Guide to Dating Part 2: From Boredom to Boudoir. (1005 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.81 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-12-19 06:57:19 EST
Guide to Dating Part 2: From Boredom to Boudoir.
We've covered the basics now in
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96517 part 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96559 part 1
Now we're moving on to something a little more challenging and that would be the courting process at home. 'How to seduce the women from sofa to bed without getting mace in your eyes.'
Arriving Home
If you arrive home and she is driving you just get out and leave because you lost in life anyway. If you can't drive, then get a taxi at the least, unless you're going back to hers, in which case fuck it because you're in the zone.
However the likeliness is that you'll be driving. As you arrive at your don't be a twat, because there are defiantly some really stupid things you can say. Women don't like to be told they're whores, the like to act like it PRIVATLY, but not on a date (most of the time).
Here's an easy to use phrase that's always good to go:
"Yeah I know it doesn't look like much, but it's home" (women dig modesty, but also you're showing your ability to be settled. Women like settlers.)
If your place is a mess then give her warning. If it's not a mess then don't say shit. Anything more than 1 old takeaway, 2 shirts on the floor, and 1 full bin should be considered 'untidy'. Anything more is likely to get you very un-laid. If you come across as a clean freak, well then they probably aren't going to want to spend the night, let alone get naked.
Don't say things like:
"My roommate may join us if that's ok?"
"So can I see some ID" (may be a good idea though re:http://www.ubersite.com/m/88926)
"Sorry, I totally forgot to ask your name!"
"Got any hot friends for [Insert goofy friends name here]"
Pretty much anything along those lines will get you a very cold ad lonely bed. No one likes to be cold and lonely during winter.
So anyway, you made it upstairs and past the inevitable 'man I have so many keys!' joke, that is never ever funny. Somehow she hasn't run and even appears quite settled. There are 3 things you have got to do on getting into your flat/ house.
1. Pick up anything in the immediate vicinity and dismiss of it before it can bother your lady friend anymore.
2. Offer to take her coat/ hang it up. Do not do so if she isn't wearing a coat/ you can only offer the back of a chair as a suitable hanger.
3. Make her a drink fuck-wit! The likelihood is she wants alcohol. So you say 'hey I'm grabbing a whisky (no beer! Maybe wine, but no beer! Unless she's a biker.... Then stop reading) would YOU like a drink? Coffee, water, wine, whisky?" The option makes them feel comfortable giving you enough time to slip in the rohypnol... wait... wrong guide.
Now if you have followed previous guides then you've laid down the foundations for some solid conversations. This part of the date is beyond your control to some degree. If she's going to fuck you then you'll know fairly soon (the drink is always a good indication) otherwise it could be a 7am chatting till the sun came up job, which means she'll fuck you if you do it again.
So anyway you're on the sofa and you hand her the drink she wanted (minus the drug) and the first thing you should ask is a question about earlier. Something like:
"So you said you were raised in a Catholic environment, was that at a nunnery or did you just have religious parents?"
Not
"So you said you were raised in a Catholic environment, did the priest ever touch you up on the hush?"
After the initial question if she says "I'm not really in the mood for talking" Then put your drink down and ask her what she's in the mood for doing, don't say
"Finally! I was wondering if you were going to let me bone you!"
If she says "Tell me about you." That more than likely means you're in for the long haul. If she talks a little but seems absent then call her on it and see what she says. Either she wants to get dirty, or she just wants to leave. Either way it's better than not knowing.
If you get to the bedroom, then here are the rules
Bodily functions are off limits 100%.
Do not make any jokes.
Do hold out for longer than 15 minutes.
Do not consider foreplay to be unhooking the bra.
Do not invite anyone in.
Do not involve anyone but yourselves in the act.
Do compliment (Even if she uses teeth, you can mould her later)
DO NOT ASK EVERY 5 MINUTES IF SHE HAS CUM!! Believe me guys when she cums you will know. Stop being so insecure.
In other news I am not engaged after a fucking nightmare on the London Eye. Here are the rules for getting engaged as I learnt:
1. Do not get up early to walk around London for 7 hours before proposing.
2. Do not even consider drinking before (I didn't that god)
3. Do not trust foreigners to be good at keeping secrets.
4. Do not trust Londoners or Tourists.
5. Do not get lost looking for somewhere and then inadvertently blame the person you're about to ask to marry you.
6. Do at least think about what you're going to say before proposing.
7. Make sure you love each other.
User Reviews
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-12-19 20:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm trying really hard to not like you....
mmmmmmmm....
Nope, not working. Great post and great series.
Keep it up.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-19 15:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, was meant to be +2 but then this car alarm went off
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-19 15:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always a good read
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-12-19 12:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, Clark :)
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 12:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have got to start posting later in the evening.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha. That's funny. Yeah I think the next installment might have to be the perils of relationships.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once invited a girl to my place, and when I asked if she wanted a drink, she asked for milk. I was thrown a little, but if it would take milk to get into her knickers then so be it.
I hadn't washed up for a while, and the only clean glass was a wine glass. I poured the milk, but unfortunately was too drunk to notice the foul smelling lumps that had formed in the 3 weeks the milk had been in the fridge.
So, I gave a highly knockable girl a wine glass of something that resembled baby vomit. She laughed it off, but then suddenly remembered that it was her sister's best friend's parrots birthday and she really should go along.........
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's expensive this engagment lark.
The most costly of all entertainment : Women .
Life just wouldn't be the same without them .
Congrats! (I would almost say how romantic , at christmas time , but i'm a guy , so ... Nahhh!)
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah then all you have to do is buy a fancy smancy ring (which will inevitably be replaced by wedding ring) and then get a 5star hotel for 3 nights in centre london, then get breakfast in bed every day, spend well over 600 pounds on shopping, rent a london eye capsule to yourself with a little dude called Andre (you have to have a representitive from the london eye with you. So i didn't kill her or bone her on camera.) And loads of other stuff.
It's expensive this engagment lark.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:08:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
I was meant to put 'I am NOW engaged.' for anyone who cares.
That's quite a mix-up ... At least these instructions seem to work out ,then ?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was meant to put 'I am NOW engaged.' for anyone who cares.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cool...but not as cool as 1 or 2...!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-19 07:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The option makes them feel comfortable giving you enough time to slip in the rohypnol... wait... wrong guide.
Yeah , looking for that one , too...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-19 07:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a local version.