TTOM: An Uberhistory (1301 hits)
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Submitted by TTOMy Gun (View user info) at 2006-12-18 13:17:11 EST
TTOM: An Uberhistory
According to Axolotl I have made no contribution to Uber in 2006, the little berk I'll prove him wrong!
15/9/2003 A day that will live on in infamy as The_Taste_of_Monkeys joins Ubersite and, the day after, posts this piece of shit: http://www.ubersite.com/m/14004 Just Some Words I am Writing with my Hands, Thank You Please. Starting a post with "So I..."was a horrible mistake.
And so were the next 18 posts, I recommend you do not view them.
There was an upswing in my material on 19/2/2004: http://www.ubersite.com/m/25937 Professor Steven Hawking: The Lost Interview. This may have been a sign of things to come with science and idiocy combined to turn Steven Hawking into a braying maniac.
A tale about how a friend and I nearly double-teamed a girl but decided not to: 23/2/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/26216 Don't Cross the Streams: A Tale of Penile Horror, became my first perfect +2
This was quickly followed up by my second perfect 2 on 27/2/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/26489 Superheroes in the Real World.
I posted a number of these superhero posts before moving onto the subject of my awful luck with women:
10/3/2004: http://www.ubersite.com/m/27360 Women: The Reason I'm Single
And
11/3/2004: http://www.ubersite.com/m/27460 A Punch in the Balls is Worth Two in the Bush
These were quickly followed by two hate posts, with one of which I broke the cardinal rule of one post a day!
11//3/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/27498 The Taste of Monkeys Hates Reallybored
12/3/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/27544 The Taste of Monkeys Hates Willzone
Neither of which garnered a hate post from their targets so I was forced to hate post myself: 16/3/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/27824 The Taste of Monkeys Hates The Taste of Monkeys
My popular Ubercaption series arrived in the middle of 2004...then rapidly went downhill in the middle then swung back up a bit at the end before burning up completely in a bitmap blaze, showing that even in the dark ages of 2004 Uber was a fickle place.
29/4/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/31713 First Ubercaption
28/7/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/39777 Last Ubercaption
On 5/8/2004 I compared Uberers to Christopher Walken films http://www.ubersite.com/m/40760 Ubersite:The Spawn on Christopher Walken before on 6/8/2004 I once again gave detail to the psychos to whom I am attracted http://www.ubersite.com/m/40921 From the Mouth of Babes...Comes Utter Filth.
The terminally foreign were my next target since...well...you're foreign and I'm British, it just our thing 23/8/2004 http://www.ubersite.com/m/42590 I Hate Foreigners: The Prejudiced World Tour.
After only 3 posts in the intervening months I blasted back onto the scene on 8/12/2004 with possibly my favourite post of mine http://www.ubersite.com/m/53751 Cobra Commander: A Breach of the Trades Description Act?
A forgotten work of art so it is.
On 11/1/2004 I posted announcing that I had just reached 25000 hits, which seems rather pitiful now that I'm edging towards the 200 K mark http://www.ubersite.com/m/56404
As many of you know I live in Glasgow most of the time and so on 14/1/2005 I posted the first of many posts detailing just how great/shite Glasgow is http://www.ubersite.com/m/56750 An Insight into Glasgow Plus Glossy Pics.
I still stand by my ascertain that Glasvegas is two parts ace, one part shitty and one part death by stabbings.
I entered a Photoshop competition on 30/1/2005 http://www.ubersite.com/m/58093 Photoshop Competition #3: Curse of the Red Shirt (Which Shlongy proclaimed was "Not THE absolute worst but in the running." ) and was promptly blamed for breaking Ubersite since the attachments in every post after mine failed to appear.
In the words of Shaggy: "It wasn't me"
A day of reckoning was nearly upon me and I knew it not. On 5/2/2205 I posted http://www.ubersite.com/m/58728 0% Cute, 100% Evil detailing how MandaPanda's cats were in fact heroine addicted pig killers.
Then...
Nothing.
Zero TTOM posts for nine long months.
UNTIL!
4/11/2005 http://www.ubersite.com/m/78445 I Live....AGAIN!
I returned with a harrowing story about how I had nearly died from leukaemia but was about to get out of hospital and hopefully back to a life of normality, which was nice.
