UberMas ’06: I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause (1663 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Ubermas
Rating: 1.61 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-12-13 16:42:09 EST
Tim opened his eyes when he heard a loud thump and a soft squeal.
He had only been half asleep. Not only was he excited that it was Christmas Eve, but all he could smell was the chocolate chip cookies his mom made, the ones he put out for Santa. He really liked his mom's chocolate chip cookies.
He'd heard a squeal like that once before, when Mr. Death caught a mouse. His mom and dad told him he should call the cat something else, and Tim could remember his dad sitting at the dining room table one evening and saying, "I am not going to stand on the doorstep and holler 'Mr. Death!' every night for all of New Rochelle to hear while trying to get that thing to come inside."
Tim had suggested that they put a little cat door in the back door of the house and his dad had called him 'shrewd,' while his mom laughed.
After dinner Tim had looked up 'shrew' in the Encyclopedia Britannica and wondered why his dad had compared him to a little animal that dug around in the dirt and ate earthworms. Grown-ups were weird.
Tim got out of bed and crossed his room, putting his ear to his bedroom door, which was always left open an inch or two to let in a little light from the hall.
He heard his mom talking to someone, but it wasn't his dad.
He looked back at the clock on the table by his bed. The glowing green hands told him it was just after eleven o'clock. Christmas day was an hour away. Outside his window it was snowing.
Tim opened his door and walked to the top of the stairs. He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them. His bare feet didn't make a sound. He went halfway down the carpeted stairs and then sat for a moment. He could see shadows moving on one wall. Most of the light was coming from the flashing bulbs on the Christmas tree.
"I want you to get out of my house," his mom said.
"Oh, shut the hell up," a man said.
Tim slipped down a few more stairs along the curve of the stairway and sat peering through the wooden rails under the smooth banister.
He could see his mom, partly blocked by the big Christmas tree they had all put up two weeks ago. She was wearing her cozy robe. A pair of hands in black gloves grabbed her shoulders. He could hear her bare feet making little thuds on the clean wooden floor. She bumped into the wall and hit the calendar that had all the little windows in it, windows with chocolates behind them. Tim saw the big red number 1963 jump as the calendar fell to the floor.
"Get away from me!"
His mom sounded scared.
"I know you got some nice stones that hubby bought with the Christmas bonus he just got. All I want is the stones and your cash and I'm gone. Well, maybe I want one more thing."
The man stepped closer to his mom and kissed her. Tim's eyes widened in disbelief. It was Santa Clause! And he was kissing mom!
"Let's get rid of this shit," Santa said, pulling pink plastic curlers out of her hair and throwing them away.
Santa slid one black gloved hand into his mom's robe.
"Ooh... That's some serious titty you got there, toots," Santa said. "You could give Jane Mansfield a run for her money."
Tim heard his mom sniffling. She was crying. She and Santa moved and he could see them even better. She looked down by the couch and her face was red and wet. Tim looked there and saw something by the couch. It was a pair of slippers. The toes were pointing straight up. Those were his dad's slippers. He couldn't see anything else. The coffee table was in the way.
"Come on," Santa said. "I only cold-cocked him. If he isn't a complete pussy he'll be up and around in a few hours with just a headache. A course, he is an accountant, so maybe picking up those big specs he wears is the only exercise he ever gets."
Tim saw that Santa still had one hand in his mom's robe, like he was playing with her boobies. Santa's other hand slid between her legs and wormed inside the terrycloth folds. She was wearing her blue PJs under her robe.
"If you ever want to buy a present for a girl," his dad had once told him, "Buy her silk. Women love silk."
Tim had made a face. "Why would I want to buy a present for a girl?"
His dad had laughed and patted his shoulder and grazed his cheek with the back of one big hand. Tim liked it when his dad did that. His mom always said that dads have a hard time saying 'I love you,' and that was his dad's way of saying those words.
"Holy crow, baby," Santa said. "You're pretty trim for a broad who pumped out a kid."
Santa bent a little and Tim heard something ripping. Santa stood up holding his mom's pajama bottoms and she fumbled with her robe, trying to cover her bare legs.
Tim had seen other men taking long looks at his mom. Sometimes, when they went to the supermarket or the movies, men whistled at his mom. She always looked embarrassed. When Tim asked his dad what the whistling and the long looks meant, he always got the same answer. "It means I am a lucky man."
