.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO, rate righteously my friend.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought of this more as a +1 thing, but breaking a +2 streak is like dashing into a sheet of untrodden snow.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I feel very niggerish.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too late. I already have another unimpressive poem in the pipeline for today.
Maybe I'll write a story for this Christmas thing. Lord knows I haven't started on it yet.
Tomfool.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87140
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87537
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89493
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92900
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94291
UM:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93568 (#1)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94272 (#2)
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the whole time i was reading this I kept picturing that cartoon guy saying "WHUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAT?"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"This did much to inspire me to laugh, and filled me with a deepest whimsy," he said in a most relaxed and uncalculating manner.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Typos?
This was my original idea for 'Paradox', but I scrapped it 'cause I couldn't tie in the title well enough.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
King of the Typos says, "Yes, kids, I was VERY amused."
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I laughed out load at the first line, so that's an obvious +2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed this
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2