I was out of hospital and obviously in a reflective mood and decided to see what I would have told myself if I had been able to tell the me of 2 years ago what I had learned 16/11/2005 http://www.ubersite.com/m/79345 Meanwhile, Two Years later..
Conclusion: Cancer sucks ass.
Some posts of averageness passed by then I posted another fave of mine 30/11/2005 PWNDOPOLY: A Game for All the Family! Or at Least the Ones You Hate.
As Christmas is near once more I shudder again at the horror that is family board games.
The first TTOM post of 2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/82217 I am Still Not an Evil Genius with Hairy Camwhore told of my achievement of 50K hits and how I intended to have a fucking great year and try to hit 100K hits (which I have surpassed by nearly 2X)
Soon after this post I started creating almost nothing but picture posts using MSPaint, not in the Habeeb style but of a pictures with words style.
The first, on 24/1/06, http://www.ubersite.com/m/82816 TTOM: A Pictorial Record Honking Big and, In Parts, Just Plain Honking) Where I gave Uber tour of my rather messy bedroom and where more than one Uberer told me to clean up my room.
Soon I was very much on a roll with my three Ubercards posts, combining Magic:The Gathering with Ubersite
7/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/84984 1
9/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85080 2
11/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85183 3
In amongst this incredible level of geekiness I wrote 8/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85042 I Think You Gave Me Cancer (Long, Depressing...Then Happy!) which was the story of my fight against cancer but was mostly just an excuse to rip on the depressingly emo Uberer trent_nz.
This was one of the few times I've ever wanted to smash someone's face in because of Uber.
The Golden Age of TTOM was upon Ubersite and as far as I am concerned it all began with this post on 12/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85200 TTOM Productions Presents: Shlongy P.I
Although Shlongy's "contribution" to Ubersite was always going to be recognised with its infamy, this post set it in stone.
This post sparked a sort of series of TTOM Production tribute posts such as:
14/3/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85297 Saving Private RyuFu
3 /4/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/86191 A Shlongmare on Uberstreet
4/4/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/86265 Apollo's Birthday
10/4/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/86447 Filtharella: An Ubermime
5/4/2006 saw my first APW post http://www.ubersite.com/m/86319 APW: Titian has "tit" in his name for a Reason and set the trend for my APW posts to be both informative and irreverent. This is due to me being kicked out of Art class in High School for not taking it seriously enough. Also I sculpted hundreds of tiny clay penii and attached them to all the models and dolls in the department.
My micro series Anti-Goblin Hyper Force 2 Starring myself, Nath and Kaos King amused old and young alike but mostly just idiots like me, Nath and Kaos King
22/4/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/86982 Ep 1
3/5/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/87474 Ep 2
On 12/5/2006 I LEFT UBERSITE!!! (To do my Exams) http://www.ubersite.com/m/87862 TTOM Leaves Ubersite! Full Story Pages 2-29
Although I managed to sneak in some posts during my hiatus, including the very first Technopope post, another series I really enjoy.
18/5/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/88088 Technopope Vs The Zombie Michael Jackson
There are far too many posts which play no real part in my history although many reflect what was going on in Uber at the time, here are some of my favourites, both Uber relevant and not so much:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88857 Pictures of TTOM and His Massive Weapon
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89316 TTOM Vidwhores!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91063 TTOM Horror Theatre ADD Entry
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91511 TTOM's World of Method
Chad Chamley didn't plagiarise any of my stuff, showing that not only is he a thieving cunt, he has no taste. Nevertheless he got his own sort of TTOM tribute on 22/9/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/93378 Hello Ubersite, Boy Do I Wish I Never Got Found Out
My Two Mega Tributes came later in 2006, involving more Uberers than you would want near you at any one time ie more than one
8/11/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/95508 Uberdirectory: Tiny Round Head Edition
14/11/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/95768 Uberdirectory TRH Edition Part 2
Three quick perfect 2s not only seriously boosted my already swollen head but also fired me to the top of the Best Ever and prompted the comment that I had "Beaten Uber" and therefore should just give everyone else a chance.