Santa grabbed his crotch and squeezed it a few times, just like Tim's mom squeezed the juice out of oranges in the morning. Santa still had one hand on mom's arm, and Tim could see her trying to get away. Santa pulled open her robe and tore her pajama top and Tim saw everything. He heard his mom crying and heard buttons from her top make little clacking noises as they hit the floor by the tree. He looked away and felt his face go hot. He was angry, and embarrassed for his mom.
At school an older kid had once said, "Hey Tim, your mom has really big tits." Everybody had laughed. Tim had thrown a rock at the kid and hit him right between the eyes.
Tim's mom bit Santa's arm and he pulled his hands back. She tucked her robe closed, but Santa had her trapped against the wall.
"You tramp," Santa said. "You dumb bitch. You're gonna pay for that."
Tim might have been only ten years old, but he knew a really bad guy when he saw one.
He ran to the bottom of the stairs and nearly knocked over the little table holding a lighted candle, and a glass of milk and the plate of cookies for Santa. He shouted, "Get away from my mom!"
Santa looked over his shoulder and laughed. His bushy white beard had slipped down to his chin. "So this is the only one in the family with any balls, huh? Jesus, ya gotta love it."
Tim saw his mom reach over to the tree and grab a candy cane.
"Beat it, kid," Santa said, "Or I'll shove those chocolate-chip cookies up your ass."
Santa swung Tim's mom around once and then again, like they were dancing. He leaned close to her and said, "Kiss-kiss, baby."
She smashed the candy cane against his mouth. It wasn't candy, but an ornament of fine glass. It shattered in her hand and sliced into his lips and gums. Both of them cried out in pain.
Santa started to speak, "You fucking bi—" and then screamed.
When he put his lips together the glass shards in them stabbed deeper into his flesh.
Tim's mom got down on her hands and knees, and as Tim got closer he could see that his dad was lying on the floor. His dad had blood on one side of his face and was wearing only half of a broken pair of glasses.
"Holy huck!" Santa put a hand to his mouth and came away with blood on his fingers. "Heezuz cryze!" He spoke carefully and the thin fragments of glass sticking out of his lips glittered.
Tim looked around for something to throw at Santa. All he saw was the glass of milk beside the plate of cookies. He grabbed the glass and threw it. His throw was crappy. The glass shattered against the wall behind Santa, but most of the milk splashed into his eyes and face and soaked the top of his red and white suit.
"For fuck sake," Santa said, plucking slender needles of glass out of his lips and blinking milk out of his eyes. "I'm gonna break your skinny little arms for that!"
Tim looked down at his dad. Mom had dad's head in her lap. His dad was looking back at him. His dad raised one hand and made a pushing motion.
Tim realized that his mom was bent low, right behind Santa's feet. He ran forward and shoved Santa. Santa tripped backwards over his mom and fell into the Christmas tree.
Ornaments jingled and shook and shattered. Santa struggled to get to his feet, popping colored light bulbs and knocking the angel off the top of the tree.
"You little piece of shit," Santa said. He was the scariest thing Tim had ever seen, with red eyes and a red mouth and a mean, white face. "It's over."
Santa had strands of lights wrapped around him, and as he stood up more of them broke, the small sockets pressing against his damp red suit and his wet face.
There was a low humming sound and Santa stopped moving.
One of Santa's eyelids twitched, and his black gloved fingers jerked and twitched like he was playing an invisible piano. Tim sniffed the air and made a face. Santa had crapped right in his pants.
There was a loud popping sound and all the lights went out.
Santa fell sideways, taking the whole Christmas tree with him.
In the light of the candle by the milk and cookies Tim saw his mom help his dad stand up. He ran to them and they squeezed him so hard he thought he was going to suffocate.
His mom bent and kissed him on the cheek. His dad grazed his other cheek with the back of one hand and said, "Tough guy."
While his dad carefully went down the basement stairs to replace the burned-out fuse, his mom unplugged the Christmas tree lights and went to the phone in the hall to call the police.
Tim went over to the little table and took a chocolate chip cookie. His mom had baked them, and she was the best cook in the world. He looked at Santa, lying under the Christmas tree. Something smelled burned.
"Screw you," Tim whispered, taking a big bite from the cookie. "These are mine."
