No Crib For My Bed (2813 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: one-part_stories
Rating: 1.95 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2006-12-19 08:21:36 EST
It wasn't a hard decision to make; wasn't really a decision at all. Take off early, two days before Christmas, go home and surprise your wife, make her feel a bit special, whatever. We all know how this goes, right? She was in bed with someone else. That's right. Two days before Christmas, my wife was face down in our bed, banging her head rhythmically into the wall, panting and yelling the occasional obscenity.
With the fucking gardener too (ha, fucking gardener, fucking my wife, that's rich). The whole thing was so sordidly unoriginal that it damn near gave me a stomach pain just from the sheer lack of class.
I'd even brought flowers. I stood in the door to our bedroom, one hand resting on the imitation something-or-other-doorhandle. She'd been dead set on getting this kind of handle, that's all I knew. That and the goddamn things cost about sixty bucks each. I just stood there, roses pointing at the deep carpet, thinking about what to have for dinner. I felt like I was in the mood for Chinese, but I couldn't think of which restaurant to go to.
I noted, rather calmly, that the gardener liked a bit of a hair pull. The son of a bitch was tanned, in much better shape than I was. I mean, I try, you know, but who has the time? It started a couple years ago; what was taught becomes soft, then bulges, then before you know it everything goes
pear-shaped and you're always pasty on your stomach because you don't really want to take your shirt off at the beach.
The gardener yanked my wife's head back, and she screeched, but it was a good kind of screech, a yeah-do-that-again kind of screech. Bastard gardener pulling my wife's hair. Put this shit on a greeting card, man. What the hell was his name, anyway? I tended to call him Hey There. Works for me most of the time. Hey There, trim the gladiolas, would you? Hey There, the ladder's in the garden shed, the combination lock is 4353. Hey There, want some lemonade? Hey There, could you please, pretty fucking please, not pull my wife's hair and make her moan like I've not fucked her in years?
It was at that point that I cleared my throat. I wasn't even trying to get their attention; I just felt a tickle in my throat and did it instinctively. They hadn't heard my approach, hadn't heard the front door, and hadn't heard my car arrive. Yet somehow, over the sounds of the grunts and pants and yeah, the occasional screech (not to mention the ever-present ubiquitous slapping sound) they heard my instinctive, quiet cough.
Hey There's head whipped around. He saw me and freaked out. It was almost funny. He yelped like a frightened Chihuahua. He pulled out and fell backwards, slipping off the far side of the bed and coming down hard on the floor. I laughed, bitterly. There was a metallic taste in my mouth.
My wife sat up, and I was compelled to stare at her hair. It was dishevelled, but I could still see the places where he had held on, as though they were marked in blindingly bright tacky red. Where he had held her hair and made her screech that hatefully delighted screech.
Strangely, the first words out of her screeching mouth were: "How dare you!"
Not "I'm sorry." Not the always reliable "This isn't what it looks like," or even "What are you doing here?" No, she yelled (or screeched) "How dare you!" as though I had committed some terrible offence against her. Which in a way I had, I suppose; almost nothing sucks more than coitus interruptus.
I didn't reply; I raised an eyebrow instead. I hope it was an eyebrow that asked "Fuck's wrong with you?"
Hey There stuck his head over the bed, in a cautious manner, like a soldier peeking out of a trench, half-convinced he's going to get a bullet from Jerry through the skull. What the hell am I talking about? I've never been to war, unless you count the stock market. Wrong generation; go back. Too fucking soft is what we are; a good solid war would sort us out. Not that wishy-washy send the Marines to Iraq nonsense, I'm talking the draft and people on the home front eating sugar only once a fortnight.
It wasn't really the time for that sort of musing.
My wife shouted, "How dare you fucking laugh at me!"
I tried, alright? I tried not to, honestly. I swear on anything you like. But the laughter boiled up from inside, bubbling up my throat and spilling hot mirth from my mouth. I threw my head back and roared laughter at the ceiling. A tear came to my eye, a touching moment. Someone call Hallmark.
"That's it?" I asked, wiping my eyes, chuckling even through my words. "You slay me, you really slay me."
She looked confused, almost scared. She didn't like what she was seeing, I thought.
Hey There opened his mouth, and hesitated. That hesitation was all I need. I shoved my oral foot into the proverbial aural door.
"Something to say, old son?" I asked, in a casual manner, as though a mate had been interrupted at the pub. "You wanna talk to me while you're naked in my bedroom and smelling rather strongly of my wife?"
His mouth closed, as if on hinges. There's a good boy.
"Can you get the fuck out? Please?" I asked him, as my chuckles subsided.
