UberMas 06: A Zombie Family Christmas (498 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ubermas_06
Rating: 1.76 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-12-14 08:39:07 EST
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Brady Zombies were dining on humans and grouse;
For not long after their TV series had died,
They arose from the dead with renewed Brady pride.
Yes, it seems that their dear butcher comrade named Sam,
Had grown tired of not getting lines worth a damn.
So one night, in a bloodfest of beaters and knives,
Old Sam finally snapped and dispatched of their lives.
Armed with spatulas, basters, and mashers galore,
Sam made mincemeat from Alice, his "cheap, putrid whore!"
As for his love's employers, old Carol and Mike,
They were tenderized with a swift meat pounder strike.
Sneaking up to the bedroom of Bobby and Pete,
Sam discovered them suckling on brother Greg's meat.
"Fucking homos!" he growled. "Always knew you were flakes."
And he butchered them into delicious fruitcakes.
"Marcia, Marcia!" he heard in the bedroom next door,
And then Sam heard Jan's voice ring out "Marcia!" once more,
As he poked his head 'round to see what caused her fit,
He saw Marcia's head buried inside of Jan's clit.
Even worse, little Cindy was riding atop
Of Jan's face, as her sister licked up every drop;
Then the pubescent girls formed a sweet sixty-nine.
Who'd have thought a ménage à trois Brady divine?
Samuel entered the bedroom, loins fully engorged;
Though they cried, "Wait, Sam! Stop!", he continued to forge,
As he made his advances on all of the girls,
Beating them all to death, beating off on their curls.
With the family dispatched now, Sam spoke with a grin,
"Surely now there's no role that they can't star me in!"
But as Sam dragged the last carcass into the kitch',
Ann B. Davis jumped up and said, "Guess again, bitch!"
"You see, since you never 'delivered the meat',
I had to pursue other men for a treat.
So this Advent, I've dated a young man named Rob,
And although he's a zombie, he sure makes me throb!"
"Just a date or two later, Rob nibbled my ear,
And I thought to myself, 'Oh, he must be sincere!'
But wouldn't you know, I'm a zombie now, too!
I've infected the whole Brady clan - 'cept for you."
In a panic, Sam stood shocked with horror 'cross his face,
As each Brady around him arose up in their place.
Moving quickly toward Sam, they outnumbered him strong,
And while chewing his bones, burst into Christmas song:
HERE'S THE STORY OF A ZOMBIE LADY
WHO WAS CHEWING ON HER VERY LOVELY GHOULS!
ALL OF THEM HAD LIVER MOLD, LIKE THEIR MOTHER;
THE YOUNGEST ONE WITH SPORES!
HERE'S THE STORY OF THE ZOMBIE BRADY
WHO OWNED BEEF O' BRADY'S, SERVING ROTTEN MEAT!
AND HIS THREE BOYS, GREG, PETE, AND BOBBY,
HE ALWAYS LIKED TO EAT!
'TILL THE ONE NIGHT WHEN THE LADY MET THIS FELLOW
AND THEY DINED ON THEIR INTESTINES OVER LUNCH!
THEN THEY KNEW THEY WOULD FORM AN UNDEAD FAMILY!
THAT'S THE WAY THEY ALL DECAYED, THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
THAT'S THE WAY THEY DECAYED, THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-16 17:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD I have to stay off the computer when I'm on the phone.
This was meant for the hub, obviously.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-16 17:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-16 16:53:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-16 10:11:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-15 16:53:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Joyful Angels:
Susie_Derkins - I Thought That Tasted Like Fruit Cake: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96876
Sacrilicious - Blue Christmas: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96874
Ghola - Cruel Yule: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96878
ripple - The Halo He Wore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96862
CaptainThorns - A Zombie Family Christmas: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96810
Jack_McCallum - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96785
goferferhire - Cracked Crystal Globes: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96741
TTOM: We Three Pimps: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96731
awesomeface - Confessions of Santa Claus: http://www.ubersite.com/m/96880
Pathetic Cowards getting coal in their stockings:
Orgasmatron
Davros
CHR15
StaggerLee
Goutstruck:
Bubba2341
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you bitch you left my name off on purpose.
---
OMFG I'M SORRY. See I took you off the naughty list with good intentions, I just got a phone call and I'm a slackass. ALL BETTER, WIFEY.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-16 17:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Rob Zombie
Submitted by Casus_Belli (user info) at 2006-12-16 17:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
OK I guess
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-14 17:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for ANYTHING Rob Zombie.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-14 16:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMN THAT UBERTREE BANDWAGON
It's drawing all the attention away from quality posts like THIS!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-14 14:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:41:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later. Sleep now.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-12-14 11:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "Brady"
Submitted by buytheirsouls.com (user info) at 2006-12-14 10:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww that's so cute.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-14 10:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just shit a cherry pineapple.alksdjf al;ka oa dsiopf 908 09q34 90 q2oi jqdas90f n qw4o k4q 3 iojae980 jia w oi a09a ja kl;j 0982 oijwqo; jiasdfoj as9d0f kqw4r i90uqer98t q34
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-14 09:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:41:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later. Sleep now.
------------------------------------
NO, DON'T FALL ASLEEP
THAT IS WHEN THE ZOMBIES WILL COME FOR YOU
OR COME ON YOU, DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU'RE WEARING
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-12-14 09:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Morbidly amusing...
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-12-14 09:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giggling.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later. Sleep now.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-14 08:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Personally, I think that the zombie Alice is not that much unlike the REAL Alice from the original show...