User Reviews
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This puts The Grinch to shame.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-16 23:26:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is some freaky shit. I'm halfway through a Christmas story for my little niece (because I'm too cheap to buy presents) and it is called "A Box of Winter."
Guess what the little girl in the story gets?
Synchronicity rules.
===
Whoa. Synchronicity with a McCallum idea? I'll take that. I'd love to read yours.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-12-17 14:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Jack, (with some shitty titles to work from. Which asshole provided them?)
Sorry I have had no time to contribute, but sometimes real life catches up.
-Dave
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-17 10:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it was all right.
not, however, the 'kicker of all ass.'
i pretty much agree with gofer.
Submitted by Casus_Belli (user info) at 2006-12-16 17:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa's been naughty. My world is all turned upside down now.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-15 08:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My solution for the kid problem, at least on here when I don't spend too much time with it, is just to use some kind of inventive voice. Never straight up I. With my St.Eubrie thing, I used her name almost every time I should have just said "she" and with my most recent non-comp thing I just called her "the little girl." It makes it more sing-songy which reminds people of children.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-15 08:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All true, gfh. There is a huge difference between the stuff I put on Uber and stuff I send out. I'm working on a kid's book series.
Got the first of 3 done, and that is as you said, a difficult balance to find.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-15 05:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, upon actually reading this instead of just skimming it, I've gone and changed my mind. Since you seem to be on your man period I'll give you some good and specific reasons.
1) The way they fight the burglar is straight up stupid. Glass ornaments, pushing him into the Christmas tree, etc. It's like something out of a low-budget version of Home Alone, except it's not supposed to be funny.
2) The end really really really doesn't work. The cookie line? Jesus, Jack, copouts and trick endings are the kind of shit I do when I feel like pissing people off and I'm not as forward with my talent as you are.
3) The rape. I know it's described from a kid's point of view and that makes it hard, but it seems really neurotic and perverted rather than what it is, which is brutal and perverted (two different perverteds there, I just leave it to you to see the difference since I'm supposed to be learning Nietzsche for my philosophy final tomorrow).
4) The narrative voice. It's inconsistent. It's hard to write from a kid's perspective, because there's a balance you've got to find between keeping it innocent and simplifying the vocabulary and also making it readable and interesting. Here you make him sound like a stupid middle schooler when I think you were going for something younger, based on some of the character choices.
I know writing kids. It's one of the things I do well. I've got practice.
I'm working on a book, too.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 21:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well look at that.
I guess there's an up side to all of this attention after all...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-14 20:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
my word!
super gayness below
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-12-14 18:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For bitching about a +1.
Valid enough reason?
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-12-14 16:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay rape and santa ass kicking!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 15:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-14 15:19:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
No commment
tee hee
--
That was worth it, just to hear Shlongy say, "Tee hee."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-14 15:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No commment
tee hee
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-14 13:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-2 for your reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:24:54 (#)
Ranking: 1
I think my quote was the reason, stupid shit. Good to see that can't even pay attention. Was that a fragment? Dick man? Is that the best you can come up with? I'm beginning to think that you are a whiny little bitch that's 30 years old, going no where, and uses your talent as a writer for your excuse.
--
In that case, read the sentence again and try to understand it... Either you're and idiot or, no, you're just an idiot.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:16:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 07:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:26:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
--
Couldn't resist, huh?
What, did you run out of pictures of your dick to post?
-=-=-=
Do you always cry when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always come up with the least witty remark when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always make the comment that 328 people before you made when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack?
For someone who has a book, with ties outside Uber--perhaps even a life outside of this place--you bitch and cry a bunch. I didn't particularly like the story and I rated honestly. Does it make you cry that someone doesn't like your story?
You are such a fucking nancy when it comes to this shit.
--
Fuck you, dickman. You can give a -2 if you want, but I would appreciate a valid reason behind it - plot holes, typos, bad grammar, etc. If you come in and bust a good rating with some dumbass comment you're just being a contentious jackass. You know, like posting pictures of your dick on a website. You sad shit.
Permission to fuck off granted.