He stood then, still completely naked, and said "What if I don't? What then?"
My gaze drifted downwards, and I raised the eyebrow again. I think that eyebrow was in fine form. He tried to compete with its gently questioning aura, and failed. His nerve collapsed and he seized part of the sheet and held it in front of his deflating genitalia. A victory, albeit a minor one, but one I intended to savour.
"Look," fuck what was his name, goddamn. I settled for, "Son, you might wanna leave. I need to have a very serious talk with my wife here." I turned to her. "Don't we, honey?" She glared at me, and I almost cherished the hate in her eyes.
He didn't move.
"See now, I'm not the biggest fan of you right now," insert name here, "So perhaps you should just go. I'm not kidding here. Just leave."
He looked at her, questioningly, pleadingly. He seemed to be asking, will you be alright? Can I leave you with him? Please can I get the fuck out of here and stop being naked in front of your husband?
"Yeah, go on," she said.
He sidled around the bed, holding the sheet awkwardly, keeping one eye fixed on me, positively brimming with mistrust. He began picking up his clothes off my carped (my goddamn carpet! not yours!), one item at a time. I stood aside to let him go. He went past me, avoiding eye contact like the plague.
I was turning back to my errant wife when he called out, "Hey."
I faced him one last time, rolling my eyes in exasperation, planting my hands firmly on my hips.
"So...when do you want me to come back after Christmas?" Absurdity upon absurdity. "I just mean, are you taking much of a break for the season or what?" Obscenity upon obscenity. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.
"No, that will be fine."
"Sorry?"
"I don't think we'll need your services any more." This was taking a turn for the surreal, I thought.
"Sorry?" he bleated again, helpless and stupid.
"You're fired. Get out of my house and don't come back. You might want to put the clothes on before going outside though. At least the pants. Just don't talk to me any more."
I turned my back on him, and heard his muffled footsteps beat their way down the thickly carpeted hall. Boy's moving at quite a clip, I thought.
"Well," I said, cheerfully, "That's that out of the way. Thought we might have a chat, love."
"Oh, fuck off," she said, with more than a touch of sullenness. "This was coming, you know." And was that a touch of petulance creeping into her tone? A speedy recovery towards her righteous indignation that I had laughed at the antics of her and her tanned lover? You know, I think it was.
"Shame you weren't," I said. "He seemed enthusiastic but not experienced. Just my unprofessional opinion."
"Fuck you!" she exclaimed, her voice rising, her cheeks flushing.
"That's an offer in poor taste," I replied, "Unless you mean to clean yourself first?"
Now she was embarrassed and enraged. I could see her nostrils flaring and contracting rapidly, her breasts rising and falling like the ocean tide. Provided the ocean tide was mad as all hell, that is.
"Put some clothes on," I told her.
"I'm not doing anything you say," she said, emphasising the word "you", fairly spitting it at me.
"You're gonna want clothes."
"What? Why?" She folded her arms, defiantly, across her ocean swell.
"Have it your way. But I would really, really recommend clothes."
She must have seen how serious I was, and I could see her resolve crack. It was in every line of her face, a sudden softening. She got out of the bed and pulled on an old t-shirt and jeans. She was still struggling with the top button (hey, I'm not the only one to have packed on the odd bit of weight) when I rushed across the room and seized her. She tried to resist, naturally, but I wasn't having any of it. I managed to get her in a fireman's hold and I marched swiftly from the room.
"What are you doing?" she shouted, pounding her small fists into my back. I suspected I was gonna be bruised tomorrow. "Put me fucking down!"
"No, dear," I told her, as calmly as possible. Those tiny fists of hers stung, man.
"Come on, put me down," she said, lowering her voice. Pleading, in fact. "I just felt trapped, you know, trapped, like I couldn't get out, felt like you trapped me, come on, that's all, I was stifling, put me down."
"I know what trapped means," I said. "So if you felt trapped, why didn't you say no?"
"What? No to what?"
"Just say no to him. I mean, clearly, with your face in the sheet and your hair being pulled, anyone would feel trapped."
"Oh you fucking bastard!" she really screeched this one, I taught the bitch how to screech for real, take that, Hey There, you sneaky when-do-you-want-me-after-Christmas motherfucker.
We made our way into the front hall, and she seemed to regain some of her composure. Only some of it, however.
"Look, come on, just put me down, let's talk about this. What're you doing? Come on, put me down," she said. Then, absurdly, "Put me down, it's Christmas."
"Nearly there," I said. I opened the front door and dumped her unceremoniously on the doorstep. "Told you you'd want clothes," I continued, and slammed the door and snapped home the deadlock. Her cries and shrieks of protest sounded immediately, but I had no time for her.
I made my way swiftly to the garage, where I grabbed the gasoline cans from beside her expensive SUV, paid for with my money, naturally. It was all paid for with my money. Even her goddamn gardening plaything. I paid his salary, didn't I? I didn't notice where it said Wife Service on his contract, but who reads the fine print these days? No time, no time, always rushing, never relaxing. Winners don't relax. The one day I relax my wife fucks the gardener. It's enough to drive a man to drink.
I poured the gasoline liberally around my house. I was please with the way it soaked into the thick white carpet, staining it a sickening colour. Of course, I didn't have enough for the entire house. I had to be strategic; clever. Well, it's what they pay me for, to be clever. Didn't get where I was by being stupid. No, it takes one smart bastard to have a beautiful two-storey home and a beautiful wife-fucking gardener. Oh, hell yes.
That done, I went to each of my strategic, oh-so-clever puddles of gasoline and threw a match into all of them. Just lit those suckers up, and they went up a treat. The initial flare upon hurling the match into the puddles was immensely gratifying. I singed my hand at least once.
Then, with my house beginning to blaze in a decidedly festive manner, I strolled down the hall. I pulled my keys out of my pocket and chucked them back down the hall, unceremoniously. Fuck second thoughts and fuck getting back in.
She was still cursing, shouting at me through the door. I don't think she'd seen the flames yet; they were still only catching, after all. I turned back the deadbolt, cracked the door open, snapped the deadbolt back on and stepped into the front yard, pulling the door closed behind me.
"Hi honey," I said. "I have an early Christmas present for you."
She stared at me, disbelieving, agape. "What? What the hell?"
"Yeah, it'll be here soon," I told her, as though reassuring an impatient child. "Just you wait. Come on; sit on the lawn with me."
She was so thrown off guard by my behaviour that she did exactly what I said. Followed me meekly and sat, just in front of the pavement, facing the house. The grass felt warm and thick and comforting where I say. The first lick of fire appeared in on the ground floor, flaring up behind one of the double-glazed windows.
My wife gasped. "What've you done? What? Why?"
"It's my early Christmas present to you. Well, it's really for both of us. A clean slate, my dear; a fresh start."
Her mouth opened and closed a few times. She found no words.
"Merry Christmas," I said, and put my arm around her shoulders, cradling her head into my neck.
She spluttered something.
"Hush now," I told her, and for a wonder, she did. So the two of us sat there, watching our house and all our stuff burn. Eventually there would be sirens and questions, but for now there was just the two of us, like two idiot kids watching a sunset.
Perhaps just waiting for something new to begin.
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-16 20:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-05-16 19:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ShonkyAdonis (user info) at 2007-11-14 21:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sordidly unoriginal - outstanding
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-01 07:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love this.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-01 07:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-08-25 21:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-08-25 20:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-26 19:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, it's that good
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-28 00:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2y-GZPsgE8
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 12:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070123/sc_nm/australia_shark_dc
Seriously? Head first? Fuck that.
It's been months since you posted. My heart has been singing its own little weeping song because of this.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-10 02:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The little post that could. I didn't even think it was that good. Of course, now my head is swollen and treacherous.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so good I wanted more even though it was quite enough.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-09 06:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ya know.. I read this AGES ago, but never rated it.
I like.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-09 05:32:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...this was all sorts of good.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-09 01:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally read it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-21 19:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this too. Sorry I didn't review it sooner.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-21 09:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boom
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-12-21 09:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good *high five* *chest bump*
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-21 03:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:46:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:36:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice try. Like anyone's going to buy that.
=========================================
ahahahaha
----
HotWillie - if you pretend to be my alter again I will grass you up to Bart.
Submitted by Ravenov (user info) at 2006-12-21 01:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best short I've read in months. Jackpot
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-20 23:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahaha, I haven't had someone pretend to be me in ages.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-12-20 22:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:36:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice try. Like anyone's going to buy that.
=========================================
ahahahaha
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice try. Like anyone's going to buy that.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers, Echo.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-12-20 21:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-20 20:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks again, everyone. You make the baby Jeebus squeal in delight.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-12-20 17:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-12-20 17:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...wow
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome sauce.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-12-20 12:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one dude.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-20 11:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-20 11:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, lads and lasses.
Beef, I don't think this style is particularly close to being me. But maybe I can't tell.
Inion, haha, I think you'd have to fight a certain someone for that.