19/11/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/95918 Your Penis Doesn't Deserve You
29/11/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/96276 "Let's Reform the Band" The Mystical (Failed) Quest for Rock Stardom
30/11/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/96372 SPT: Welcome to Glasgow, Now Fuck Right Off (Currently Best Ever, I am the win etc)
On 11/12/2006 I handed Captain Thorns his ass on Ubermas with http://www.ubersite.com/m/96731 Ubermas 06: We Three Pimps
And finally, I outed McCallum's alter scandal in pictures and poetry on 12/12/2006 http://www.ubersite.com/m/96819 The Tale of Jack McCallum.
So, what will '07 bring for the world of TTOM Production's?
Give me a fucking chance you dipshits! It's not even past 2006 yet you've got some fucking nerve, if you were here right now I'd put my boot so far up your arse people would think Doc Martins had started making hats!
Now fuck off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-12-19 07:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more nekkid
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-19 03:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
love it
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-12-19 02:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart TTOM
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-12-19 00:44:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"According to Axolotl I have made no contribution to Uber in 2006,"...sigh
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2006-12-18 22:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ZZzzzzzzzzz...
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-18 20:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-18 18:08:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:37:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:24:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
arrgh you silly Scot using the European system of dates
day/month/year
--------------
This is what really pisses off about you americans - it makes no fucking sense your way
____________________________
Gahhhhh
How does it make any fuckin sense to go from a larg measurement of time to a smaller measurement of time just to GO BACK TO AN EVEN LARGER MEASUREMENT OF TIME! That shit always gets me tripped up until I realize it's written in the alternate format. ><
---
We also have 12 inches to a foot and water freezes at 32 degrees F
We're special people.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-12-18 18:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail TTOM.
You can't knock a man who can charge your phone with his head, at 5 paces.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-18 18:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was reading "Don't Cross the Streams" and came to this part:
"James got up to go to the bar or the toilet, I forget which although in the case of the bar we were in it was pretty much the stuck not only her tounge down my throat..."
Did something get lost in the translation?
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-12-18 18:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:37:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:24:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
arrgh you silly Scot using the European system of dates
day/month/year
--------------
This is what really pisses off about you americans - it makes no fucking sense your way
____________________________
Gahhhhh
How does it make any fuckin sense to go from a larg measurement of time to a smaller measurement of time just to GO BACK TO AN EVEN LARGER MEASUREMENT OF TIME! That shit always gets me tripped up until I realize it's written in the alternate format. ><
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:24:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
arrgh you silly Scot using the European system of dates
day/month/year
--------------
This is what really pisses off about you americans - it makes no fucking sense your way
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to hug you for a uncomfortable amount of time.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-18 17:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
arrgh you silly Scot using the European system of dates
day/month/year
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-18 16:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
8000 total hits is my guess for this post.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TTOM you're one of my favourite Scotsmen. Cheers!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"On 11/12/2006 I handed Captain Thorns his ass on Ubermas with http://www.ubersite.com/m/96731 Ubermas 06: We Three Pimps"
Gordon Bennett!!!
Well, that's a load of bollocks! See if I ever give you a good Ubercomp title again, you nutter! :p
(Oh you know I love you, TTOM!)
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bastard.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'll have you know, sir, I defended your honor.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell bandwagon.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo corrections
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-18 14:02:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:46:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Have the superpowers from your chemo kicked in yet?
-------------------
No! It seems that Stan Lee has lied to us!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No mention of me I see.
whore
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have the superpowers from your chemo kicked in yet?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stfu n00b
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:35:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
never been a big fan.
Shut the fuck up, retro, ya goddamn fag. You wouldn't know anything about "fans". You have none.
Along with "none" friends.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No one else will ever tribute post me (Oh except Ilikesteak, thanks steaky) so I decided I wanted one for a change instead of making one for someone else: http://www.ubersite.com/u/The_taste_of_Monkeys/l/tribute
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
never been a big fan.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, Pete, I know who you are, but I am torn because a self-tribute post isn't really a tribute. But I like you just fine, so a 1 shall do the trick.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I respect you because you included me as a round head. Carry on TTOM, carry on.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
border collie cross
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of dog is that anyway?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, who am I again? Am I the guy with the dog whose cooler than me?
*gets out tits, weeps at Shlongy's touch)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never heard of you.
PS. Show me your tits.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-18 13:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't read this crap.
who the fuck is 'TTOM'?