----
I am really tempted just to give out perma -2s to everyone like Shlongy does.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think my quote was the reason, stupid shit. Good to see that can't even pay attention. Was that a fragment? Dick man? Is that the best you can come up with? I'm beginning to think that you are a whiny little bitch that's 30 years old, going no where, and uses your talent as a writer for your excuse.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-14 12:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely not the best thing I've ever read by you, but it was writtten for fun, so +2. It seems a bit awkward, probably because writing from a kid's pov is tough.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's my reason
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:16:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 07:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:26:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
--
Couldn't resist, huh?
What, did you run out of pictures of your dick to post?
-=-=-=
Do you always cry when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always come up with the least witty remark when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always make the comment that 328 people before you made when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack?
For someone who has a book, with ties outside Uber--perhaps even a life outside of this place--you bitch and cry a bunch. I didn't particularly like the story and I rated honestly. Does it make you cry that someone doesn't like your story?
You are such a fucking nancy when it comes to this shit.
--
Fuck you, dickman. You can give a -2 if you want, but I would appreciate a valid reason behind it - plot holes, typos, bad grammar, etc. If you come in and bust a good rating with some dumbass comment you're just being a contentious jackass. You know, like posting pictures of your dick on a website. You sad shit.
Permission to fuck off granted.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Jack McCallum. The good kind of classic Jack McCallum that is.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 07:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:26:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
--
Couldn't resist, huh?
What, did you run out of pictures of your dick to post?
-=-=-=
Do you always cry when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always come up with the least witty remark when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always make the comment that 328 people before you made when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack?
For someone who has a book, with ties outside Uber--perhaps even a life outside of this place--you bitch and cry a bunch. I didn't particularly like the story and I rated honestly. Does it make you cry that someone doesn't like your story?
You are such a fucking nancy when it comes to this shit.
--
Fuck you, dickman. You can give a -2 if you want, but I would appreciate a valid reason behind it - plot holes, typos, bad grammar, etc. If you come in and bust a good rating with some dumbass comment you're just being a contentious jackass. You know, like posting pictures of your dick on a website. You sad shit.
Permission to fuck off granted.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
after reading the first few paragraphs, I printed this out and took it to the bathroom hoping to get a quick jerk before i left work for the day. i was very, VERY disappointed in the path you chose to go with this. VERY
-------------------------------------
I refer you to my take on this title from last year for the hardcore porn version: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80739
Nice job, Jack. I enjoyed this.
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 07:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:26:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
--
Couldn't resist, huh?
What, did you run out of pictures of your dick to post?
-=-=-=
Do you always cry when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always come up with the least witty remark when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack? Do you always make the comment that 328 people before you made when you don't get a perfect 2, Jack?
For someone who has a book, with ties outside Uber--perhaps even a life outside of this place--you bitch and cry a bunch. I didn't particularly like the story and I rated honestly. Does it make you cry that someone doesn't like your story?
You are such a fucking nancy when it comes to this shit.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-14 02:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
McCallum frunk might be fun.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-14 00:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting. """
everyone, even his friends, knows that this chap is borderline retarded but he has excelled himself there.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-12-14 00:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 22:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
IO am now home and dfrunk.
I have to do something buyt fuick knows what.
I'm going to watcg tv
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-13 21:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jayne Mansfield spells her name with a Y. Just think "eat at the Y" and you'll be okay.
Didn't bother me, I just noticed it. Maybe bubba already pointed that out, I didn't check the reviews.
I was going to rate this 1.5 because of Santa's dialogue, which seems tailored more for uber than the general populace, but on second read I think it fits with the tone of the story, so I'm leaving a nice big number two under your tree, Jack.
Merry Christmas.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-12-13 21:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RAPE WOOOOOO
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
********
Time for semen man to retake Reading 101. The prepositional phrase 'with blue flames' modifies rockets, not pajamas...
Great story, Jack.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa was mean and tried to dick my mom so I killed him.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-13 19:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to go drinking now. Apparently people at work are going drinking and they want me to go drinking even though I don't really go drinking with other people...
...because other people suck. Until you've had a few drinks, anyway.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uberboard: Har Har McCheatum's taking his old alter Wisher out for a spin (you should have her vote in UM)
--
What the fuck?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
--
Couldn't resist, huh?
What, did you run out of pictures of your dick to post?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
He was wearing his Space Adventurer pajamas with stars and planets and rockets with blue flames coming out of them.
