UberMas 06 - I thought that tasted like fruit cake (631 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2006-12-15 16:30:14 EST
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for participating in this focus group. We understand that it's a little over a week before Christmas and you're very busy shopping here at the mall, but rest assured, you will be very fairly compensated for your time. Yes, ma'am, we'll get to that later.
Now, what you see before you are bottles of flavoured pop. No, sir, this is not the Pepsi Challenge. You're not on hidden camera. Now, we would like you to test out these flavours for.... ma'am, please stop preening, I've just told that gentleman over there that no one is on TV. You're getting hair in the samples. Thank you. OK then, these are test products for release next Christmas in our holiday packs. I'm not going to tell you the flavours, I want you to guess and tell me what you think of them. Please select the one on your right and take a sip... your other right, sir.
Very good, miss. It IS Turkey and Gravy. What? Just swallow it, please. You're getting it all over the floor. Ugh, fine. Use the wastebasket in the corner. OK, the rest of you have all tried it? What do we think? No, we don't think that flavour is "wrong". Yes, you? Hmmm.... I've never heard a flavour being described as "rude". That's quite a unique perspective, miss. Sir...SIR could you please refrain from using bad language? We have children in the room. Fine, "Satan's defiled bum" will do much better, thank you. All right, all right. So Turkey and Gravy is not a hit. Let's try the next one, shall we?
You're close; it's Sweet Potato Soda. No, our developers are NOT on cheap narcotics, I can assure you. Yes, this is a serious flavour. YES we're a real company. Sir, I've already told you that you're not on hidden camera. No, this is not a joke. Please, just tell me one at a time what you think of this flavour. Ma'am, could your child not use those terms? We'd prefer poo-poo instead of.... oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Never mind. Sir, what about you? I...I don't think the CEO's wife would appreciate... look, let's just move on. Please try the next flavour.
You're quite the astute group! It is indeed supposed to taste like bread, that's our Dinner Roll Soda. Again, madam, our developers aren't smoking anything funny. Do you not like dinner rolls? Well then why not in soda form? I can assure you we're all of sound mind. I understand some of you think that some things shouldn't come in liquid form, but try to have an open mind, ok? Thank you. Lets try the next one.
Please! Ladies and gentlemen! If you can't handle it, please use the wastebasket! I'm sorry, there's only one, so you'll have to share. SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT.... No, no, it's ok. I can get new shoes. Wow, I really didn't expect this flavour to have such a violent reaction, I apologize. Well how were we to know that Pea Soda wouldn't sit well? No, we will not pay you extra to reimburse lunches lost. Ok ok, I promise the next one will help you and you'll like it.
There, now isn't that better? It should taste a little chalky, yes. It's Antacid Soda, and look! It comes with it's own little medicinal cup! What's that sir? I suppose it does taste like Pepto Bismol. You work for them? Well isn't that... as their lawyer? Er, never mind that one, ladies and gentlemen. That flavour won't be appearing in next year's box. We'll replace it with fruitcake flavour or something.
So that concludes this focus group. Thank you all very much for your participation and for your very honest answers. I will be taking this information back to our developers so that they may be able to suit the tastes of consumers everywhere. Your help is much appreciated and.... pardon me? Oh yes, your compensation! You will all be receiving your own 6 packs of the sodas you just tested. Just so you know, all sodas are completely vegetarian, certified kosher, and contain zero caffeine, calories, and carbs.
Please refrain from throwing those.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-15 19:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i support all things christmas
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I chose this title I was trying to set the author up to write something where somebody mistakingly eats something disgusting. Jones soda is more than appropriate.
Awesome job.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-15 17:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still haven't gotten around to trying any of these.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-15 16:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks! Now I know what to go buy for the family grab bag!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-15 16:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last year's pack was better - they actually had BROCCOLI soda.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-15 16:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Jones Pop. And I love Derkins.