--------
as long as it's not a battle of wits i'd win!
besides, you can have more than one babymama.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-12-20 10:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2006-12-20 00:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it wasn't super great, but it held my attention very well.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-19 23:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: can someone suggest how to make people stop suggesting things. I'm very suggestible.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-19 23:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate this place, i can't quit reading. This was best all nite.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-12-19 23:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-19 21:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 21:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Most heated. Wow.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-12-19 21:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Though now I distrust women and want to go beat the shit out of a mexican with a rake.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-19 20:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well more power to you then, Stagger -- it sure sounded like a comfortable voice.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2006-12-19 20:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite the pleasant read.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-19 20:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the best things I've read on Uber lately.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That makes it a 3-way fight already. I could sell tickets to this.
"Hey honey, some people from Uber are flying from the States to fight you for the right to my seed."
"...."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Inion, haha, I think you'd have to fight a certain someone for that.
===
And all this time I thought I was being subtle.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, lads and lasses.
Beef, I don't think this style is particularly close to being me. But maybe I can't tell.
Inion, haha, I think you'd have to fight a certain someone for that.
She said "Where you been?"
I said "No place special"
She said "You look different"
I said "Well...I guess"
She said "You've been gone"
I said "That's only natural"
She said "You gonna stay?"
I said "If you want me to, yes"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-12-19 17:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that didn't suck one bit. i liked it a lot.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-19 16:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:40:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
You were able to build so much suspense that by the time I got to the end, I was nearly short of breath...and the ending was such a pleasant change from what I expected.
The narrator's voice is fantastic as well. I love the way his thoughts flow with his words.
This is an excellent piece of writing. Thanks.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-19 15:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it when you write.
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2006-12-19 15:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-19 15:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-12-19 14:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
original take on an old idea.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-12-19 13:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-19 13:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needed more kicking in the landscapers' teeth.
And more pussy.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-19 12:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could have stood another edit, but damn this was good.
I'm with Sacrilicious in that the gardener seemed odd, especially asking, "what if i don't".
But the voice and story were so strong. I don't think I've ever read anything of yours in this style. It seemed a little bit closer to who you actually are than any character in your head.
That's how it read for me anyway. If that's not the case, even better.
I was also impressed with how you took a cliched story and made it into something fresh and interesting.
None of the expected yelling or fighting or drama -- just a calm, detached observer. This indifference in his actions and his musings made him seem quite real.
Good stuff.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-19 11:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-12-19 11:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a lunatic.
can i have your babies?
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-12-19 11:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome, and I definately chuckled out loud with the mention of smelling strongly of his wife.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA I JUST NOTICED THE TITLE...
sigh
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great as usual. The only thing that bugged me a bit was the gardner's "and what if I don't?" attitude, followed by the "so when can I come back?" Though I suppose his reactions are believable in such a volatile situation.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:04:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you fired me for that.
------------
Ahahhaha.
Cheers Anansie. It seems to work better the faster I write something. This took very little time to write.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have killed them both.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your writing always flows well. It rarely seems forced. This makes reading it from start to finish effortless, which I thank you for. I never feel like stabbing myself in the eyes when I read your stuff. Bonus.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that was unexpected.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent work.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-12-19 10:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you fired me for that.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. I love it. I love the narrative voice. The only thing that really threw me was the "ocean swell" metaphor. It just didn't seem to fit with the rest of it, in my opinion.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber fantastiche
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks very much, everyone.
Apollo, don't worry about the rating.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dickhead below.
Soz.
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V
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
did you know there are only 4 users who I actually read all the way through now?
You, Circe, Shandy and Jared.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you know what would have made this 15% more awesome?
If the dude had gone really mental and they watched it burn as the kids were roasted in their beds.
That could just be my sick mind though.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-freakin'-tastic!
"How dare you!" is the best written line in the whole piece. It screams truth.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-12-19 09:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay. I have got 5 paragraphs into it, then got distracted by a meth doco on SBS. I will rate incrementally - so far +2. According to this documentary (which just finished), there are over 1.5 million meth-amphetamine users in the u.s. alone, if that was new zealand the other 1.5 million people would be adopting permanent karate poses. hai-yah.
I would read some more but the announcer guy on sbs just said the next program had some 'course language', if they say fuck or something I'm gonna squeal.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
unnecessary comment.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a pleasure Stag
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shitty alter alert
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:47:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This really does read well. I'm with Pentameter - I liked the unexpected ending too.
Well done.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-12-19 08:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were able to build so much suspense that by the time I got to the end, I was nearly short of breath...and the ending was such a pleasant change from what I expected.
The narrator's voice is fantastic as well. I love the way his thoughts flow with his words.
This is an excellent piece of writing. Thanks.