Clothes Are Stupid (677 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.13 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malka (View user info) at 2006-12-17 22:22:53 EST
Today I followed a teenaged boy pushing a cart into the grocery store. His ungainly legs were sprawled like a thoroughly fucked roofie victim escaping a frat house on Sunday morning to keep his baggy gangsta jeans from revealing his secret identity to other shoppers as a wearer of Spiderman Underoos. Dude, why do you need to look like you're stalking vegetables in a drive-by shooting? It's not like their posse is capable of fighting back with semi-automatic weapons, and I don't think that tottering back and forth like a drunken penguin is really going to threaten that pack of expired tomatoes.
I see whole groups of these kids wandering this city, looking like a pack of feral children waddling around in heavy diapers soaked in urine and massive, wet blobs of shitsquirts. No self-respecting OG would really wear such crap, his primary interest being escaping from a TV debut on "Cops" after impressing the homies by lifting a Colt 45 from the local Dairy Dork. Is there not anyone taking up collections for these poor, abandoned youth? It makes me weep to know that they can't afford belts, or perhaps shoplift some lousy fucking rope. At least they won't have to go to the Salvation Army for new pants once they gain that flabby ass and beer gut from an excess of malt liquor.
I'm so fucking glad I'm older now, because the girls have it worse. Those yeast infection inspired, fat squishing, plumber's ass jeans they wear with the baboon butt bleach marks and the faux dirt streaks that suggest a wrestle on a muddy football field with the opposing team after a particularly rousing homecoming game are something that will never fucking ever adorn my gams in the name of fashion. The parents who let their kids leave the house looking like this should be stabbed in the face and then left buried up to their necks in piss drenched kitty litter for a frothing stampede of enraged wildebeests.
What's also degrading about women's apparel, an evil universality that even I can't escape, are those goddam fluffy ribbon bows that manufacturers sew on the front and center of bras. What the Hell is that piece of shit doing there? I'm too fucking old to be wearing dainty little bows on anything that I put on my body, and it's sick and demeaning to wear an adornment that I outgrew with thumb sucking and Betsy Wetsy baby dolls. How would men like it if their Fruity Looms were decorated on the crotch with decals of blue Care Bears holding a playful bouquet of balloons while thrusting out that tumid heart on their fuzzy little bellies? Fuck those chickendick prickneedles. Rather than cutting off those crappy bra ribbons, I'd rather sexually abuse those fashion industry moguls with bloody tampons and then dump them in a toxic river after playfully drilling those stupid bows into their nipples with rusty drywall screws.
And why wear bras anyway? I'll tell you why: it's because society has sexualized women's nipples to the point that, rather than let us go free without a restrictive, chaffing midsection rubber band that feels like fucking shit, every sexually oppressed and immature jackass with an overactive imagination and blow-up doll for a girlfriend would be able to prosecute us for sexual harassment in the workplace if we went without those restrictive tittie harnesses. What would get those assholes over such an oppressive article of dress code requirement would be forcing them to wear heavy lead jock straps to prevent my stabbing them in the goddam nuts for making me wear such an uncomfortable piece of fucking shit. I hate those things, and I hate the people who make me wear them. You should suffocate in a toilet bowl swamped with your own vomit after getting tongue-kissed by your dead grandmother, you fucking barnacle encrusted, jagged ass splinter.
Forget criticizing the fashion and manufacturing industry: I should be employed by the U.S. government to torture detainees at Guantanamo Bay.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ye gads.
I don't mind bras except when I'm sleeping or the damn straps keep falling down.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-18 22:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eh - I'd rather have a bra with a bow than no bra
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-18 21:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-18 21:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You said "gams."
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Over the top.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2006-12-18 16:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know those tribes in Africa? The ones where the ladies don't wear tops at all and everything looks similar to a couple flapjacks nailed to a washboard? Yeah, that's why we wear bras, hon.
Submitted by big_z_1980 (user info) at 2006-12-18 15:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oooh!! the older generation bitching about the younger generation!! this has NEVER been done before.
why do we have clothes?
so we dont have to look at you naked.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-12-18 12:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-18 08:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"How would men like it if their Fruity Looms were decorated on the crotch with decals of blue Care Bears holding a playful bouquet of balloons while thrusting out that tumid heart on their fuzzy little bellies?"
OH FUCKING GOD YES
also +2 for 'tumid'
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-18 08:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pssssshhhh. Clothes are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo 2006.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-18 01:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
please say more mean things. it's really getting me hot.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:32:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
I take that to mean your breast size is equivalent to that of a surfboard? ever gone for a braless run with a 36DD chest?
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Once, but they made me give it back.
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haha
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Bras are not some "willful submission to a male society." It's to make your tits NOT look like sagging pieces of shit.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Please keep it to two or less adjectives per noun or you leave me little recourse than to beat you like a red-haired stepchild. Thank you, come again.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-18 00:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
everything you have written is you whining about something.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DONT YOU HATE PANTS?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:18:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How would men like it if their Fruity Looms were decorated on the crotch with decals of blue Care Bears holding a playful bouquet of balloons while thrusting out that tumid heart on their fuzzy little bellies?
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God that'd be sweet.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you've become a grown up when kids start getting on your nerves for doing the same things you did when you were their age.
For instance, when I'm out driving and some kid pulls up next to me blaring his stereo with the bass turned up, I get rather cranky. Even though I blasted my radio at ungodly volumes when I was their age.
Now I'm worried about cops pulling me over and writing me a "you're too old to be doing that" ticket.
If I'm traveling on the interstate however, all bets are off and the metal is turned up.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good rant.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There you are! Spewing the hate again, eh? Good for you.
I rip the little bows off my bras. I never did understand why they put them there either. I think it's a leftover practice from the 50's.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-17 23:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
x
Submitted by Malka (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not at all. I have perfect breasts.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:32:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
I take that to mean your breast size is equivalent to that of a surfboard? ever gone for a braless run with a 36DD chest?
--------
Once, but they made me give it back.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I take that to mean your breast size is equivalent to that of a surfboard? ever gone for a braless run with a 36DD chest?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-17 22:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SHOW US YOUR TITS