-=-=-=-=
I find it hard to believe that his PJ's had blue flames coming out of them. Otherwise, very interesting.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah yes... more Christmas cheer from Jack McCallum.
"Tell us a story Jack."
"FUCK YOU!"
"That's my favorite one"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't push your fuckin luck there, kitten.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A-
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-13 18:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be "block head" or "bastard". They're equally fittin from where i'm sittin.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:53:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not going to stand on the doorstep and holler 'Mr. Death!' every night for all of New Rochelle to hear
*******
haha.
My cats are named Luggage and Baggage, now I wonder what people think when I call them. Maybe they think I'm a world traveler calling out to my chauffeur.
--
it starts with b
and ends with d
wisher, that word
i do not see
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:53:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not going to stand on the doorstep and holler 'Mr. Death!' every night for all of New Rochelle to hear
*******
haha.
My cats are named Luggage and Baggage, now I wonder what people think when I call them. Maybe they think I'm a world traveler calling out to my chauffeur.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:47:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:40:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
What a nice, heartwarming Christmas story.
I hope I wasn't the only one laughing hysterically at all the follies that were ensuing.
--
You'd like this...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55222
'The Christmas Bike.'
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You know, I just read that yesterday, and I enjoyed it a lot.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:40:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
What a nice, heartwarming Christmas story.
I hope I wasn't the only one laughing hysterically at all the follies that were ensuing.
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You'd like this...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55222
'The Christmas Bike.'
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:37:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
after reading the first few paragraphs, I printed this out and took it to the bathroom hoping to get a quick jerk before i left work for the day. i was very, VERY disappointed in the path you chose to go with this. VERY
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Oh, I've written some pretty rude shit, but I've never posted it here. I once wrote about a crazed and oversexed kid fucking somebody's nose. There were castrations and bananas screwed into assholes like lightbulbs in there too. Man, that was one fucked up story.
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POST THAT TOMORROW PLEASE
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a nice, heartwarming Christmas story.
I hope I wasn't the only one laughing hysterically at all the follies that were ensuing.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
after reading the first few paragraphs, I printed this out and took it to the bathroom hoping to get a quick jerk before i left work for the day. i was very, VERY disappointed in the path you chose to go with this. VERY
--
Oh, I've written some pretty rude shit, but I've never posted it here. I once wrote about a crazed and oversexed kid fucking somebody's nose. There were castrations and bananas screwed into assholes like lightbulbs in there too. Man, that was one fucked up story.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Spunk-gobbling clown fucker.
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I don't gobble spunk because the only clowns I fuck are girl clowns. So what if the big shoes and rubber noses turn me on? Got a problem with that?
And I'm not the one who took a massive hit of acid and a large dose of Viagra and walked around downtown for three days bare-ass naked with a dead chihuahua stuck on the end of my dick.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm surprised you are able to mention my miniscule member. Don't the fumes created by your vicious halitosis burn your eyes when you open your spunk gobbler to try to insult me? Surely even one as bereft of any semblance of intelligence as yourself has a self preservation instinct?
No?
I fear I'm no good at this. I will try harder in the future.
Spunk-gobbling clown fucker.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
after reading the first few paragraphs, I printed this out and took it to the bathroom hoping to get a quick jerk before i left work for the day. i was very, VERY disappointed in the path you chose to go with this. VERY
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:03:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
let's be uber enemies jack. we will hurl invective at one another unprovoked and use irrelevant and oftentimes completely untrue insults whilst trying to make ourselves look the better man in the eyes of our Uber-peers
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You have a tiny dick. We could do this, but what's the point? I'll just keep mentioning the fact that you have a tiny dick. Sorry, man. I'm not sorry about turning down an offer of an UberFight. That has the potential to be fun, given an opponent on equal footing. What I'm sorry about is your tiny dick.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. i thoroughly enjoyed this.
let's be uber enemies jack. we will hurl invective at one another unprovoked and use irrelevant and oftentimes completely untrue insults whilst trying to make ourselves look the better man in the eyes of our Uber-peers*
*I actually have none of these, but I let the little people dream their insignificant dreams.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute story.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-13 17:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, you slacked on the rape, though.
Needs more rape...
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crap, I was hoping for a happy ending, and you had to spoil it by having the kid prevent it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering where you'd go with this...
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the kind of christmas stuff I like to read.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-12-13 16:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment